i have a meeting with the bosses tomorrow to talk about my recent lag in work.
i feel very torn, or lost. or listless. i dont really know where to go at this point in my life. a not so small part of me wants to get the first bus out of here and leave everyone behind. i essentially subsidize the living of a whole family that is my sibling, living in my home. and the stresses have begun to be too much; both financially and mentally. my mother wishes to leave too. i think about suicide often. not so much the killing but how'd id make others feel to know ho wclose they were to me physically and yet not be able to see how badly i want it to end and id hope my death (grim and with the use of shotgun) would haunt them and hurt them and their kids forever.
which is childish i know. and id be leaving behind a good crew of friends whom i love dearly and a dog so i cant kill myself.
i'd like to run away however, they say this is just a hump to get over, but theres just been alot of humps. i also need a break, a long good break.