>>40065154
>Not until I am truly independent.
I hope things improve soon for you.. it's a rough spot to be in. Having to take care of loved ones when you yourself need support too.
>It feels like I'm always being watched and judged everywhere I go.
That makes sense, but to heal you will likely have to let go of this feeling, once you are out of the worst of the shitshow of depending on people that are destructively unreasonable.
>I have one person I am very open with
Good, I think you know what I would suggest there, right? I think probing them to for emotional support. I understand trust is a precious, precious resource of which you have very little left right now. But you do have needs that require you to invest it.
>Things are always happening around me and I have no power to fix or stop it.
That can lead to a lot of learned helplessness which will need unlearning later, yeah. It sucks, it is disorienting, and it will make you feel like a lot of things that can and WILL work in a better environment don't cause you only know how things play out with everything stacked against you.
>It's a constant background noise in my life, most of the time I look over my shoulder out of paranoia for all the nonsense connected to my family.
I think you won't appreciate how fucked up and worthy of sympathy and understanding that really is until you're out of that boiling pot for a while. So let me stress: cut yourself 10 times more slack than you think you should. You likely lack a frame of reference right now. No matter how poorly you think you are managing, trust me, it is admirable.
>It's part of my reason for wanting to be alone
I understand, it is a natural consequence but it will get in your way a great deal when times finally get better, and even now it can hurt and stall you. That is why I push in the ways I do.
>I'm done trying to be anything anymore.
That's okay. You have done more than enough for others, been more than enough for others, you need breathing room.