I'm tired but I don't want to sleep because I think I'll have another nightmare. Frequently having nightmares is a terrible experience, you suffer if you stay awake but you suffer if you sleep. I'm always reminded of some terrible or embarrassing past event whenever I dream. Dreaming has actively made me a worse person. I didn't have a rape fetish until I had a couple of wet dreams where I molested women out in the woods. They told me years ago before I first started regularly doing nofap that it would keep me from developing weird fetishes and give me a healthy outlook on relationships and sex. Before I did nofap I masturbated exclusively to vanilla porn. It was only when I started abstaining from porn did I start having dreams and later fantasies of sexually assaulting women. I wish I could be blessed with knowledge in my dreams like some people are. I wish my dreams could be mystical and enlightening. Instead my dreams only put me back in the same spergy embarrassing situations I try so hard to forget, or conjure some grotesque terror, or turn me into a monster. Sometimes when I'm awake I can't tell if I'm dreaming or not. I used to disassociate a lot and I had another disassociative episode not too long ago. I kept pinching myself and counting my fingers to make sure I wasn't dreaming because I've read that you can't feel pain in your dreams and your hands look weird when dreaming. I'm tired of being awake but I'm also tired of going to sleep. I wish everything in my life would just go perfect for once.