sorry for the blogpost in advance but I need some advice and need to clear my head. Essentially Ive been a spineless people pleaser my whole life, the avg neglected middle child, etc ,etc. I definitely pushed romantic feelings onto a friend that didn't want those romantic feelings, Ive taken accountability for that. We are from the same friend group and for a long period of time for about 3 years for lack of a better word felt like I had him all to myself but whenever I see his profile picture It triggers me like I dont understand like my chest gets tight and it flares up. When I see his profile picture on discord is online and he hasnt sent me a message I get triggered, when I see his steam profile picture I get triggered, it literally feels horrible. I don't talk to him because I was just obsessed with his attention. Ive had an actual relationship sense then with a guy I really liked that wasn't him but he had to move back home because he was studying abroad. Now my brain is in fight or flight mode trying to get another meaningful connection and I think about messaging him and stop myself because I just want his attention and he does not want me. We spent alot of time with each other and I just cannot get over the pain I went through knowing it meant nothing to him. I am relapsing so bad, even right now I think I just want validation. I know this wont last forever there will be a day when I dont think about him at all but looking for a job right now has my self worth feeling the absolute lowest its ever been. I cant give up though I dont know why living while giving up somehow feels worse than all of this. I genuinely feel like Im losing my mind.