>>40381277
I have also never really felt like I was ever myself. I remember complaining to my parents about it when I was 12, saying something along the lines of "Why does it feel like I am always another person when going to school?", and them brushing it and saying it's just puberty. Never showed signs that it's not something insignificant though, so I don't blame them for not being more concerned.
It wasn't "just puberty" though, since I am already way past that, and I still completely lack a sense of self. It feels like who I am as a person is just a bunch of coping mechanisms held together by duct tape. There is no person underneath them all, just a mask.
I have also given up on the concept of a "real me". I genuinely don't believe there is such a thing. There was no trauma that could've caused this, so there is also nothing to blame for this lack of self.

>I do wish i stopped E after a few months like you did but at that point I was still pretty unsure and after you’re on it for a while its really hard to commit to stopping
If you wish you stopped E sooner, then you probably should just stop taking it asap. There is not really a reason to continue if you don't benefit in any way from it.
I do understand it though, how fully committing even to a preferable decision can be extremely anxiety inducing, especially if the mind obsess incessantly over anything