Im 27 years old and a nobody, which is "normal", but my problem is that i rlly dont see a way out of the concentration camp:human civilization to the point where ive started thinking about suicide before sleep - not in an emotionally charged way, but in objective "mathematical" way, its an "exit game" button and thats it. I feel like there are very little things left to impress me in life with the "stats" that i have at my age.
I had inner problems since about age 12 where I felt some form of despair and stress about not knowing what to occupy myself with, I wanted to try out so many things but i just cant make myself stick to doing anything at all, ive literally wasted all of my time on video games and youtube.
It sux quite a bit because whenever i get a callback to something that at any point i wanted to pursue in the past, almost all of the time i feel very strongly that i would have succeeded at that particular thing. especially stuff like music or drawing.
I have constantly all kinds of thoughts about many different subjects, they are creativity driven thoughts, ideas and daydreams, sometimes i think even of concepts that i can see through very vividly but i dont even have vocabulary to explain them well enough. Its not just fiction-based but do-able peculiar things irl. I write down and hoard a bunch of these and it kind of keeps me calmed that i do it but in the 2 years since ive started doing that ive never went back to any of them and i dont think ill ever have the capacity to organize it, which is fine.