>>24494190
>speed things up or "feelings"
I'd say that depends on what you are writing. If she's pondering about "nonsense" that not even you care about I would say to cut it.

I'd also say your period or generic historic language seems a little inconsistent. "Marcellus wishes I to marry" is a little incorrect. It should be "Marcellus wishes me to marry". It seems like an imitation of old speech rather than genuine. That's contrasted with modern speech like "How about ..." Needs tightening up.

>>24494383
I find the three "Ifs" a little jarring. Maybe even it out with some polysyndeton (ands).

"When God saw him born thirteen-fourteen, maybe fifteen-years ago, he never checked up on Quinn again."
I like the idea, though the phrasing is awkward. Also, why is Quinn or the narrator unsure as to when Quinn was born by a margin of 3 years? Consider instead.
"God saw Quinn born fifteen years go and never checked up on him again."

>>24494500
First paragraph I don't mind. Sentences like "A shining spiral shaving floated weightlessly above me" are purple. I'll say what others have: keep it simple.That seems to fit in better with the short, sharp, punchy sentences you have going on around it.


My own piece attached. It is parody, humour.