Why do I want to push people away and be alone, but then when I'm alone I get sad and lonely and miss the people I pushed away?

sad today
had a decent week and future looks good but
it always feels so pointless
since i'll never be a woman
just a stupid faggot agp male with disgusting sissy and diaper fetishes
i dont even want to be a tranny anymore let alone a woman
id settle just for being a normal guy
and not having these desires
i dont like that i want to be a woman
i dont like that im not normal
i just
i wish i was a normal guy
and this post is just going into the void
and i probably wont even respond
and idk
any tips for this feel bros?

sometimes when trooning out looks appealing I read TERF twitter and Kiwifarms to bully myself into not doing so because of how ridiculous I'd look