Shut up.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/0YRPQG1Af3
Scroll it and see if that community fits you. In lieu of flowers I'll send an acceptance note of my the confirmation of your departure how glad I am that it has finally ended. Your mom isn't your mom that's a progenitor. You cant be without that in this system. Consider you're an orphan ? Maybe that might be the trustest aspect you've ever known. That you have more in common with the day you were born and not the people who raised you. And this isn't a +- four issue for our ages would be within that gap. You have stolkholm syndrome. Use your feet and walk. Tough love isn't real love. Sometimes it'll hurt more to do what's needed for your growth and development. And when you accept you're not real to her then Itll be easier to understand they have sacrificed your life in exchange for temporary comforts.