anon, you have a cute coping mechanism that you use to get through the day, there's nothing wrong with it at all. no one you don't trust has to know and it hurts no one for you to engage. you're not less of a person, or even a man, for wanting comfort.

as for the suicide, please don't. whatever suffering you're going through has treatments and ways out that don't involve cutting yourself off from everything good in the world.

anon, you need help to get through what you're going through, and that's completely okay. maybe you should post here what problems you're having and how you're feeling.