Recovery voice: "You're not you when you're hungry. You're a goddamn emasculated beta who from a young age was given special treatment and exemptions on the grounds of your frailty, so you internalized that weakness = specialness, worth. Furthermore your father was strong and competent, but overshadowed in the domestic sphere by your controlling and overprotective, visibly UW mom, and a transient figure in your life given his job as an offshore engineer. This gave you conflicting signals about the meaning of masculinity.

But beneath the skinnyfat veneer of your BMI 15.5 physique lies a Phoenix... a Paul Phoenix from Tekken 3 who could rise from the ashes of Ana 'recks yo' life Nervosa and have a hoot horsecocking weights around the gym, and you'd gain the strength to ride a chopper just like Paul, which you currently lack."

Me: still sipping my green tea 20 hours into a fast in the hopes I'll look my BMI when my BMI is 13 "Meh. I'll commit to a bulk when I'm lean enough to feel my aorta pulse in my belly."

I FELT MY AORTA LAST SUNMER AT 6% BODYFAT. I was also losing my hair and relying on mag citrate to shit and my libido was AWOL and I developed bulimia from Extreme Hunger, but I only remember the good parts of briefly dipping into BMI 14s