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7/19/2025, 2:32:42 AM
>>42370320
Alright, here's the critique. I'll start with the bad news.
From a technical standpoint, it's messy. Fundamental grammar is a problem. There's a lot of missing or misplaced punctuation, particularly commas and capital letters, and some confusing sentence structures that make it tough to piece together what's happening moment-to-moment. Scene-setting is a problem area, too. I know it's inherently difficult to give the reader a consistent mental image in a scenario like this, where Discord messes with the surroundings so often, but the prose describing the surroundings is a little inadequate in each case. You could pass that off as a deliberate artistic choice, given the circumstances, but it gets in the way of understanding what's going on.
Now, here's what I liked. Your characterization of Discord is near-perfect. His specific blend of goofy theatrics and outright callousness is tough to pull off without leaning too hard on one or the other, but you nailed it, and you made full and creative use of his abilities and sense of humour in the process; I'm a particular fan of the cartoony stuff he does to our protagonist prior to the main event. Great use of multiple layers of reality and deception, too - the fake Equestria caught me off-guard, and it's a nice nod to his scheming tendencies that he'd have a contingency to test his plaything further. The 'friendship quiz' with totally arbitraty answers was deliciously on-brand. Having him realise he did 'the right thing' by complete accident was a much-needed touch - he does indeed have a heart, even if it's comparatively Grinch-sized, which plays neatly into the happy ending.
I'm seeing the character limit warning, so I'll summarise: it's hampered by poor fundamental writing, but the underlying ideas are a lot of fun. Overall great impression. If you can polish up your basics, I'd love to see more.
Alright, here's the critique. I'll start with the bad news.
From a technical standpoint, it's messy. Fundamental grammar is a problem. There's a lot of missing or misplaced punctuation, particularly commas and capital letters, and some confusing sentence structures that make it tough to piece together what's happening moment-to-moment. Scene-setting is a problem area, too. I know it's inherently difficult to give the reader a consistent mental image in a scenario like this, where Discord messes with the surroundings so often, but the prose describing the surroundings is a little inadequate in each case. You could pass that off as a deliberate artistic choice, given the circumstances, but it gets in the way of understanding what's going on.
Now, here's what I liked. Your characterization of Discord is near-perfect. His specific blend of goofy theatrics and outright callousness is tough to pull off without leaning too hard on one or the other, but you nailed it, and you made full and creative use of his abilities and sense of humour in the process; I'm a particular fan of the cartoony stuff he does to our protagonist prior to the main event. Great use of multiple layers of reality and deception, too - the fake Equestria caught me off-guard, and it's a nice nod to his scheming tendencies that he'd have a contingency to test his plaything further. The 'friendship quiz' with totally arbitraty answers was deliciously on-brand. Having him realise he did 'the right thing' by complete accident was a much-needed touch - he does indeed have a heart, even if it's comparatively Grinch-sized, which plays neatly into the happy ending.
I'm seeing the character limit warning, so I'll summarise: it's hampered by poor fundamental writing, but the underlying ideas are a lot of fun. Overall great impression. If you can polish up your basics, I'd love to see more.
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