Im 27 years old and a nobody, which is "normal", but my problem is that i rlly dont see a way out of the concentration camp:human civilization to the point where ive started thinking about suicide before sleep - not in an emotionally charged way, but in objective "mathematical" way, its an "exit game" button and thats it. I feel like there are very little things left to impress me in life with the "stats" that i have at my age.
I had inner problems since about age 12 where I felt some form of despair and stress about not knowing what to occupy myself with, I wanted to try out so many things but i just cant make myself stick to doing anything at all, ive literally wasted all of my time on video games and youtube.
It sux quite a bit because whenever i get a callback to something that at any point i wanted to pursue in the past, almost all of the time i feel very strongly that i would have succeeded at that particular thing. especially stuff like music or drawing.
I have constantly all kinds of thoughts about many different subjects, they are creativity driven thoughts, ideas and daydreams, sometimes i think even of concepts that i can see through very vividly but i dont even have vocabulary to explain them well enough. Its not just fiction-based but do-able peculiar things irl. I write down and hoard a bunch of these and it kind of keeps me calmed that i do it but in the 2 years since ive started doing that ive never went back to any of them and i dont think ill ever have the capacity to organize it, which is fine.
But usually through out the day i feel the need to write something down. Sometimes there are days where i dont, but sometimes i cant even fall asleep until i write down the thing that has come to my mind. It even gets to the point where i have "painting" or "character design ideas" or "new drawing style idea" that i have to "sketch" or "map" out a bit with some shapes and colors in order to hopefully save it for the potential future where i have learned to draw and can still recognize it...
Same with music to a lesser extent. Ive had a daw always installed on my computer for about 13 years now. Ive never done more than fuck around with the keyboard by making some tunes and then fucking off because its too difficult to understand how the program works and where do i need to go to do x y z. I just cant make myself be bothered.
Story/premise ideas for films/novels etc. Not just those but also would be "camera effects" or ways to film or portray certain scene and so on.
Ive rlly thought of all kinds of shit, those are just basics. I even have couple sports ideas.
I also have a lot of fantasy & fiction worldbuilding going on in my brain since about age 13; which of course ive never organized nor mapped out. However i must admit that ive dismissed almost all the concepts ive thought of - because the truly great ones have started coming to my mind only recently and ive thought about really insane origins of elfs and dragons and such and their incredible fantastic existences that i think if i could develop a decent vocabulary id be able to at the very least to make some money off of writing fantasy shit.
I also have very magical thinking that bolsters my creativity but also affects my world views in various ways.
But by far the most devilish thing for me is game design (mechanics and gameplay over premises), its stuff i cant stop thinking about. Yet i would never ever want to spend a second learning programming cause its so insufferable and gay.
The irony is that at the end of the day i dont really care about all of this shit and if i could i would rather be if not a hunter gatherer, then a fisherman in a tropical country just fishing and spending all day in the sun and leaving simply. I also see some girls irl sometimes and i know that i could have them easier than the average guy does (because of some of my physical parameters), but im not interested in them, mostly because i dont see the point because for me civilized life is huge prison and we've all been fucked up since before we could even learn to talk. Im a khhv btw still. Socially i have isolated myself from humans, out of disinterest and maybe out of contempt, i think very often that i would like to unlearn the human languages, to stop comprehending thoughts or at least to have a "firewall" that blocks all human-made noise including speech. I think it would be way better to be an insect like a bug like a grasshopper or a dragonfly than to be a human. I rlly envy grasshoppers.
Honestly speaking i am quite glad that the AI is here because its consistently able to take away a little metal burden off of me; but it also enables me to indulge even more at times.
Im 20 and in the same situation. Ive had a lot of creative projects in the past that kind of lead nowhere. Only recently I tried being consistent with music production. I think the reason for this is general media consuming addiction. As a kid I used to just make shit all the time until my parents bought me a phone and I got insanely addicted to my phone and computer. Later I found that any hobby I took on, I had a fear I was wasting my time, also I would just give up after some time. Still I know there are chronically online people that still do shit. Maybe I am just lazy. Idk just ranting. But im in a similar situation.
>walls of texts
pls condense in 1-2 sentences
You need more grounded/earth/reality/perspective/experience/world/knowledge/human/touch your sprawling ideas are naive juvenile underdeveloped uninformed slop trash spinning in circles
Leave your tiny bubble and experience the visceral raw tenderness and you might finally be propelled to create something because your soul needs aches urges to express preserve capture whatever
