What's the best way to lie on my resume to get a job?

>all jobs on indeed zip recruiter are fake
>Linkdin is fucking useless
>All company websites look like they haven't been updated since 2012
>You can't apply in person
>You can't follow up
>You can't even ask if they are hiring

>need to make 50 accounts on shitty websites
>All jobs on zip recruiter indeed and LinkedIn are fake
>They don't allow you to apply in person


The worst part is that old boomers here will tell you to walk into a store and shake their hand or follow up after a interview