holy fuck i found it
i'm free
i found the thing i was looking for.
three days spent sifting through eighteen years worth of files (twice), and having to deal with frequent scrolling resets whenever my FUCKED mouse decided to double click when dragging files into other folders (organizing files along the way)

anyways, neckbeardman.exe isn't what i was looking for, but I feel as though it symbolizes my plight, succinctly.