Home from another walk.
Not doing too well on the avoiding overexertion or starving myself or seeking out novelty and strangers to escape the reality I know fronts, but continuing my streak of no unhealthy drinking.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I feel like I’m seconds away from everything collapsing over my head.
The same feeling of urgency as last time I had a gap between infections and hospital trips, ignoring what has to be done in favour of chasing something that “looks” good, in order to impress people short term. Slowing down feels like a looming threat I have to avoid. I’m too proud and too scared to ask for help irl anymore. My awareness of my own desire for hyper independence doesnt make it stop. I need to get my shit together.
I’m going to allow myself a short run to help me avoid something worse.

I’m trying my best again tomorrow.