I have been using drugs (weed/shrooms/mdmda/coke) since august 2023 (introduced to me by my mom) and have pretty much used multiple times a day, every day since then even at work or when doing favors for people like dog/house sitting. I don't want to quit because I cant stand feeling any emotion other than numbness or euphoria.

Recently I've had reoccurring thoughts while high that I've never had before, where I envision myself dying and it makes me feel physically tingly and euphoric. The thought of escaping my wagecuck life and slaving towards my pointless degree makes me think I might be excited to die, where a few years ago I experienced severe thanatophobia.

I'm terrified of the afterlife but I hate my reality, I have ever since I could remember. I'm considering just dropping all of it and using my savings to do whatever kinds of drugs I can find until I die. I sometimes get jealous of homeless tweakers because they can get high and do whatever they want all day.

I will be a corporate zombie until I am in my 60s probably, I would rather have nothing and feel good 24/7 for a short while than give the rest of my life time to a company having regretted everything.

Pic rel: the ideal way out would be the Layne Staley way.

Does anyone else feel this way? Is there really any way out of the 9-5 hell or do I just need to search for a better way to cope?