In my darkest hour I got on my knees and begged, I was so afraid and just wanted the pain to end; so I told God and believed that I was a corrupt and disgusting person and begged for him to appear. I thought that would make him come and help me. Instead he did not; and now I had not even myself left to fight for; I suffered for months unable to sleep and in constant fear. When I said those things about myself to "God" it felt as if I had lost everything. And that created a vortex, where I waited for God to help but nothing came, and I started to believe I was allowing evil out of weakness, and I could feel no pleasure, because I was destroyed and in a constant state of terror. And so as I went deeper I thought I had nothing left to lose and gave into every wicked desire I had hid from myself. There was no ego left to protect.

Why is everything easy for everyone else but just to have the bare minimum of understanding I have to try so hard?

Pulls out a knife and stabs him to death