Blue sky Edition
previous: >>39903222 (dearly departed)

Just this once, I would like to omit the Goal of the Thread.
Rest up, everyone. And once you have rested enough, speak your mind and share your feelings.
Thank you all for having been so patient. I will reply to everyone from the last thread, in time.

Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!

>What is this thread for?
Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.
Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.
>Why is this thread /lgbt/?
Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.
>Notes to consider:
Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:
WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION
>Note on advice
Generic advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.

We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!
Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!

## RESOURCE LINKS:

Resource link paste: https://sntry.cc/sig-resources-2024-04
General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04
Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04

Apart from the GOTT (absent for once), here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/irc.rizon.net/#/lgbt/sig
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

With the funeral taken care of I will slowly but surely start becoming more active.
I would like to remind the newcomers that just because a thread keeled over does not mean I am not gonna respond to your post! Check cross-thread posts! If you like, give 4chanx a chance as it will keep track of which posts are (You)rs even across threads!
Also, a lot of people gave helpful advice, you always do, but I wanna say that it makes me so, so happy to see, especially in a time of hardship on my end.
>>40027372
>>40020125
I agree with Navy, aim for a higher caloric baseline, 500kcal deficit are a lot already.
>Drawing and playing bass. Both things require time, of which I can't seem to get enough of in a day.
As for this, how well do you do with schedules, in general? Are you at home at predictable hours or is your life more spontaneous? For some things I found it works great to set alarms and make sure to dedicate like some fixed amount of your time to the thing in advance. More generally, look at the resources on the subject of S.M.A.R.T. goals!
>>40021149
>>40021242
>I usually try to freak out when and where nobody can see.
>so my father is insistent I try to keep the lid on
Difficult, it absolutely is the polar opposite of what you need (a listening ear/supportive friends). Having lived in a small town myself it's isolating as hell when everyone knows everyone and you feel like you can't really trust people to keep what you told them to yourself. Though it sounds like you do have friends around generally, right? Do you trust their confidentiality? Because then, it would be a good idea to feel out how much openness they are comfy with. That is generally a great dialogue to have.
>Me too, although sometimes I feel like a have zero control over that.
That is true. Do you suffer a lot of family drama, for example?

>>40021443
>Money is all that matters at the end of the day.
In the end we can't self improve well if we starve or are homeless. It's why I tend to use Maslov's Pyramid as an analogy a lot, "can't X when you're Y", with the bottom of the pyramid boiling down to Y=dead. I am glad your siblings are people that make this whole mess meaningful to you.
>I genuinely despise when our family decides to get together for vacations or holidays
I understand, as you said, there is a lot of powerlessness and frustration in this. Free drama for no goddamn reason a lot of the time.
>I must be my fault a little for not being financially independent yet...or something
>my brain can't keep up with this stuff any more.
It is normal to be overwhelmed in a situation like this. Let the thought that it is circumstances that are fucked up soothe you a little. It's not your fault even if it feels like it. Especially since it does. I can explain why this is a good pov when you have the headspace for it in a few months from now. For now, I offer the thought like a comfortable blanket.
Make something along the lines of this a mantra: "Successes are proof of my abilities, setbacks are pure circumstance." Yes it sounds antithetical to self improvement but in a situation like yours it is medicine for the spirit.
>>40024798
I will listen as many times as you need us. I will always bear witness, frien.
>>40024810
Promise.
>>40026175
Thanks again, shinjinon. I wish I could take you out for a coffee sometime, you've been such a cinnamon roll in all this.
>>40027451
>Is 21 too late to start exploring the feminine side of myself?
In most jurisdictions your parents had at least some control over your life until you are 18. That means you are at most 3 years old in adult years. You have your entire life ahead!

>>40056254 (OP)
I love this photo!!
My form of self improvement is just being myself and not thinking and talking to people and being impulsive because its fun

I'm dead tired, will post again in 8 hours or so.

Gosh, I'm tired.

>>40056254 (OP)
Uh random shit I was too tired to write about, went to the gym yesterday, actually wore a sportsbra out for the first time (felt kinda theymabish but whatever), which was a bit of a mental struggle when it sort of silhouetted under my shirt but mostly got over that, reminding myself that everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to pay that much attention.
Also oh my god it made running so much easier without the chafing good grief.
Took all my measurements because I realized I probably need them to actually buy stuff, didn't trigger any doom spiralling because I think my measurements are fairly passable with some decent potential (not gonna share them but really the only thing I'm not happy enough with is my shoulders being kinda wide - partially a muscle mass issue).
Going to force myself to actually send this email off asking for a laser consult, just got to figure out the wording (idk I worry I come across wrong when not speaking in person a lot of the time).
Having very torn up mixed feelings about this army thing I've got in a week or so, I don't really know how I want to handle it and while my rational head says to bin it all off I have all these irrational thoughts that keep pinning themselves to the front of my mind telling me it's something I have to do.
I really think honesty might be my best option, just tell them I'm on HRT and see where that takes me. I just feel bad about that probably meaning I'm ineligible to join at least for a few years if not entirely given I'd kept saying I wanted to get in as fast as possible also hate the idea of outing myself as trans when I look how I look.
Too many thoughts on that topic. I think life is passing me too quickly and transitioning is forcing me to burn more time before I get to actually live. I wish more than anything i'd started at at least 18 which i'd promised myself I was going to and then I broke it.

I always seem to get sleepy after typing here, don't know why brain work too hard i guess.

>>40026706
>I've been messing around with music production and djing... I think maybe that counts?
It does! I mean, when making music you constantly iterate things as well.
Have you had the experience where you knew something you'd try wouldn't necessarily work out at all, but you tried anyway?
>when I try to plan things with people, they don't end up actually happening.
>Especially with my mom growing up.
Ohh I relate to that lot actually. I think this is the nice thing about S.M.A.R.T. goals (see resources) because you force yourself in advance to settle a beginning, middle and end. While the experiences you made often arise from the "finding a date" never going anywhere, right? Nipping that bit in the bud would likely help.
>I didn't end up going...
>The advisor's office is only open Mon-Wed
One gentle slap on the wrist, let's take it from the top on Monday then! And hey, you did a dentist appointment, that's a W in my book. Please ping me Wed latest if you read this. Is that a good deal?
>I might be able to figure something like that out.
Keep me posted~
>I really shouldn't keep putting it off...
Which is why I have been prodding you in the direction I have, because I feel like, since HRT is now settled as a guaranteed eventuality, I want to make sure you don't get hung up on concerns that will feel immaterial once ignored (this happens to me a lot, you should see me freeze up writing emails).
>kind of? I'm not too sure, I might have to think more about this...
Think about it, if this thought feels confusing, then chances are that there is something not fully articulated in your head that is a decisive part of why you are hesitant.
>>40029540
>I wish you the best, I'm sure you will be okay.
Thank you, Anon. I am happy to report the funeral was casualty-free!
>>40057363
Take all the time you need, I do too!
>>40057238
There's so little art of her but her manga panels have a couple bangers!

>>40057676
can u tell me what manga it is

>>40057909
100 girlfriends who really, really, really, really love you. It's a gag manga pretending to be a rom com. She is (looked it up) gf #29, Ch177 onward. Name is Meru. Her gimmick is that she is stricken with despair over the state of the world, and channels that into making fairy tale books. I did not expect to resonate with a character in this manga as much as that but creating beauty in the face of abject horror is something I definitely vibe with. It's not the kinda manga to explore this at depth. But I appreciate the idea.
>>40029642
>I want male attention, that’s the improvement i want
Well, social & sexual needs are 100% percent within the scope of /sig/, so you are struggling on the dating front, or more generally with making male acquaintances?
>>40030285
>I think I need to stop using discord so that I can stop thinking about her
Can yo do so without losing other contacts?
>>40030375
>I wanna seize more control of my life but it all feels...out of reach.
>I have very little money, influence, resources or much of anything at all to help me too.
>But I keep going, nowhere else to go really.
I don't know how much it means coming from a stranger like I, but I think that is something to be proud of. I want you to make it, I am rooting for you..
>>40032250
>I am so glad I spent some time with my friends before I left.
Oh, where are you headed?

>>40056318
Guys, is the IRC online? Because I can't seem to be able join it, to lurk a bit around.
Also... I don't know why am I here. I don't know why am I pointlessly here, on this board, again, wasting my time talking to strangers sharing advice.
Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

>>40058084
Last time I joined it was up, but the person who owns it said that no one ever joins so it's probably kill

Gonna take a break for a bit, I will try to catch up with the rest of the old thread today but for now I will prioritize taking it slow, I know you want me to take it easy. I have a fair amount of bigger responses cooking but since a post can have at most 5-6 replies these days I'll do a quickfire round before retreating for an hour or two.
>>40058084
OP here, I haven't kept an eye on the IRC channel and you are right I can't log in either! I can ask around what came of it but it seems I have to update my files.
>>40033688
>What a cute general, I'm so proud of you all
I am grateful for everyone posting, myself.
>>40036532
It's much appreciated, Anon.
>>40036633
Thanks you as well, Tim.
>>40039092
>How do i learn to be happy for others when im miserably lonely?
Tell me about your loneliness, Anon.

Just coming out of a hard (possibly emotionally abusive) relationship of 10 years. It wasn't easy for me before that, either (parents... weren't the best or the most supporting ones to say the least). I'm safe now. As safe as I can be, but... I feel worse out of the relationship than in there. The last two months, I tried to process the relationship, and my life before but... I feel more miserable than in there. Girls, would it ever go away? So I can just be normal again?

I'm kinda hoping for WW3 tbqh. Not trying to be edgy. I wouldn't have to serve because of my schizobrain and it'd be very cathartic to see the normalfags I went to school with die for Israel (literally). I'm pretty out of the way too, even WW2 barely impacted my town. I'll just stay at home and eat tendies and watch livestreams from the front. Sounds comfy actually. American civil war would be comfy too for the same reasons
puc unrelated

>>40059101
If WW3 starts my HRT supply possibly gets fucked over, I want as little instability as possible.
I don't give a shit about the people I went to school with mostly, the ones who were shit to me ended up in prison or unqualified working perpetual dead end jobs.
Most of the others don't even register enough in my mind to matter. There are a few I still talk to every now and then.

>>40030272
>I have a hard time believing that.
>My problem is that anyone who talks to me outside of brief exchanges seems to be a bully or devoted to a bully.
Those are your past experiences, after all. But my own lived experience suggest that other peeps exist too, hell, I exist at least! Finding sensible people can be hard.
>I've made some attempts.
That is good, a lot of this is, unfortunately, trial and error. And since you are stuck with online stuff for now that is doubly so. Where have you looked, generally speaking?
>probably because of not having much in common or much reason to interact outside of intentioned messages.
Do you generally hesitate to ping people if you feel you have nothing in particular to say?
>a place related to one of my biggest interests.
That sucks extra hard, of course.
>I don't quite follow what you mean by your last paragraph logistically speaking.
Like, if you worry whether it's you if something goes awry (it's not) you can have other people sanity check the exchange. Sometimes I have conversations end awfully and then I run the broad strokes by other people as a sanity check.
>>40036485
>im probably going to need professional help, but I don't want to do anything anymore.
>it probably wouldnt really help me. i dont think anything really can.
It's hard to know without trying. Of course it would likely only be supplemental to other things but I think it is worth a shot. I would love to see you find a way out of this pit. It is in the nature of your circumstance to believe there is no way out, cause.. if you had any evidence for a clear cut solution you would have already pursued it.

>>40032979
>>40032985
>But he waited until his life isn't a shitshow, so I think I will too.
Depends, do you regret him having waited? If life is difficult we need people more than ever, too.. I don't wanna push you, though. I do believe it might be better not to repeat the pattern 1:1.
>I have more of an applied math/software "engineering"/engineering background
No prob at all!
>vector analysis but I dropped it again, maybe I should finish it sometime...
I mean, why not?
>Do you write poetry? What kind of poetry do you like?
I write poetry from time to time. What I like about it is structure.
I like limericks, I like iambic pentameters, I really enjoy rhythm, patterns.
I haven't actively read much poetry in the past decade, however.
>I did a small angle approximation for the potential energy after I derived the formula
Ah, I see! Yeah that sounds reasonable-
>I don't really understand the Euler-Lagrange equations
The spookiest bit about their derivation is the principle of least action. Did you ever deal with Jacobians or total derivatives? Calculus of variation can be recast into that language and honestly it is simpler that way. It doesn't answer *Why* an abstract quantity like the action ought to be minimized to begin with.
>I really don't deserve them...
If it makes you feel better, consider the lengths of their support as them living the opposite mentality: that you deserve their love and support.
>Not sure. I'm looking at a couple of schools to transfer to right now.
>I'd get a degree, and then what... IDK
One step at a time, Anon. Trust me with that. You don't have to know all the answers right now. Only the next step. And that you are looking means you are doing great!
>Maybe it won't be necessary. Time will tell...
Keep an eye out just in case, okie? Redundancy is a good thing.
>I'm sure your mom would be proud of what you're doing here.
Thank you for your kind words, Tim.. It's sweet of you. I think so too, ultimately.

>>40059101
When WW3 reaches here, I could only pray we enter on the NATO side and not the Chink/russki side. I would unironically enlist, even though my papers are good, and I'm recognized as a woman, so I don't need to. I just... want a mission, to do something useful for once in my fucking life before I die.

Noticed I called you Anon and Tim in the same post, guess I am tired..
>>40046029
>Jesus fucking Christ, I'm so mad I can't stop shivering now.
>God, I wish I wasn't such a FUCKUP.
What happened, Anon?
>>40029822
Hey seraph, I didn't chime in last thread but read along, and your situation is quite fucking alarming to say the least.
If I trusted social workers I would suggest asking for support on that front but this is way too delicate a situation for these types from what I have seen.
>Question for the crowd: What makes you happy?
Perhaps a difficult question for me right now, but.. having gotten to catch up with /sig/? That def made me feel a bit better.
>>40034632
God your mom really isn't helping in the slightest, I'm sorry to hear. And please let them give you more antibiotics..
>>40057631
These are some amazing news in terms of progress, Navy!
>Having very torn up mixed feelings about this army thing I've got in a week or so,
>I don't really know how I want to handle it and while my rational head says to bin it all off
>I have all these irrational thoughts that keep pinning themselves to the front of my mind telling me it's something I have to do.
Have you thought about the questions I asked in >>40019568? Not sure if they will help but they might clear things up in your head a bit.
>I always seem to get sleepy after typing here, don't know why brain work too hard i guess.
You are doing emotional and psychological heavy lifting. It is hard, and it is admirable.

I caught up I think. Given it is late and I am too tired to be super coherent (but very satisfied with my work) I would like to say: thank you, everyone. For posting, for supporting me and others, and for helping a wonderful member of this little community on top of that: yourselves. Mom has passed away one week ago. Now she is buried. Several of you told me that she would be proud, and.. knowing her, damn right she was proud of me. I was blessed with her in many ways, and her being as mindful of her privacy as she was would scold me for prattling on and on about her. Sometimes in life we don't get to choose the doors that slam shut for us. But what we can do, what we must, is let go of the handle.

Goodbye Mom.

And goodnight, everyone.
>>40059101
>it'd be very cathartic to see the normalfags I went to school with die for Israel (literally).
Not gonna lie I fully understand your resentment for your former classmates. Fuck 'em. But I would much rather spite them by helping you soar, it would also involve less collateral.
>>40058482
I am glad you are safe.
>The last two months, I tried to process the relationship, and my life before but... I feel more miserable than in there. Girls, would it ever go away? So I can just be normal again?
yes. It is called backdraft, same as the firefighter term. After leaving the abusive env you open a door that was locked shut to survive the whole mess, and the flareup is MAJOR.
It will pass. You can look into it, it is a well documented phenomenon, and as terrible as that is, it means 1) you are healing and 2) it WILL get better, and you can find stories of others having gone through the same. You are not alone.

>>40059600
Oh. I don't think I saw that post. Think I had finished my shifts and just brain melted, so missed it sorry.
>is it really a career goal?
I suppose it's as much career as sort of social (or well anything non-career related). I like having useful skills somewhat for their own sake, but also when I think of actually wanting to apply them, it's mostly in non-work interactions. I just sort of view the career as a means to an end for having those skills (well, and because we spend a large % of our lives in work). To an extent, I feel at an impasse with my current qualifications (mainly being robotics/mechatronics, which is what my degree is in), the army offers a path forward to some other qualifications that may have transferable skills which would make me more capable than I am.
I guess the goal is to be able to rely on my professional skills in all contexts not just work.
Of course I like my less job-related skills as well, being able to sail, shoot, I think I could explain basic fitness fairly well as well but they're not the central thing I'm stuck doing most of my day.
>Suppose ANY subject you touch
Prosthetics (well, specifically robotic prosthetics - think robot hands that sort of thing) was what got me into my degree.
But I can't really pick one, automation, I guess, for a broad field, although mostly I'm referring to a design context, just making things run on their own is generally an engaging problem for me and has a fairly wide spread of use cases.
I like breaking things apart to problem solve.

I find these questions hard to answer well. In the army context, the army offers an immediate pathway to some kind of growth that I feel I otherwise lack that could push me towards those aspirations I mentioned. And my nerves are basically "wtf I do if that pathway becomes closed off".
I'll have to keep trying to get a decent answer, because after 40 minutes that's the best I've got, and it doesn't really feel complete. But alas, sleep is calling again.

plump

p10 bump!
Goddamn 120s timer...

>>40059493
>do you regret him having waited? If life is difficult we need people more than ever
Eh, maybe a little. I don't mind waiting a little between replies, it
>I like limericks, I like iambic pentameters
Hmm, I like iambic pentameter and blank verse too... But I'm more interested antique meters and Ancient Greek poetry in general... I read Moenninghoff's Metrik a while ago and it'd recommend it, it's a nice and short read.
>Calculus of variation can be recast into that language and honestly it is simpler that way.
Huh, I see. I understand the Jacobian, but that still sounds like black magic to my little undergrad brain. I would have just conjectured pic related and worked with that lololol. Just feels right, ya know? It's an abstract kind of proof. (It doesn't really matter)
>You don't have to know all the answers right now. Only the next step. And that you are looking means you are doing great!
I guess enrolling in university again will give me an alibi, CV-wise. That's why I'm doing it. No other reason. Tertiary education has been nothing but pain for me so far — rude and/or incompetent professors, rude classmates and my favorite joke is that I'll soon be an alumni at pretty much every university in Germany.

>>40059509
>I just... want a mission, to do something useful
I can somewhat relate but I feel like that sentiment will probably fade once you're in the trenches and the shell shock is setting in. With all the blood and the corpses and severed limbs and what not... But what do I know!

>>40059429
That's probably a good mindset to have. The "they don't register enough to matter" part, I mean... I personally get haunted by every bad social interaction I have for years on end.

People are replaceable unless they make an effort to prove themselves to stick around. I say don't hesitate to leave people who don't try in relationships; professional, romantic or platonic. Sounds harsh but life is too short to give up time like that to every fool. You soon will be the biggest fool of them all if you do.

>>40064216
narc mindset

>>40063666
Thank you, and sorry for whatever you had to go through. I'm starry eyed, of course. My whole family serves. Police, Army Civilian, Soldiers. I'm the only one (and the viwes if my uncles) in my family who doesn't serve (or "serve", depending on whether you count pogs as army). Not for lack of trying. I went into Army Civ, 17C. Cyber. But when it came for me to get my clearance my dumb ass came clean and told the agent I was trans. Cue JDK discharge, and my CO (Army Civs here are subject to CoC, with a "rank" below that of a Pvt. All the leadership was military) was yelling furiously that he didn't want this kind of shit on his base.

Still, best 3 months of my life, best colleagues (civ and military) I worked with, and if they sent me an offer, I would join at a heartbeat.

When the frontline reaches here, I can't be the only one to sit home.
> Then why don't I enlist?
I'm 33. I'm over the peacetime max enlistment age (30). I could only try the reserves, but that would need a serious negotiation with my boss. In wartime that will get bumped to 40+ for sure.

>>40059689
I'm so sorry about what happened to your Mom. By the way you wrote, you two were close, and you were lucky to have her in your life. May her soul find rest and peace.

What I found about the term is that backdraft is when I do a rebound relationship to forget him. When I was out, and before as I planned my way out, I knew that was the #1 most unhealthy thing I could do, until I sort my shit out. And by the Goddess I have shit to short, both from in there and before.

But if people had been through it, I just need to be more patient with myself.
Even if it's the hardest thing I can imagine right now.

Today I’m… not doing much. I woke up at 3am. I’m avoiding my mail from the university, but I guess I have to get to it later tonight. I’m waiting for my test results from the doctor, but they wont arrive until Monday. I’m well enough that I can cook and clean, so I think thats what I’ll do.

>>40056643
>>40056954
Thanks to you too, siganon. Funerals are an odd thing. On one hand you’re saying goodbye, and on the other you’re greeting family and friends you may not have seen in ages. despite the circumstances, I hope it was as good a day as possible.

>>40061526
I want him

>>40048692
>"sexual harassment as male dominance"
Hm, with your past teaching you to fear the outcomes of bullying, unwillingly reacting to this by shutting down or freaking out makes good sense, to be honest. As you said theres always the fear that if it’s happening to others now it could happen to you later, so what you’re feeling is probably your body preparing to run away from a threat it doesn’t know how to defeat.
>Just any time it gets busy, and I feel like I'm failing to stay on top of it all
>when my performance in my job is questioned
>when I'm out in public and just feel like there's too much going
Based on that I guess we might be able to narrow it down to a fear of:
1) loss of control/power
2) failure to perceive surroundings and situations
3) loss of social standing/failure to meet demands
(Sorry if thats way off. Feel free to correct me.)
A good start to finding more specific triggers would be focusing in on threats to these fears, trying to do a rundown of which specific actions/sensations/whatever feel the worst within that context.
Write a timeline of some past experiences where you shut down, if you can, with one side of the paper containing what happened and the other side containing your emotional state and reactions, then try comparing different timelines to each other.
It can be pretty uncomfortable however, so I suggest doing it slowly.

>>40056643
>Difficult, it absolutely is the polar opposite of what you need (a listening ear/supportive friends)
I don't know if that's the kind of luxury I can count on anymore, never seems like it's never the right time to try and live my life.
Not until I am truly independent.

>Having lived in a small town myself it's isolating as hell when everyone knows everyone and you feel like you can't really trust people to keep what you told them to yourself
The city is obviously expensive and stressful but I'm tired of always being considered a liability to my family or anyone connected to me.

If I could, I would change my name and go low profile FOREVER but my siblings need me more than ever now.

>Though it sounds like you do have friends around generally, right? Do you trust their confidentiality?
I generally trust them, I just don't trust people in general anymore.
It feels like I'm always being watched and judged everywhere I go.
I don't want to lose what little I have.

>Because then, it would be a good idea to feel out how much openness they are comfy with. That is generally a great dialogue to have
I have one person I am very open with, mainly due to the fact they do not live anywhere near my family or extended family.

>That is true. Do you suffer a lot of family drama, for example?
Yes, not to plead for sympathy but yeah.
Things are always happening around me and I have no power to fix or stop it.

It's a constant background noise in my life, most of the time I look over my shoulder out of paranoia for all the nonsense connected to my family.

It's part of my reason for wanting to be alone, I can hardly tell who's listening or not anymore.

I just want my family to be settled financially, I don't care about making anybody proud to know me anymore.
I'm done trying to be anything anymore.

>>40056954
>the end we can't self improve well if we starve or are homeless. It's why I tend to use Maslov's Pyramid as an analogy a lot, "can't X when you're Y", with the bottom of the pyramid boiling down to Y=dead. I am glad your siblings are people that make this whole mess meaningful to you
I really want them to become successful and financially independent, so we can seperate ourselves from all of this mess.
Then slowly try to fix what we can fix.

>I understand, as you said, there is a lot of powerlessness and frustration in this
I feel like I'm always slipping no matter what I do.

>Free drama for no goddamn reason a lot of the time
Yup, that's pretty much it.

>>40056954
>It is normal to be overwhelmed in a situation like this. Let the thought that it is circumstances that are fucked up soothe you a little. It's not your fault even if it feels like it
It always feels like it.

>Especially since it does. I can explain why this is a good pov when you have the headspace for it in a few months from now. For now, I offer the thought like a comfortable blanket
I will try my best to.

>Make something along the lines of this a mantra: "Successes are proof of my abilities, setbacks are pure circumstance."
This very hard for me to do.
>Yes it sounds antithetical to self improvement but in a situation like yours it is medicine for the spirit
I always feel lazy and unaccomplished now matter what but I geuss my current mindset hasn't done me any good either.

I really need to live alone, in a concrete rectangle somewhere.
So everyone, myself included, can just be at peace.

Bunp

>>40058011
>don't know how much it means coming from a stranger like I, but I think that is something to be proud of
It means a lot to me.

>I want you to make it, I am rooting for you..
Thank you, Anon.
It does in fact mean a lot to me, and I want you make it as well.

>>40065240
>This very hard for me to do.
Positive self talk / mantras / etc can be difficult but it does work. It can feel kind of cringeworthy to unironically "mind over matter" yourself irl but the more you get used to doing it, the less it will matter to you. Obvs you don't always have to verbalise it but I find that it adds benefit to do so sometimes.
If nothing else, just tell yourself you are improving, you are getting better.
Make mental notes of your efforts or any moments of positivity so you have something to draw on when you're feeling off (ofc, i dont have your full context here so will probably need to adjust to what your goals are)

Mindset can sometimes feel unchangeable or immutable, but I promise it is not.

It feels like my friend is slowly distancing herself from me and I feel so terrible. My friend is super outgoing towards other people and seems so happy and bubbly and postive, but with me she's quiet, it feels awkward, like we are strangers. I think I consider her my only friend right now, most other people are "friends" but I just consider them acquaintances. I'm almost positive that it's a me problem. I cant ever make friends. people are often like that with me when we first meet. Its like I'm brick wall that is horrible and boring to talk to and maybe make others self conscious about themseleves because I'm so boring. The friends I do make, we slowly just stop talking and we just drift away and they just distance themselves from me until I never see them again. I think I'm just a person that's meant to have friends

Mid cardio bump

I thought for a second blue sky edition meant we were here to boost our socials or something lol
Like I started girlmoding a year ago but for reasons only really got around to start building a social circle of sorts few months ago and I have zero social media presence and at the risk of sounding like a boomer I don't know how to do social media
do I just post into the void, do I comment on random peoples stuff so they follow me, do I have to pick a lane or can I post photography, gush about my partner and give underwhelming political takes on one account? I feel really dumb but I want to be a part of life at last

I just woke up what can I do to look better please
https://unseedotcc/album#g5Bccjegax7C
19m

>>40070470
You're far from ugly to begin with. Are you cis? What is it you are unhappy with? You look tired/sad tho, but I mean you just woke up

>>40070533
Idk I got called ugly a lot as a kid so I've always felt I am ugly, I just want to look cute I guess

Cis leaning fem

bump

>>40070470
Not sure what you're trying to go for but personally I feel like you're not attractive as either man or woman, but also not horribly ugly either. Not sure what you could do to look better. If you want to look masuline maybe cut more weight if not skinny, and thicker eyebrows would look good. If fem not really sure what you could do other than transition ie take hrt

>>40059488
>Where have you looked, generally speaking?
I've tried this board, /soc/, and a couple of generals on other boards as well as some places off of disboard.
>Do you generally hesitate to ping people if you feel you have nothing in particular to say?
If I have nothing to say, what would I say and why would I say anything? Nobody seems to do that either.

>>40032708
It's true that if I look hard enough for the antichrist I will find her.

>>40057676
>Have you had the experience where you knew something you'd try wouldn't necessarily work out at all, but you tried anyway?
Kind of? Sometimes I'll write a melody then change the sound in the synth to random ones. Even though I know it won't sound good, it can give me an idea as to what might sound good.

>Is that a good deal?
Yeah. My sleep schedule is kinda fucked so I gotta try to make sure I'm awake in time now... ideally I'd be there at around noon but I've been waking up 3pm or later the past few days. I will definitely try though.

This is gonna be kind of a vent, not super relevant but something I want to get out of my head. I don't have any other place to get things like this out... maybe I should try find something like that but I wouldnt even know where to look... anyway.
I kinda fucked up a few weeks ago. I was really drunk and messaged an ex that I hadn't spoken to in years... well I had spoken to him but it was more of a him trying to reach out and me saying "please stop trying to contact me I've moved on" so not really, and that was over a year ago, before that it'd been 3 years since any messages between us... anyway I basically came out to him as trans and because of that hes one of 2 people that know... the other person isn't relevant to this. I don't know why I did it or why he was even on my mind at the time, but ever since then, we've been messaging every few days... and talking to him again has had me thinking about past stuff... forgotten friendships, lost memories. I don't feel bad when actually talking to him, but after, this kind of... somber nostalgia takes over. I start thinking about what I was doing back then, the people I would talk to. The online community I was part of at the time was not a very good one, and thinking back on it fills me with very conflicting feelings. It sucks because I do want to talk to him, he was a really good friend. but I know if I do I'm just going to keep thinking about the other stuff...

>>40067004
>Positive self talk / mantras / etc can be difficult but it does work. It can feel kind of cringeworthy to unironically "mind over matter" yourself irl but the more you get used to doing it, the less it will matter to you
I have a naturally negative personality, I'm trying to diffuse it with a sense of emotional detachment and practicality.

I'm tired of getting my hopes up all the time, so I just wanna focus on external improvements for now.

>Obvs you don't always have to verbalise it but I find that it adds benefit to do so sometimes
Like writing it done or repeating with internal monologue?

>If nothing else, just tell yourself you are improving, you are getting bette
I can try, doesn't feel like enough but I can try.

>Mindset can sometimes feel unchangeable or immutable, but I promise it is not
You really hope so, I don't like the idea of living with my mind the way it is for the rest of my life.

I just wish I accomplished...something at my age.

Bump

I am sleepy, bump.

I’m done with the other trans group
I was never their friend just a drink acquaintance
I’m not gonna hold on to hope that they randomly like me
I wanted to felt part of a group but I guess it’s time to move on
I’m alone again. I wanted pity. I did t even get that.

Just woke up in this pic what can I do to look better please
https://unseedotcc/album#LGNJvPrJ3Ugi
19m

>>40078535
You're a too valuable person to be worthy only of pity. You deserve more than that. Far, far more. Maybe the best thing you can do to yourself, for yourself is to be with yourself for a while.

>>40079234
Are you cisM or MtF?
> Finasteride
Your hairline is far too high, you have a high level of MPB. If not for your lips, you would be a good candidate for being bald. But hairline reconstruction works on the long term.

Please, do try brushing your hair.

> Brows
If you're cisM, maybe consider letting your eyebrows grow out. If you're MtF, they are a bit on the thinner side, I would use an eyebrow pencil to make it thicker.

> Oval face
If you're cisM, I would try growing a beard. If you're MtF, I would try growing your hair out to at least shoulder length, and boosting its volume, it would look great on you, especially with your lips.

>>40079404
I guess I want to be a cute guy?
Just started dut and min, maybe it will do something for my hairline
I'll start using topical min on my brows, I heard that works well
Not a fan of bears ds but definitely growing my hair more
Thanks anon

toasty bump

smoky bump

nighty night bump

i wish i was a completely different person, i cant tell if im doing something wrong. depersonalization makes we want to kill myself and i feel lost trying to change anything. im worried that im schizoid.

dont wanna get into it atm but tracy is not dead, picked a 6 month contract job and am currently doing merely okay
things are looking up. saw a therapist last friday. forgot to schedule a second session but now that I'm thinking of it I'll set an alarm for that tomorrow

sorry if it freaked anyone out in the discord

I'm tempted to rejoin on my actual main discord account

Despair...

>>40067525
Having been on the opposite side of something like this in the past being 1 on 1 with a friend who feels insecure and awkward about it can be quite difficult, because it can be hard to tell how to stop it. Unless the awkward tension in the room gets brought up in conversation and we talk it out it has a tendency to grow big enough that friendly jokes and distractions wont solve it, and even if you’re outgoing you arent immune to catching it second-hand.
Normally in larger groups it is easier to avoid socially uncomfortable situations by hopping in and out of conversations, so there is also a chance that she simply isnt as skilled at handling discomfort outside of them. Whether it’s the same for your friend or not I cant tell of course, but I know that it’s a possibility.
If you can, I would try gently bringing the topic up sometime, focusing on the fact that you’d like to be her friend and that you appreciate her trying to be with you despite the awkwardness. Whether or not she’s trying is irrelevant: the important part is that it is a soft opener that leans positive, demonstrating that you’re interested in solving this without harbouring any desire to blame anyone or lash out.
If she doesnt accept the invitation at least you’ll know you’ve tried.

I can't sleep, I thought I was done copying an UI for a video and turns out the shit is animated, it's not that difficult but now I won't be able to sleep until it is done, and I'm out of sustenance but it's too late and oh well.

poppy bump

Sleepy day today. Still no lab results.
Tomorrow I want to try going to Ikea or the hardware store, if I’m not too sick to make the trip. There are other things I need to do that I should be prioritising higher. But I want to go. I think it’d be nice to lie down in their showrooms and forget about everything for a moment. Maybe stick my arms into some of their stuffed animal piles.

>>40085538
Sorry, the structure of the sentences in this post are a mess. I guess I was more tired than I thought… I hope you can still make sense of it.

>>40056254 (OP)
Here's all the self-development you'll need:
>aim to live a long life, self-destruction is not the path
>find something else to define yourself but the way you fornicate
>fornicate responsibly to avoid STDs
>don't cut or mutilate yoursef. no one that is encouraging you to do sex reassignment is your friend
>hrt is not cutting or mutilating yourself, but still, do it deliberatedly and with control of what's going on
There. You'll figure out the rest.

Learning that I might have already been looking at a monotherapy dose of undercylate is fucking with my head and giving the repper thoughts too much power.
Stupid brain keeps telling me I can just rep while joining the military while taking HRT if I only have to dose once a month even though i know that's a fucking stupid idea. It's like without trying I find these excuses to try and keep at it for no rational reason.
Although if anyone does actually know the mono dosage roughly I'd like to know because if i can go off cypro that would be neat

Gonna try and see how many posts I knock out today. Travel day Wed-Thu.
>>40060242
>missed it sorry.
Don't worry, it's why I pinged! Things happen, I miss posts too at times and need a reminder.
>I find these questions hard to answer well.
The questions are extremely difficult and hard to answer by design, that was very much on purpose. This discussion reached a bit of a breakthrough because of them though, I feel. As you said, your career, the army, the specifics of your occupation and even the development of skills are, all in all, means to an end. You worry about one particular path to your actual goal closing off. Navy, I gotta be direct with you. What you describe as a desire is good and nurturing and ultimately beautiful, but thoughts like >>40089257 haunt you because you have narrowed yourself down to a single approach, the one that by now is the one most familiar (=least scary). Let's talk the job angle first. I think you gotta diversify the places you are looking for. The only reason one door closing is scary to you is because you got too invested and it ended up being the only door you knocked right now. You gotta diversify.
>Prosthetics was what got me into my degree.
Do you see a chance to slip into that career path?
>robotics/mechatronics, which is what my degree is in
This should open the door to a diverse set of opportunities right? From what I hear is that, in principle any kind of R&D that involves tinkering and teaching other people would have you thrive. Which brings me to a very, VERY radical second option; what you describe doesn't even have to be grounded in your job at all. Like, being relied upon, being a source of wisdom and skill? That's all stuff that people who want to raise a family yearn for, or people doing community work. You seem a people person first and a career person second or third. Don't break your back over the means to your actual end!
>I'll have to keep trying to get a decent answer
and yes, keep dwelling on it!

>>40089257
> Rep
> While doing HRT
> In the military
Your nick is Navy, are you gunning for the Navy, too? And since you just talk about joining, you're not trained yet?

I don't think it's a good idea, especially if you're in the States, with the Trump anti-trans laws. So either:
> Sign for 3 years, do your time, and see you in the Iranian or Ukrainian front. Do't take HRT, you'll be naked before your comrades enough that you won't be able to hide your breasts for long.
> Start HRT and become the pretty girl. However there goes your military career. At least until Trump is president, then hope for a Dem president dismissing the anti-trans military orders.

>>40063666
>Eh, maybe a little. I don't mind waiting a little between replies, it
>I read Moenninghoff's Metrik a while ago and it'd recommend it, it's a nice and short read.
Oh my God I haven't held a Reclam book in my hands for years! I might get it some time, thank you.
>Huh, I see. I understand the Jacobian, but that still sounds like black magic to my little undergrad brain.
So the short version is you can think of a total derivative as a Jacobian without a coordinate system specified. So dL is just a shorthand for a Jacobian of the Lagrangian in some coordinate system/parametrization of your choosing (angles and distances are just one choice after all). I have deleted SO many words in this section, oh god.. I could give you a highschool-level derivation of Euler Lagrange I could write up off the cuff if you wanted, but 4chan would be a suboptimal medium for this sadly.
>I would have just conjectured pic related and worked with that lololol.
Also, unless I am misreading, that is exactly true, since EL must be satisfied for all coordinates at once. It's less a => and more both following from EL itself.
>I guess enrolling in university again will give me an alibi, CV-wise.
100%. I'm sorry you have to deal with so much bs however, I wish I knew how to help you to those wonderful experiences I made in a straightforward, actionable way.
>I'll soon be an alumni at pretty much every university in Germany.
Oh, even crossing Bundesland borders?
>>40064216
I think I get what you mean, and I tend to agree. Although it is important to sometimes, to a finite extent, grant some social forward payment. Some people take a bit to open up, or will take some time to be comfortable reciprocating. But that is not what you mean at all, I know, just adding nuance.
>>40064739
It was as good as it could have been. Most of my immediate family is dead, so the funeral was a party of 3, me included.

>>40065154
>Not until I am truly independent.
I hope things improve soon for you.. it's a rough spot to be in. Having to take care of loved ones when you yourself need support too.
>It feels like I'm always being watched and judged everywhere I go.
That makes sense, but to heal you will likely have to let go of this feeling, once you are out of the worst of the shitshow of depending on people that are destructively unreasonable.
>I have one person I am very open with
Good, I think you know what I would suggest there, right? I think probing them to for emotional support. I understand trust is a precious, precious resource of which you have very little left right now. But you do have needs that require you to invest it.
>Things are always happening around me and I have no power to fix or stop it.
That can lead to a lot of learned helplessness which will need unlearning later, yeah. It sucks, it is disorienting, and it will make you feel like a lot of things that can and WILL work in a better environment don't cause you only know how things play out with everything stacked against you.
>It's a constant background noise in my life, most of the time I look over my shoulder out of paranoia for all the nonsense connected to my family.
I think you won't appreciate how fucked up and worthy of sympathy and understanding that really is until you're out of that boiling pot for a while. So let me stress: cut yourself 10 times more slack than you think you should. You likely lack a frame of reference right now. No matter how poorly you think you are managing, trust me, it is admirable.
>It's part of my reason for wanting to be alone
I understand, it is a natural consequence but it will get in your way a great deal when times finally get better, and even now it can hurt and stall you. That is why I push in the ways I do.
>I'm done trying to be anything anymore.
That's okay. You have done more than enough for others, been more than enough for others, you need breathing room.

>>40065215
>I really want them to become successful and financially independent, so we can seperate ourselves from all of this mess.
>Then slowly try to fix what we can fix.
I think you have a good outlook on that front, yeah.
>I feel like I'm always slipping no matter what I do.
And none of it is your fault. The sooner your surroundings are mopped up the better.
>>40065240
>It always feels like it.
Which is why I am pushing back, yeah. A lot of the things I talk about, what Navy mentioned too, is about self-conditioning. You know we as people are super prone to self deception and sadly the only way to undo it that I know of is basically reverse gaslighting.
>This very hard for me to do.
It is hard. Really damn hard. It's more a training regimen than a thing you can just "turn on". It's a habit to form, and is meant to rob you of those shitty feelings. Emotional detachment will later get in your way, the above has no drawbacks known to me.
>>40064471
I was.. and.. thank you, Anon. I appreciate it. Thank you. You are all so kind to me, and I have so few words to really express it, but: it really helps.
>But if people had been through it, I just need to be more patient with myself.
>Even if it's the hardest thing I can imagine right now.
Healing is such a trial by fire in a way, by God, you are doing as well as could be expected in such a situation. I'm proud of you for fighting this fight. It is hard. This general is dedicated to people like you because it is so hard.
>>40066933
I'm happy to hear that, Anon. In this general we are there for one another. I think that's beautiful. And if you can relate, remember, you are part of that beauty.

>>40067525
I agree with shinji about gently bringing it up.
There are a lot of ways to debug this, but... in my experience people don't stop talking to others because they are boring, a lot of the time they stop talking because they feel they have nothing to say. How does a conversation between you and your friend usually go? What are her interests, what happens when you try to get her to talk about them?
>>40069603
>I thought for a second blue sky edition meant we were here to boost our socials
oh kek, that didn't occur to me at all!
>I have zero social media presence
To be fair I am much the same. I don't know much about social media usage, I never had twitter or reddit or facebook or anything like that. I did have a tumblr and there you just dm people you find interesting and chat shit with them through that + reblogs. So I can't add much there but it also depends what you wanna get out of it. Making friends wise the question is if you wanna look for local/IRL stuff on top. Usually the strats I recommend involve scouting for people and sniping them to pull them into 1 on 1 convos.
>>40070999
You're not ugly by any stretch of the imagination, I feel like what you are looking for might be more related to presentation? Haircuts, outfits..
>>40084063
I can't help you with a diagnosis of any kind but I can help you sort out personality stuff a little. Tell me, what is your general set of circumstances that make you feel this way. And.. what about other people do you like, what do you dislike about yourself?
>>40085084
What's up, Anon?

Okay I should call it a night. No updates tomorrow.
>>40074518
I might have asked before, remind me real quick, what was your IRL situation? Since, yeah, it often is difficult with online contacts, and while I have some tips to give there I might
>If I have nothing to say, what would I say and why would I say anything? Nobody seems to do that either.
This is an interesting question since in my experience it is something people gotta habituate (myself included). There are friends I talk to on the daily, and that usually starts off with smalltalk or a cold open where one of us throws some idea or thing at the other. A youtube link, a screenshot, an interesting passage of text, anything. A lot is about trying to share fascinations, and the intellectual challenge of connecting someone else's interests to your own in a way that is mutually enjoyable. Does that sound appealing or appalling to you?
>>40084117
I am glad things are looking up for you! Tracy.. we did have the pleasure before, right? It's been a while.
>sorry if it freaked anyone out in the discord
>I'm tempted to rejoin on my actual main discord account
I am a strong believer in the "everything can be mended" mantra.
>>40085559
Oh goodness, did you get some rest afterwards at least? Feels like I'm missing some context here for this to make sense.
>>40087866
All the best for tomorrow, Shinjinon!
>Maybe stick my arms into some of their stuffed animal piles.
Oh my god PLEASE do that sounds lovely!
>>40089071
Hm.. what led you to making this post? As in, there must have been something on your mind browsing /lgbt/ saying this. I'll gladly listen if you feel like you can use that.

midnight siganon. time for bed

hrt has done a lot thus far, but I'm wondering, is buying an at home ipl device worth it?(or any at home hair removal appliance for that matter?)
or would all that money be better spent at a professional laser place?

Hey /sig/, I finally worked up the courage to post in there. I don't know if anybody will even reply to this, not sure what I'm looking for exactly but just talking (well, writing) feels like something marginally better than doing nothing.
I feel like I am incapable of doing anything good for myself, especially if it involves some habit. The best example I think is going to my college classes or work (currently in a summer internship). I always managed to get grades above the bare minimum while only studying the night before, I somehow ended in one of the best schools of my country but it was very close to being a disaster.
Last year I actually failed my second semester, mainly because of a year long project that I couldn't keep up with and a summer internship that went to shit. For the first time in my life the consequences of my inability to act had caught up to me. Mind you, failing is a big deal because I'm paid by my school, so if I fail I have to do the whole year again without being paid, and this meant looking like the retard I am in front of my parents and relying on them again financially.
I thought that maybe that was the kick in the butt I needed to "wake up" (idk how I believed in this seriously), but fast forward to the end of the year, I barely passed (I think my professors boosted some of my grades) and I have to do the summer internship again, if it goes well I get my salary back but if I fail I am expelled from the school and I end up 40k€ in debt to the government.
And would you believe it, just like last year : I spend the whole day at home instead of going to work, and I can't get myself to even work from home, I just lie in bed like the rest of the year with a sleep schedule so fucked up I could board a plane to the other side of the world and have no jetlag.
I regularly pick up exercising again, do like three workouts/runs/swimming sessions and then stop or wait months between sessions.

Getting close to the character limit, cont.

>>40092962
cont.

This has also affected my relationship, I fucked up a few times with my girlfriend of now 6 years, and I told her I would do better but I don't end up changing anything even though I'm pretty sure I want to be better for her.
This whole thing is giving me some pretty bad anxiety (in addition to the one I get when I know I'm supposed to be doing something and I know very well that I'm not doing shit), because if I miraculously survive this internship, this next year will be my last year of college and I will have to find a job after that.
And I really don't see how I am going to make that work, I don't think there's many entry level positions that allow for full remote, and even when staying home I can't bring myself to do anything.

I don't even feel legitimate in my issues, pretty much anyone normal would tell me something along the lines of "Boohoo poor thing doesn't want to work" or "you just have to find a job/domain that you really enjoy and then it doesn't feel like work", but this is not limited to work it extends to every aspect of my life. See picrel I guess, I've had a backlog of games, movies, music I really want to play/watch/listen to and I just can't bring myself to it.

I don't know what any anons here will be able to do for me, desu I am not even entitled to an answer from anyone, this just felt good getting off of my chest.
Thank you for reading my blog post, much love to all the other anons in this thread, I don't think I'd be able to help anyone but I'm sending virtual love to everyone here.

>>40090230
I see, please forgive me for bringing it up if it caused any discomfort, siganon. I think I forgot to take into account that who shows up and how it is held is equal parts cultural and personal traditions.
>>40091076
Thank you! Trying to eat an extra nourishing breakfast right now. I think it’s happening. This fish will help me.

>>40091268
If you can get one sale they’re a decent way to reduce body hair. Nowhere near as good as professional laser, but it does have an affect. I think after a year or so of consistent use the density of my arm pit hair has been halved.

>>40092962
>>40093041
Hey anon, welcome in and cool that you worked up enough courage to come here.
What you’re describing sounds like a textbook case of executive dysfunction to me, but I’m by no means a trained professional. Have you ever been tested for ADHD and ADD before? It sounds a lot like how I used live and think of myself.

oh mah god what lengthy disccussions above. Tonight i suddenly decided to take a laege dose of edibles and stay up all night because im feeling better than usual

>>40093742
Heh hope you get to keep the good feeling for a while and have fun anon. Stay safe

>>40093789
thank you :^)

>>40093716
Thanks for answering <3
>Have you ever been tested for ADHD and ADD before?
Well last year when I was struggling with the same issues and getting a sleeping pills prescription the doctor told me to get tested for autism, but that's about it.
An issue I had is that in my town all the psychiatrists (which I believe are the people to talk to for this kinda stuff) are so overbooked it's not even funny (and I'm currently in Canada for my internship, so not very practical). I did try to call some during the past year but most don't take new patients, and the one that did never called me back.
Also idk if I can just call them and ask to be tested for something, to me that sounds like someone that self diagnosed on tiktok with the latest trending mental disorder, maybe that's why they didn't call me back idkkkkk...

>I don't even feel legitimate in my issues, pretty much anyone normal would tell me something along the lines of "Boohoo poor thing doesn't want to work" or "you just have to find a job/domain that you really enjoy and then it doesn't feel like work", but this is not limited to work it extends to every aspect of my life. See picrel I guess, I've had a backlog of games, movies, music I really want to play/watch/listen to and I just can't bring myself to it.

just like me for real. I'm working towards getting assessed for adhd/autism since my therapists seem to think that's a big part of it.
I think they're probably right but it's still hard for me to understand why I would continually behave in a way that makes me feel like death. I'm keeping an eye on some less clinical/diagnosis focused ways of looking at it too
Idk what your situation is but I have essentially a counselor/social worker who helped set my expectations for what diagnosis could look like. There's gotta be SOME pathway you're 'supposed to' take, even if it's poorly maintained. If calling up a doc for a test is the only next step you can find, how is that being a trender? You've gotta find out somehow
Wish you luck anon

>>40089456
>are you gunning for the Navy, too?
I've been around a while, but nah, not anymore. I mean shit I don't really want to join but per previous, I have a dumb inner monologue.
My unironic history with the military is
>applied for the Navy as a weapons engineer out of uni while on HRT, withdrawn because I needed to drop more weight
>reapplied for the Royal Marines when I was at weight and went off HRT - this is the repping bit
>1 pressup off the RM entry standard but wasn't progressing after a year so called it quits
>Applied for Army intel/sigs/artillery - back on HRT
Which is where I'm at now. My brain (or the part of it I don't get to control) finds every reason to keep trying this and every reason not to try anything else. I don't want to or choose to think like this, but I can't control it.
>This should open the door to a diverse set of opportunities right?
>the one that by now is the one most familiar (=least scary)
I guess in a sense the military is a comfort blanket because I know i'm vastly overqualified (like i'm not applying as an officer or anything) and can do it. The constant "what if I'm not good enough" of applying to design stuff eats at me a lot.
I could probably find work just doing engineering in a factory for not bad pay, but then I see some of the skillsets they want, and mine doesn't feel adequate.
>Do you see a chance to slip into that career path?
There's just no jobs in it really, or certainly not at my experience level. I could probably go into defence engineering (I have family connections there anyway), but that's a whole ethical can of worms if not a good way to surround myself with people liable to enforce repper mindset.
I suppose I should really just throw my hat into some grad schemes and see if anything raises its head, at least then I'll know.

It's stupid, I've never had a problem finding work, but I've always applied for low-bar-to-entry jobs.

>>40094910
Also all that experience has fucked up my self perception.
I was obese out of uni so I still see myself as fat even though I view myself as pretty physically capable.
Repping (and general corps mindset - self brainwashing if you like) made my mind fairly indestructible at the cost of my ability to feel much of anything, and of course I am unravelling that intentionally, but I don't think I process it that well.
And of course, I also end up viewing my body as unchangeably masculine because I know (well at least 6 months ago) I was visibly muscular. I've said it before but I was not bad at being a man and this is part of why I struggle with outing myself because is a cisnormative context. How do I explain to someone that I willingly am giving/gave that up in a way they'll be able to understand?
>>40089374
Forgot to tag you for the second half of previous. yea...

>>40094910
> Royal Marines
If you're in the Commonwealth, you can serve openly despite the huge populist anti-trans backsliding in the UK. In my experience, the military doesn't really care about civvies spreading hate. So until you stay a good soldier, the military doesn't care about your LGBT status. (See Black integration).

My $.02 is that you should transition and serve openly as a woman in your chosen branch. Arty would need maths, but if you're looking for a civvie career, I would take signals and intel. (Intel might make you a tad paranoid, though), because what you learn there would be useful in civvie telcos especially paired with electronics and mechatronics degrees.

> Academia
Please, don't do that to yourself.

> Full civilian job
In case of a civilian job, the larger company (by size and valuation of public stock) you can apply to, the better. They tend to be more tolerant even in repressive regimes, because they must follow ESG guidelines.

When a Corpo gets the list to HR to what skills should they put on the job ad, then they paint a pretty good picture of their tech stack, which, with experience can be used as an OSINT source to guess the project before the technical interview.

If you play being enthusiastic enough, Corpos may overlook many of the requirements. They don't usually look for a 100% match. Just put jour CV to a couple of places.

The only downside is: if you tasted and liked the military, you might miss both the mission and tge camaraderie in the corpo world.

>>40094910
> Defense sector, civilian
Navy, you're contemplating pulling a rifle and pointing it at the enemies of your nation. The question asks itself: How different is it to pull the trigger yourself or create the weapons that enable the warfighter to be more lethal, and enable them to come back home in one piece?

You mentioned family connections, and there's your pull towards defence. They usually ask for a clearance, but if you have no issues other than transsexualism, you will be fine.

Navy, as I see, but please correct me if I'm wrong, I felt in your writing a pull toward your nation's defense. If it's anything similar to mine (I can't serve *because* I'm transsexual), you will probably regret staying civilian. Please consider if *any* path was open to you, what would you choose? Let your heart lead, for once.

> Resiliency
I'm approaching from the other direction. I transitioned, and now I'm processing decades of trauma. In my case when I was there, the pull to transition was too strong, especially because it was when the legal routes narrowed. (I was among the last batches of people ever to have granted a corrected gender marker and name in my country). I didn't regret transitioning. If your country is in a populist backslide, then please consider saving your own life before it would be late.

>>40090661
Thank you siganon. I have been using chatgpt in the last 3 months I've been in staging. (Not unsafe, but not fully safe yet). It has been helping me a lot. So much that I often wonder I imagined all of it. But usually people don't just pack and run. Several times in fact (it was attempt #3, 4? Among the more serious ones.)

It's so good to hear that at least someone is behind me. Healing is not linear, that much I knew even before starting but... it's still strange leaning on someone other than myself. Just enough to get myself together.

>>40094671
>There's gotta be SOME pathway you're 'supposed to' take, even if it's poorly maintained.
Well I intend on finding it because if I have an issue and can get a diagnosis that avoids me being 5 digits in debt I would love to have it
>Wish you luck anon
Same for you, hope everything works out

>>40094948
The fact that you experience disconfirt with your assigned gender (that you seex to correct with HRT, and you repress) is completely unrelated to how "good" are you as a cisnirmative male. It's anecdotal, but once I knew a trans girl who was a lumberjack (not many job opportunities where she lived). She was muscular (although not the wide bear you think of when hearing lumberjack, but think Jackie Chan, but White, sun-kissed, lean, well above 6 ft, a large oval face, and silken golden hair to the middle of her back.) She was actually dysphoric about her muscle mass, and said she couldn't wait for HRT to melt it all away.

In your case, muscles have a place if you are applying for the military. But my question is: if you don't think cisnormativity is for you, why can't you imagine yourself as a woman... who happens to be muscular (and not for show - you need to stay fit while you serve your country).

And also... No one needs an explanation *why* do you transition. People who do don't transition because they failed as a man. They transition because they're disphoric. And dysphoria can happen to anyone, unfortunately.

Why is it so hard to feel like I deserve to keep on going?

I can't be that bad, right?

>>40095090
>>40095088
The openly serving thing is awkward because they dont like you taking HRT while in training or not being ""fully transitioned"" my repper plan was unironically just out myself as soon as i got out of training and start hrt then.
If i was going to do it now I'd just lie about being on HRT/trans until getting to unit then out myself.
Which I may still do, they could catch me possibly on a bloodtest but frankly I dont think they're testing for it. Ofc if they were to it would be ggs but probably something I could recover from easily enough. Well and the physical effects of HRT may become obvious after 9months.
Definitely need to ask them how days off work in training, I'd only need 1/30 to maintain HRT
>How different is it to pull the trigger yourself
My justification was always I have to have some skin in the game myself if I'm going to do anything that results in someone getting killed (not that i particularly want to see anyone killed but I'm not a pacifist).
Mind you for civi jobs I was unironically looking at a factory engineering job with PepsiCo who depending on your politics you may consider more morally reprehensible than like Babcock lmao.

On a listening to my heart level I want to try just to see if I can pull it off (also I do find the EW/Intel stuff genuinely interesting) I only applied artillery because you have to pick 3 and they're most likely to do the all arms course lol (repper thoughts, no chance im doing the AACC while on HRT). But I'm malebraining myself right now because of an Army related thing I've gotta do.
>Populist backslides
Just on that, i do think military experience has some credibility for keeping us safe, it's a somewhat useful tool to be able to have skills that create a semi-credible threat to populists.
Certainly trying for the Marines gave me a shitload of physical confidence but ofc I can't carry that in a passably fem way.
Anyway too much malebrain at once :P

>>40093716
okay, thank you!
glad to hear it's helped you and actually does help if used consistently!
but would you recommend it more for dense concentrations of hair, or does it also work on sparse terminal hairs?

>>40095710
> Too much malebrain
If at all, I'm the malebrained one in this space. And I call myself a woman (transitioned 10 yrs ago).

> 1/30 days off
I don't know if there are any long-acting antiandrogens, or you're planning a high dose monotherapy, but preparing an injection requires you to have a place when you're undisturbed for 5 minutes, and - depending on the fact if you need to keep E refrigerated - a book-size container in a fridge which must stay undisturbed.

Injectables are harder in this way than pills, but after you're out, pills may be safer for you.

> You can't be confident and fem
Emma Watson, Zoe Saldana, Maeve from Westworld just from the back hand. Navy, you don't need to be a doormat because you're fem.

> It's good to be able to protect yourself
You're right. Us girls need to be /k/ to protect ourselves. But in my experience, and correct me if I'm wrong, most challenges a woman (or trans woman) experiences are not things weapons can protect from.
- Populist backsliding creates gatekeeping and institutional hurdles to transitioning
- Transphobia legalizes stupid shit like the gay reflex defense which means if your partner found out you're trans in flagranti, it's self defense if he attacked or killed you.
- Domestic partner violence doesn't always start with a slap. By the time he's down to violence, you're ground down enough you're not able to mount effective resistance.
- Loss of friends, loss of social life, loss of family is not something weapons protect you from.
- You may or may not have trauma other than gender dysphoria which gender dysphoria may suppress. Quieting dysphoria may unearth suppressed trauma.

>>40095728
I didnt see as noticeable of an improvement on areas with less hair, but then again it’s harder to notice when something theres less of changes. As long as the individual hair strands are thick and dark it should be able to reach them.

>>40094627
As I’ve never lived in Canada or the US I cant say for sure what’s permitted and isnt in terms of booking appointments without referrals, but I imagine there may be some guidelines online. Having said that getting a referral from a GP normally doesnt take more than finding one who isn’t against the idea of psychiatry, saying you suspect you may have it and listing a few relevant difficulties you may have. Additionally if you already have a documented history of anxiety and stress, or have family members with autism, adhd, or Ehlers-Danlos, thats often all they need to hear to agree to it.
>doctor told me to get tested for autism
This should, in theory, be justification enough to request a referral to an adhd screening as well. The comorbidity rates are high enough that being tested for both should almost be a requirement.
You also have cases where one gets mistaken for the other, so it’s often a good idea to ask anyway, if you stand to gain anything from the diagnosis.

went to Ikea as I had wanted, but misjudged the level of passive physical pain I was in… exhausted now. Spent most of the day dizzy following the bus ride. Mentally my head is stuck in a haze of unfinished feelings and retrospection.
My lab results still havent shown up. what Im feeling physically matches up well with what infections returning can feel like.hopefully they’ll send me the results soon.

Hi /sig/, Panty here. I’ve been meaning to post here again, sorry for disappearing.

I have been staying busy with /sig/ things in my absence. So much I won’t try to fit it all into one post.

Still exercising. The numbers on my scale don’t change much, but my clothes are still getting bigger.

I got my PC up and running. By the way, I’m amazed at how much cheaper this PC was to put together than an iPad. It took more research and patience, but it was still a fraction of the cost.

I’m going to get a drawing tablet soon and switch to drawing on the PC. In the meantime I’m using it to get data I want to keep off of my phone. I just find it’s easier to use a PC in a way that’s better for eye, hand and posture health compared to a smartphone.

I recently heard of Commonplace Books, which is like a journal maintained for personal reference. I’m starting to make one where I write down all of my favorite facts about my special interests, look up where I learned things again and get the exact details down in one place. That way I don’t have to keep this stuff memorized, and if I ever want to look anything up again, it will be easier than trying to find whatever video or article I learned something from years ago.

>>40097857
I live in France actually, I'm only in Canada for the summer.
But once again the biggest issue is that most psychiatrists don't take new patients where I live, and I can't call the ones that might right now because that would cost an arm and a leg in phone fees... As soon as I get back home I'll try (hope I can find some motivation for this one time) and find an appointment, I just need to somehow not fuck up my internship rn (which I'm not on the right track for).

>>40091076
>what was your IRL situation?
I'm in a situation where it's impossible to socialize with anyone new and where every interaction is tightly scripted. It's hellish enough.
>Does that sound appealing or appalling to you?
That tends to lead to a brief reaction and then nothing. It's nowhere near really being friends. I can send memes and youtube links all the time, but "heh" doesn't give much to go off of after that. Talking about mutual interests sounds nice, but I can never get to that point, or at that point I'm certain the conversation is effectively over.

Yeah. Im sorry.

>>40091076
I was jebaited by the thumbnail. If you don't want /pol/ stragglers like me, work on removing the board from popular threads. I meant exacly what I said. Work on living a long life, stop defining yourself on the way you fornicate, fornicate responsibly, and while hormones are OK don't fall for the sex reassignment surgery because it's just mutilation and you'll fucking regret it. And know what you're doing. By your answer I assume you don't want to hear it.

>>40090592
>hope things improve soon for you.. it's a rough spot to be in. Having to take care of loved ones when you yourself need support too
All I want is to be secure financially, that's it.
At the end of the day, I want us all to be financially secure so me and my siblings can be clear of family drama forever.
I'm even willing to change my name if it helps people not have to associate with an embarrassment like me.

>That makes sense, but to heal you will likely have to let go of this feeling, once you are out of the worst of the shitshow of depending on people that are destructively unreasonable
I hate being used as a reflection of my parents and family, it's exhausting having to perform for every person I ever meet.

sh anon back yet again 320 days self harm free but the self hate thoughts are getting stronger and stronger. I wish I could've just been born a normal girl I don't want to be beautiful or anything just normal and I want to have a husband and kids of my own and a little place to call our own but I know it's not going to ever happen for me I'm just gonna continue to be a failure and keep crying and making manic purchases for projects that I tell myself I'll do but never actually follow through on, I wish this life wasn't so cruel to me sorry to be a whiny bitch but I just have nowhere else to say this. I jsut want to go in bed and rot until I'm no more

I'm tired of my thoughts not making sense. I think more than ever I have to take complete responsibility for changing my life, and I've been secretly wishing someone would care about me first. Well, I can't do that. My therapist barely helps & pretty much anyone is as likely to derail me or project onto me or waste my time as listen to me
I'm going to give up on most of my dreams for a while and try to focus on just a few. Like I only have a year or two to live & don't have time to mess around. A few times I've been able to kind of shift into that mindset and it was morbid but also uplifting. Ik it's not some brilliant solution. I don't rly know how to get where I want to go. But I've been listening to society and other ppl too much. I have to love myself more than anyone else ever will

>>40099973
Ahh, I see (hope you have a fun time over there. Would like to go there myself some day)
That… probably would make for some awfully expensive phone calls, yeah.
>psychiatrists don’t take new patients
Yes, it seems like a big problem in many countries right now. I’m not sure if there’s any other solutions to it than waiting it out or paying for a private clinic. For some countries your GP (or whoever is referring you) can mark you as a priority patient which can speed up the wait time, but it often requires being at the brink of hospitalisation. Another option is calling psychiatrists who arent taking in new patients and asking them to put you on a waitlist, either to be alerted when they start taking in new patients, or for when one time consultations that existing patients have called in sick for open up with short notice. Not all psychs do this, but if you luck out it can speed up the process tremendously.

>>40105261
I want to congratulate you on how long you’ve gone without it sh anon, but I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this bad. I don’t have any advice, but I don’t think you’re whiny for voicing that it’s hard.

>>40098837
It’s cool to see you’re still at it Panty. Good luck with the journal, it sounds pretty fun

>>40106738
Also rly hard to know which of my instincts and neuroses are worth something when I know how domesticated & delusional parts of me are. It all feels a bit catch 22 when one of the big vectors for feeling this way is wishing I had a best friend, wishing I was just a young person getting to figure out who they are, wishing I was more of a real person w a life and not just in my head, having repressed all that, but it's all on me to get there from being almost bedbound & socially atrophied, and I'm too unfocused and distraught to sit down & make a plan typically x( it's like I know what a stupid fuckup I am but there's no outlet to express it or move on from it (nor any realistic model I've found in culture for how to get out of it, u just have to learn to gritnyour teeth and figure it out i guess). I was supposed to be a beautiful shameless borderline manic autist instead i have failed myself & turned out lame. But see there it is again wanting a logical way out bc actually being in the middle of it as i try to knit my feelings back together makes no sense in the moment & feels like I'm drinking my own koolaid in increasingly arcane ways

I'll try to make more serious goals when I see my therapist but I wanna start girlmoding/dressing how I want fulltime, going to festivals and poetry and comedy nights, backpacking, busking, writing, drawing & being way more social irl this year

BTW if any fellow self improvers want to try adding me my disc is mothmoles

home..

>>40090592
>Good, I think you know what I would suggest there, right? I think probing them to for emotional support. I understand trust is a precious, precious resource of which you have very little left right now
Incredibly true.
>But you do have needs that require you to invest it
I plan to explain my situation to them as fully as possible sometime this week.
It's gonna take a lot of time but I legitimately don't know how long I can hold all of this in my brain.
>That can lead to a lot of learned helplessness which will need unlearning later, yeah
I have this weird feeling, where I feel like I need permission to do anything at all.

>It sucks, it is disorienting, and it will make you feel like a lot of things that can and WILL work in a better environment don't cause you only know how things play out with everything stacked against you
I wish I wasn't so dependant on the mercy of other people, it's stressful.
At least In m becoming independent eventually instead of later.

>>40057676

>let's take it from the top on Monday then
I again ended up not going... I'm not even sure why. I was telling myself over and over yesterday and tuesday that I needed to go, but I didn't. I'll try again next week I suppose. Though I'm not entirely sure it can really be considered trying.

I did actually book an appointment with planned parenthood though... only problem is it's 3 months from now.

I feel like I'm losing the motivation that I had.... I don't know why I can't just do the things I want to do.

>>40090592
>I think you won't appreciate how fucked up and worthy of sympathy and understanding that really is until you're out of that boiling pot for a while
I don't wanna emotionally drain anyone, I just wanna survive and get through whatever this is supposed to be.
>So let me stress: cut yourself 10 times more slack than you think you should. You likely lack a frame of reference right now. No matter how poorly you think you are managing, trust me, it is admirable
Thank you. I feel a bit better.

>I understand, it is a natural consequence but it will get in your way a great deal when times finally get better, and even now it can hurt and stall you
I don't know, it feels like I can't risk trying to make a connections right now, I do t want to make a bad reputation for myself or my family by being myself around people.
I really need to fix myself.
>That is why I push in the ways I do
I understand, I'll try to be open minded about it.

>>40090592
>That's okay.
I really hope so.

>You have done more than enough for others, been more than enough for others, you need breathing room
I really hope I can afford to do that one day.

wow AI slop has killed DeviantArt... impossible to find good human art there now... such is the enshittification of life...

>>40090230
>I haven't held a Reclam book in my hands for years! I might get it some time, thank you.
Sure thing. I don't even remember how I found that book, but I liked it...

>think of a total derivative as a Jacobian without a coordinate system specified
Ah, so the total derivative is a more general form of the Jacobian. I see.

>unless I am misreading, that is exactly true, since EL must be satisfied for all coordinates at once
Proof by prayer and confidence wins again

>I could give you a highschool-level derivation of Euler Lagrange I could write up off the cuff if you wanted
Thank u... I don't think that'll be necessary. I don't care about STEMtism right now. I've been feeling so lost again lately. It just all feels so silly & pointless & nothing is fun idk

>I'm sorry you have to deal with so much bs however, I wish I knew how to help you to those wonderful experiences I made
That's nice of you to say. I feel like it's not really a "putting up with BS" problem, more of a "me" problem. I am just incompatible with this world and most people. Things are fairly good right now in my life, I just feel so over everything

>even crossing Bundesland borders?
Prospected a couple of times outside of my Bundesland, was enrolled even. But it never worked out. Being an alumni at every uni in Germany is hyperbole of course but I've been enrolled at... wow, at least seven universities so far... it'll be eight soon... and I still don't have a bachelor's lmao. that's probably not good...

Bamp

Sleep tight sig

Hey Sig! Hope you're doing well!
I'm back to posting here, took an accidental break after a bunch of stuff happened IRL.
My boiler room flooded in the middle of the night, and while we're not a stranger to boiler room incidents, this one was BAD, we had so much water in our hallway carpet from it we had to get that fixed, and then we had to have our carpet lifted up with these MASSIVE fans going to stop mold growth from under there. This guy was supposed to come over and fix the carpets after but he never showed so that's fun.
Our landlord office is also apparently mad at me and my husband for paying rent late a bunch (only twice this year) and the owner "isn't happy with us" but considering how we're one of the best behave tenants I'm not too worried about him kicking us yet, but we are looking at moving now.

We also finally got that couch my friend bought us! It was also kind of an ordeal, since the store's team initially delivered the wrong couch, and it took an entirely different team to come by and actually give us the right one.
The real tragedy of that was the first team broke my Tanjiro figure when they were installing the wrong couch, they ended up breaking off his sword.

It hasn't been all bad though! Me and my husband went to our first local pride event. I live in an extremely red state, and there was something really heartwarming about seeing how many people were at the event and all the support there was locally, even if things are scary right now.
I also got a part time job!! It gets me out of the house and earning cash, which is great!
Me and my husband are trying to be more mindful, and we'll be going on some night time walks to start on being more active, so fingers crossed we can stick with it!

it's possible I just passed 100 lbs for the first time in my life. anyway I've been consistently eating 2500 calories a day for a couple weeks and seeing decent results in the graph. from what I've seen in previous attempts it looks like a single bad day under maintenance causes my weight to fall immediately and then take extra time to catch back up to a steady rise, so I'm really just trying not to miss a day.

I just started pio and I'm not sure what to expect but I'll keep graphing to see if I have any substantial gains from it.

Bump. Remember your sunscreen anons. Summer is upon us

>>40116262
true, I get so many compliments on my depression complexion that it really drives me to be super diligent with sunscreen

>>40090661
>I think you have a good outlook on that front, yeah
Constant damage control is really frustrating but I can't imagine much beyond that these days.

>And none of it is your fault
Are you sure?
Why does it feel like it is, somehow?
Why does it feel like I'm supposed to be getting punished?

>The sooner your surroundings are mopped up the better
How do I stop all the spills?

>>40090661
>Which is why I am pushing back, yeah. A lot of the things I talk about, what Navy mentioned too, is about self-conditioning.
What is that exactly?
How would you explain it?

>You know we as people are super prone to self deception and sadly the only way to undo it that I know of is basically reverse gaslighting
I have a bad habit of confusing positive thinking with being unrealistic or lazy.
I know it's not really the case but it's a weird impulse in my thoughts.

I’ve decided on a whim that I’m a trutrans girl
Even if I’m not feminine or girly and very malebrained I’m still a real girl
Sorry if I’m cringe
Now I need to keep hrt and also transition in more ways and while it will be overwhelming eventually I will be just a normal woman

>>40117145
It doesn't work like that you poor child

>>40107412
Welcome home siganon

>>40117145
psyop

>>40117151
Ok
I guess it doesn’t
I guess I should suffer
That’s ok
It’s ok to be male on hrt and stuff

>>40117187
Mb I won’t post again

I haven't gotten around to reading the thread properly yet, but let me announce my presence by addressing the first thing I saw checking the thread. (I will be back later to post more I think, right now I am a little too sticky to focus).
>>40117213
>>40117145
You, yes you. You will post again, for old siganon's sake, okay? You are a real girl, yes. Don'tcha worry. And I will personally affirm each of you if I have to. I don't care for tru/faketrans discourse, my focus is more on ensuring people can live happily and in safety.
>>40117206
Oh no you won't. Suffer, that is. Your boy license is revoked until further notice.

>>40090661
>It is hard. Really damn hard. It's more a training regimen than a thing you can just "turn on". It's a habit to form, and is meant to rob you of those shitty feelings
Is a mantra or positive affirmations the only way to really cement this kind of thing into a habit.

>Emotional detachment will later get in your way, the above has no drawbacks known to me
I do t like the idea of getting hurt anymore but I suppose that's not something I can control really.

Once again, I am filled with seething anger and hatred for everyone around me.

>>40090661
>I'm happy to hear that, Anon. In this general we are there for one another. I think that's beautiful
Thank you, Anon. It's nice to real like there's a place I can go without my problems weighing anyone down.

>And if you can relate, remember, you are part of that beauty
Thank you.

>>40118715
Why is that, Anon?

>>40118918
Because one part of my immediate family will just fuck off for weeks on end, leaving me with the other part of my family that absolutely does not respect me or my boundaries

Pg 9. Sleepy.

Gonna have to scramble the post order. I also should run a nice midnight bath later.
>>40091083
Was the last post I read when I went to bed that night, it made me smile.
>>40093716
You did nothing wrong, shinjinon <3 I deeply appreciate your care.. thank you.
>>40093742
Hope you had a pleasant time, and don't you worry, you can always start an entirely unrelated conversation and people will pick it up.
>>40094910
>The constant "what if I'm not good enough" of applying to design stuff eats at me a lot.
You lack "audacity" if you will. You definitely need to really push yourself out of your comfort zone there I suppose.
>then I see some of the skillsets they want, and mine doesn't feel adequate.
I have a nice thought for you that should be productive while exploiting a back door in your low self esteem: if you think yourself incapable of doing the job, how could you be possibly qualified to judge your capability? Best you can do is apply for things that seem way above your skill level and let the experts decide. Which is also the conclusion you arrived at it seems!
>There's just no jobs in it really, or certainly not at my experience level.
Is it the eternal paradox of people looking for new hires with X years of experience?
Agreed on avoiding defense engineering.
>I've always applied for low-bar-to-entry jobs.
Don't beat yourself up, self sabotage is normal and a constant part in everyone's life. You're young, you're capable. Nothing is lost.
>>40095111
I am glad you got away, Anon. Things are hard, but yes, this general (and I personally) has your back to the limited extent we can. You survived, and continue to, and I want to see you thrive. It will take time. I am excited to see it happen. I hope to keep this place alive for years to come. I'm proud of you. I hope you will be too, when you had time to process it all.

>>40095678
You aren't. You have just been dealt a shit hand, and many people reach an "is it me?" point looking for meaning in.. cruel randomness. Sometimes the guy who got struck by lightning 5 times didn't do anything stupid, he is just a statistical anomaly for no fault of his own. Life can be like that. And it is incomprehensible to BE the black swan event.
On a less depressing note, I have something to tell you: if you see no value in yourself, perhaps consider your story. Keeping on going inspires others to do the same. Victories encourage others. Sharing failures is important too, confusingly enough, because people fail all the time. And if they only hear of successes they will end up thinking they are alone and broken in ways nobody else is. Eventually you make it out, things pass, and that gives hope. EVERY step of the way means something to someone, Anon. It is not for naught. It is not whining. It is *fundamentally* human.
>>40098789
I hope the mfs hurry the hell up.. if they stopped your antibiotics treatment too early this would be a major fuckup and even THEY should understand that this would need serious intervention. I am sorry the Ikea visit ended up so arduous, what did you end up getting though? Some silver lining in there?
>>40098837
Panty! Been a while, girlie.
>I got my PC up and running. By the way, I’m amazed at how much cheaper this PC was to put together than an iPad. It took more research and patience, but it was still a fraction of the cost.
That's absolutely awesome! I had a computer related project myself, I am now a proud owner of a huge NAS, in other words an array of redundant hard drives I can access through my network like a 20TB USB stick. It's a dream come true, really.
>Commonplace Books
Interesting approach, had to look it up! It's kind of like I compile my notes.
>>40102310
What for, Anon?

>>40103352
>If you don't want /pol/ stragglers like me
It's not like you are unwelcome per se, I just find most of your advice not particularly aimed at anyone or -thing in particular. You seem to address LGBT people in your head more than anyone specifically posting here so.. shrug. People here are fleshed out individuals and I have not seen a single post here in all these years where the foreground of people's issues related to them having sex. Not really.
>>40104475
I think you are awesome, Anon. The real you, not your performance. I hope these threads offer what little respite they can. <3
>>40100786
>I'm in a situation where it's impossible to socialize with anyone new and where every interaction is tightly scripted. It's hellish enough.
That fucking sucks, you are walking on eggshells IRL then.
>That tends to lead to a brief reaction and then nothing.
>Talking about mutual interests sounds nice, but I can never get to that point
Hm.. so most people you met only give super terse answers. That sucks. But it also gives us a great way to pre-select people. That is to say getting right to the good parts of exploring mutual interests. "Hey, nice to meet you, what kinda things are you interested in? I enjoy stuff like ...". Worst answers I tend to get are "I always hated X in school, ahahaha.." which I then try to work my way around finding other common ground. None of this crap is easy by the way, I hope I don't sound like I am saying you are doing something fundamentally wrong. I feel like it is more a matter of finding a sufficiently large quantity of people to sift through. I am not good with social media, though you might find peeps in the unofficial server?

>>40092962
>>40093041
>>40099973
Super proud of you for mustering up the courage, Anon. I want you to know that you are far from alone with these issues, we frequently have peeps like you, and I am sure they feel less alone seeing other people go through the same issues. Shinji anon already has made a good point. You got to understand: something like this is NEVER laziness. Something is wrong. Get yourself checked asap if you can at all help it, we have some resources for ADHD as well (see the howtoadhd channel for example). I wish you ALL the best, and I hope to see you around!
If you are presently insured in Canada, try to get your diagnosis there. Sadly I can't help you with the deets but counseling should at the very least be available for you! I think >>40094671 makes a great point, too. You are not alone in all this as you can see. We're wishing you all the best!
>>40105261
Almost an entire year, Anon! That's a major milestone!
>self hate thoughts are getting stronger and stronger.
It sounds like you are struggling with dysphoria because of boymode, really.
>I wish this life wasn't so cruel to me sorry to be a whiny bitch
You aren't whiny AT ALL. Promise. I am very proud of you, you are doing great, I wanted you to write your honest feelings from day 1 and have always encouraged you to, haven't I? We should talk about ways for you to be out in ways that matter to you. It will help a great deal I think. What is your environment like, out to anyone?

>>40108761
>>40108987
>>40109059
>I plan to explain my situation to them as fully as possible sometime this week.
Perfect! Please, keep me posted.
>I have this weird feeling, where I feel like I need permission to do anything at all.
If it helps even a tiny bit, I will gladly pen you specific permissions for as many things as it takes to subvert your brain into letting you help yourself. Free of charge, heh.
>I wish I wasn't so dependant on the mercy of other people, it's stressful.
It is. It always is. So often when I help loved ones my biggest hurdle are third parties. It is a constant.
>I don't wanna emotionally drain anyone
You don't just by leaning on people. People need being needed. Have faith in that.
>Thank you. I feel a bit better.
I'm happy to hear that.
>I don't want to make a bad reputation for myself or my family by being myself around people.
Difficult. I suppose there is no harm in being strategic with "useful" people, but looking out for people to keep around for the sake of cherishing them is a good idea nonetheless. Permission to let yourself be loved granted.
>I really hope so.
I will affirm you as often as you need it. I will never tire of that.
>I really hope I can afford to do that one day.
I cannot wait to see it happen. I am rooting for you.
>>40106738
>been secretly wishing someone would care about me first.
Hey.. that is normal. If nothing else, you deserve emotional support even if you are the one doing the heavy lifting. That is what support networks are for.
>My therapist barely helps
Hm.. for context, are you one of the Anons I frequently talk to? As for other people, I get it. People are a mixed bag. But some people won't be the way you fear, and some people will correct themselves if asked.
>But I've been listening to society and other ppl too much.
>I have to love myself more than anyone else ever will
I fully support that, though. And I would love to get to know you better to offer what little I can to supplement.

Goodness gracious it was over 35°C today, and I'm honestly pretty spent. As much as it pains me I don't think I'll manage to fully catch up with the thread tonight. So I will prep one more post, hop in the bathtub and return to you all tomorrow.
>>40117152
That was really sweet, by the way.. thank you for that.
>>40116262
I definitely forgot mine today, a mistake I won't be making twice!
>>40107015
>hard to know which of my instincts and neuroses are worth something
If you need external sanity checks, we've got your back.
>to get there from being almost bedbound & socially atrophied
>I'm too unfocused and distraught to sit down & make a plan typically x(
I think I get what you are looking for, generally. And I think your plans are already going in a perfectly sensible direction! Please give us an update after you saw your therapist, alright? As for discord, do give our unofficial server a chance if you haven't yet, lots of very nice people last I checked, I am generally available in dms from there but I rarely if ever check the server myself since I am just too busy with the threads alone.
>>40108969
This is actually very interesting, it reads almost like executive dysfunction. I can't diagnose you obviously but if you feel like you have some paralysis where you KNOW you need to to the thing but somehow.. don't? This is an ADHD tell sometimes. Can also be from depression and other things but.. it is worth investigating. Is it really a motivation thing? Worth pondering.

>>40121883
>it reads almost like executive dysfunction
I've looked at executive dysfunction before and felt like it fits, but I'm very hesitant to self-diagnose. I suppose it could be something to explore with a therapist.... if I ever do see one.

>This is an ADHD tell sometimes
I've also felt like I probably have some level of ADHD, taken a bunch of those online tests and almost all give moderate to severe indication of ADHD. But I know that online tests aren't super reliable and again I'm hesitant to self-diagnose.

The only things I've ever been officially diagnosed with are major depression and generalized anxiety disorder, but that was almost 9 years ago. The psychiatrist that diagnosed me with those also said they thought I may have BPD but didn't want to diagnose it officially because I was only 17 at the time. There's almost definitely some kind of serious untreated mental disorder (or multiple) that I have....

>Is it really a motivation thing?
I think in a way it is. I don't think not doing it is due to a lack of motivation, but I do think that not doing it is killing my motivation... if that makes sense.

>>40121510
Thank you very much for the kind words anon, I think I'm more decided than ever to do something about it !
I got the courage to show up to work on Thursday and finally wrote an email to my supervisor to inform them of my situation, they replied very kindly so I'm hoping it'll all go well.
I also managed to snatch a remote appointment next week with a psychiatrist in my hometown, so if it goes well I might be able to continue seeing them when I come back in a month and a half.
I'll post a follow up after my appointment, hope I can manage to keep some momentum until then

Not sure where else to put this, dont want to make a new thread just for my own bitching. I feel like I need to change my outlook on something. Gonna just copy past the confessional I was gonna throw in a confession thread if one was up and let people... go.
I am in love with my best friend and she is in love with a depressed bastard that doesnt give her much attention. She's stuck on this prick because he's the only one who gave her a shot before she transitioned. I wind up kinda filling in the blanks while her SO is in his slumps and even tho I earnestly like making her days better, I loathe that she has to feel that way to fucking begin with. I shouldnt *have* to be the one to make her feel like the perfect woman she is - that *should* be her SO.
Im under no illusions I could be perfect, or hell, even just be better. But Id rather burn my own soul being what she needed for long enough to get somewhere better than to watch her marry someone who makes her feel so lonely and isolated half the time.
Unfortunately there is no stopping it. Ill break my heart watching her fall apart every month and on some months I wont be lucky enough to stop her loneliness driven self harm. I've seen this cycle play out in others and it never gets better. Marriage doesnt fix a person - most of the time it gives them the comfort to degrade more.

Thats a lot of justifying, but theres also a supremely jealous part of me that wishes I could just kiss her and rip her away from this train wreck. I... I want her to be in *my* life every day because she is the most beautiful, kind, and endlessly optimistic person I've ever met. But that reality will not be and Im selfish for thinking it ever even could. I need to let it go but, man, it hurts so fuckin bad.

>>40103352
It honestly just sounds like you're projecting your own stuff on us tbqh

>>40119334
Damn, I'm sorry, Anon.

Have you spoken to them about this before or is it unlikely to help at this point?

>>40121462
>I think you are awesome, Anon. The real you, not your performance
I don't know if you truly mean that but thank you.
I wish I could be more.

>I hope these threads offer what little respite they can. <3
They help me decompress a little.
Feels good to just talk.

>>40121753
>Perfect! Please, keep me posted
I will, I plan to break down the whole situation tomorrow, since it's something I'll need a ton of focus for.
So much has happened over the past three months, Jesus christ.

>If it helps even a tiny bit, I will gladly pen you specific permissions for as many things as it takes to subvert your brain into letting you help yourself. Free of charge, heh.
Honestly?
That would actually help me a lot.

>It is. It always is. So often when I help loved ones my biggest hurdle are third parties. It is a constant.
I'm glad I'm not in too unusual of a position then.
Do you find there are ways of working around this somehow?

>You don't just by leaning on people. People need being needed. Have faith in that
I'll try to, I just don't like taking more from people than I can give back.
I don't like owing people, makes my chest tight.

>I'm happy to hear that
It's helping.

>>40056254 (OP)
How do you find irl events to go to if you live with your parents in boomer suburbhell? There's a large city nearby but I just don't know where I would go to meet people really.

>>40121753
>Difficult. I suppose there is no harm in being strategic with "useful" people, but looking out for people to keep around for the sake of cherishing them is a good idea nonetheless
I have people I really care for, I just don't know if I can risk adding more people to my circle.
Especially when it's hard for to be normal around new people.

>Permission to let yourself be loved granted
Now that, would feel great.

>I will affirm you as often as you need it. I will never tire of that.
Also a relief.

>I cannot wait to see it happen. I am rooting for
Me neither, I really want to be able to live one day.

So uhh, been away for two/three days doing an army assessment centre (which I went into thinking it would just be a way to kill a few days and would put me off the whole thing).
However, i've come to the unfortunate realisation that I am actually just really good at the whole military thing.
82 on my cognitive test (average is about 50 apparently), 10.2 bleep test (last person in my group to drop off), everything (which I guess I knew).
It feels weird because this is the first time I've felt like I was excelling at something for years, and of course, that makes me want to keep going.
I think the only way I'm going to kill this urge is to actually just keep trying at it until I'm physically stopped (be that HRT or physical changes outing me or otherwise). I promise those who know I'm not falling back into repping, I staunchly refuse to stop HRT, but this feels like the one thing I'm good at and unfortunately, I am interested in the subject matter and think at least once outed HRT is workable within that (really training while on HRT would be the only hurdle) it's not like I'm trying to join the infantry or anything.
>>40121202
>You definitely need to really push yourself out of your comfort zone there I suppose.
I guess it feels odd that my comfort zone is the military. Ended up falling a bit into transremorse for half a day or so, bc if I weren't trans, this would be such an easy decision.
>Is it the eternal paradox of people looking for new hires with X years of experience
A bit of that, but also just not a lot of companies doing it, and so they can be picky about hiring heavily experienced design engineers.
I feel like I regret my choice of words in >>40089257 because at least some of my thoughts are just that I should do this because I'm good at it, and unfortunately, do enjoy a fair few parts of it.
I don't feel I'll be confident girlmoding until over a year HRT anyway and so i'm sort of "well what the fuck i'm basically repping anyway so why not get it done"

>>40128580
I'm sorry, it feels like the wrong conclusion to reach, but I just don't think I can escape it.
I have so much I want to get done to be happy girlmoding (fixing my hair, probably FFS, dropping weight, laser etc) that I just can't stop myself thinking that slowing the switch into girlmoding can't actually do me much harm.

And I haven't really said before, but the 3 days with the army still felt better than my current job.
I can't defend it, I'm being selfish, and I don't pretend that joining the military is some moral good but I can't find it within me to stop. I hope that that doesn't lower anyone's view of me but I suppose it should.

hi /sig/, I never really wanted to post about all my dumb gay loser shit in here, but I've been stacking wins lately and wanted to give anons some hopefuel. I abandoned NEETdom for trade school recently and it's the best decision of my entire life besides transitioning in the first place. I'm kicking ass in my program, getting great feedback, and even started working out somewhere along the way. still totally fucking terrified about trying to get out in the real world and turn my skills into a real money-making career, but shit, I've gotten this far somehow. wagmi if we keep putting in the work

>>40128638
>>40128580
Even in advance: Thank you for your service, Navy, and wish you the best in BCT and beyond!
If I remember correctly, FIRES (Artillery, eg. 13F) ?
It might be something with trans girls and the military, AFAIK, you're not the first, not the last trans woman in /sig/ to serve.
I myself "served" as a civilian for 3 months (17C equivalent, here many pogs are civilian). Best 3 months in my life, and the only time I felt at home in my job. The best team I could imagine, finally, for once an actual mission. Every single day, I went in, putting my heart and soul out to the job.

And I was fired because I'm a trans.
And you will be smart, Navy, and you won't be.
Make yourself proud. No one else. That's an order.

Warm.. Bad times . No progress
>>40121246
Hopefully. I’ve sent them an e-mail asking.
With how it’s worsening it’s shaping up to be another trip to the hospital for me if the result doesnt get here soon.
>what did you end up getting though? Some silver lining in there?
The trip is a bit of a blur but I know I got a plastic tray to put some of my potted plants on and some other inexpensive items I had written down on a list prior to going. Their rechargeable batteries are supposed to be pretty good :)

>Just this once, I would like to omit the Goal of the Thread. wordswordswordswordswords

>>40128638
Best of luck Navy
Pursuing something that makes you feel happy and taking your time transitioning may be the right conclusion for you to reach right now. Maybe it will change in the future, but that wont change how you feel in the present.

Alright, let's continue.
>>40109208
>wow AI slop has killed DeviantArt...
EWWWWWWWWWW, of course dA of all websites would succumb to shit like this. It sucks.
>Sure thing. I don't even remember how I found that book, but I liked it...
Sometimes I feel like Reclams just spawn sometimes. I think the last time I bought one was to have a fresh copy of Zum Ewigen Frieden on hand.
>I am just incompatible with this world and most people.
One thing people often don't see is that, statistically, most people are incompatible with most people. There are a handful of people that have a TON of friends, but the networks we form socially have a lot of nodes that are only connected to a small number of people. This shouldn't leave you isolated, however. I mean we are currently having a perfectly fine conversation and even though you feel demotivated right now neither of us would run out of tism any time soon.
>It just all feels so silly & pointless & nothing is fun idk
>I just feel so over everything
Can you elaborate a bit? I would like us to dig a little deeper to see why you feel this way.
>>40113948
Oh, it's been a minute, glad to see you. Water damage is a mess to deal with and it sounds like you had a BAD case of it.
>but we are looking at moving now.
Probably a good call, yeah.
>The real tragedy of that was the first team broke my Tanjiro figure when they were installing the wrong couch, they ended up breaking off his sword.
Oh that absolutely sucks, sorry to hear, Anon. Glad the couch saga has come to an end though.

Otherwise it sounds like things are headed in an overall nice direction at least, with the part time job, the walks and everything. Glad to hear the pride event was nice, too.

>>40117054
>Are you sure?
Absolutely. This is something that with my first and secondhand experience I can sign off with ironclad certainty.
>Why does it feel like it is, somehow?
>Why does it feel like I'm supposed to be getting punished?
...this is going to be a bit of a rough one. I don't know how this will affect you but I have never seen this received well. Please, make yourself comfortable, take a breath. I'm not joking, please.. take 5. Breathe. Have some water. Ok? Ok. I'll be frank. What you are experiencing is a common sign of abuse, or at the very least trauma. Almost nobody will ever accept these labels initially. Chances are your mind is looking for a way out to tear these labels off as we speak. It's okay. You don't have to agree. You don't have explain how what you have been through shouldn't count as either. I will just give you my general (layperson) understanding of the psychology of it.
Self blame is one of several reactions that are with us on a neurological level. Things like learned helplessness are so simple to induce we can trigger them in animals via simple, controlled lab experiments. When exposed to random punishments the vertebrate concludes, eventually, that the only commonality between the instances of suffering is themselves. When exposed to random impulses our brains still look for patterns. But garbage in, garbage out, and we end up internalizing rules and conclude things that have no actual grounding in reality. And since we all share the same base hardware, the conclusions we draw from noise are very similar between individuals.
>How do I stop all the spills?
Among other things you need emotional grounding and stress relief. Urgently. That can take on many forms, some can be bought with money, some are simple rituals that shouldn't rationally make a difference but do because, internally, we all run on small critter hardware. The limbic system does not care for arguments, it cares for comfort. Wanna discuss specifics?

>>40114725
Congratulations, chartanon! I'm happy for you. You've been with us for quite a while, I think you started posting alongside.. b, if I remember correctly (I rarely do though).
>it looks like a single bad day under maintenance causes my weight to fall immediately
This is very interesting by the way, since I have never seen this before. Maybe someone more knowledgeable than me knows the cause for this. Things might get easier after a while of maintaining the higher weight, how have portion sizes been treating you? As for pio, that's interesting, I only know it's used for diabetes, but I am not familiar at all with these types of meds.
>>40118715
>>40119334
Honestly, your fury is 100% justified. This is unacceptable. How are you holding up?
>>40118891
>Thank you, Anon. It's nice to real like there's a place I can go without my problems weighing anyone down.
You are not a burden. I will tell you that as often as you need to hear it. There are many things that you are: a human being with issues wanting to be relied upon and struggling to accept relying in turn, like many of us. But only doing the latter can encourage the former. So you're doing great.

>>40117116
>>40118700
>What is that exactly?
>How would you explain it?
You might want to read >>40130988 regarding self blame first for context, but as for what I mean by self conditioning.. an old prof of mine once said: Arguments are not won through logical reasoning, but through exhaustion. And in many cases, that rings depressingly true. But the point I am making is adjacent: minds are more commonly changed by exhausting their mental defenses against change than they are by arguments. Repetition ad nauseam is more effective than rationalization in emotional matters. If it feels like your fault (a common maladaptive response to the random cruelty of life or people), then forcibly challenging the thought, presenting the contraposition as matter of fact, doesn't land the first dozen times. But if you are forced to engage with it over and over eventually your mind gives into entertaining it. Bullying can destroy self worth by repeatedly asserting worthlessness until that is internalized. Confidence building can (and does) try to rationally engage with meaningful points, but it ALSO asserts. Repeatedly. Until internalized.
>I have a bad habit of confusing positive thinking with being unrealistic or lazy.
>it's a weird impulse in my thoughts.
A habit that must be broken, again, self deception can work. For example, positive thinking improves productivity! High expectations improve performance! Look up Pygmalion effect for evidence of that. "Knowing" this is not feeling though, so trying to kneejerk counter the thought like this is training your self worth muscles!
>Is a mantra or positive affirmations the only way
It is the only one I know at least. A therapist may have sharper tools in his box than I do.

>>40122780
Don't worry, I discourage self diagnosis too.
>I suppose it could be something to explore with a therapist.... if I ever do see one.
It might be worth to bump that up in your priority list, given circumstances. You can also look into our adhd resources and see if the coping tricks they offer help completely regardless of whether you have it or not. I mean, if it works it works right?
>if that makes sense.
It does, and you have my heartfelt sympathy. Another thing you may wanna look up and try is body doubling, if things like commitment don't work.
>>40123931
>I got the courage to show up to work on Thursday and finally wrote an email to my supervisor to inform them of my situation
>I also managed to snatch a remote appointment next week with a psychiatrist in my hometown
I'm super duper proud of you! I look forward to updates, thank you so much for sticking around. You are doing great. Believe me, it is difficult, and that you are managing this well is admirable. We're rooting for you. I know I say this a lot in this thread but people forget that so many people are trying to stop rotting. Those like you that speak up and build momentum are an inspiration. Every last one of you.
>>40127826
>I wish I could be more.
Everyone does, about most things. I have made it my self-imposed general rule to reply to as many people as I productively can for example. And yet I often wish I could do more for each of you individually. Does that sound insane? Yes. Cause it kinda is. But that is not a quirk of me personally, that is just default human behavior, and your self expectations are no less silly than mine!
>Feels good to just talk.
A listening ear is so damn important. I'm glad to do what little I can.

Scrambling post order a little to fit character limits..
>>40125255
Lemme preempt and say you did great coming here.
>I feel like I need to change my outlook on something.
>I am in love with my best friend and she is in love with a depressed bastard that doesnt give her much attention.
>I shouldnt *have* to be the one to make her feel like the perfect woman she is - that *should* be her SO.
It is definitely an issue, as much as supporting your SO is important, a support NETWORK cannot be a single person. This is what is actually meant with "a partner is not a therapist"; of course it is important to check up on one another but every person needs more than one other person for support to distribute the load. I get your perspective, as someone who has no emotional stakes and has seen this shit play out plenty as well. You are in pain, and you want to let go of a relationship that can't work out as things are. That is very mature of you, admirable even. Of course it's also a kinda self sacrifice that has its own nuances, such as her probably not being aware of your feelings, and you justifiably fearing what could happen IF she knew...
But you also want to be a good friend and want to stop the downward spiral. Here's an interesting approach: flank her. Target the SO, not her. One of the most immediate things he needs is other people. And convincing her of that would be important too. Forcing the fucker not to isolate. Fighting depression is doing things you hate (in the moment) for reasons that feel meaningless (in the moment), after all.
>>40130593
All the best, shinjinon.. Fucking hell.. I am so sorry.
>The trip is a bit of a blur but I know I got a plastic tray to put some of my potted plants on and some other inexpensive items I had written down on a list prior to going. Their rechargeable batteries are supposed to be pretty good :)
Oh nice! Where will you put the plants?

>>40128385
I have no experience with US(?) suburbia since to my knowledge it doesn't play by the same rules are small towns I am familiar with, where you would look into regional newspapers, visit local hobbyist places if they exist (game stores for /tg/ enthusiasts, libraries, .. you get the idea). Suburbia to my knowledge is just rows upon rows of houses with no sensible infrastructure right (besides larger chains reachable by car)?
>There's a large city nearby but I just don't know where I would go to meet people really.
Well it depends on your interests. If you want something LGBT, check if local universities have lgbt communities, unis tend to be teeming with activism and just meeting up with someone from there could get you insider info. More hobby focused things would require more info, but the above might give you a general idea.

>>40128050
>>40128437
>So much has happened over the past three months, Jesus christ.
Take your time. If you want, you can namefag or whatever for the purposes of keeping track, but don't feel pressured to.
>Honestly? That would actually help me a lot.
Well then, do you think it would be easy for you to ask me for specific permissions when the need arises or should I just try to infer like I did? Sometimes asking for it can have its own set of inhibitions. You are, however, given a blanket permission to ask me for permissions, NO MATTER HOW SILLY OR REDUNDANT. A blanket permission.
>Do you find there are ways of working around this somehow?
Most of the time it really is just slowly cutting ties with the unreasonable and trying to make friends that aren't. That will give you a sanity check. "Is this crazy behavior or am I doing wrong?" "No they are the problem" "ok thanks" is a very healing conversation to have in your shoes, in my experience.
>I don't like owing people, makes my chest tight.
Even letting yourself be helped is giving something to people, a kind of relief to think about it this way, isn't it?
>I have people I really care for, I just don't know if I can risk adding more people to my circle.
>Especially when it's hard for to be normal around new people.
Tell me more about your closest. Are they okay enough to be leaned on, you think?
Do you have to "be normal" around them?

I am NEVER paying for porn again

>>40128580
>>40128638
>It feels weird because this is the first time I've felt like I was excelling at something for years, and of course, that makes me want to keep going.
Of course. The only catch is, in a way, it follows the pattern of you likely underselling yourself. If you can keep the repper mindset in check you can of course pursue it. But I mean, it basically means you will commit without ever having given anything else a meaningful chance.
>but this feels like the one thing I'm good at
You did mention before you haven't really tried to aim for anything beyond things you are horrendously overqualified for so do bear that in mind. But you also said you regretted some of the ways you put things so I can't know if that is an accurate perspective. But it would explain why you dislike your current job. Understimulated.
>i'm sort of "well what the fuck i'm basically repping anyway so why not get it done"
This needs an explanation: if you pursue this, where will you be in a year? And will you be able to girlmode then? It sounds like the thing you are applying for sends you on a lifelong trajectory.
>I'm sorry, it feels like the wrong conclusion to reach
Perhaps. It's why I am scrutinizing.
>that I just can't stop myself thinking that slowing the switch into girlmoding can't actually do me much harm.
Again, this is not really concrete. Ever the cynic I gotta ask: what condition would even allow you to girlmode in these circumstances? Or rather, what aspects of it necessitate a slowdown that will disappear when you feel ready? Will they really?
(1/2)

>>40128580
>>40128638
(2/2)
>I can't defend it, I'm being selfish
I don't think it selfish, I don't think a single soul more or less there is gonna make much of a difference when compared to the 700-1000+ military installations the US has on foreign soil (depending on what the source is sweeping under the rug). I don't think ill of you for it in the slightest, and I'd rather see funds redirected to you than a missile.
That said, I have a warning to give completely unrelated to ethics or geopolitics: Remember that the only one having to live with regrets of not having tried something is you. Will you look back at the decision and regret never having given your other interests a fair chance because you thought you wouldn't have a shot anyway? I was monomaniacal in my career choices and dedicated over a decade to it. I don't regret it at all. However, in much the same way I am shooting for the stars presently, and allow myself to fail horribly, which is what it looks like at the moment. I do it because I would regret never having tried. That is my perspective, and it is something I suggest you mull over.

>>40131647
>fearing what could happen IF she knew
Oh no, she knows I love her. She has... expressed love for me, too. That's part of what hurts. The emotions are there, they're real. Its not a "what if", we love each other and Im gonna watch her get hurt.
I need to get to know her SO better, but they are just... so nonexistent.

Enough for tonight!
>>40129126
I'm happy for you, Anon! You really kicked into high gear there! Clawing oneself out of NEETdom is grueling, and I deeply respect that. Thank you so much for sharing, sharing our successes is important! But don't histate to talk about big gay messes as well. We need a bit of both or else we forget that fucking up and landing face down is part of the process.
>>40131795
Oh, got a story to share?
>>40132154
Oh goodness, I see. Hey, I don't know the SO and maybe he's just a selfish dick, maybe he is also just an absolute mess. Either way.. depression is, well. It east you from the inside out. If he seems like a zombie to you it might just be because all the life is sucked out of him. Of course, trying to help her through him is playing a painful game. But I know your type, you are gonna hold onto the bramble bush, so the least I can do is guide you into nurturing it enough to bear fruit, right?

Self improvement is a joke. I’m just going to kill myself.

>>40132210
I dont know much about them, sadly. Ive tried to be introduced before but I get kept at arm's length. She assures me her SO is an amazing person and that they're a great person who has supported her for a long time - and I believe her because, yknow... but i also know for a fact that theyre depressed literally like 2 was out of every month and when theyre depressed, they dont really interact with her AT ALL. And it kills me cuz she is the kind of person who needs attention and reassurance or her self esteem tanks hard (cuz, naturally, she is also trans)
And yer right, im not gonna let go. I prob wont go to deep here tho because I have friends who browse this board and if it spread in my friend group that Im having these thoughts it could be catastrophic... I may have already said too much. v_v

>>40106884
>want to congratulate you on how long you’ve gone without it sh anon
Thank you for the congratulations and sympathy

>>40121510
>What is your environment like, out to anyone?
I'm out to my friends but I feel disconnected even from them these days even when I manage to force myself to go out with them. I just feel like a horrible creature every time im outside in public

>page 10
I'm not dying for Israel and neither is this general

bump

>>40132218
see you tomorrow
>>40135588
based

I hate summer

>>40137311
It's ok nonny nuclear winter is coming uwu

>>40138236

>>40130235
British Army so no MOS's, most likely to get fired for DIY hrt desu (no offence to the Americans but i wouldn't touch your military with a barge pole currently).
But basically the officer debriefing me at the end of selection essentially said I was too smart for artillery and to go intel (I mean I qualify for any job in the Army aside the parachute regiment so) hopefully being a POG/REMF role even if they do find out I'm on HRT they just wont give enough of a shit (or I'll just hopefully excel enough to make myself non disposable).
>This needs an explanation
I'm too messy, non passing, not even close to passing really to girlmode, not that passing is a hard requirement for me but i'm never going to girlmode in my current job and the military offers a vastly different environment where they at least say you have to treat others with respect (CDRILS if anyone's curious). Not that I didnt hear "faggot" thrown around once by a wannabe RLC fuckwit (RLC = truck drivers).
>what condition would even allow you to girlmode in these circumstances?
I mean you can transition while in service, you just arent really allowed to while in training, once they're invested into you (by training you) they consider you too valuable to lose. So it would literally be just outing myself once I'm considered trained and in theory transitioning the same as normal from there.
>the only one having to live with regrets of not having tried something is you.
So funnily enough this is what pushed me to rep for a year with the Marines, it was something I'd been desperate to try as a kid/teen, and it was "if I don't know I'll always question" the thing is just no civilian job has made me think that way.
I sort of feel the same way about this, even if I get caught in training and booted for DIY HRT I'll at least know. But currently I feel like if I don't, I'm surrendering the chance to do something I'd potentially be really good at.

>>40130980
>the last time I bought one was to have a fresh copy of Zum Ewigen Frieden
Oh wow, Kant... Kant is hard... I read the Prolegomena a few years ago but I don't know if I could stomach 1000+ pages of that...
A fresh copy, that implies that you've reread that book a lot? What do you get out of it?
>statistically, most people are incompatible with most people
Yeah yeah, you gotta weed through the assholes and all that... but that causes me psychic damage so I stopped...
>we are currently having a perfectly fine conversation and even though you feel demotivated right now neither of us would run out of tism
You're nice, anon... But most people aren't like that, especially men, especially outside of /lgbt/ and IRL. On the internet, I can just close the tab when I feel like it. I am just hypersensitive. When someone is mean to me, when someone /looks/ at me the wrong way, I carry that around with me for... years, sometimes. Sometimes I also feel like I pick up on vibes that other people don't even notice, and I don't know if it's real or in my head.
Maybe it's like this for everyone, I wouldn't know. I don't really know how they do it then.
No, I've mostly given up on friendships. I'm doing pretty well on my own methinks... Why should I invite trouble into my life? I guess I am just risk-averse.

>Can you elaborate a bit?
I'm not sure. I've dabbled in so many things over the years, I feel like I've tried everything. There are... a handful of things that stuck. But none of them I could make a career out of, I don't think. And even if I could, that would just suck the joy out of it. I am just so tired of thinking about my life and my future... that's why I'm mostly focusing on my family right now. I'm in a fortunate position because I have time. I'm going to continue my studies through a distance program in October, just to have an alibi.

>>40132110
Oh my god I fucked up the tagging again, pain.
see >>40139649 (sorry, I'm bad at using image boards despite having used this site for like half a decade)
>you also said you regretted some of the ways you put things
I guess I was trying to talk myself out of this, convince myself I hated it, that it was impossible, and unfortunately, it's just not true.
Still very much
>I don't want to or choose to think like this, but I can't control it.
I hate that I enjoy getting aggressive, that it comes easily to me. I used to cry after I'd gotten in fights at school because I didn't want to be this way. I do all that I can to avoid showing it here (and associated spaces) because I don't want to be thought of that way.
>>40096304
I'm dumb and didn't see this before (again sorry).
I've got undercylate so I was going to monotherapy that at 60mg a month, i'm on pills currently (8mg a day / 12.5mg cypro but I'm increasing to 12mg to use it all up before i swap to injections).
>you don't need to be a doormat because you're fem.
It's not that, it's the aggression I'd hope estrogen might kill it but I think if anything it's more prevalent because now *the trans experience* is constantly in my mind I don't want to find myself angry with people who can't understand why i'm angry with them, it's not their fault they're that ignorant, but it's so so hard to keep in check (also whoo Westworld - more a Wyatt/Dolores fan tbqh I guess I feel I can relate too much).
>not things weapons can protect from
Oh, I already am decent with a rifle this isn't about that, the roles I'm looking at are about understanding and knowing (and therefore how to evade somewhat) state surveillance and observation. Not something I can train without seeing behind the curtain.

My thoughts at the moment can be best summarised as
"Head too noisy", you can see it in my writing, the errors, the lack of checking. I don't know if it's brainfog.
I'm worried I'll just spill all my traumas out on someone at any moment, I got drunk for the first time in like half a year last night (not like I was ever an alcoholic), and it's the only way I can engage socially with people but the come down from that was awful. My family think I'm a social drunk, i'm not, i'm a depressive drunk who forces extroversion as a disguise, I disguise most things about myself day to day, i lie without feeling, it's second nature at this point, the only place I think I truly speak my mind is here and discord, when I am presenting as myself in whatever limited form I have.
I lack integrity, I am cursed with aggression, my form is all wrong, and I'm wrecked by unwanted contradiction. I do not make sense, but I have to exist anyway.
I want someone to hurt me because my survival urges are too strong to cut myself; I probably deserve worse.
And i'm too fucking needy I'm so tired of doing this alone but I could never inflict myself on someone else.

>>40140395
> 8/12 mg
Goddess, girl, are you trying to get breast cancer? Or are your E levels that low to warrant 8 mg E?
E pills are pretty stable, they last usually a year. Hide them at your home pretty well.
Also, if anything, bump your cypro to 25 mg at least, 50 mg if possible. Androgen suppression with E monotherapy is a hon meme. The state of the art is orchi ASAP, until you can do an orchi, do CPA. (There was a bica religion here once.)

> POG
POG is the way to go if you want to hide within the army, but please, don't do intel if ou're afraid that you will get booted because of your transness. Intel, recce, cyber, and a lot of other REMF jobs need to maintain high clearances (S/TS) - grunts do not.

Getting yourself through the clearance process as a trans woman is (depending on how good military intelligence is in your country, UK is supposed to be pretty good) a surefire way of getting yourself out of the closet fast. So don't.

Look around - QUIETLY (in OSINT - recriutment brochures, websites, intranet if you have access) - what (you don't have MOSs, so whatever passes for a MOS there) of what does and doesn't need holding a clearance. If you just sit down with your (recruitment?) officer asking him what do you need a clearance for - that's a huge red flag.

> ... rep for a year with the Marines, it was something I'd been desperate to try as a kid/teen ...
You belong to the Force, Navy. So try to be smart about it. We'll be here to help. The last thing I want to see is gender dysphoria forcing you to abandon your childhood dream.

>>40140591
Navy, try to stay with me. Please stop for a moment. Breathe.
> Inhale to the count of four
> Hold to the count of four
> Exhale to the count of four
> Hold to the count of four
Repeat.

Maybe you can ground yourself some other way, this one helped me. When I'm doing it, I can hear my heartbeat.

Whatever hurt you is not with you now. Not in your present.
Stay in the present.
You're safe.

>>40140591
After you've grounded yourself...
In my experience, traumas come when your body feels it's safe to surface them, to process them. Other than that, you compartmentalize to save yourself and stay functional.
That, or you are either triggered or having a flashback.

Add dysphoria to it. In my experience, I was like that - I started drinking, and stopped caring about the fact that I was a hulking man. And started pole dancing with my girl friends cheering me on until the bouncer threw me out of the bar.

Dysphoria is an insidious thing. Especially since you can't be yourself. That you need to lie every second of every day.

But you're not dishonest. You do not lack integrity, and you don't contradict yourself. You're a survivor. You need to disguise yourself so that you will have a chance at life. So you will have a chance at your dream job.

You're stronger, than this, Navy. Stay in the present.

>>40140591
Please stay here. Don't do anything stupid. Don't incite/get into a fight. Don't get wasted. Dont sh or kys. If you do/did, that doesn't mean you're irredeemable.

>>40140591
Banish any thought that contains the word "I" from your mind and your problem will disappear.

Goodnight bump

>>40140591
I know how I want to die.
There's this beach out in Norfolk with dunes where I photographed seals last year, I guess the last time i felt like a free person, like I had control.
I want to die there, there's a little cutaway in one area that's used to get from the dunes to the beach, you can lie down in it and be hidden completely, with just enough breeze to make your face cold.
I want to go out there with the few possessions that are truly mine and curl up into a blanket, just listen to the waves crash and the wind brush against reeds as I finish a final meal, probably sushi of some kind, feel the sun warmed sand cool and hear the sound of gulls die down as the sun sets, I'll find a peaceful way to go, probably painkillers if I can, just slowly drift off with sea air on my skin and in my lungs, knowing the struggling is done. No more.
A blissful sleep that doesn't force me to return to push on again. With that which I cherish.

I tried so hard to beat my faulty programming and wrecked hardware but it's insurmountable, I'm not built for this anymore. For now I have to sleep, so I can return to hell and hide myself further, just so maybe I'll be free enough one day to stop it all.
I'm not sure how I'll say goodbye, so long and thanks for all the fish i guess. But I probably owe a better explanation, to at least try and avoid punctuating my end with a shitty joke. Or maybe that fits right. When the time comes, I think that's how I'll sign off, who knows, i dont see how this ends any other way.

I'm sorry for posting this here, I truly have nowhere else and i don't think I can just let it sit in my notes. I don't know why my emotions are so out of control but I guess this is what I wanted, to feel something. I guess finally being able to truly cry is some small victory. I probably sound like a stupid teenager call me a faggot or whatever i guess, but it's 1am I can't do better for words

Are you adequately hydrated?

>>40143427
Crying is good, Navy. Very good. It means you're safe enough to feel. That's not a small thing to say, not in your situation.

Now you believe that there's no way out. There might not be. True. But you didn't try everything.

There comes a point in the life of every trans girl where it boils down to gilrmode or sudoku.

You're at that point. For me, I overthought it so hard I couldn't go through with it (probably would have messed up still and survived). (I myself ruled pills out because it's very easy to survive a dosage that you may consider lethal - one of my friends went pills and booze, she survived. She had a good day's sleep, though.)

You have survived enough, Navy. There's always a next day. Even when you don't believe it, even if you think you'll be a hon or you actually would become a hon.

Never lose hope. No one, no oppressive sustem or transphobe deserves that you die for them.
And if you do, sweet dreams.

penis!

Pulled myself back from the edge, sorry if I worried anyone, I'm not used to trying to manage emotions while still feeling. I'll do better.
I still feel like shit about it all but i've got the ideation under control for now.
>>40140756
>Or are your E levels that low to warrant 8 mg E
I'll take pretty much any risk to make sure I'm getting feminising effects. I spent 6 months on 100-150mg Spiro / 2-4mg E in 2023/24, and I'm just not willing to titrate up. Cypro I keep at 12.5mg a day because hrtcafe recommends not going above that. I've spoken to people with good results from mono (EEn/Ev iirc) but none on undercylate. I'm going to get my bloodwork done at the end of the month anyway to figure it out, but no way to confirm if I can monotherapy in time for other stuff really
>a surefire way of getting yourself out of the closet fast
So, odd bit of personal lore but I know a guy who knows the guys who do all our clearance vetting, for the most part they care about essentially finances and if you've been talking to like the IRGC or FSB. I don't think they'd flag me buying HRT (even if it wasnt all done through crypto at least recently) and that info wouldn't get passed on anyway (they don't tell you why you don't get a clearance if you don't - or tell anyone else).
I guess my priority is just being able to stealth for the ~35ish weeks of phase 1 / phase 2 training, where my only real worry is the blood test you do in phase 1 (which would flag my hormone levels if they check them but they may not check them). The upside of monotherapy is all that would flag is low T / high E. My understanding though, is that test is 99% looking for recreational drugs and/or steroids (PEDs generally) but there are people on roids in the army who have evaded that test before.
My hardcope is that if I just explain my situation (should I get caught) that they might understand, which feels delusional as someone who has a deep distrust from others which is why I'm closeted in the first place.

>>40147657
Good to hear you're alive, Navy.

So, if for clearance, they're looking at your finances, you're in the clear. Unless they clearly and specifically look at your hormone levels, they won't notice you're on HRT, and if yes, they will only see low T/high E. The most you will get is a scolding to keep off steroids. (When too much T is in a cisM's body, he'll start converting the excess T to E (E is synthesized from T in the body. That's also why cisF's with PCOS tend to "produce T" - their ovaries can't go up the chain to synthesize E from T.). Steroids usually do that, that's why roid rats have gyno.)

> 12.5 mg cypro
What are your T levels?
Spiro is a diuretic. That's not good for T suppression. E monotherapy helps, but cypro (and bica) is your friend here. I might be old school, but back in my day (early '10s), we did 50-100 mg cypro (I personally had 50 mg cypro) for T suppression, and 4 mg E. Bloodwork - as always - is your friend. Whenever you go on a new regime, have it last at least a month, do your bloodwork, analyze, then see what to change. Unless you are acutely in pain.

Above 6 mg oral E equivalent, *when* you have breasts (of noticeable size) start checking them every day. Look for small, ball-like structures, like a ball of flour in a soft dough (like a pancake dough) you're making.

And that's where 35 weeks would be a problem.
How much leave (similar to civilian vacation days) and liberty (24-72 hour ready standby, when you can get off base, but you need to be within x klicks of the base and ready to go back on a moment's notice) you will have within that training? And how much of your liberty would be unsupervised? Because early on, in some militaries, you won't be able to go anywhere without your battle buddy, not even on liberty. In the UK, that system may be absent.

And also, 35 weeks is long enough for you to grow noticeable sized breasts. You might even *need* a bra by that point, especially since you'll be doing heavy exercise.

>>40147657
I should starve myself i'm too much of a fat fuck currently.
My fitness level is making me disconnect from the actual aesthetics. I woke up semi-fasted, and again, I can just at least slightly see a desirable body; it just disappears so easily.

8kg in 2 months seems possible enough,
7700kcal x 8kg / 60 days so about 1000kcal deficit a day. So i guess 1300kcal a day given i'm exercising still and in a refrigerator a lot should be about right. I just need to channel the self hatred enough to override my lack of discipline.

>>40147657
(cont.) How much is BCT of that? Because if you need to be naked before your comrades (ie. showering together) for more than 3 months (counted from start of continous HRT), it would be sketchy - your breasts would start budding at 3-6 months. I started in the winter, and needed a bra by summer.
Also, I don't know, probably it was me, but I felt early while on HRT I was lightheaded, and could easily faint when doing hard physical work. You might be different, though.

>>40147778
>What are your T levels?
That's what I'll be checking end of month mainly, if my suppression is good I'll probably stay with 12.5mg but if it's too high I'll double up. Ofc spiro absolute trash """"blocker"""" I dont use it anymore
>noticeable sized breasts. You might even *need* a bra by that point
I always had gyno but like I actually kinda do already, not just walking about, but running it helps a lot. I figure I'll just rely on compression layers and try and tough it out. I don't know.
Like funnily enough the nurse doing my medical a few days ago did ask if i'd had my chest checked for lumps (I mean assumptions of cisness but lmao it was hard to just not be like "yeah i'm on like a fuckload of estrogen girl it happens"). Idk maybe I should have just told them, but alas.
I'm hoping I'll get a day or half a day every 4 weeks or so, i'm renting my own place and afaik they dont limit you to staying on camp so my plan really was just use my days off to get my E done.
Phase 1 is the main concern, but it's only 13 weeks so i'd only need to do 2 shots or so to stay consistent. In phase 2, you get a lot more freedom.
>>40147801
I think i'm alright for like lightheadedness, it just never really became an issue for me.
Afaik BCT is basically the same as phase 1? so 13 weeks.
Already had to shower with guys at assessment centre, but I just sort of faced the wall and dealt with it. If anyone asks, my plan is just to blame gyno, mysterious hormone imbalance in puberty, whatever. The assumption of cisness is pervasive, and I'll exploit that as much as I have to.

>>40147925
> always had gyno
Girl, that's easy mode. So it would be smooth sailing for you because if you have gyno *noticeable enough for the nurse to offer you a breast exam*, AND your comrades just look away and are like 'meh, gyno', then nothing in 13 weeks can change enough to make them suspect you're trans.

The nurse was right - *DO* learn how to check yourself for lumps, and do it when you're on liberty at least.

> Phase 1:
If that's the phase when you learn basic formations, your place within the hierarchy, maneuvers, and riflemanship (and you're broken down and rebuilt to become a soldier) that's the one I'm referring to.

Does your gyno have an underlying cause? Is this your first time to have been on estrogen?

>>40147925
> I figure I'll just rely on compression layers and try and tough it out.
Don't do that to your breasts, unless given a choice. However you don't exactly have a choice.
In Phase 1, expect to wear nothing but your issued uniform/s, so no bras for you. If it becomes a problem, I would ask the nurse to have an examption and requisition bras for you - uniform bras are more like (should be like - I was just a civilian, I wasn't allowed in uniform, I didn't earn it) sports bras, which are your best bet when you're allowed off base. Sports bras help both conceal your breasts (a sports bra appears to be approx 1. cup down from your actual size in a non push-up bra) until you're comfortable showing them AND helps to keep them stable within an exercise which is what you want regardless of gender and presentation.

In an emergency, letting your breasts free is the worst case you can do, your performance will suffer, especially since you'll be under stress (anecdotal, but wearing *any* bra when running vs not wearing a bra makes for approx 1 minute of difference in my km), and you will be "detrimental to the morale of your comrades". So under the uniform, *loose* bandages will be the best.

>>40121883
>please give us an update after you saw your therapist, alright?
>are you one of the anons i frequently talk to?
Hi! It's me. I usually do a rambly vague blogpost when I'm upset and yes, I've been doing that on and off for a while lol, I'm semi-regular here.
I forget what I was on about before but yeah my therapist was sick this fortnight so nothing there : /
It's OK though. Therapy is good but it's also something I tend to fixate on a little bit - I'm always a little fixated on something, it seems. Usually it's on stuff inside my own head but I've been trying to make myself get out of the house more and finally it's working a little bit. So that was a fixation too for a few days, and then I realized, this is a good step but it's not sustainable to make that the only goal if I want to move forward. Just like counting on therapy & self analysis alone isn't actually a whole way forward. I'm not good at shifting gears it seems
>that is normal, you deserve emotional support
Yeah, I'm just trying to be aware of it kicking in if that makes sense : ) I'm not sure if it's a healthy feeling to have much of when there's noone around who does care about me
>external sanity checks
Being sane is hard yo : / idk if the people around me irl are even sane. Ty though I'll keep it in mind : ) usually the insane stuff my brain does is tricky to catch so it's like a longer term thing to work on
>plans
That's what I'm still struggling with right now x) I'm not sure if this is one of those areas where I'm completely cooked and I basically have to learn from scratch how to organize myself, or if I'm just missing some tools, or what. If you have some recommendations that've worked for autistic or adhd anons in the past I'd love to hear them, but I'm not sure what my actual problem is. I was hoping my therapist would be able to give me some ideas, but alas...
I used to cyclically force myself to do stuff then burn out hard, but then for a while I had no discipline at all, so

>>40148419
now I'm trying to focus on doing stuff that's uncomfortable but that I actually want to do. There are a few little things I like to do but most of the stuff I'm actually energized by is big stuff that's hard to break down. So I get stuck when I don't know how to plot my way there, which is most of the time. And the stuff I can think of that I want to do changes a lot and it's hard to keep track of.
So I'm not sure if there's something I'm missing but I think I'm literally just bad at mapping it out and putting it into practice? With a side of poor emotional self awareness and poor sense of time?
Some of my goals right now are;
Consistently go outside and/or socialise (like I mentioned, so far there's a pretty steep learning curve to building this habit to be energizing/sustainable - not *too* hard or too much planning)
Cut down on doomscrolling, other distracting bs and overthinking/thinking in circles (another really longterm skill to build in noticing when I'm thinking in an unhelpful way) (but basically I mean noticing everything that's a time/energy sink/way to disassociate)
Knock out various appointments/to-dos I've been neglecting (facial lasering, buying new shoes, license, autism/adhd assessment etc)
Voice train consistently and with high quality/level of focus (even if it's not for very long per day)
...but then if you asked me tomorrow I'd probably give you a slightly different list, and a lot of my day-to-day thinking and energy and priorities are bound up in more amorphous stuff that I don't really have a plan for: I want to be in my body & my feelings more (kind of hard to gauge progress with that), I want to be more in touch with & read & write & research about my interests, I want to be more creative, I want to write about & process & understand the running dialogue in my head. And often those things feel more important than the clearer goals I have, so I kind of get stuck on them and avoid prioritizing or managing my time properly at all

>>40121883
>I am busy with the threads
& pls don't feel obliged to a lengthy reply! It helps to get it out & I'm mainly just looking to *start* getting oriented w planning my life better rn. All I ever see is SMART goals and bujos & i don't know if I'm missing something
also fwiw i am doing a lot better these days & while idk if sig has helped directly it has served as a model in a lot of small ways, rly appreciate the effort you put in siganon

I will never improve my life and i will ruin it to the point where suicide is the only option and you can't stop me

>>40131743
>Take your time. If you want, you can namefag or whatever for the purposes of keeping track, but don't feel pressured to
I'll consider dropping a name at some point, for now I'll just keep popping in when I can.

>Well then, do you think it would be easy for you to ask me for specific permissions when the need arises or should I just try to infer like I did?
I think unless I state otherwise, maybe you can just infer like you have for now, you're on point very often.

>Sometimes asking for it can have its own set of inhibitions. You are, however, given a blanket permission to ask me for permissions, NO MATTER HOW SILLY OR REDUNDANT. A blanket permission
That's a giant relief, thank you.

I'll respond more when I have more time on my hands.

>>40148483
Just a quick reply:
SMART goals are what we use in the Corpo world to create a quarterly performance goal that is reportable and looks good on some manager's spreadsheet. While SMART is a pretty good tool if you have goals that produce tangible results (that's what the M is in SMART), I found that people who had hard things to survive (or was traumatized) might feel a bit overwhelmed by SMART. If it works for you, then fine, but if you are working through shit, you need to be a bit softer on yourself until you're out of the woods.

My close friend in college is getting married and wants me to go to his wedding. I plan to but inside I am in pain from being jealous and feeling like my life lacks meaning. A different friend I know online I talk to frequently has been in the same state of mind as me since we both are dealing with stagnation and isolation. Anyways I am kinda scared about how I will react IRL during ny friends wedding and I don't even know how to be prepared for something like that.

>>40056254 (OP)
had a disastrous therapy session a few days ago. everyone tells me that "therapy is supposed to be hard" which I understand but this really isn't working! I felt so miserable after my last session that I cut myself. it looked like several days worth of a relapse rather than just one afternoon. I became so dissociated. I vented about this to my friends and one of them offered to spend a day off together and just seeing that message made me feel so guilty that i cut myself again to deal with the guilt. I did accept it a day after it was sent though. we just took a walk outside and then got some ramen together. the people who scream "go outside" were right. there are people who care about you and want to help. I think I would've kept spiraling if it weren't for that. the therapy issue is still there. I feel panicked when she's in the same room as me. she says that she's the only therapist nearby that can actually help me and that I'm the reason why therapy is failing. she's been my therapist for 8 months now. thinking about her words makes me cry.

>>40056254 (OP)
does anyone here have experience with quitting smoking?
be it nicotine or weed?
I've been since before transitioning and finally got approval to start surgery process from insurance.
have to be *completely* smoke free several months.
are edibles & zyns a good start?

>>40149768
Why does she think she's the only therapist around that can help you? And why does she say that you are the reason the therapy is failing? What is making the therapy so emotionally difficult and destabilizing for you?

I'm sorry, that situation sounds really terrible to me.

updates tomorrow, needed a break today.

>>40152319
All good, take your time.

Bump
Cant do replies rn my brain is extremely foggy and I'm on shift.

>>40131299
>It might be worth to bump that up in your priority list, given circumstances.
maybe... I don't have health insurance, which makes it harder, and I don't even know where to look for a therapist. The only route that I know of that's viable for me is to wait til the semester starts, then I can see the on-campus student therapist. But that's assuming that I see an advisor in time... I'm shooting for going tomorrow. I hope I can bring myself to. I have a plan to kind of "bribe" myself, I'll know how effective it is by my next update.

>body doubling
I looked it up, and it would probably be pretty helpful for me, I've kind of unintentionally done it with things in the past. But I don't think it's something I could reasonably do. I've isolated myself too much and don't really have anyone that I'd be able to request something like that from.

yeah...

The suicidal ideation just keeps geting worse. I'm not progressing, i have no path forward left.
Im tired of being a burden i need to disappear

Bump(?)

why must we suffer. why do they all breed like vermin. it's disgusting. why can't we all agree to just not procreate and end the human race peacefully once and for all.

>>40157809
you're still here, double standards much

if life is sooooooooooo horrible just kill yourself ong

>>40158336
oh don't be silly anon.
>>40157809
Tell us what incited those feelings, it will be more satisfying.

>>40131743
>Most of the time it really is just slowly cutting ties with the unreasonable and trying to make friends that aren't. That will give you a sanity check
I see.

>"Is this crazy behavior or am I doing wrong?" "No they are the problem" "ok thanks" is a very healing conversation to have in your shoes, in my experience
I have a hard time believing my own perspective on things, I feel like I always make a mistake no matter what context I find myself in.
But I will make more of an effort to be sure of my decisions from now on.

>Even letting yourself be helped is giving something to people, a kind of relief to think about it this way, isn't it?
I suppose so.
I feel guilty about being such a financial, logistical and emotional burden to people.
I don't enjoy letting people down or failing to deliver, even if it's a stranger.

>>40131743
>Tell me more about your closest. Are they okay enough to be leaned on, you think?
We've communicated a lot lately and I find that our relationship is fairly stable.
They know a lot about me personally at this point, years even.

>Do you have to "be normal" around them?
Not necessarily, I try to for the sake of politeness but I do have moments where I am able to be more open about things in my life.

>>40158336
Suicide entails a non-negligible amount of suffering in itself, and there's a good chance that you'll just turn yourself into a cripple, which will make your life worse again.
There is no trade-off to simply not procreating. It is an effortless way of preventing all future suffering and solving every problem before it arises.
Until then, we can make the best of the lives that were forced upon us.
Last (You)

>>40158623
>Tell us what incited those feelings
Stubbed my toe after getting up

>>40159463
literal virgin

>>40151872

No experience myself, but I've known a few people who had success with patches.

They have a tiered dose system and you can move at your own pace if you want to.

Look to see if your insurance covers them btw. A lot of people buy over the counter which is pricy, but you can get them prescribed and potentially get them cheap or free.

Be mindful not to sleep with them. I'm not 100% sure what best practice is, but they can cause crazy dreams which are very unpleasant for many. Alternatively, some people use them as a dream aid, but that's a whole separate discussion. Look into how other people handle over nights.

Good luck!

I would be so much less sticky with a nudist workplace policy in place.

i wish schizophrenia wasn't real

Spent the entirety of yesterday doing my online history coursework. Woke up early this morning trying to get my AI coursework done. I think I need to make my breakfasts a little less large, because I get incredibly tired after that. I just slept an hour. With this unsuccessful start to the day I don't feel like trying today. Tomorrow I will try again. Everyday is a battle. Am I going to feel unmotivated today? Am I going to just shutdown and scroll? Are terrible thoughts going to cannibalize my self-worth? Is the loneliness, regret, and shame going to become to much to bear today?
About two weeks ago I decided I was going to give up video games for a while, unless it's a weekend and friends asks me to play--I have to maintain what relationships I do have. Its intended effect was to get me outside more and exercise, but also afford me some time with hobbies. It has been successful in that regard. The boredom sort of forces me into action. I still scroll on my phone. I will see if I can kick that habit by introducing a more structured morning routine and exercise regiment.
It still takes me hours to get ready to go somewhere. I have to shower and it becomes a whole process, for whatever reason my mind doesn't want to shower, but also hates being dirty. They don't have to be 1-2 hour processes where I lose time, they can be shorter 5-10 minute endeavors, I just have to commit. I guess the other thing I hate is the way wet hair feels. The issue is that blow drying my hair dries it out quite a bit, and I've recently gotten in the habit of letting it dry naturally.

not doing great, not doing bad, just survivin'. How is everyone else?

Hi, another blogpost
I keep realizing I'm more delusional than I thought. I'm going outside & realizing everything so much of what I thought and worried about was in my head & had nothing to do with real life, with people walking around. I knew that intellectually but I still hid from it.
I'm changing but I don't know how. Before I felt like I was dead, now I feel like a kid, I don't know if it's good. I don't know if it's autism or a personality disorder or if I'm just normal or what.
Everything matters too much to me and i can't just let go of all the little moments. I don't feel like I exist if I don't ruminate on & try to create meaning from every little moment
At this point i have no concept of how to develop as a person, no idea where I am right now. I feel like a confused child. I know other ppl have complex lives but none of that ever gets mirrored back to me so I just feel like *im* insane and everyone else just accepts being what they naturally are. Idk how anyone ever works things out. Such a dishonest & variously brainwashed world. but I also feel like most people have richer lives than me. Like they just 'know' & don't have to make things so overwhelmingly literal
I'm bleeding away my limited moments, maybe trying to hold on to too much
I guess I'm scared my life is over & ill never get a chance to be who I need to be. Branded a coward forever. It feels like I have to fight the world and fight reality but I don't know what my 'enemy' is. I don't trust obvious social reality, for so many reasons but also because it feels like it wants me conveniently shut down and dead. I probably have way more delusion to work through. But it's not like that's a steady sober process either
Anyway I'm going to keep trying but I feel regarded and this life doesn't feel real

>>40148579
Thanks. I think I'm having trouble with the fact that SMART goals are explicitly about making easy to communicate and measure goals. And that's probably something I should work on but it's realistically like 30% of what I struggle with organizing, tops. So it's discouraging that *all* the advice is 'just use smart goals!' And it seems to get exponentially more complicated or inaccessible if that doesn't work for you. Like yeah if your goals are to train for a marathon, lose 30 pounds, increase your productivity and log 2000 hours in your hobby of choice, have fun, psycho.
But Ty yea I am finding traditional goals overwhelming. Life is just too complicated and full of obstacles imo. Ill take any corpo-coded stuff with a large grain of salt

I just don't love anything. I think I may be incapable of love. I never considered that some people do the things they do because they actually /love/ doing them. That they would do them without anyone seeing or caring or paying them for it.
Like, I literally cannot grasp this. I have tried my hand at pretty much everything but /nothing/ gave me joy, much less a feeling of love.

Why am i trying to transition
wait
I am not a woman
I am not a girl
I am not really like that
I am just
copy pasting
what
wait
this is all fake
all of it
I need to become normal
the real me is the one angry dude at 5pm after work trying to go home and not giving a fug
not this girl i made up
Why am I stuck on hrt? cause I wanted to believe it is good for me?
why even wanna present female? Cause I wanted to believe i liked it?
WTF
I am done
I am free
good day

nvm
ill just think it again
ha

Cooking loads of long posts so I will scramble the order..
>>40132218
What's up, Anon?
Several anons that came her regularly said things along those lines but I assume you're new here?
>>40132315
>Ive tried to be introduced before but I get kept at arm's length.
You might get through by explaining that self isolation and making excuses not to socialize are typical in such a situation and need to be worked against, so a gentle push of your friend would help her SO. It is a socially tricky thing to navigate though.
>I may have already said too much. v_v
You know you can contact me if you need to discuss matters off the record, right?
There is also a way to post in already archived threads on archived.moe iirc, ghost posts that can only be found if you hop into that particular archive of that particular thread. I never did that but if need be that would be the discord free option.
>>40133039
Do you sometimes spend quality time with them at home? Do you sometimes talk to them about your feelings and experiences, or listen to theirs and see if you can relate abstractly? Also, it is good you are out to them, wonderful even. Do you have plans to girlmode, medium term?
>>40145488
Definitely drinking way more than I used to at least! I would say I am getting there.

Oh no the flag!
>>40139649
>>40140395
>>40140591
>>40143427
Ahh, British Army, what a relief.
>I feel like if I don't, I'm surrendering the chance to do something I'd potentially be really good at.
Okay, that is important to know. You know... you made a convincing case. I think you can forgive me having challenged it to the extent I have but, with that perspective, I do think I can in good conscience agree you thought it through.
>sorry, I'm bad at using image boards despite having used this site for like half a decade
Oh I mess up much worse than that on the reg do not worry your cute head.
>I hate that I enjoy getting aggressive, that it comes easily to me.
I see, so you also can use an outlet for it, generally. That is crucial context actually.
>it's the only way I can engage socially with people
That is an aspect of you I never knew of!
>I disguise most things about myself day to day
That is borderline universal among my trans friends who aren't fully out. I can promise you it gets easier the more of yourself you can let out. I am glad I can provide a space of self expression for you in the interim.
>I could never inflict myself on someone else.
You need to. You are doing amazing opening up the way you do right now, for example. You need comfort, you need acceptance, you need love. I don't know if I spelled it out before. But you are very clearly love starved. I don't mean in need of a romantic partner, not necessarily. I mean a shoulder to cry on. An anchor. A ground to stand on. And in turn someone to nurture and hold when they falter in turn. And rest. So much rest. You did great letting it out. Quit bottling up. You are in good company.
>I guess finally being able to truly cry is some small victory.
Yes. And no need for shame. This place has no use for holding back. I am very proud of you.
>>40145921
Hey Anon. I hope you know your effort i seen.

>>40140128
>Oh wow, Kant... Kant is hard...
He is a fucking *mess* to read. ZuEwFr is a strange book because a lot of pages are split horizontally: half the page is the text, the other half is (I shit you not) the footnote. Sometimes the footnote continues on the bottom margin of the next page. It is absurd. But it is about 100 pages I believe.
>A fresh copy, that implies that you've reread that book a lot?
We read it at my Gymnasium, I was quite fond of it at the time but Reclam books in a backpack get scuffed to hell and back.
>What do you get out of it?
I liked his musings on the notion of states-of-states as a model for international relationships. It is a shame Kant was not around when mathematics obtained its modern notation, quantifiers and algebraic notation would have made his word vomit much more concise.
>Yeah yeah, you gotta weed through the assholes and all that... but that causes me psychic damage so I stopped...
Hey, I get that, on some level. I was a complete recluse for my entire teenage and some of my early 20s. I loosened up at uni cause I was suddenly around people who were intelligent, passionate, and sufficiently autistic.
>You're nice, anon... But most people aren't like that, especially men, especially outside of /lgbt/ and IRL.
It is hard, Tim. I know, and I know I am a bit fembrained for a moid and that people like me are not exactly ubiquitous. I've asked before at the kinda people you met at your unis, right? My memory is a little hazy from the past few weeks.
>On the internet, I can just close the tab when I feel like it.
>I am just hypersensitive.
What you need in those cases, truly, is someone who is willing to explain himself. Someone you can just ask if they are mad at you, or judge you, or if you are a burden, and they say no as often as it takes to feel even remotely true.
(1/2)

>>40140128
(2/2)
>I don't really know how they do it then.
I have a ton of intrusive thoughts and anxieties which I can only combat through letting myself be reassured, yeah.
>I'm doing pretty well on my own methinks... Why should I invite trouble into my life?
Other people are both motivator and emotional counter balance. Yes there is stress involved but, trust me, the deal you are currently envisioning is the kind of thing that people can do in their 20s, and it is a really fucking sweet deal initially. But the misery lingers, and it festers. It's fundamentally unsustainable sadly.
>I am just so tired of thinking about my life and my future... that's why I'm mostly focusing on my family right now.
Hey, I can relate on that front. But it also means that we might be more alike in that regard even. I am not as much a career person as I thought I was. That is a very people person thing to say. You have many interests, typical for people with a varied set of talents and a curious mind. You know what makes subjects exciting to me, often? Someone else's passion. If someone tells you of something with that sparkle in their eyes. You just wanna be part of it even if it's not your subject. Oh and if it is, It's a special treat.
>>40141281
You intrigue me, Anon.
>>40147783
>8kg in 2 months seems possible enough,
Please, for the sake of sustainability long term, consider stretching that to 4 months. One, it will make the process easier and two it means you hardly have to change your diet once you reached your target weight.
>>40148503
What led you to this conclusion? Have we talked before, Anon?
>>40148573
Okay, I will do my best to infer.
Take all the time you need, Anon. I am not going anywhere. I'm happy my mode of conversation seems to be good for you!

.... I didn't manage many posts today, I have about 12-14 replies more in the works but I gotta call it a night. Frustrating but I got home from work late and needed breaks. Well. I catch up eventually. There are some posts I replied to out of order, I didn't overlook anyone. But.. it's gotta wait for now. Goodnight.

Very tired on night shift apologies for well, whatever I miss (spelling, posts etc)
>>40148025
Yea Ph1 is basically just that, Ph2 for uh well intel is all a bit secret and I've got next to no info.
I think some of the gyno was just being overweight as a kid but i dosed 2-4mg E / 100-150 spiro for 6 months or so back in late 2023 / early 24
>>40148225
>ask the nurse to have an examption
Debating it, but ofc i worry about that outing me. That said I've already had womens pt kit off the army (they had no normal mens sizes and that gave me the worlds most convenient excuse lol)
>letting your breasts free is the worst case you can do
Had to run a bleep test on assessment centre and i basically hiked up a compression shirt to improv a bra (didnt work great but ran a 10.2 so well above what I needed). Need to make a note of bandages that's probably an easy out cause i can always say it's to avoid chafing. I'm sort of trusting I'm fit enough to push through any loss in performance but desu chafing is my biggest issue anyway.
>>40145921
Sorry, meant to come back and say this helped (4chan thinks it's spam if i tag all), I haven't done being vulnerable or emotional a lot or at all openly and I don't know how to handle empathy.
>>40164632
Feeling the pressure to have everything sorted asap and it's just, ive forced it before, idk it's probably not attainable while working my shifts so I'll end up nearer 1600-1800kcal anyway. Im substituting in cardio.
>>40163386
Sorry for throwing a slur about - i try and be better than that, I have no excuses.
>challenged it to the extent
I want it challenged honestly, it's still not something I fully grasp and I was trying to at least see if i could talk myself out of it. Alas.
>So much rest. You did great letting it out. Quit bottling up.
Thank you. Genuinely. I have more I want to say relating to all this (I've read everything) but my brain is buzzing from sleep deprivation on shift and I'm struggling to put thoughts in order.

>>40164729
Also pls dont be frustrated, i think I've been a lot of the load here im afraid. I think you do a lot more than you realise.
>>40161273
I would freeze I think.

I just dont want to live. It was a nice detour for a few weeks but think its time now

Not sure why I felt I needed to write that here though. Maybe just to say that I was alive and have closure

I dont even really want to post this because it just seems like trying to get attention. But I am probably going to kill myself soonish. It was a nice extra couple weeks. ty

I'm sorry sig, I been busy looking for a job. I try to dm you but I think it gitch out or something.I didn't mean to worry you. Sorry, sig. I hope everything is going great with you. Did you finish the project you talked about? I have a good lead with the job search. I'm doing good otherwise.
>>40166495
>sleep deprivation on shift and I'm struggling to put thoughts in order
Take your time navy, I think we are all happy just to hear from you again. I don't mind vulnerable Navy, It makes you more relatable. You're pretty intimidating but in cool girl way. Please relax untill you're ready.
>>40162773
>I just don't love anything
Well I'm glad you like yang. In fact thats a very yang thing to be indifferent to about things. Its best to not rush in to love with anything. It has bit me in the ass ALOT. Anyways thanks yang

>>40130988
>Absolutely. This is something that with my first and secondhand experience I can sign off with ironclad certainty
You have some experience when it comes to psychological stuff, right?

>...this is going to be a bit of a rough one. I don't know how this will affect you but I have never seen this received well. Please, make yourself comfortable, take a breath. I'm not joking, please.. take 5. Breathe. Have some water. Ok? Ok. I'll be frank
I'm as comfortable as I can be given my current situation.

>What you are experiencing is a common sign of abuse, or at the very least trauma
I think trauma is applicable, I know I have some hangups that I can't shake.

Abuse is harder for me to accept, considering it makes me feel a little ashamed.
I feel like I made things harder for myself by being...the way I am.
I don't know what to do about this though. I'll I want is to be as independent as possible, then maybe I'll be in the clear.

Sorry if I'm rambling.

>>40168553
please don't

>>40074518
The antichrist, huh? You give me far too much credit, ma'am! I'm just a silly girl recovering from being an unperson and trying to learn to be human for maybe the first time in her life.
I do hope you and your silly little plant thread are doing well, FWIW. I miss it all - having to leave for good ripped my heart out. So if you want any solace for the shitty way I treated you, you can at least take it in knowing that I lost one of the only things that was keeping me from losing my mind. It hasn't been too great. Maybe you'll see my farewell letter to tje world someday soon and can know there's one less evil bastard out there. Or maybe not! Im notoriously tough! Still batting around whether tripping my life insurance before I lose my job in Nov is worth~
Inb4 idc. Yea, I know. But whatever. Im too tired, emotionally and spiritually, to care anymore.

if you see me please sake my hand

>>40168553
Please take care anon. I know you’ve been struggling for a long time now, and I (still) can’t come up with anything to say that makes things better. I hope you don’t go through with it and find something to live for, but… I can’t in good conscience say that I’m certain thats what would happen if you stay alive. I’d wish I was better at this but please be as kind to yourself as possible, if possible. There is no shame in needing attention when we are suffering alone.

>>40166495
I skimmed through some of what’s been happening and I’m glad you’re still here. Please go gentle on yourself, Navy, and take care.

>>40162335
Best of luck with the phone habits. If your hair is to the longer side you can squeeze some of the water out of it when you’re done showering and separate it into tufts with hair clips to speed up the drying process a little. Alternatively if you blow dry it using the cold air settings and use some regular essences and tonics meant for skin on your scalp it wont dry out as much afterwards.

Today I finally got my lab results back, but it’s been so long that I have to go back down for another round of tests… among other things Im coughing up slime again and losing my voice. Everything inside of me is starting to feel rusty or bloated all over again.
being left to deteriorate like that is… maddening.
yesterday something interesting happened though: a medical research team reach out to me inviting me to participate in their new study targeting repeat infections.
I’m not sure if they’ll let me do it when they see the rest of my papers, but I’m going to contact them and ask. Even if I end up getting placebo it’s going to give me access to a team of specialists who will be running tests on me each month, so that alone is enough for me to be willing to sign up for it.
Time will tell I suppose. For now, I guess I’ll try not to cry during dinner

I think I may have a mild form of dopamine addiction.

Spiking my system with coffee and sugar doesn't help.

Alright, today I plan to catch up. I got 3 posts prepared in advance and am gonna send them off for dopamine
>>40148419
>>40148426
>>40148483
>I'm semi-regular here.
Oh nice! Sorry to hear your therapist was sick though. Hope you get a new appointment soon.
>I'm not good at shifting gears it seems
It is already great you have that awareness, it is interesting though that you have a very pronounced inertia in a way. You know, oil tanker controls; once you direction is set you have an easy time nudging but you aren't built for sharp turns. One thing that helps me switch gears at times is forcing myself to take breaks.
>when there's noone around who does care about me
It is really difficult, absolutely. You are clearly trying to make friends and find people to lean on now, from what I gather.
>Being sane is hard yo :/
It really really is, even for me. I think for everyone.
>If you have some recommendations that've worked for autistic or adhd anons in the past
The first immediately useful thing I can
Addressing one thing that might be a useful addition to the usual I always mention since (as you said) I tend to frequently suggest SMART: Here is a video on an alternative approach for people with ADHD: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7a2eCrWD-Y
You might wanna dig through that channel and a couple others in the resources for advice how to juggle these things in a way that takes neurodivergence into account. A general piece of advice that might help you though, even if it is abstract, is to tie planning to a time and a place.
It sounds like the big, open ended things that energize you are artistic/rooted in self expression, which is what makes it so diffuse. At the same time it at the very least helps you decompress, so maybe you could use art time as a treat?
>rly appreciate the effort you put in siganon
Thank you Anon.. I'm happy to.
>>40154983
sup, Anon?
>>40168553
Are you the same one as the one above?

>>40148779
>we both are dealing with stagnation and isolation.
Chances are it might also be part of why you feel like your life lacks meaning, makes sense. It sounds like you could really use people to lean on first and foremost. Does your friend know? The one that is about to marry I mean.
>Anyways I am kinda scared about how I will react IRL during ny friends wedding and I don't even know how to be prepared for something like that.
Hm. The main issue is that the things that come to mind are slow. One thing, perhaps, is to give you something to focus on during the event that you perceive as something to your own benefit, so to say. For example, you might wanna try to get to know other attendees, make new acquaintances. This would turn something that feels like watching someone eat while you're starving into something a bit more akin to an opportunity.
>>40151872
As far as I know, at least with nic, patches and the like seem to help. There are other things you wanna work on that sound simpler than they are.
The habitual part (keeping hands busy, finding things to do) and the effects that feel like they are smoking related but aren't: going outside and controlled breathing exercises are good for you, for example, and decoupling them from smoking will help.
>>40152792
Thank you, Anon!
>>40155310
What are your circumstances, Anon? Or are you one of the peeps I talked to above? What makes you think you are a burden?

>>40149768
>had a disastrous therapy session a few days ago.
I'm sorry to hear, Anon. I would like to hear more about this cause:
>this really isn't working!
>I'm the reason why therapy is failing. she's been my therapist for 8 months now.
This... is not a normal thing to say, I think. This is a bit alarming. Look up reviews of that therapist online, if there are any. This is exceptionally sus.
If a therapist causes you to break down (though I would like to know more about the circumstances if you can bear it), then that is not something they should blame you for!
>I think I would've kept spiraling if it weren't for that.
Yes, self isolation is actually surprisingly dangerous. I am glad you pushed the guilt aside. One recommendation I want to make for you, to hopefully alleviate the guilt: People need to be needed, too. It is important to remember. Letting someone be there for you also makes them feel like they give you something. Everyone likes to give and feels selfish to take, but nobody can give anything without the other accepting to take.
>>40154915
I hope it worked out, please don't beat yourself up no matter how it goes.
>I'm shooting for going tomorrow. I hope I can bring myself to. I have a plan to kind of "bribe" myself, I'll know how effective it is by my next update.
>I've isolated myself too much and don't really have anyone that I'd be able to request something like that from.
I think you might be underestimating what people are willing to do for acquaintances. We urgently need to have you in contact with people, then. Jog my memory real quick, do you have any peers you could contact?
Alternatively, what is your time zone? You might have someone on the unofficial sig server you could ask in a pinch, for body doubling specifically at least.
>>40161433
Ah, struggling with it I take it. It must really suck. What are your experiences like?

>>40159296
>>40159306
That is why I suggest leaning a bit on others and sharing your thoughts. It helps even if the person isn't necessarily saying much, in that case it is usually called rubber ducking.
>We've communicated a lot lately and I find that our relationship is fairly stable.
>They know a lot about me personally at this point, years even.
That is very good already! I understand don't wanna be a burden but I do think talking to them about your feelings and leaning a little will make the whole ordeal more bearable. You even already do open up around them.. it sounds like all the groundwork is there.
>>40162335
>I just slept an hour.
Do you generally have sleep sched issues?
>Tomorrow I will try again. Everyday is a battle.
it is. And sometimes we are prone to all or nothing thinking when a day starts like crap.
>Is the loneliness, regret, and shame going to become to much to bear today?
You are making amazing progress in the face of that. I want to tell you that. Admirably so, the amount of effort you put in.
>not doing great, not doing bad, just survivin'. How is everyone else?
I'm doing alright myself, I mostly processes my mom's death and now I am just slowly trying to get back into my daily routine. Gonna meet up with loved ones this July. Also had some water just now.
>>40163148
>>40163176
It's okay Anon, I am glad you got it out of your system. We can talk about emotional aspects of it all if it helps.

>>40162599
>I'm changing but I don't know how. Before I felt like I was dead, now I feel like a kid, I don't know if it's good.
You are growing, (re)discovering yourself. Transition itself I describe as a kinda puberty, it is what a lot of what you peeps go through looks like for an outsider. It is always so beautiful to see people's lives fill with color and unfamiliar needs, wants and emotions.
>Idk how anyone ever works things out.
You're growing into it. And even when people look at you, thinking YOU are the one who has shit figured out, you will still feel like an adolescent on some level. And it will be okay. Often things will get less overwhelming even if they don't seem clear. It sounds like you are doing wonderfully. Confusion is an emotional state that often accompanies mental development in my experience.
>>40162773
>That they would do them without anyone seeing or caring or paying them for it.
Is there something that you find stimulating? Were there subjects that caught your interest? Or perhaps things and concepts don't pull you in, what about people?
>>40166495
>>40166495
>>40166529
>I'll end up nearer 1600-1800kcal anyway. Im substituting in cardio.
Perfect.
>Sorry for throwing a slur about
Girlie I am slur immune, I don't mind.
>I want it challenged honestly
I'm glad I could contribute to it then! I wish you nothing but the best you know?
>Thank you. Genuinely. I have more I want to say relating to all thi
Take all the time that you need, Navy.
>I think you do a lot more than you realise.
Thank you, Navy.. I tend to be too eager, I guess my monomaniacal drive needs to be reeled in at times to remain productive. Thank you for that.
>I would freeze I think.
I envy that. I am tired of >30°C weather.

I did it. I think I didn't miss anyone. I'll have to double check sometime but for now I need a break.
>>40168921
No prob Z, I am sure we can fix the hiccup in time. Happy to see you around. And I wish you all the best for your job search!
>Sorry, sig. I hope everything is going great with you.
Things are alright! Had a bit of a tough time (mom passed) but things are looking up again.
>Did you finish the project you talked about?
Things are going alright, trying to remember.. what was the last project we talked about?
>>40169436
>You have some experience when it comes to psychological stuff, right?
Yes although I have no formal training. So it is always good to fact check me or get a second opinion.
>Abuse is harder for me to accept, considering it makes me feel a little ashamed.
That is normal, and honestly the best kind of reaction that was realistic. Self blame, shame, these are normal reactions. Because we crave agency. And.. ourselves we can change. So we are biased in that direction when facing suffering for reasons outside of ourselves.
>I'll I want is to be as independent as possible, then maybe I'll be in the clear.
I think so too. And I am thankful for your rambles, it is exactly what I would have wanted you to do (express your thoughts and feelings).
>>40170903
I would, Anon. Gladly.
>>40171989
God I hate those quacks..
>yesterday something interesting happened though: a medical research team reach out to me inviting me to participate in their new study targeting repeat infections.
That is.. promising? I hope? God I just really want nothing but the best for you, Shinji. Hope you will know more soon..
>>40172101
>I think I may have a mild form of dopamine addiction.
Interesting, what brought this thought on?

>>40173786
>That is.. promising? I hope? God I just really want nothing but the best for you, Shinji. Hope you will know more soon..
Thank you, I hope so, and have a nice break.
Felt like I averted some sort of anxiety or panic attack just now, which I havent had in ages.

>>40173546
>It's okay Anon, I am glad you got it out of your system. We can talk about emotional aspects of it all if it helps.
processing
processing the process
processing
ill be back
but
no good rn
hmm
i need more proof i am ok
sorry i dont have anything else
im calm
thats an issue too or maybe tha\ts ok

Bump. Sleep tight

bump

Actually productive question uhh, does anyone have resources for looking into FFS? I'm like 2 years minimum out from it being viable but I should probably learn my stuff now.
I am maybe semi coherent (4:30am, not my choice to be awake still, or my bodies tbqh)
>>40168921
>You're pretty intimidating
Huh, I kinda hope not to be depending on where that comes from, I think maybe the person I was could be, I suppose they're difficult to lose. Idk I guess I still dip into that sometimes, not always on purpose, still a lot of mental rewiring to do.
You should see how messy I get when rambling about something I care about irl :P
>>40171766
>Please go gentle on yourself
o/ i try but very much not my nature currently, well and my brain tries to eat me a lot especially when deprived of rest and overstrained or undertasked (and I've managed to cultivate all 3 the last few weeks).
>>40173679
Okay I tried thinking, brain not working so good, been run too hard the last two weeks and I can't tune it out. I need to like not post until I've had downtime but ehjeidud
>But you are very clearly love starved
It's like I agree but I'm of the view im hopeless to change it currently. Everyone immediately around me doesnt know I'm trans so any comfort I get is absorbed by this other person I have to be.
And i sort of can't change it just because like who I am is just fundamentally so unbelievably far off the edge of my irls view of me (i think i ramblewhine about it a lot in vaguer terms).
I keep finding new reasons as to what set me off anyway, medical exam, fucking shared showers, having to engage targeted aggression, night shifts, the general challenge of trying to do all this while being on DIY etc
>I envy that. I am tired of >30°C weather.
I work in a refrigerator lmao. I miss working outside a lot. Well and normal hours (the physical and mental damage of not getting enough sleep, enough time to process etc is getting to me now).

Okay was gonna do more replies but work calls and god I'm tired. Maybe another time .-.
>>40171989
+1 for hopefully positive that you'll possibly have access to some experts. Seems like a bit of a brute of a situation.

>>40130988
>Almost nobody will ever accept these labels initially. Chances are your mind is looking for a way out to tear these labels off as we speak. It's okay. You don't have to agree. You don't have explain how what you have been through shouldn't count as either. I will just give you my general (layperson) understanding of the psychology of it
I appreciate some education on this stuff is meant to affect me.

>Self blame is one of several reactions that are with us on a neurological level. Things like learned helplessness are so simple to induce we can trigger them in animals via simple, controlled lab experiments. When exposed to random punishments the vertebrate concludes, eventually, that the only commonality between the instances of suffering is themselves
That does seem to explain how my mind constantly correlates myself to the bad situations I always seem to find myself in.

work bump like some sort of criminal

>>40130988
>When exposed to random impulses our brains still look for patterns. But garbage in, garbage out, and we end up internalizing rules and conclude things that have no actual grounding in reality
I think I follow the logic.
My main issue is that I can't seem to acquire any ground in reality, so I retreat into my own head and make up conditions for safety.

>And since we all share the same base hardware, the conclusions we draw from noise are very similar between individuals
Makes sense.

>>40130988
>Among other things you need emotional grounding and stress relief. Urgently.
Emotional grounding -> Talking to my family and friends.
Stress relief -> Overloading myself with dopamine via self-indulgence.
Getting more sleep is obviously more healthy but my mind won't let me rest for some reason.
I'll try to put the phone down more often at least.

>That can take on many forms, some can be bought with money, some are simple rituals that shouldn't rationally make a difference but do because, internally, we all run on small critter hardware
I need to make money, somehow and soon.
I can't keep depending on people like this, any good standing or good karma I had is being eroded by me being dysfunctional.
Jesus, I should NOT have been made, such a bad idea.

>The limbic system does not care for arguments, it cares for comfort
Does it dictate hormones, or sleep cycles?

>Wanna discuss specifics?
Yes please, the more information the better.
I need to become better, faster.

>>40131033
>You are not a burden. I will tell you that as often as you need to hear it. There are many things that you are: a human being with issues wanting to be relied upon and struggling to accept relying in turn, like many of us
Relationships, new or old seem too complex and taxing for me to handle, emotionally and mentally.
Not that I have much choice in or against it.

At least if I was loaded with cash I could remove expenses and hangups for us, that'd be good compensation for all my troubles with studies and my tiring lifestyle.
It's all I can ask for.

>But only doing the latter can encourage the former. So you're doing great
I'll take your word for it.
I still feel like a burden but I'm trying to put it aside so I don't weight anyone else down any more.

>>40131299
>Everyone does, about most things. I have made it my self-imposed general rule to reply to as many people as I productively can for example. And yet I often wish I could do more for each of you individually. Does that sound insane? Yes. Cause it kinda is. But that is not a quirk of me personally, that is just default human behavior, and your self expectations are no less silly than mine!
I think I understand.

>A listening ear is so damn important. I'm glad to do what little I can
Thank you.

Day one of ghosting everyone from my old life
Any tips on returning to base? Religion? Maybe…i can be the prodigal son returning home and becoming the family man I was meant to be.
I’m ready to accept who I am. God bless

>>40056254 (OP)
Does anyone have advice on how to eat more and work out regularly?
I weight 59kg at 173cm and I really want to get to 64kg in hopes of getting bigger hips, ass and breasts

bump

>>40183002
Mass gainer/protein bars, like unfortunately there's not especially a way around it. A protein bar is about 200kcal if you can down 1 a meal and then 1 after workong out that's like 800kcal extra which if you're eating at maintenance should bump up your weight. I haven't used mass gainer a lot but obvs more calories = more mass
Working out regularly is just a discipline thing unfortunately, at least if you can't convince yourself to enjoy it.
The upside is extra bodyfat is probably conducive to your goal so not burning the calories working out isnt he end of the world.
Although really, RDLs, split squats, abductors and maybe a bit of incline treadmill / stairmaster / bike etc is a simple enough 45-60min routine (i just spam situps as a warmup on leg days).

bump

heckin bumperino

Any bigger girls have clothes recommendations for someone with a sparse fem wardrobe? I tend to wear lots of black and baggy stuff, and I have a decent idea of what works on my body, I think. I just need more of it!

>>40187326
When you say "bigger girls" do you mean tall or overweight? I have advice for both, but I want to make a distinction before I go typing out a whole buncha words and potentially getting your meaning wrong.

>>40187359
I'm 5'10'', so on the taller end probably, but I meant big weight-wise. I know looser hanging fabric sits nicer on my body n tummy. I'm also trying to find stuff I can wear into my semi-casual office job, but not exclusively!

>>40187404
Oh you and me are the same height, so this is right up my alley then!
Now, with making a wardrobe as someone bigger weight wise, as long as you know your basics in terms of what colors and styles work with you, you're fairly set. If you don't want to draw attention to your size, don't go for horizontal stripes, especially thin but visible ones. Vertical stripes are considered slimming on most.
If you have a mall near you, I recommend checking clothing stores like Macy's or JcPenny's, especially their clearance section, they usually have a fair amount of plus sized women's stuff there since not a big market for larger 5'10" women in most places. Its where I got a bunch of my semi-casual clothes, I was able to get a dedicated interview outfit (white blouse, pink skirt, sensible blazer) for like 40 bucks because of it.
Check places like Torrid too if there's one nearby, its a dedicated plus sized store and they stock for taller bodies too. Their clothing is purposefully made to not draw attention to the stomach region, but they are pricey, but they also have a clearance section if you don't mind wearing stuff out of season.
Bright pastel colors will make you look "bigger" this is because of how light reflects on them.
High waist stuff is a good friend of yours if you're bigger, as well as billowy sleeve stuff. Blouses are also good, jeans are alright according to my shorter plus sized friend, but I hate the texture so your mileage might vary. I like how softer slacks feel and look, especially in combination with a good sweater.
Do you know what body type you have, if you don't mind my asking?

>>40187535
I've shopped at Marshalls/TJ Maxx and similar places. I shouldn't be afraid to check out Torrid sometime, since one is near me.
Umm I'm not sure what kind of body type I have. I have a big tummy. Big thighs.
Seems like I might have a decent grasp of where to shop and just need to go more often. Doing it alone sucks!

>>40187724
Yeah, doing it alone really does suck, but something that helps is treating it like its a date with yourself! Get a little coffee or something and have fun, and remember that the changing rooms are private, so if you wanna pose or something to make yourself feel better other people can't see.
Also don't be afraid to on clothes you think might be ugly for fun! Worst case scenario, it breaks up the monotony of trying on clothes and you can have a laugh, best case you might find yourself surprised. My favorite dress was absolutely hideous on the hanger but actually stunning when I put it on.

goodnight bump

>>40121246
>I am now a proud owner of a huge NAS, in other words an array of redundant hard drives I can access through my network like a 20TB USB stick. It's a dream come true, really.

Awesome! Definitely something I’d like to do in the future.

On the cooking front, I recently got a set of wooden spurdles, pic related. They’re great for stirring, folding and pressing. You can also get nice ones for cheap.

>>40172954
>I hope it worked out
I did go... I'm registered for classes now. So that's cool. I still have to deal with the financial part, but I can do that from home so there's less of a barrier.

>do you have any peers you could contact?
kind of. I have a couple friends that I get food with once a week or so, and some people I play poker with sometimes, some others that I talk to regularly. When I said I've isolated myself too much, I don't mean that I don't talk to people, or that I'm a recluse. I mean it more in an emotional isolation kind of way. I don't have anyone that I'd feel comfortable asking that of.

>Alternatively, what is your time zone?
EST.

I've been feeling really weird about gender stuff. considering changing my mind about transitioning. I called the trans lifeline earlier this week because I was feeling really bad about it. The woman that answered was very nice and helpful. planned parenthood sent me an email saying they could move my appointment up, but I haven't responded to it.... I've been consuming a lot of "my trans journey" kind of content. videos, blogs, stuff like that... and it makes me feel strange. It's like.... I relate so much of what a lot of trans girls say they did or were like or how they felt pre transition, which kind of reassures me that I'm not making it all up, but at the same time... the reassurance is scary. It's like... I don't want to be trans..... I want to be a girl, obviously, I just don't want to be trans. and even that thought I've seen mirrored in some stories. It's all so scary and hard and confusing... I hate that I have to deal with these feelings. I felt so sure about transitioning, but now I'm feeling like I shouldn't....

>Exhausted by trannies, Autogynephile’s, Coomers, cone tits and prison gays, and racemixers?
>Want to be able scream nigger and tell a guy he’s cute?
>Or maybe you want be around dignified people who aren’t horrendously disgusting?
>Do you think Hitler was a swell guy?
>Would you rather have blacks and heebs take their leave of your country?
>Well then I’d say you’d probably be interested in our server!
>We play games such as Rust, Warthunder, DayZ, Arena Breakout, Anno, HOI4, BG3 and more!
>Movies, Voice calls and great members!
>NA, Euro, kiwis and aussies wanted!!!!
>We are a private server for White Gay/Bi Men who are Masc4Masc or Masc4Fem, with a high regard for rules to benefit you and only you!
>You can help make this place a better place!
>If you’re interested in this paradise, then add illmarinen_ and inquire for more information. Hope to see you soon!

>>40192474
>Rust, Warthunder, HOI4
Good to know Ernst Rohms legacy lives on through the most mega-autist gays alive.

I have to get something off of my chest; I don’t like self-improvement. I’ve subjected myself to 2 years of “self-improvement” only to realize I felt like a robot trying to achieve an arbitrary goal of getting better. Being alone, staying in bed has always been my permanent comfort and friend. It feels better than any conversation or “human connection” with others.

>>40162599
>>40173679
yea so i just rly needed to cry basically. maybe I should get better at parsing out existential & spiritual trouble from what's just my mind/body freaking out. not that I'm not processing genuine worries and, as you say, confusion, or that there might not be value to pursuing those questions in a hurt and confused, 'raw' state; but it's much easier to look at now I've regrouped a bit.
>transition as a kinda puberty
That's funny. Ppl sometimes talk about the 'emotional highs and lows of adolescence' and i often wish to get to experience part of that, I think I missed a bunch of it
>unfamiliar wants, needs and emotions
>confusion often accompanies growth
It would be very cool from the outside if that's what's happening; it's very weird, though. I feel strange.
>you are doing wonderfully
Ty, pls take care
>>40172934
>pronounced inertia
I wonder if it's a neurodivergence thing? I definitely have this quality of being very devoted to things, but it's hard to put my finger on what it is bc in other ways I'm flighty
>people
Yes! I'm not sure if you're keeping track of me but yes I'm trying that, I just expect it'll take a while. I feel like I'm too emotionally heavy with people already so I'm trying to learn to take care of myself first
>video
Off just the first ten minutes, this might be the discussion i was looking for. Thanks!!
>art time
I have some mental blocks there too, but maybe I should try really prioritizing it for a bit so I can cross off whether that's important to this leg of the process or not

i think i self improved too hard as a mtf. i went from a non-passing NEET hikki to graduating, becoming passing, getting a good job, and i just bought an apartment and have a mortgage now. the problem is that now im totally alone since every other queer i know has no interest in anything but rotting and i dont relate to cissoids. maybe improving was a mistake

>been working out everyday for a month
>lose 2% body fat, gain it as muscle
>feels good
>suddenly gain back the fat out of nowhere, still working out and doing intermittent fasting
>back where I started now
WHY

Hi it’s been a while and I really need to get it together because I was watching porn again because a fetish of mine that I have resurfaced and honestly porn really doesn’t do it for me. I really like men, but the wanting of more porn and that I can get this video so I can watch it forever but to be honest it is just the same thing and I don’t want to be in an endless cycle again. Porn just feels so mediocre now like it’s either straight men, wanting money, or just boring and I am tired of it. A part of me still wants someone to love me, but I think I need time to rehabilitate myself in reality to feel like I can be stable in a relationship. An issue I still have is when I find someone attractive I get heartbroken when I find out they are straight and talking to a girl and it’s like duh, but my heart and my mind feel separated from one another and I get sad. Well beyond that, I have been feeling a bit weird because I have a communication class and I recorded myself and I forget how I look towards everyone else I feel like there is a split between my thoughts and what in reality I look like. I think I understand why guys find me a bit attractive because forever I was always ashamed of myself and felt ugly, but in reality I’m just a nerdy twink to people I guess lol. I just wish that I was just myself and not this split between myself. Another thing is thanks to that communication of recording myself I cleaned apart of my room and got rid of some what I believe was mold on the walls and my walls look clean and my room is clean on on side. I sort of left myself no choice but to clean the other side of my room because of that, but man that is literally going to take forever since I have shoved things into drawers and now I have to clean those drawers.

>>40163242
>Do you sometimes spend quality time with them at home? Do you sometimes talk to them about your feelings and experiences, or listen to theirs and see if you can relate abstractly?

Yeah we all spend time at eachothers places and such. I do listen to them talk about their feelings and also talk about stuff I go through but the majority of my friends are men and I can tell they don't really relate to me much either...

>Do you have plans to girlmode, medium term?
I have really dark facial hair and even with trying to cover it up with makeup its really obvious still. Trying to get laser but so far no luck. Pretty much impossible for me to feel comfortable girl moding. Last time I tried dressing up in my room I just felt awful and took it off and cried for a while

sleepy..

Looks like I won’t be getting another prescription for antibiotics this time around because the bacteria levels arent high enough. Nearly passed out in the waiting room so the pain hasn’t left. The bacteria are still measurable, however, so I guess it really is going to return. Weighing my options once more.
In the meantime I’ve been trying to process the passage of time and 50% of the remainder of my family potentially dying within a few months or years again as well. It’s been a rough week.
It feels evil to hope one of them dies before the other but… I guess thats where I’m at. I can’t help them. They weren’t kind to me growing up but they didnt mean to be bad. I’m not going to forgive them when they pass even if I know thats what theyre hoping for. But I guess I wont be thinking of them as a villain either.

I spent so much time leading up to my current relationship improving myself, starting hobbies and generally just doing shit
18 months in and I've become consumed by my relationship. My bf is all I think about and I'm constantly wishing I could spend more time with him and have 1h30 min calls while I'm at work like we did when we first started dating
My bf pointed out to me that we need to start refocusing on ourselves and I'm finding it so rough to get back into my old hobbies because I keep thinking "wouldn't it be nice to do this with (bf)?"
We still love each other, go on dates and just exist with each other sometimes but I think my bf needs more time to himself and I need to stop obsessing over him

>>40192039
> I've been feeling really weird about gender stuff. considering changing my mind about transitioning.
People usually don't tell you this part, because it's clear that trans people are at a high risk of sh, suicide, and the later you start the worse chances you get at passing.

Nobody wants to be trans, anon. Nobody. Probably not even the transtrenders. People want to live a normal life. However some people have a gender other than the one assigned at birth.

I can't tell you to transition or not. If it helps, try to find a therapist who understands. Not a gatekeeper, nor a rubber stamper. So rarer than a white crow.

It's okay to question, anon.

>>40193035
Great progress, anon! Performative self improvement is actually hurtful. Or maybe you haven't yet reached the point where it's safe for you to be around humans. Don't be hard on yourself.

>>40193121
Improving is never a mistake, and if you think the queer people around youare toxic in a way that they drag you down back to being a neet, it's a great idea not to engage with them.

But what repulses you so much in cis/straight people? Maybe you just didn't meet the right person?

>>40196504
Please don't do this to your relationship. To him, to yourself. You have said that maybe he needs some me-time. You can be apart as well. It's healthy for both of you. And actually a need for both of you, because you're human.

You're too precious to erase yourself for anyone, anon.

>>40197532
I'm saying that I already did it and I need to reverse it

>>40197621
Not yet. At least as far as I could read from your words. And that's a HUGE difference. Try to have a deep, honest comversation with your boyfriend about boundaries. In a relationship, you're together. A team. This is just something you need to talk about.

If you can't or, and especially if you feel you need to be obsessed, the problem starts.

>>40164617
>half the page is the text, the other half is (I shit you not) the footnote
Hah, yeah, I've seen that before. Not in that book, I can't recall where. I personally just don't read footnotes tbqh
>quantifiers and algebraic notation would have made his word vomit much more concise
Hmm, in my experience, philosophy people prefer the written word. Many are not interested in nor good at math. They tend to be verbal thinkers. I guess there's the whole analytical philosophy thing... maybe you'd enjoy that... oh, and Spinoza...
I mean, from what little I've read, I don't remember Kant being a bad writer, just a really difficult one. Now Hegel...
>I've asked before at the kinda people you met at your unis, right?
Not sure... I guess I had some okay fellow students the first time I went to uni. It was a pleasant and cultured environment. Maybe it was because it was a humanities course. I managed to fall in with the wrong crowd outside of my degree though (Burschis)
>Someone you can just ask if they are mad at you, or judge you, or if you are a burden
Yeah, I'm not going to find someone like that where I am.
>intrusive thoughts and anxieties which I can only combat through letting myself be reassured
I get those sometimes too. I used to get them a lot more, but I've learned to handle them on my own to some degree (meditation routine)
>the deal you are currently envisioning is the kind of thing that people can do in their 20s
You know, I think I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
>I am not as much a career person as I thought I was. That is a very people person thing to say.
I am not a people person by any stretch...
>If someone tells you of something with that sparkle in their eyes. You just wanna be part of it even if it's not your subject.
I can't really relate here, anon. I've met very few people who were ever passionate about something other than making a lot of money, being successful and living the normie life. Even at uni, they were the minority...

Just a few quick posts tonight and the rest tomorrow.
Everyone, bear in mind we are close to the bump limit (311). If your post is not responded to before this thread keels over, as always, I will reply in the next thread.
>>40174909
Say, which Anon are you?
>>40179450
>FFS
Sadly I don't, I could imagine mtfg having something but I didn't see anything in their pastebin.
>It's like I agree but I'm of the view im hopeless to change it currently.
Yes, you NEED to be out to people. Urgently. The question is if there are people in your immediate IRL circle you can be?
>who I am is just fundamentally so unbelievably far off the edge of my irls view of me
Gotta be a little harsh there: so what's the actual plan then long term? Leave everyone you know behind and start a new life? Wait until the changes are too obvious to ignore?
>mental damage of not getting enough sleep, enough time to process etc is getting to me now
please, take your time Navy.
>>40182729
All we've got in this life is one another, ultimately. Do keep me posted as things develop, will you? I'm here to listen.
>>40182933
And thank you Anon, for sticking around.
>>40182945
Why were you cutting contact? What are your general plans? Transitioning I suppose?

>>40181003
>>40182650
>>40182428
>That does seem to explain how my mind constantly correlates myself to the bad situations I always seem to find myself in.
Yeah.. it is unfortunate like that.
>My main issue is that I can't seem to acquire any ground in reality
Hmm, I think you already have the answer to that. Especially:
>Emotional grounding -> Talking to my family and friends.
It is okay to let loved ones pull your brain worms. You can flat out ask them for opinions on thoughts like "X feels like my fault, but is it really?".
>Jesus, I should NOT have been made, such a bad idea.
I am sure your loved ones disagree, heh.
>Does it dictate hormones, or sleep cycles?
Emotions, fight or flight response, a couple other things but those were the ones I had in mind.
>Yes please, the more information the better.
A lot of things can help, depending on the specific kinda grounding. First of all, there are breathing techniques and things that focus on the sensory. Those help with panic attack sort of things. Worry stones, 5 senses technique, weighted blanket, box breathing, physical exercise, picrel.. they are some of direct hardware access. They help with things from anxiety to panic attacks. I know some PTSD suffers successfully use capsaicin (the heat of chilis) pills to snap out of episodes. I need to know more about the ways you spiral to know what might help, too.
>>40183002
One resource I found quite useful was https://liamrosen.com/fitness.html (from the /fit/ sticky). I think the general overtone is to have a fair amount of good protein and a caloric excess, remember that you can drink calories if you struggle with eating enough. I would say mtfs are well advised to take the caveats for women into account as well.
>>40191603
Ohh, nifty! I've never seen those before, it seems they are a Scottish thing? Reminds me that I need to buy a good rolling pin eventually.

>>40193035
>Being alone, staying in bed has always been my permanent comfort and friend.
I understand, and I am definitely not going to wish to take this away from you. Self improvement for its own sake can be extremely misguided. But it is also important to avoid rotting and feeling miserable. And.. misery can be very, very comfortable to a point. The point shouldn't be an arbitrary goal of getting better, I agree! But it can be a necessity for survival. People shouldn't be a chore, either. I think you get my point.
>>40192039
Very, VERY proud of you, Anon! You did great.
>I don't have anyone that I'd feel comfortable asking that of.
Now comes a very, very hard question: Do you trust any of your acquaintances enough to try and open up? If not, why not? What criteria would you be looking for in someone you trust with it?
>It's all so scary and hard and confusing...
>I'm feeling like I shouldn't....
I understand, and as you can tell, many feel like you. I wish I could do more than reassure. But.. keep going. Perhaps check the second youtube video in this post.
>>40193051
>i often wish to get to experience part of that
You certainly do now, that much I can attest. And as you put it, it is very cool to see from the outside. The strangeness of it all is unavoidable. You are doing as well as anyone would.
>Yes! I'm not sure if you're keeping track of me
I do try actually! Sometimes I confuse anons but I try to keep tabs more or less. And it sounds like you are going in an overall great direction, Anon!
>I have some mental blocks there too, but maybe I should try really prioritizing it for a bit so I can cross off whether that's important to this leg of the process or not
Here is a video on making art I like to share, the channel in general is quite nice in my opinion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewHVHPGS_LU
There is another video actually that is "about art" but not actually about art specifically at all in my mind: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQn8IIvl6Dc

>>40197487
Performative self-improvement is the only self-improvement I’ve known. It’s always been to satisfy the goals or expectations of another. I used to have my own intrinsic drive but it’s been forcefully broken down by my college experience. All I want now is to sink into endless comforts alone. All by myself.

>>40202242
I do all this self-improvement because others tell me to do it. I’m always doing things at the behest of others, never myself. My dreams have been broken since a few years ago and gave way to a simple wish to never feel the pain of trying and failing, or trying and always losing out to others again.

should i wear high or low top vans with 3 inch inseam denim shorts
there's some kind of rule about that right

I can levitate birds, but nobody cares

Bump

I deserve death

Will reply to posts later, making dinner right now.

I deserve to be tortured in the most painful way imaginable for the rest of eternity.

>>40056254 (OP)
>Rest up, everyone. And once you have rested enough, speak your mind and share your feelings.
thank you anon. I'll lie down, today it seems my body and mind need rest

pg9

>>40206915
no

>>40201917
>Say, which Anon are you?
its a me...im...better..
im obfuscating my name sometimes cause...........i am dumb and wanna hide

NEW THREAD.
Everyone who hasn't been replied to: I'm on it but won't make it to cross link here, so see the next one.
>>40211079
>>40211079
>>40211079
>>40211079

>>40074907
I missed your post! I will reply proper next thread.

Will reply in the new thread as soon as I get some sleep.

a few book keeping autimposts to keep track of whom I replied to
>>40174158 >>40196468 >>40193121 >>40193190
see >>40211965

>>40193335 >>40194467
see >>40212091

>>40199911
see >>40212323 and >>40212334

>>40202968 >>40203639 >>40206756 >>40206915

see >>40212323

>>40205426 >>40196504
see >>40212334

>>40207345
see >>40212458

>>40211773 >>40206879 >>40210936
see >>40212458

>>40210555 >>40074907
see >>40212458

alright, thread's over I think