>18, sadposting online about feeling hopelessly repulsive and thinking no-one will ever want to be with me
>friend (f) says "i would"
>naïvely think wow alright and we end up doing it in the back of my car
>we kiss and i don't know how to kiss and it is weird and i don't like it but it makes my heart beat fast and i interpret that as a good thing
>can't bring myself to do the actual sex other way besides her sitting on top of me, and i touch her boobs a little but nothing ever happens and we just stop after a while
>wake up the next morning completely miserable, feel disgusting, like, the worst i had ever felt in my whole life until that moment
i still regret it. it's even worse because i had never felt anything like that before physically or emotionally so i told her the next day that i loved her and we started "dating" for about a month until it just sort of fizzled out. we never did it again. she asked if i wanted to once but changed her mind because she was sore from unrelated things and i am thankful for that
i dunno if i'll ever get over it. to this day i feel disgusting and i am married to a man now but even if i weren't i don't think i could ever have sex with a cis woman again.
probably should talk to a therapist about this

>>40354233
>I didn't hate it but i felt so overwhelmed and guilty.
this is exactly it :(
hopefully it is not still haunting you op
looking through this thread it seems like regret and guilt are sort of a theme