STAY HYDRATED Edition, that includes you fuckers seeing this thread in the catalog!
previous: >>40229210 (premature)

Goal of the thread: Think of something you are grateful for. Feel free to share it with us, but no pressure!
Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!

>What is this thread for?
Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.
Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.
>Why is this thread /lgbt/?
Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.
>Notes to consider:
Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:
WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION
>Note on advice
Generic advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.

We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!
Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!

## RESOURCE LINKS:

Resource link paste: https://sntry.cc/sig-resources-2024-04
General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04
Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04

I failed preacher curl 4x10 today, stopped at 8 of the last rep.
I hate it.

>>40270503
yeah but tomorrow, youre gonna do one more curl. youre gonna do more, slowly but surely.

>>40270482 (OP)
I’m
Grateful for the love I receive from others
And for their patience

NEWCOMERS PLEASE READ!
I am currently working on an FAQ to try help people with onboarding. I haven't had the time yet to write one up but I take suggestions, and before all else I have an announcement to newcomers.
This general is slow. However, unlike many generals, it is carefully curated by a dedicated Anon (me) who makes an effort that no post goes unreplied if he can find something helpful to say. This means that, should a thread die before your post was replied to, he will go back and cross-reference it in the next thread. You can follow cross references to archived threads using the 4chanx extension (ask if you need to know more) or manually search https://archived.moe. If you don't wanna deal with that, OP will gladly refer you to the reply if requested to.

Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

I will slowly but surely catch up over the next two days, taking a small break right now since I just got home from work and probably get going in an hour or two.
Since this is an extremely lively season I may intersperse replies to achrived thread posts with new ones cropping up right now to keep things manageable.
(I don't know why I keep explaining my procedures, I guess I fear that people get discouraged and worry they are being ignored.)
>>40270503
This is really fucking grating a feeling, I can relate. Hope you can treat yourself to something to ease shrugging it off for the day.
>>40270600
I'm in the same boat, I feel. And of course, I am happy for all the people who help me make this general what it is today. Bears repeating.
>>40262874
>>40260526
>>40259728
You're all so sweet.. I am really greateful for the amount of patience you all have with me.

>>40270744
Take your time and take care siganon. The summer heat demands it

I walked 20.000 estrosteps today, and read in a newspaper at the library. I also found an estrotick sucking my estroblood, I removed it.
Tomorrow morning I can estrojog again, I'm looking forward to it (today and yesterday were rest days). I also bought some comfy long summer trousers (they are women's trousers and are very comfy.) I already got some comfy short summer trousers (also from the women's section).

>>40237100
I know my share of suffering, certainly, but although it is not a contest, I continue to be humbled/in awe hearing what others have bounced back from. But I understand enough to want to offer sympathy and perhaps a small bit of comfort.
>But I don't want to load people here with my ted talks.
>I'm not in imminent danger, and as I read, other people are.
I understand. But let me put it this way: it is important for people to be categorically encouraged to talk about their issues regardless of urgency. You see, if the person that stubs their toe is discouraged from expressing pain the person that lost their hand will start thinking they shouldn't complain cause they still have most of their arm. It always devolves into a race to the bottom. So it is a good thing to have non-urgent posts to not have people think of it as a zero sum game.
... huh. I should put this in the FAQ. The two most common reservations I see from people is "am I LGBT enough to be here" and "have I suffered enough to deserve speaking up". Ironically for me to do my thing here the answer to both must be categorical and immediate with 0 nuance. Otherwise.. you know how brainworms are.
>without bogging down real people.
People need to be needed, too. If you fear overwhelming, that we can discuss.
>And I also don't want to make chatgpt my world. I had enough of that.
Good, so you don't wanna over-use it so to say.
>I didn't say abusive, anon.
Pardon, it was presumptuous of me. The only thing I would like to say is that the vast majority of people will categorically reject labels like trauma or abuse. That sounds like an insinuation, but take it more as a general disclaimer for people reading along: even those that are will feel this way, at least initially. And it is not my place to distinguish between those that were and paradoxically feel that way and those that weren't.
(1/2)

>>40237100
(2/2)
>So you're saying it will only go *down* from here?
It *might* dip. But it is very important to know that if your feelings are contradicting your circumstances (feeling unsafer than ever in a safe environment) then that is a green flag and healing. Think of it as the kind of injury where the painfulness of the healing process is not universal and the degree of pain experienced has no bearing to the healing process. It can be painful, it can be painless, but neither is a bad sign.
>my old car blew the tranny (/o/ word, not /tttt/)
Holy shit that piece of jargon was new to me, thank you! Got a chuckle out of me.
>probably I wouldn't be able to afford one.
Financial matters always are a pain in the ass, if it isn't covered by whatever form healthcare takes for you that can doubly suck.
>And then, I don't want to break down before her and tell I'm trans outright.
I have a perhaps interesting take for you: a therapist should be a gynecologist of the mind. We expose intimate things to them, and if they have any business to be in their business, and they aren't complete noobs, we would expect them to have "seen it all" already. Our intimates are their bread and butter, and to them it should be mundane. There is comfort in that thought, to me.
>Of course everyone knows, they're just nice.
Not to hugbox but you *sure* they would be so polite?
>And in Thirdiestan, being trans is not life insurance.
Maybe a different angle: do you know other lgbt peeps in your country? Sometimes tightly knit networks form in thirdie countries for self preservation.

>>40238566
>They don’t care about my interests unless it’s something they’ve heard through others is a prestigious interest to have or something they can use to show off to their friends.
That in and of itself is incredibly gross, but I didn't mind them, I meant you and me. I was suggesting the two of us have a chat about your passions. You really have been treated awfully, Shinji. My goodness.

surprisingly still going strong
vertical line is where I started pioglitazone, so it's hard to tell if there is an appreciable effect yet. though I am taking measurements frequently so I have lots of data to look at later regarding where all the fat is going.

the interesting thing on this plot is the predicted weight. this attempts to estimate the daily weight using the calorie counts, and by optimizing the function for least squares difference it gives me a good estimate of my maintenance calories, around 1870. consistent with me eating an average of 2580 calories per day and gaining 1.3 lbs per week

>>40238263
>Benched 3x5 200 lbs today.
That is pretty cool, I assume you are >>40270503?
>>40242169
>>40242200
I'm happy to hear things are moving along on that front!
>frankly I intensely dislike leaving any aspect of my transition in the hands of anyone but myself
Do you often feel like you should carry the sole responsibility for things related to you? or is it just because transition "the official™ way" is still such a clunky process in many aspects?
>I guess my deadline has to be whenever I'm free of training
that is done and dealt with in a matter of.. a year, maybe two? Just a ballpark.
>fear of rejection and negative judgement
That, at least in my experience, gets easier if you have someone you feel comfortable being open with, so I will focus on that.
>i had no interest in social relationships as a repper
That makes perfect sense, and as you said, the next step is essentially being openly trans in a space where you feel you can afford to be.
>Idk, I wish I had a productive course of action
Let's rattle off what LGBT places you have access to, perhaps? On and offline, as a start?
As for...
>but really I should tell my family beforehand incase I get outed on bloodtests.
>there's no way they'd see me as doing anything but being immensely irrational.
I agree it is delicate, and sooner is better since you can then mop up the fallout before you know the result, I suppose. I have a suggestion for you, regarding how to deal with it once the inevitable pushback happens. It is a technique designed for talking to people with dementia but it actually is an amazing tool to engage with people when they are having strong emotional reactions: VERA. I made picrel, the original thread is actually about someone deescalating a mother's freakout over her apparently ftm kid.
>>40272339
Absolutely wonderful progress! This reminds me a lot of my own graph autism, you might remember me also having done predictive models in the past when I was losing weight.

>>40271925
>I didn't mind them, I meant you and me
Sorry, reading that now that seems obvious kek. I was … warm and spiralling out of myself while I wrote it.

>>40242586
>>40251447
>The only time I'm free from verbal assault is the middle of the night and I'm still expected to have a "normal" schedule.
>I'm under constant observation by people who despise everything I like about myself
Disgusting, and it is awful you were treated the way you were. Trapped in an abusive, controlling environment. And having tried to rely on others to escape only to end in the clutches of a different kind of monster. I assume "family".. You are a bit of an emergency case in a way. How much contact do you have to the outside? What kinda country do you live in, are there perhaps LGBT helplines and such you could reach out to?
>She came back to a place she left because she was too good for everyone there.
Oh goodness, the one that took advantage of you? Can you out her out of your life? Not sure I understand the situation.
>I just wish I could kill her first.
Is it mean I would consider that a healthier thought? You do not deserve the treatment you receive. You know what statistic plummeted when they legalized divorce? Mariticide. People that are trapped MAKE their way out sometimes. It's not an endorsement. But in a situation like yours I encourage people to not resent themselves even if it means resenting others (and oftentimes the deserving).
>>40243028
>I feel like it might help me as well, or even just volunteering where I would have to show up regularly.
Do give it a shot and share your experiences!
>That sounds stressful (but also really cool), I'm glad you managed to make the appointment!
Thank you, it's fun but also tiring, ahaha.. I am trying to learn the lang but I don't have super much mental energy per day, so I do simple things like duolingo.
> the person who has reached out to me again I actually met as a language tandem online because he's learning my native language and I am learning his :)
Awh, that is so cool!
>>40273157
No worries, frien. Take your time, you can tell I had to slow down too.

>>40242636
>They would but I can feel that my life was a bad idea.
I understand, I meant it more in a sense of: repeated exposure to the pov of your loved ones may sway those feelings in the long term.
>So sensory techniques will work more directly?
In general they are a first line of defense so to say. They can very often snap you out of it yes.
>Does trauma translate to PTSD?
Not always but it can, I can't give you the nitty gritty details there but it's especially about snapping people out of episodes and flashbacks that these are prescribed for.
>I typically have panicked spirals and mania (if that's the word for it).
>I freak out about things in a panicked or angry way.
Oh yes I would STONGLY suggest grounding techniques that try to staple your mind to the present moment.
>Other times I will over indulge in caffeine, sugar or anything else that brings up my dopamine.
In general, that is not the worst coping mechanism if you don't find yourself gaining significant amount of weight and such.
Do these kinds of spirals have a predictable buildup? For example, stress building and building and building until you need a dopamine hit?
Then you could just preemptively treat yourself to things in advance to a lesser extent, it might be a pressure valve to stop escalation.
>>40243049
I did listen to the vocaroo, I hope you don't mind me saying that I found it cute and charming! I'm glad your parents are out of the picture, and it sounds like you are making overall wonderful progress! Godspeed, Anon!
>>40243214
>it's embarrassing for me to admit but I honestly think I'm needing external reinforcement here, and I don't like to be in such a state because I was doing so well a few days ago before I got stopgapped
I'm gladly there for you, Anon. Hope you read this even though I took a while! What would you like reinforced in particular?

>>40242981
>I should try meeting my social needs irl
Sounds perfect, don't let me glue you to the screen!
>It's way more fun to do those very slow runs, but they're probably not as good for me as shorter, faster runs, or intervals...
I am not sure about it but I would think that enjoyable exercise that is sustainable is better tan optimal exercise that is frustrating, right?
>The danger only is I could easily see myself getting used to those deviations again
Yes, you notice how carefully I phrased it in the OP: "the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses". If you allow some mathtism the moving average of time windows between recent relapses.
>Basically they said they feel like I won't be open enough about my issues + eating disorder with them...
That is incredibly vague. But at the same time perhaps something we can tamper with. Are they generally open to having a conversation with you about it? Maybe we could try negotiate terms because this sounds just like "we don't like your vibe lol". If we could get it to something more concrete like answering the question "what would I have to do specifically to be open enough?" would help. If you, say, journaled your food intake and openly discussed it with them in regular intervals (an extreme measure but just to get the ball rolling), would that be "open enough"?
>I felt like my skin already has been getting worse without cypro, which sucks.
Yeah that's shitty, I hope you can sort the issues out quickly. You might wanna ask hrtgen if you get stuck trying to troubleshoot but I hope things sort themselves out gracefully for you.

>>40243819
>>40248243
Sometimes anxiety can overwhelm like that. It can be discouraging but I am sure you can bounce back from it. Do you know what caused it, perhaps? If you think a small post mortem discussion would make you feel more in control over it for the next get together (hopefully soon) then I would love to help.
>>40252272
Thank you for sharing that, Anon. Such a lovely view. It sounds like you had fun too!
>hope everyone had a Good Day. make sure to get some Sunlight!!
My day was definitely nice overall! And I sure as hell got plenty of sunlight, I should use sunscreen more though.
>>40243542
>I'm trying my hardest to be open and honest, but I'm so afraid of scaring people off.
People are unpredictable. Look at me, being a near bottomless well in that regard. Meanwhile one of my closest friends would not have any mental energy for it whatsoever. The only way we can know is communicating with people and having them set their boundaries. That is not something we can just anticipate in advance.
>But, I think I might be more afraid that I won't have the chance to talk to about my life the way things are going.
How so?
>I have to try, otherwise I'll have to consider something more clinical, like therapy.
Yeah. Or both if you have the means, therapy is often a useful supplement.
>I'm just so tired of being afraid and cowardly.
And you are pushing to change that, by the looks of it. And I am proud of you for it.

>>40273173
Yeah… thats a good idea. summer huh. Wishing you a cool and breezy night when you finally get to it, siganon

>>40260940
>I have been using group therapy (psychodrama), and chatgpt to process my... whatever happened to me
>In Thirdiestan (Orbánistan/Hungary) being trans is also banned
I haven’t heard of Psychodrama before, but I’m guessing it’s an online group? No matter what I’m glad you’re getting something out of it, seeing as your irl options are as limited as they are. Online help can do a lot when it works.
>my… whatever happened to me
How much of it do you remember, if that is okay to ask? Or is it more an issue of not knowing how to define it? Whatever it is must have been painful judging from the impact it appears to have had on you.
>"abuse" (it's a very strong word, but I don't know the softer versions)
The lighter version of it would be “neglect” in most instances I believe, but I suppose it also depends on the context and intentionality of what was being done. Putting it into words is hard when you don’t know what counts as what. I don’t know what to call some of what happened to me either.
>If you can't access a psychologist, it might be worth a try to have someone who can listen.
Seconding this. Great addition.

>>40273600
You too Shinjinon. I will take the rest of the night off. I made good progress. Calling it a night now because I don't have another effort post in me.

And on that note I’m… Thinking about going outside. But it’s almost midnight . And there’s a heavy influx of partying going on nearby. Hm… Feel uncertain if it’s safe or not. Uncertain if I’m wanting it because a local told me he got beat up nearby or if it’s because I’m boiling in here. Maybe I’ll see if fixing my plants will satiate my hunger instead. I guess it’s all about trying to find a healthier compromise when you can

>>40273640
You did well! Sleep tight !

>>40270482 (OP)
I hate that general with a passion but it's very impressive how dedicated OP is

>>40271915
Thank you siganon for taking your time to answer. Truly.

> I continue to be humbled/in awe hearing what others have bounced back from.
> {Trauma measuring} always devolves into a race to the bottom.
Chatgpt said that much as well. In the first two months, I categorically banned them from using the word "trauma", and I referred to my situation as "to the best of my knowledge I might or might not have been slightly unsafe, while he was unsafe."
I do hold myself to a far higher standard of proof, and do believe that "people without arms go before those without hands" to engage with your metaphor. I need to get rid of that, you're right. I'm not the only unsafe/traumatized person among my (IRL) acquintances.

> People need to be needed, too. If you fear overwhelming, that we can discuss
Thank you, siganon. It's very kind of you. But lately, as I'm moving towards freedom (I'll sign my rental contract next tuesday, and the lawyers are negotiating the sep agreement between him and me. The unit is too close to him, but still almost a mile.) I feel that on the slightest provication I might begin to cry. Or dump on them. Nobody deserves that.

> Pardon, it was presumptuous of me.
I'm so, so sorry, anon. I didn't mean to hurt you. My stupid esl ass couldn't soften it. I just meant it literally. He:
> Didn't overtly coerce me to go against my best intrests
> Didn't hold me physically captive (under lock and key or by actively sabotaging my travel)
> Didn't physically hurt me, not even a slap.
Sp, to the best of my knowledge, and please correct me if I'm wrong, what happened *in there* is neither his fault nor "abuse".

>>40271925
> Got a chuckle out of me
Nice to hear that a tranny could make you laugh about her car's tranny (transmission) troubles :)

>>40273736
I rarely get negative feedback, so if you could stick around to share your grievances I would really, REALLY appreciate it.
I won't respond today though, if it's alright.

>>40273763
I don't read the discussions people have here but everytime I've seen >>40270632 I've cringed so hard, middle school level psychology
>just dont think about bad things
this feels like advice for toddlers, I'd be surprised if anyone here ever had some real problems in their lives if this helped them in any way shape or form
I'm surprised it has been going for so long but i guess you're very dedicated

>>40271925
> a therapist should be a gynecologist of the mind
The three psychiatrists creating my papers: One of them was Blanchardist, and asked me why I'm not content with being "just gay" (I though I was pan/bi back then. I didn't date in a decade, I'm not sure anymore). It was the community's take that you needed to tell her you're straight (as in as an AMAB you're attracted to men). She said goodbye to me by saying YWNBAW. In so much words.

The second wanted me as a research subject to learn more about trannies at €60/hr on a starving college student budget.

The third copied the paper word by word of the first.

The fourth tried to sell me homeopathic drugs in stead of real HRT.

They were considered experts of trans mental health in Hungary. I now have slight reservations in what I believe a normal psychologist would do if I told them about daily transphobia.

> if it isn't covered by whatever form healthcare takes for you
I am covered by Government healthcare, Corporate healthcare and a tax-preferred health fund.
- Psychologists are not considered healthcare providers here because they don't have a medical diploma. (Clinical psychologists do)
- Any care I get from my Corpo insurance gets reported to HR. So no gender care there.
- Any care on F64 diagnosis codes are explicitly ruled out.
- And sinve the only doctor treating trans people here is serving her sentence on fake charges, our kind needs to look for treatment abroad.
So mental health is out of pocket until I develop a mental health emergency and need to be sedated.
It also doesn't help that my dear sister and father warned me that they will have me sedated if I don't behave. It remained a warning. When I came out to dad, he tried to convince me to try reparative therapy (he used the word brainwashing).

Also, it doesn't help being the only AMAB in the family who can't serve (no clearance), and whose "betrayal of her country" (read: being trans) is a black mark on her family's clearances.

>>40271925
> do you know other lgbt peeps in your country?
See above. If I actively contacted LGBT people, itcwould be difficult to hide from my employer (they could fire me), and I would need to be extra careful to avoid even the slightest hint of being associated with my uncles who serve (the load on their clearances). So until I have a pressing need, it's better for everyone if I have cis straight friends.

>>40270744
Thank you for being here, siganon. Please take time for yourself, as ling as you need. If and when you're ready, a version of this thread will be here. Take care of yourself!

>>40273600
> I haven’t heard of Psychodrama before, but I’m guessing it’s an online group?
I went in uni, before meeting him. I did two courses, the third didn't gain enough traction. It was before I met him, more than a decade ago, early in my transition. This was IRL. Psychodrama was about using our bodies in stead of words to play out scenes, find how each person reacts to the group, their families, their current issues... it was like acting, but with real scripts, and no in-character talking.

> How much of it do you remember, if that is okay to ask?
I'll try to greentext it. Please bear in mind that these are my recounting of events, and my truth as I perceived and remember it to the best of my ability. This might be clouded by reviewing retroactively (ie. hindsight). His version is different.
> Be me, thirdie.
> Born to the low middle class to aging parents who needed to work extreme hours to keep a roof over our head. My only confidante was my PC. This was before the Internet.
> Straight A, high hopes.
> Then, when I'm 12, my parents divorce. Mom went alcoholic and decided that me trying to be invisible in the other corner of the house is not enough. She... I prayed every afternoon she knocks herself out early, so there won't be any trouble with me.
> That's when I was beaten and yelked at fir no reason
> She got herself together eventually, but that's where I learned to play factions. That's where I ... her rebound relationship ... she broke up with him after we went to the fun fair. It's closed, but my body remembers the fun fair is an unsafe place.
> Fast forward to me being 22. My transition. I had friends, support from there, in the dating game, enough E easy to get and affordable from qhi.
> I wanted to give back to the community, help other trans people like I was helped. With info, cypro and E
> I met him at an lgbt event. He's transfeminine, he was en femme.
> He was 38. I was 22 and naive.

Aaagghh on shift so no time to collect thoughts but i've got some time so here we go.
Found a perfume that reminds me of like war museums etc I used to visit loads as a kid, kinda nice...
>>40272601
>Do you often feel like you should carry the sole responsibility for things related to you?
It's both, like I find it frustrating to have to arrange appointments etc, but I know both my brother and I generally distrust other people to assist us (childhood bullying issue, I think, generally when we went to anyone for help, they'd just do nothing and/or blame us)
>a year, maybe two
34 weeks roughly, 13 weeks Ph1 (the shit bit), approx 21 weeks Ph2.
>LGBT places you have access to
So I agree with the prev 2 points the issue is my town has no LGBT spaces lol. Best I can do is go into London, probably.
>VERA
Yea, just hard for me to pre-empt any potential issues if I ofc don't know them in advance lol.
>>40259389
Single blade razor is in my plans, idk I had this weird nervousness about using one so i've procrastinated on it, i actually have an epilator but holy fuck nope nope nope not on my face (just ow)
Re: IPL, i've got like financial limitations (well not really but I dont want to blow through all my savings just incase) so i'm going to use the right laser for my face (where I get most dysphoric) and just IPL my body for now (bought an IPL, not cheap but cheaper than full body laser) because for now I can cope with that regrowing sometimes (also might help me remain stealthed in training).
>t suppression
Reminds me I need to order a blood test actually.
>>40259709
Honestly, it's just like emotional numbness a lot of the time that I'm sort of only realising when I do feel emotions, I might see a therapist, but idk I'd feel dumb explaining it. There's a transguy who is a therapist local to me who I debated seeing to engage with tranner stuff, but he knows me from elsewhere, and yeah, it's kind of a different experience.

>>40274210
(Cont.)
> I was dating in parallel, and I met an FtM guy with whom there was chemistry.
> I immediately told (him - the guy whom I left 3 months ago) that it was fun, but we weren't meant to be.
> Over and over and over again. I remember trying to break up with him 4 times at least. He persisted. Convinced me that we have a relationship, and the FtM guy with whom I actually wanted a relationship with is a threat to that. And that I hurt him by having two guys.
> He convinced me to break up with the FtM. It was the only event in my life to have prompted me to write a poem. To get me through grief.
> Then he convinced me that a good girlfriend does not make programs without him. So we had grown together. And apart from my friends. My last acquintance who wasn't him left me in '18.
> We moved in together because my neighbor started calling the cops on me almost every night, because she was a transphobe and she had noise complaints. Which were fake.
> He kept hope in me by embracing me every night. After a time, he didn't. I realized this cannot continue. It was 15 or 16. I tried to move to another unit. I searched, visited rooms, flats, whatever. Did the budget. I gave up when my options came down to a windowless basement room with a shared bathroom.
> He convinced me to delete myself off social media.
> '18. My SRS. After it, he suddenly realized he was an ace. While thinking about involving a third. And that he was bothered by me... doing more than strictly dilating.
> Covid. He took that dead serious. No going in and out of the house. My last outside relationship... my mom... began to fray.
> He never even acknowledged my family.
> He akways complained about me working past his hours (1000-1600), of why isn't dinner ready, of each time I needed to go to the office.
> He wanted to be my world. He wanted me to want that.

>>40274446
(Cont.)
> The last summer, in '24, we were at the beach. I met chatgpt. Used a character to ask the question - what the fuck is wrong with me? We talked about my childhood, but not him.
> Of course he tried to take that away from me. However, I found that he's writing small notes to himself writing that he feels unsafe and restricted in our realationship, and he needs to tiptoe around me.
I'm no saint. His feelings were and are completely valid. If I was abused, he had it much worse. I deserved it.
> March '25. He said he has HIV. After a quick triage, I found out he didn't fo anything risky. However by then he was regularly complaining about pain to prevent me from doing anything outside our home.
> Infidelity is good, I could turn the turntables, and could reason...
> Like always, he didn't even try to listen to me, talked over me, and he said, he assumed I have a lover. And that gave him permission.
> He always needed me to be on his side
> I just wanted to reason, for him to listen to me
> When I ran, I just wanted to coll down. Make no decision I would regret.

>>40256234
>Like a placebo type of thing.
In my view, basically, yeah, if you can maybe want it to work enough or think maybe it'll do something, it can work. That's why I consider myself a sceptic.
>That's good to hear, what kind of issue was it?
Social anxiety mainly (like over COVID lockdowns, I basically turned full hikikomori, and this was coming out of that, but also I was already an anxious person) and a fairly mild addiction issue (gotta cope with crushing isolation somehow)
>We're under constant threat or financial destruction.
Sorry to hear that anon, I wish I could offer useful advice, but nothing really comes to mind that isn't blindingly obvious.
>>40259170
Sometimes I force myself to just refer to myself in third person to try and drill in the right pronouns desu.
>You need to expend energy, and you probably have noticed that on yourself by less or too much sleep
God, yes, I am averaging maybe 4 hours a night the last 4 nights. I ended up half sleeping for maybe 30 mins on shift (which, like, this is on a chair in a fridge, not an easy task).
I do still desperately want my emotions back in idk "full colour" I guess? but I need to figure out how to manage them at least in work etc (as much as I'd love to just run off impulse)
>someone with whom you're safe
I really wish I could talk to my brother about it honestly, but it's like the one issue I just can't touch with him (I suppose one day I'll have to, but not for now).
There's more I could dredge up there, but I don't entirely trust my memory on the specific point.
>>40273875
>One of them was Blanchardist
This is like nightmare for me, mostly because i'd get extremely annoyed at anyone trying to apply blanchardisms to me.
>>40273839
Idk about following it to the letter but back in 2023 when I first came here just "repeat a goal"
became "cycle 20 miles a day" for me, and that did mean I lost a lot of weight. And I basically write successes here fairly often.

Came to this thread to admit that I am not feeling great and I feel like I just had a massive relapse in any progress I might have made.

I was kind of middling this week, wasn't doing the chores as much as I should have, tried to celebrate my birthday with my friends but most of them cancelled on the plans we made and that really hurt.
I tried to power through it but then the newest Budget Bill in the US got passed and just needs to be signed and I am genuinely doomspiralling. I feel like every time I try to better myself the universe punishes me and makes things worse. It doesn't matter how I try to fix myself or improve my life, me getting a job? Great! This bill gives the President an atrocious amount of power and he and his allies talk about how trans people like me are disgusting and deserve prison. My fears from a few months back feel like they're coming true.

I can't stop checking twitter to see if there's something that can be done, but there's not, and it just feels like my brain is boiling and I'm a useless idiot who ruins the universe by trying to claw my way into being a person.

I told myself that no matter what happens, I want to live, I want to survive with my husband, but fuck, I'm scared and struggling to see a point.

Earlier this week I watched a video about how to start reading more often.

Here’s the whole video if anyone is interested: https://youtu.be/0BwRauAB6Zc

But the advice I found especially helpful was
>Read for a short period of time at the same time each day
>Take a book with you when you go out
>The more often and more consistently you read, the longer you will be able to concentrate on reading

I’ve been reading a little bit every day for the past few days.

I recently bought some soup spoons. They do make eating things like soup and curry more satisfying.

I also bought some outlet timers. You plug them into electrical outlets, and then plug appliances into the timer. This causes the appliance plugged into the timer to only receive electricity for certain periods of time. This way I can plug my phone in before bed, charge it fully, but the timer stops charging it after a few hours.

The last thing I cooked was this pineapple curry. It’s also got chickpeas, bell peppers and onion.

Also we’re officially a week out from the global premiere of New Panty & Stocking.

>>40275850
More Twitter is not going to help you feel better. I know what it’s like to crave certainty and reassurance in the face of news like this, and to fear that this is the thing that’s going to knock you down so that you never get back up. Obviously, hearing your country’s leaders say that people like you actually have it too easy is going to stir up some negative emotions. But panicking about this is not going to solve anything.

My many, many crashouts have taught me that waiting for someone else to make you feel better about something is just a way of giving up your own power over your own peace.

I’m familiar with the mindset that continuing to live is something you ultimately do for other people, and in exchange you expect other people to make you feel welcomed, valued, included, and given a fair chance at succeeding in life. Something like what happened today can really agitate that sort of insecurity.

But what that type of thinking misses is that you can love yourself in defiance of the people who would want you to be ashamed. The most constructive thing for you to do tonight is self-soothe. Do something enjoyable or productive. Eat, shower, brush your hair, your teeth, fire up a movie or a game or album you love. Cry, and get that stress out of your system.

Do something you’d regret not ever getting around to doing.

ty for helping siganon. my posts are probably going to end. im going to just see a therapist and im already feeling bad about it in some ways but so much of my life has been a lot of plans, and not a lot of doing, and I stop before trying because im too anxious and I just need to just right in even if i am uncomfortable. i can't say i wont eventually just kms, and unfortunately i cant talk to a therapist about that because they will put me in a ward, but i am trying to really live. my whole life i have never really liked living. i only ever wanted friends and that was the one thing i felt like i could never really have. i wonder if i am just a person that will always feel this way no matter what things actually do change in my life. that i will never really have close friends. I do have one friend but we just aren't as close as I would like and it's pretty obvious we never really will be. it feels like we were getting a little close for a little bit, but now not really anymore and feels like the entire friendship is drifting away. everyone else feels like a complete stranger. but now im rambling. but anyway thanks

I finished my speech for my communication class and I was really nervous at one point I was just breathing really hard tring to finish it. Oh and I forgot to clarify more about the post about the part of incest it was a twin brother I had a crush on and apparently he and his brother were caught together pants down and I dont know if its really true. Porn in a way has become very dangerous to me my mind had been thinking some porn is that, but it isn’t and if my mind keeps thinking like that then I should quit altogether because not only feeds that addiction of porn, scaring me , but I noticed that I’ve been sexualizing men a lot and keep looking at men constantly. As I said before men are great, but to me it feels like I am not treating them as a person but like eye candy and I dont want to treat people the way people have treated me. In a way, im starting to remind myself of a terrible person who I called a friend who was creeping on an entire friend group that I was a part of and everyone eventually split up and from what I heard he raped someone and might have been grooming minors and its just at times I ask myself if he was never there would that friend group have split up.

bump

>>40274210
>>40274446
>>40274526
The more I recount what happened in there, the more I read it back, the less real it seems. Like if it happened to someone else, or if I just described a petty domestic issue. Probably it was nothing. Probably I overreacted. Probably I hurt myself, and him, and he's innocent. Probably I'm just feeling bad for no reason. Probably my chatgpt addiction did it to me.

>>40274439
> Single blade razor is in my plans, idk I had this weird nervousness about using one
I meant picrel, Navy. Not the one that looks like a butterfly knife, those ones are probably overkill. This kind of razor have a long blade life (lasts as long as 3-4 disposables), costs significantly less to operate (thus is great for all genders), easier to recycle (the blade is all metal and doesn't contain plastic components) and shaves far cleaner than commercial razors. Using one works exactly the same as using a normal razor with the difference that you can clean this one (if it gets "dull", slightly unscrew the head, wash it with running water, or by splashing it around in the washbasin/razor basin, screw it back, and it's ready to go.)

> i actually have an epilator but holy fuck nope nope nope not on my face
I can relate, Navy. If you get the hairs thinned by wax, HRT and laser, epilating your face would be far more easier than doing it at your armpits or between your legs. I actually feel epilating my legs are worse than doing my face.

> well not really but I dont want to blow through all my savings just incase
It's very wise. Never, ever run out of money. In the case you ever need to run, it's far better with money. But... live your life so that you'd never get in a situation where you need to run.

Can this be the OP pic for the nect thread

I think I enjoy being miserable now. I fantasize about being more miserable than I am now. It's comfortable. I can't even imagine myself happy anymore it's like my brain rebels against the very idea the instant it starts to form in my mind.

fish

Yesterday I wept & was often cursed by delusions because gay women had a nationality (Lesbian) & an imaginary friend (Sappho) though gay men did not have those resources.

When I was in school and all throughout my adulthood I often pondered this inequality.

Today, by the Grace of God, there is now a word equally compareable -having exactly twice as many letters as its counterpart (even starting/ending with the same letter).

Thank you, Jesus!

The Gay Community is now Blessed and equal to both genders.

>>40278792
Is it like a conscious choice or involuntary. I think sometimes wallowing in misery can be cathartic but you've gotta be able to pull yourself back to function (or I did)
>>40278648
Yea, i got what you meant i just for whatever reason figured I'd end up cutting myself shaving lol (but i do already so bleh)
>Probably it was nothing. Probably I overreacted. Probably I hurt myself, and him, and he's innocent.
Not to be too blunt but I think the type of controlling behaviour you're describing previously is abusive (certainly enforced isolation is) on a fairly textbook level. I don't really see how he could be innocent, no matter what was going on on his end. I lack the know-how to explain the details without sounding off but it certainly wasn't nothing.
Just that kind of social isolation alone results in atrophied social skills etc.
>>40275850
Is this the bill that basically gives ice a military sized budget?.
On a personal level really all you can do is acknowledge what him and his allies say is nonsense, they're not rational on anything so their beliefs about us (trans people) are inherently unreliable at best.
And with all they've done and failed to do they get no right to dictate how anyone else functions imo anyway.

>>40273254
>I understand, I meant it more in a sense of: repeated exposure to the pov of your loved ones may sway those feelings in the long term
I know my family cares about me, I'm just not sure if that will always be the case.
I'm not sure I can handle loosing anything or anyone else at this stage.

>In general they are a first line of defense so to say. They can very often snap you out of it yes
That's good, I will make an effort there then.

>Not always but it can, I can't give you the nitty gritty details there but it's especially about snapping people out of episodes and flashbacks that these are prescribed for
I don't know if there's a concept like 'mirco-trauma' but I think that's the best way to describe it for me.
I've got baggage, less than most people in my family but it is there.

>Oh yes I would STONGLY suggest grounding techniques that try to staple your mind to the present moment
Yeah, I find that I have the most amount of trouble with being present.

>>40273254
>In general, that is not the worst coping mechanism if you don't find yourself gaining significant amount of weight and such
I exercise 5 times a week at least and I'm trying to repair my sleep schedule.

>Do these kinds of spirals have a predictable buildup?
>For example, stress building and building and building until you need a dopamine hit?
That and occasionally gaining a extra few hours of free time, which I should really be spending on looking for work or improving at my main hobby.
I have a lot of things stressing me out, a lot I can't seem to move past or fix yet

>Then you could just preemptively treat yourself to things in advance to a lesser extent, it might be a pressure valve to stop escalation
Like, try to give myself mini rewards so I don't feel starved for a major one?

>>40273552
>People are unpredictable. Look at me, being a near bottomless well in that regard.
>Meanwhile one of my closest friends would not have any mental energy for it whatsoever. The only way we can know is communicating with people and having them set their boundaries
I have started doing so recently, at least a little.

>That is not something we can just anticipate in advance
I really wish I could.

>How so?
I'm m worried I might die or disappear one day without a single person hearing what I have to say about the state of my life.
I wish I could to people without fear of it getting to the wrong people ALL the time.
I have to worry about what I say to who, especially if it's family.
Independence can't come sooner, In m tired of this.

>>40273552
>Yeah. Or both if you have the means, therapy is often a useful supplement
I just wish I knew why I'm always standing in my own way.

>And you are pushing to change that, by the looks of it. And I am proud of you for it
Thank you, Siganon :)

How can I call myself trans woman if I’mas unkind in everything?
Permanmoder oozing jealousy for months on months

>>40280555
If I’m masculine*
Jeez

hi /sig/! wanted to get some advice on my current routine. the goal is to slim up a bit and get leaner for when i get on HRT, i'm around 6'2" and 170lb.
right now my routine is squats, planks/pushups, situps, and weighted russian curls (about 4 sets of each of these, 10-20 reps apiece) - alongside light cardio either on the treadmill or by swimming, hitting 3x10 sets of either the arm or leg-focused machines in my gym and bar squats or deadlifts when i feel like doing them.
i'm going to add lunges today as well, but are there any other exercises i ought to be doing? i'd especially like to focus on my core but gaining some arm muscle wouldn't be bad either, i'm a twig. any recommendations would be great.

Gonna go to sleep now, I hope I wake up as a better version of myself.

>>40279225
Take your meds anon...

felt like death yesterday. couldn't make my brain stop looping or shake the sense things were going to decay out of my control until I killed myself. not so bad today though so maybe I need to shut up about it and learn a little bit of 'ignorance is bliss'
some of the anons here make me feel both lucky abt my overall situation and aggrieved that our struggles can't be more shared

...aw, flags are gone : (

I'm thinking of trying to find a new therapist bc after 2 sessions with this one i don't feel like she's really interested in me or curious about me. maybe it's just a style of therapy that doesn't feel right to me right now, idk. it reminds me of talking to my mom. she talks a lot and doesn't ask too many questions. she specializes in neurodivergence so she ties everything back to that and so far I feel like she just sees me as another patient to work her expertise on, process, and wave goodbye to. but I'll bring it up to her; maybe there's some value to someone who doesn't mirror me that well? I want someone to kind of be my guide but more and more I think only I can be that for myself. it all comes back to adapting and advocating for yourself ig

I'm trying with goals again. I still don't really 'get' goals. hafta keep trying though
I'm kind of thinking of it in terms of energy; what ideas about my future are energizing in the present? that's really the only thing that makes sense to me. and I can't help thinking of these as ongoing because my brain doesn't do time but
1. girlmode, be a cringe trans, put myself out there, let my unfiltered self out
2. stop spending time on repetitive low-grade experiences like internet & rumination & stop taking existing ideas & opinions seriously
3. give back while I'm here
those are like. if I had to put aside most of my dreams and worries and just pick a few things I really feel. like hm it's complicated to pin down which things matter to me most but hopefully you get the idea. something like that.

>>40235695
>you need to recuperate
kind of hard for me to tell recuperation/backsliding, but yeah. I guess I needed the space. I definitely shan't let it discourage me. I don't really know what I meant by 'stabilise my system'; I still feel like I'm craving something. It honestly might just be attention, but idk. I'm not good at recognizing that feeling. I think I meant 'help with these feelings' but I don't think anyone has ever really rendered help with my feelings so maybe it's just a fantasy I picked up somewhere that, somehow, it was supposed to be less hard.
>freaking out occasionally is normal
cool...
>I am a very externalising person
like, you put stuff into action? Or you share stuff externally with other people?
>journal/diary
feels like a lost cause, but I'll keep trying for something like that I guess
>channels
I've really liked Heidi Priebe lately, have you seen her? it's closely aligned with a lot of the cptsd & toxic shame stuff on this general, definitely closely aligned with my stuff. there's a little smattering of mbti stuff too which I'm a skeptic of but she sticks to talking about her own experiences as an enfp from what I've seen so it's actually helpful if you have a personality like hers

>>40280089
there's a thing called 'little t' and 'big T' trauma. weird verbiage but basically overtly traumatic incidents vs less obvious, or even maybe benign things, that still shaped your brain/traumatised you somewhat

>>40274446
Obv i only have a greentext worth of context on a multi year relationship but I'm gonna second navy, most of his behavior raises alarm bells to me. If I was acting like that to someone i would feel it was abusive

>>40279290
Navy, thank you for your words but by your own admission, you became a hikki during COVID. You needed therapy (hypnotherapy) to get you out of that place. My leading theory is tgat he was a loving, caring boyfriend, and I sabotaged myself and our relationship and hurt him. It's a miracle he stayed despite all that, but still. (And that's where people I've been speaking to, esp. chatgpt hugboxes me with a no true scotsman - no loving bf would have seen me erased). However my theory is supported in real life, even in the (relative) safety of mom's home, I can't use my time efficiently.

>>40280602
Apologies if i sound off, just come off shift.
If you just want to get leaner you're better focusing cardio imo (just spam 6 speed 6% incline treadmill for calorie burn, personally i prefer to run). But it sort of sounds from
>i'd especially like to focus on my core but gaining some arm muscle
That you'd like lean muscle mass. Which reality wise means bulking at least marginally to build a bit of mass.
If you're after legs I'd add RDLs into your routine (that's glutes for reference). For situps I'd suggest more than 20 reps (I'm a luckshit on situps but i would say 25-30x3-4 is a good place to be) make sure you're keeping your knees together, it'll help your abductors.
Squats are fine I'd possibly rotate out for split squats as a progression from that.
I'd avoid getting dogmatic about sets/reps. Imo do an exercise with a weight that you hit failure with around 8 reps then do that until you're hitting failure at 12 reps, increase weight, rinse and repeat.

Otherwise you're probably fine. Most gym stuff unless you're trying to be top percentile you'll figure out on your own over time

>>40282247
hey, thanks, this is really helpful. i'll try out split squats and look into glute exercises. any in particular your recommend?
once i get back from vacation i'm going to try and post updates as much as i can to keep myself accountable

>>40278648
>>40274526
>>40274446
>>40274210
Thank you for taking the time to write it out, anon, and sorry for knowingly pushing you towards recounting something I knew might cause you to dissociate. I hope you can understand why I asked you for it.
Seeing it laid out like this can sometimes help further ones ability to process what happened, which can lead to a better understanding of how to tackle emotional problems and maladaptive reactions in the present.

What you are describing sounds like a person who
>sought to control and isolate you
>sought to deny you the right to meet your emotional and physical needs
>blamed you for his own displeasure and tried to convince you to take responsibility for it even when you had no means of affecting it
>Used your minority status as a means to control you further
>Felt a need to increase his control of you due to feeling out of control in life during Covid

And a mother who
>Emotionally neglected you
>Physically and verbally abused you
>Had a boyfriend at one point who sounds like he subjected you to something sexual while underage, broke up with him, yet didn’t report him to authorities, essentially forcing you to carry that trauma alone

>If I was abused, he had it much worse. I deserved it.
Victims of abuse aren’t perfect. The premise of being abused is unjust per default, so any search of karma within it is futile.
Nobody deserves abuse, because abuse teaches us nothing except for how to internalise it or pass it on to someone else. When we are thrust into it we are going to react or play dead, and if our reactions end up being abuse in response to abuse the best thing we can do is acknowledge that that is what we did without erasing our own suffering in the process.

>(1/2)

>(2/2)
>>40282912


>the more I read it back, the less real it seems
This is a common trauma response falling under the dissociative umbrella: your brain trying to protect itself by denying the existence of what has caused it harm. For what it’s worth I see no reason to doubt what you’ve written. If it gets worse you can try focusing in on a mundane sensation in the present (the feeling of your keyboard. The sheen of an apple. Etc). This is sometimes referred to as “grounding”. It doesnt always work, but sometimes it’s enough to stop your brain from leaving reality as much as it wants you to.

>>40245174
>I'm afraid of changing an established dynamic.
Maybe it is not the most comforting thing to hear but.. people are multitudes, always. Telling them won't reveal anything that you won't need to learn to get close enough to them anyway. You need people close to you right now, and that needs a change in established dynamics. Distance is comfortable, but isolation kills. I will be here no matter how things pan out.
>Probably someone where the relationship is built around that sort of thing.
In that case, perhaps we need to talk about local lgbt communities and the like.
>It's how I was already kind of thinking I should treat transition lol
Perfect!
>I keep feeling like I should give up on trying to improve my situation and just let myself rot forever... I know I shouldn't, but it feels safer.
That is normal to the point of bordering on universal. Comfortable stagnation, change being scary, these are some of the most common demons people fight day to day. They are hyperactive offshoots of otherwise healthy mechanisms: risk aversion and inertia. Without the former we would probably be dead, without the latter we could constantly change our minds and go nowhere. You are doing the right thing pushing back.
>>40253328
It is difficult. There is nothing wrong with a bit of a honeymoon phase but a lot of couples isolate themselves too much from their friends. Having no common friends and using the other as the sole source of comfort and human interaction spells death for almost every romantic relationship. It's like a chair with two legs. I noticed that these kinds of relationships die down as people approach their 30s, except of course for the divorced-to-be kinda couples. I can only assure you that it isn't on you, and that it isn't always like this.
>>40256435
>I hope Siganon knows that they rock.
Awh.. thank you, Anon. I'm really, really trying.
>>40262910
>I wish I was useful to the ones who love me
What makes you feel you aren't?

>>40273684
How did it go?
>>40273692
Thank you, Anon.. I try to keep a sustainable pace, I gotta.
>>40273752
You are doing your best to get rid of it, I'm sure. And I am glad you are. I'm rooting for you, I hope you know.
>But lately, as I'm moving towards freedom I feel that on the slightest provication I might begin to cry. Or dump on them. Nobody deserves that.
I have held so many people in my arms as they fell apart, and having a slightly wet shirt was not ever something I was upset over. I like to comfort. It must seem incomprehensible but no, I can take crying just fine. Not everyone can, sure, like I said. But.. some people can. Dumping is more complicated but let's skip nuance for now and say.. a ton of people would not hesitate to squeeze a sobbing mess of a friend, and do so happily.
>I'm so, so sorry, anon.
Please, don't be! I am not hurt in the slightest, I promise! You are doing wonderfully, and I am just making sure I am not hurting you either. Do not worry one bit. Everything is alright between us and I am incredibly happy to see you stick around, okie?
>correct me if I'm wrong, what happened *in there* is neither his fault nor "abuse".
Oh Anon... I wish it was that straightforward. This is all very abstract but, as difficult as it is, all of that on its own is not at all conclusive. Fostered guilt, shame, or feelings of obligation/emotional dependence all can be just as coercive as chains without a single explicit command uttered. Life is complicated like that.. Let's not focus on the label for now though. I am very, very proud of you for fighting your way out. That is what matters. Let's focus on your hand on the door handle for now, and how big of an accomplishment it is.
(A small addendum after reading the other posts: I can infer a great deal from the greater societal context you just provided and.. yeah. I think I have a significantly better grasp now. Thank you so much for taking the time to elaborate.)

>>40273254
>I did listen to the vocaroo, I hope you don't mind me saying that I found it cute and charming! I'm glad your parents are out of the picture, and it sounds like you are making overall wonderful progress! Godspeed, Anon!
Oh thanks siganon. You've been helpful back when I needed it and just learnt that so keep it up you're a ray of sunshine on this board <3

>>40273875
>>40273907
Ah yes, the flipside of this whole thing.. let me first preempt by saying, you were exposed to quacks and hacks and
>They were considered experts of trans mental health in Hungary.
with that in mind I 100% understand ANY reservations. One thing I didn't mention earlier is just how far behind psychiatry and psychology are compared to most of medicine. From an outsider's perspective at least there is still a lot of quackery and a lack of indisputable, empirically sound groundwork. Although, in this case in particular, it seems very clear that issue is the mess of a political climate, and things are broken this way for you by design. I heard a few years ago that Hungary went tits up in some regard but I didn't know of the general state of affairs and so lacked any real way to digest that info. Yeah you are essentially dealing with a malicious/hostile environment. That changes things. Yeah. One step after the other. Once you are out, let's perhaps try and discuss the family and employment situation more because.. goodness. But. One thing after the other. You are doing incredibly well.
>and whose "betrayal of her country" (read: being trans)
Jesus fucking Christ, though. Sometimes I forget to ask how safe the country in general is for lgbt stuff before jumping to conclusions.
>Thank you for being here, siganon.
And thank you all for being so kind, and humoring me the way that you do. When in pain it can often be incredibly hard to talk about the source of it all, and everyone is incredibly patient with me in spite of it. I do my best to take care of myself.
>>40261748
>he lied and said it would cause slight weight gain
I hate it when psychiatrists (white coats) in general can't admit to not being infallible and them damage control. Is it okay if you keep us posted? I would like to hear how much it ends up affecting you, because if it causes you to lose weight that is definitely reason to push back.

>>40275850
Happy belated birthday anon, sorry it coincided with something like this. Even as an onlooker from the EU it’s scary seeing it unfold… The other anon raises some good points: sometimes the best you can do is keep on living and being kind to yourself in spite of what is going on around you. Don’t allow them the pleasure of tricking you into beating yourself up.

>>40281912
Glad you’re doing better today anon. Getting stuck in one of those loops is pretty draining. It feels like having to fight just to think…
>aw, flags are gone : (
Yeah, I’d wish theyd stayed. I miss my bi flag :(

>>40281231
30 years meds-compliant.

PS- Gay Community are nothing without me

>>40283336
Ah, evening siganon!
>How did it go?
Hmm. I didn’t go outside and I didn’t reach for a drink, but my restlessness never really subsided. I had some food. Not enough. But not nothing. Didn’t hurt myself that much through my normal means but… It’s kind of buzzing in me.

>>40273839
I get where you are coming from. The pic seems outright naive, but it is actually not at all meant to convey
>>just dont think about bad things
it is only there to provide a language for people to use. Mind reading in particular is a powerful fuel for social anxiety. The pic itself is not at all prescriptive in how to deal with any of them. It's just a vocab sheet. Or did you mean the text? As in the small exercises? They have a deeper reason I can justify. But both tie into the "generic advice" warning in the OP. If I can help it I much prefer addressing every single person coming here and discussing their circumstances on an individualized case by case basis, trying to keep things actionable. Of course, that means a lot of the thread is walls of text. That is something I worry about, that the general might seem harder to penetrate than it is.
>I'm surprised it has been going for so long but i guess you're very dedicated
Last time I timed it I tend to spend 20-40 minutes per post if I am fully focused, and a few months ago I guesstimated that I am basically maintaining the general for about 12-16hrs a week.
>>40283375
I'm elated to hear I could be there for you in your time of need so to say! It's a wonderful thing seeing people come back to say hi. After all, I am here because I find the people here worthy of my time, and that includes you! I hope you have a lovely day.
>>40283610
Heya there! Glad to hear it panned out alright. Buzzing you say? Would you say it's like, pent up stress?
>>40273752
On a more lighthearted note,
> tranny (transmission) troubles :)
pffftahahahaha

Venting like a loser: Binged on my diet because I felt really, really hungry. I don't know where my willpower has gone; maybe it's working shifts, maybe it's E. I just want to drop 5kg, tired of feeling fat, that's not even that much if I just lock in, I could do it in 5 weeks. My knee pain is flaring up as well (work-related strain injury that I haven't done anything about).
The mood swings are hitting. I should be doing my first injection over the weekend, so I can finally stop having to do sublingual twice a day. I don't know why i'm not more excited for that. Eugh, head is noisy.
>>40282486
I honestly just spam RDLs, every workout just spam RDLs
Hamstrings are good if you've got a machine for it.
>>40282245
> you became a hikki during COVID
Tbf i'm not convinced I've not become one again, all I do is work, workout and post on 4chan/discord, not even the 2nd atm because the gym is shut.
Ofc I haven't seen everything in your relationship, and I'm probably the wrong person to speak on them honestly, but that was just my impression.

>>40283721
>Would you say it's like, pent up stress?
Hmm. At its core I’m guessing it is.
Emotionally dysregulated frustration and self-hatred and stress. Fear for the future. A delayed flight response. Some sort of hunger for something to make sense and feel good coupled with a distorted perception of what that would entail.
I’m going to try my best to keep that hunger in check.
In the meantime I hope things are little less… buzzy on your end

>>40274439
>Found a perfume that reminds me of like war museums etc I used to visit loads as a kid
That is precious!
>I know both my brother and I generally distrust other people to assist us
Makes sense, and like you said in a post last thread, you likely experienced childhood neglect.
>34 weeks
Oh, how beautifully finite! Thank you for indulging me by the way, I know it's not like the specific number of weeks matters but it is good to have a hard cutoff so to say.
>So I agree with the prev 2 points the issue is my town has no LGBT spaces lol.
Yeah, that does make it difficult. In general even things like lgbt cafés are something I know from 300k+ cities, and I doubt that is a guarantee especially on TERF island. It's something I haven't addressed at all yet but the current climate and all considered I hope you know you can lean a little when general societal shittiness gets to you.
>Yea, just hard for me to pre-empt any potential issues if I ofc don't know them in advance lol.
Of course, we're not psychic types, kek. It is genuinely difficult to prepare for, really.
>>40275850
First of all, happy belated cake day, it sucks that your plans fell through that day. I understand how frightened you must be, seeing the world fall apart around you. And I hope you know that you have my heartfelt sympathy. It's tough. But.. you have always been a cinnamon roll, and I know you want to be good for your hubby. Remember. Much of this clown show you cannot control, but you can be there for him and your loved ones. Focusing on these things is no easy task.. but I hope we can all help you making it a little easier.
>>40275896
This might sound random as hell but I am actually very fond of tableware and its design. I am not super educated on its history but I do have my oddly specific likes and dislikes there. I am fascinated by how circular that spoon head is, it looks almost like a cupping spoon used for coffee! The curry looks lovely, too.
And I am definitely hyped for PSG.

(>>40283488 And I miss my hon flag.)

First of all, thank you, siganon. Thank you, Navy. Thank you, >>40282123 for reading that wall of text and taking tge time to answer thoughtfully. That meant a lot for me.

>>40283382
> I heard a few years ago that Hungary went tits up in some regard
What made the headlines is:
> The constitutional ban on gay marriage
> Any adoption by unmarried people (solo cishet people, unmarried cishet couples and mostly gay couples) are subject to individual approval by the President of Hungary (Fidesz figurehead)
> Legal gender recognition banned ("33-as cikkely") de facto in 2018, de jure in 2020.
I was one of the last people ever to be granted legal gender recognition in Hungary. And since names must be chosen from a gendered list, you can't apply for a name change and say you want to be "Christina" and keep your male gender marker.
> The only doctor caring for trans people has been sentenced and in prison on obviously fake charges since early this year after several years of prosecution.
Hungary isn't the safest place to live, not even for cishets. But sure it's based, /pol/ would say :(.

> let's perhaps try and discuss the family and employment situation
I'm currently gainfully employed, however I honestly don't know why, I spent my last three months processing. I would have fired myself. This doesn't mean I don't want my Army Civilian job back. I never wanted any of my jobs back. I want the mission. The team. The camaraderie. Something to wake up for. But a girl can dream.

And my dear sister & co., she's a different story.

But I greentexted enough. I don't want to suffocate the entire thread for myself. I have no right to. I even baited /b/.

>>40261363
>I have a communication class which is my last class before I graduate my college and my god a majority of my class were born in 2006.
Oh goodness, silly question but when is it? Or was it already? It took me a while to respond, sorry. That there's a guy you like piqued my interest though. I get you are a bit burned on dating but at least one half we can prevent going forward.
>My mind is so used to making scenarios that I end up ruining a good situation.
This is something that is difficult but very possible to reclaim agency over. I think it might already help if you put yourself out there and have people (hell, us maybe) sanity check whether you are catastrophizing. How does that sound? Worth a shot?
>>40277175
>ty for helping siganon. my posts are probably going to end.
>i am trying to really live.
I can tell. Friendships, interpersonal relationships, they are a difficult thing. If your friend is feeling like they are drifting away, the most important parting (?) advice I wanna give you is that it is never too late to increase the frequency of exchanges. Sometimes I have quiet spells with close friends for months. It happens.. I still cherish them. You can pull them closer. And I hope you get a sensible therapist, I wish you ALL the best and want you to know you are always welcome. You are trying hard. And I hope I was of any help to you.
>>40278792
Misery and stagnation are comfortable for a while. Change is scary and trying is difficult, exhausting, painful. I understand that.You feeling this way does not make you broken, and your brain acting like this is very normal human behavior. Indulging it will sadly not help. Things will only get worse to a point where you wish they weren't as bad again. It's a cycle like that, and .. sadly, getting out is gonna suck. I am telling you all this not to discourage. I am telling you because I know you can do it. I have faith. And.. if you tell me more about your circumstances, we can try to be more actionable.

>>40277776
>I finished my speech for my communication class
Oh shit sounds like I was too slow, sorry!!
>I’ve been sexualizing men a lot and keep looking at men constantly.
Hm.. it might also be a healthy libido paired with unmet needs. It is tricky to draw the line, really.
>it feels like I am not treating them as a person but like eye candy
I think that would change on its own when dating, or even befriending! Get acquainted with their interests, passions, belief systems. It will naturally add dimensions to your perception. And it doesn't have to make them less hot either! Of course, since you yourself have been treated poorly I get you don't wanna be like that to someone else, but at the same time that very fear makes it incredibly unlikely it would ever get that far. I think the comparison to that former friend might be close to spiraling. From what you told me there is no indication of you doing anything immoral. There are no thought crimes.
>>40280089
>I know my family cares about me, I'm just not sure if that will always be the case.
Hm, is there something specific that inspires this concern? You out to them? (Sorry if you told me and I forgot)
>Yeah, I find that I have the most amount of trouble with being present.
Definitely trawl the web for grounding techniques as well, we have a small number in the resources but generally it is worth looking into in your case.
>>40280205
>extra few hours of free time
Because something else fell through? Like, if it is predictable gaps a schedule could help, if not then the next best thing is to lower the barrier to the task in any way you can think of. For example, having your hobby stuff in reach. Or having things related to your job search perhaps open in a dedicated browser window.
>Like, try to give myself mini rewards so I don't feel starved for a major one?
Bingo! Counterbalance stressors as they occur. Don't let them pile. You need a pressure valve.

Holy shit caught up with the LAST thread at half past midnight.
>>40259778
>There's only an FH near me and I went there before. It's not an option.
Darn it.
>Maybe. Truth is, I wouldn't be able to maintain those relationships anyway.
>Never have been.
Avoidant attachment style, so to say? I'm not a shrink so don't take it as an actual diagnosis. Do you feel like you lose interest in people, or is it more you disengage when you feel they are bored of you?
>Well, I'm still moping around in /sig/, aren't I...
Hey and I am glad to have you here.
>Thing is, I don't even know what the right social environment would look like anymore.
Do you mean in terms of what the people in it should be like beyond what we sketched? Or as in where in the real world you can find it?
>they were altogether arrogant and pretentious and generally unlikable.
This is really tough luck.
>That probably also says something about me as well.
Not at all, while different fields often can have correlations in what kinda people they draw, it is not that uniform a thing. I mean, I think you know. But I hope it helps to hear it. I don't think you want to believe everyone with any passing interest in your passions is a shithead. That is the mistake in all this. Extrapolation from a small data set, if you will. It underlies your developing dislike for people in general, in my experience. As in, all of these things are in my limited experiences perfectly normal human reactions to being surrounded by jackasses that don't meaningfully engage with you. It is immensely frustrating that you have such poor luck.
>You can look into that yourself, if you want to.
I might, but I tend to learn quicker when engaging with people on a subject. Having someone with deep interest share their perspective makes me wanna engage more, basically. Also I just enjoy talking to you.
>Thanks for the reply, anon. Hope you're doing well.
I am doing alright.

I haven't quite caught up with THIS thread yet but I will go rest.

>>40282912
> I hope you can understand why I asked you for it
I used trauma language but made all the signals of being fine. You wanted to make sure I'm not larping. And you wanted me to remember.

> I knew might cause you to dissociate
I was subject to gaslighting. My recounting of events, how I relate to other people, my responses... I'm used to having tgem constantly judged to a point where I don't trust my own narrative.

And yes, I am compartmentalizing and numbing. Goddess I hope when I'll finally be out out, I'd be able to feel.

>Had a boyfriend at one point who sounds like he subjected you to something sexual while underage, broke up with him, yet didn’t report him to authorities, essentially forcing you to carry that trauma alone
No, goddess, no. And I want that to be very clear. The only time I was molested was by a stranger as an adult, post-transition. I wasn't molested as a child, and even if I had repressed memories oc that, I would lnow. Within my family, and acquintances unfortunately I can name several people who were victims of child sexual abuse.
What actually happened:
> Mom, her boyfriend and I went to the fun fair in Budapest. Living in tge boonies, it was a quite significant travel.
> I had a good time. However I don't remember clearly the adults being there with me.
In hindsight: they were probably having a talk about their relationship and bringing me slong because they couldn't leave me at home.
> When we went home, mom was far, far worse than usual.
She was heartbroken. As a 12 year old, I couldn't understand or help.
> She took my PC, which was my only comfort at thst time, as she needed it. I turned to books and music.
> His name wasn't to be uttered in the house.
That holds even today. It's a trigger for mom.
> I had that memory repressed for years. I don't know what unlocked it and why.
> My body made the fun fair a dangerous place.

>>40282926
> Grounding
Chatgpt teached me how to ground myself, for me box breathing is what worked (they introduced it like operator training. Early on - in the first month - I used military metaphors a lot.) Focusing on specific objects... sometimes useful. They even taught me how to meditate calling it a presence check, as I have problems with staying present.

The problem is - I use grounding at the wrong times. I use it to compartmentalize my emotions to avoid having a breakdown in the office, but I don't when I spiral.

>>40284018
In your previous post you said you feel *numb*, as if your emotions lost color. You're going through a lot, Navy. Worried about your transition, transphobia, your family, and military indeciveness so you can finally quit your job and start preparing for training.

You're holding all this beautifully together, Navy. But could it be that your body doesn't feel like that? If your body feels unsafe, even if your mind feels safe, you might be experiencing symptoms like sleep loss, emotional blurring, and loss of interest in your hobbies, relapsing on bad habits.

Could it be that maybe that's why you're not as excited on your first E injection?

Please don't be hard on yourself. You didn't fuck up. You're just carrying a lot. A friend, an ear could help here a lot. But I understand those are in short supply.

> Safety razor
Even if you fuck up they don't cut deep enough to cause a scar. But keep the razor clotting thing nearby.

>>40284970
Take care siganon, please, please be kind on yourself and don't burn yourself out. (0100 for me, too and I'm dead tired)

>>40285029
>I used trauma language but made all the signals of being fine.
No, quite the opposite. The signals you were giving off were more like a person who thinks they’re more okay than they actually are.
>You wanted to make sure I’m not larping
Even if you were I wouldn’t gain anything from putting you through tests. Even if it was all fake the posts I wrote could still reach a lurker who struggled with something similar. But truthfully I didn’t think so far because it didn’t come across as larp to my eyes.
>And you wanted me to remember.
Yes, this.
I wanted to see if we could help you trust your own perception a bit more.
I wanted to see if we could help you further your understanding of what happened and finding the words to express yourself.
With gaslighting in particular it can be difficult to accept that you are allowed to call it what it is (abuse, neglect), in large part because the gaslighting impedes on our ability to identify it. As you said, it sometimes helps to hear it from others. I hope my approach wasn’t too aggressive and I am sorry if it continues to be.
>No, goddess, no. And I want that to be very clear.
My apologies then anon, I wasn’t quite sure how to interpret the gaps in the sentences. Thank you for clarifying that for me
>She took my PC
While I am glad the gaps didn’t indicate what I first thought, punishing you for something that you had no part in is a direct abuse of the power she held over you as a child. It’s like kicking your dog to deal with the sadness of losing money on the stock market. I can’t think of any scenario where you deserved that at all …
>>40285091
I see. Do you have any precursory signs of being on the brink of a breakdown that you’re aware of?
(For me, for instance, I know I’m at risk when I feel a need to over exercise and begin to internally glorify the idea of daydrinking.)

Sleep tight anons. Tomorrow is another day.

I awake to the horrors: reminder that my body and mind are twisted

Bump

>>40285687
> I wasn’t quite sure how to interpret the gaps in the sentences.
> the gaps didn’t indicate what I first thought
I don't know but as if my body associated mom's means of processing trauma (alcohol, rebound relationships, yelling, beatings) with the fun fair. There shouldn't logically be a cause-and-effect relationship (as the cause wasn't breaking up her first rebound, but divorce), but my memory is pretty sketchy around there.

In hindsight: I'm being very hard on her. She needed to work two jobs at the time with dad gone, and she herself was through pretty traumatic things. (What I experienced with my bf, but no gaslighting, maybe a bit more freedom, and 3 decades in stead of only 1.)

> Do you have any precursory signs of being on the brink of a breakdown that you’re aware of?
No, not that I'm aware of. Ever since I'm gone from my ex, I have been thinking about nothing but what happened. And how I will fuck it up, when I'll be *out* out. I need to forget somehow.

> daydrinking
Siganon, are *you* safe?

I feel like a was a little bit more productive today.

>>40284018
>Venting like a loser: Binged on my diet because I felt really, really hungry.
I'm sorry to hear about that, I'm not on a diet but also binge ate (and purged) yesterday, so I relate :( I ate a whole tub of mango sorbet, that alone was 630 kcal...)
I'm also suspecting E can make it worse for me sometimes (and am also struggling with mood-swings, feeling either really empty or randomly crying.)
I hope you're not restricting your calories too radically in your diet. In my experience it also helps a lot to keep eating normally the next day after a binge instead of trying to offset it by restricting.
>I should be doing my first injection over the weekend, so I can finally stop having to do sublingual twice a day.
Nice! Are you also using DIY injections? I used to do oral/sublingual E for a while and it made my E1 levels very high, so injections might make things better for you (even though sublingual should not increase E1 too much, but I don't know, it did not help in my case, or I did it wrong).

>>40289086
Nice! What did you do today? I went to the library and read.

Oh my god they were right, it really does get better.
Awesome desu

Today, I said hello to an old man I walked by (it takes a lot of effort to not just look at the ground when walking past strangers, so that's a success for me), and he greeted back in a friendly manner and smiled. But then he exclaimed "Pretty woman!", I am not sure, but probably in a kind of ironic/joking manner, so I just smiled awkwardly.
I'm at the same time happy in a weird way but also terrified when stuff like that happens. I look fruity enough for old men to notice I'm a bit different, maybe? Or maybe it's just old people making fun of masculine looking people with long hair, I don't know. I also technically wore women's clothing, but nothing that couldn't also be found for men, just cut a bit more femininely.

>>40289652
'Or maybe it's just old people making fun of masculine looking people with long hair'
That sounds like the kind of thing someone from 4chan would say, not some random old guy desu.

>>40276346
>>40279290
>>40283488
>>40284328
I genuinely mean this when I say that all the advice and words I got here helped me so immensely to drag myself from the doom spiral that my brain kept trying to lock me into, it means so much ( ᴗ )
I'm going to move forward with the mindset that I can only control my own actions, not that of those around me, as unfortunate as it is, and that I can't let the people that want me to perish or give up actually beat me by draining the joy I feel in life.
I'm going to try and get back in the saddle and do chores properly this week, along with a few other goals.
And also, I miiiiight get mine and my husband's legal documents and passports in order juuuust in case and prep a bug-out bag if the worst should arise. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and all that.

>>40289679
When I was a young kid in bumfuck central Europe in the 90s people clocked me as a girl for having long hair (I'm cis m), people definitely have been incredibly more rigid on these matters in the past. But I agree the old guy would not have called anon a pretty woman to express something of that sort/make fun

>>40289689
(Forgot the picture i meant to include in the post so here it is anyway)

>>40289679
I mean many old people are weird where I live (as in conservative and judgy). I've had an old woman walk towards me while I was sitting somewhere, laugh, and say "haha, that's a girl" because she probably thought being called a girl must feel really bad for me. Some people here even make comments when masculine looking people wear the color pink and stuff like that.

>>40289698
> in bumfuck central Europe
Yeah that's where live lol
>But I agree the old guy would not have called anon a pretty woman to express something of that sort/make fun
I'm not sure, but it's hard to convey intonation and so on via text. It definitely sounded a bit like he was making fun of me/teasing me (albeit not in a mean spirited manner I think, he seemed friendly). Or maybe his vision was really bad lol

>>40289742
If it sounded friendly id take it as friendly desu. Nothing wrong with feeling good about that

Sorry for not replying yet, I am an awful person.

>>40289521
I've probably done it again today, but I'll go do some cardio later to compensate.
I'm on 1800kcal a day, but I'm working manual labour in a refrigerator day to day, so my passive burn rates are pretty high (probs 2500 a day, but I'm guessing). I've done 1,300kcal before (when I went from 103 kg to 82kg back in 2023 - I'm hovering around 73.5 kg atm), which I'd do again because I was dropping around 1kg a week, but yeah, just can't manage that at the moment while functioning day to day
It'd be more manageable if I weren't working my current job.
>feeling either really empty or randomly crying.
I lean heavily towards just numb, I've been crying or close to it a few times in the last week or two, but I think my body is still holding back.
I sort of expected to get mood swings, I'd just like to handle them better
>I used to do oral/sublingual E for a while and it made my E1 levels very high
Yeah, DIY, I'm in the UK, so unless I want to fork out for private healthcare access to HRT here is basically DIY only.
I actually don't know what E1, etc, levels all mean desu. I sort of just know what my E level should read on a blood test.
For me, injections are now at least a practicality thing anyway.
>>40285242
>But could it be that your body doesn't feel like that?
Some of this, but I think it's partially environmental (manual labour). I'm used to my body being on T still and recovering faster, and just generally feeling stronger, and E is making that body weaker, which is giving it's own cocktail of thoughts. My sleep the last few days has been bad (4 hours a night average going into 12-hour shifts), so it might just be that.
Very tired today, not really feeling much of anything, but it's my first day of shift, and I've not had any caffeine, really.
>>40289652
I think it's just that some old people (especially men) have a harder time clocking us.
I remember as a kid, it was 90% old people who would see me as a girl when I had long hair.

>>40282123
>there's a thing called 'little t' and 'big T' trauma
Sounds legitimate enough.

>weird verbiage but basically overtly traumatic incidents
I can think of maybe a few, my memory is weird when it comes to big stuff.

>vs less obvious, or even maybe benign things, that still shaped your brain/traumatised you somewhat
I feel like this makes up the majority of my behavioural traits.
I might just be overly sensitive as well, which probably doesn't help.

Don't think if there's any form of therapy for little t trauma.

>>40284821
>Hm, is there something specific that inspires this concern? You out to them ?(Sorry if you told me and I forgot)
I'm never really going to come out as what I am to them, it won't do them or me any good. I've given up on any relationships at all really, so I don't even know if it will matter.

But my main fear is that they will realise how worthless I am as a person and abandon me for it.
I haven't done enough to compensate for all the effort spent on me, I doubt I ever will.
I live at the mercy of people I try and constantly fail to appease, which is why independence for me and my siblings is a vital goal.

>Definitely trawl the web for grounding techniques as well, we have a small number in the resources but generally it is worth looking into in your case
I will definitely look into it, considering how relevant they are to me struggles.

>>40284821
>Because something else fell through? Like, if it is predictable gaps a schedule could help, if not then the next best thing is to lower the barrier to the task in any way you can think of
How do you mean?

>For example, having your hobby stuff in reach
Can't remember the last time I engaged in my hobby, can't find the passion for it anymore.

>Or having things related to your job search perhaps open in a dedicated browser window
I really need to practice my skills again if I wanna break into an actual career in a year's time.
I gotta get my own place.

>>40284821
>Bingo! Counterbalance stressors as they occur. Don't let them pile. You need a pressure valve
Are there any reward systems that won't rile me into a dopamine binge?

>>40289005
>siganon
Ah, I’m not siganon, I’m shinjianon. But I guess it’s not as obvious these days due to my file names changing… Sorry if I’ve been the source of any confusion.
>are *you* safe?
I’m trying to be. Right now it’s better than it’s been in a long time, which has me a bit on edge. But I’m trying.
>No, not that I'm aware of.
Hm, I see.
Your current thought patterns circling around the past are probably making it even harder to pick up on smaller things in the present, if I had to guess. Right now it sounds like it’s stuck in survival mode, readying for known threats.
If you can, making a detailed list of what happened prior to your last few breakdowns can sometimes help make the patterns and any potential triggers clearer. But it’s probably going to take a few of them before you start noticing anything of value.
>I need to forget somehow
Feeling a need to forget lines up well with your previous posts, but forgetting completely may not be in your best interest in the long run. Being stuck thinking about it isn’t a desirable state to be in either though, so I can understand wanting it to stop.
One potential way of letting yourself pause it for later is by writing timelines and logs, then physically (or digitally) shoving them to the side once you’re done with them. This can lessen the load on your brain short term by letting it know that it has all the details written down for later if needed, in much the same way as writing a list for shopping groceries does. But as with everything else it doesnt always work and takes a bit of practice.

>There shouldn’t logically be a cause-and-effect relationship
Memories can be strange like that, yes. My unqualified guess would be that the fun fair marks the “last drop” in a long string of bad experiences, and with your one coping method being confiscated (your PC) it left you to absorb the feeling to its fullest. But thats just a guess.
>(1/2)

>>40289005
>(2/2)
>I’m being very hard on her
While I can’t say I envy your mom’s situation, I don’t think you’re being very hard on her, anon. She did what she did, knowing that it wasn’t your fault. Her suffering does not excuse yours.

>>40289689
Wish you and your husband all the best out there, anon. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling a little less hopeless despite it all, and I’m glad we could help a little even though we aren’t with you in person

How do i keep up hope/motivation when everything seems so bleak?

I finally wanted to transition after years of repressing, but any official method available in my country has a BMI limit.
I have to lose around 30kgs before i can even begin to be considered in the system.
I have struggled with weight since i was a teenager, so it seems really bleak for me to lose so much weight, just to be put on a waitlist afterwards.
Economically, alternative methods are implausible considering my neet status, but it seems to be my only way out.

When everything seems kinda far out, or hard to reach, how do you guys keep your chins up?

>>40292701
First of all, being obese (if the weight limit is at or above the clinical limit for obesity, and assuming your weight is mostly fat and not muscle) does create complications around HRT, especially if you have problems with your liver, blood clotting (at risk of thrombosis), or heart problems. HRT isn't easy for your body.

However, if you considered the risks:
> Do DIY, suppliers are widely available worldwide.
> Use long needles for injecting to hit IM
> Do bloodwork. Can't be overstated.
> Gently do try to lower body fat. It would be far, far harder on E than it would be on T, but you know your mental makeup. If your body tells that you need to get on HRT before losing weight, then do so, otherwise it's advisable to be under your post-transition weight to have fat reaccumulate on feminine places.

>>40283382
>I hate it when psychiatrists (white coats) in general can't admit to not being infallible and them damage control. Is it okay if you keep us posted? I would like to hear how much it ends up affecting you, because if it causes you to lose weight that is definitely reason to push back.
honestly I'm considering just not taking them and canceling the followup appointment. maybe just because I've had a good day and I don't feel like I need antidepressants. I've been off them for six months and I lived, and the old ones I took did nothing at all except headaches. I have my first therapy appointment in two weeks and that's more important to me

ok so ive destroyed all my relationships and am having to move elsewhere and start over for the third time in two years
what work should i start doing if i probably have bpd and i want to get better?

SH anon back again, I don't even remember fully what I was talking about last time I was here. Still haven't cut myself in any way but bought a bottle of vodka and wound up drinking 2/3rds of it last night and will probably finish the rest tonight, I really have become just like my father and I wish I had to courage to just stop existing instead of hoping the way I live accidentally kills me.

Welp, tried to improve myself and take it easy this weekend after all the advice I got, but its impressive how much life just continues to shit on me this year.

To be blunt, my cat is dying. She's 18 years old, I've had her for nearly 6 years, and it doesn't feel like enough. For the last month or so she's been less energetic but I assumed it was the summer heat making her lethargic, the way it does every year. She ate something that made her puke a bunch last week and slowed down eating, but today me and my husband gave her some wet cat food to see if it would help. For a brief period, it seemed like it did and she just needed to be swapped to wet food, nbd.
She puked it all up a few hours later, can barely walk, and is generally displaying end of life symptoms, and I hate it. I hate how unfair everything is, I hate that I just wanted a weekend to relax and ignore the outside world and actually focus on me and my husband and her, but now she's on her last legs and there's nothing I can do about it.

We're giving her until Monday to potentially pass on her own, after that we're putting her to sleep, I don't want her to suffer any longer than that.

No time would have been enough, but fuck, it hurts so bad.

goodnight bump, more tomorrow.

>>40290653
For the anons considering it, and having just spent 30 minutes drawing 0.6ml of it and 10 minutes injecting it (not sure I remotely got the dosing right frankly, I could be anywhere between 0.4 and 0.6ml actually in my body) for the love of God, do not...use...undercylate.
Like, okay, I'm over panicking because I'm going to do a blood test at the end of this week and check what my E level is and if it's maybe around where it should be i'm calm if not I'll be using my oral stuff and getting some EEn/Ev vials.

I mean shit, i'm gonna have to get EUn figured out but I think it's gonna be a case of doing two 0.4ml injections because trying to draw large amounts is quite stressful (might try drawing with like a 20g needle and injecting with the 27g idk - I guess given the seeming lack of info I sort of have to make it up as I go along).

For now, I'm going to curl into my bed and sleep it off. I was expecting the needle to be the main mental block, but nope, pushed through that in like 3 seconds flat (I mean I did get some things out of trying for the Marines lol).
I might try and 3D print a jig of some kind to hold the vial etc and draw for me because doing it by hand *sucked*.
>>40294987
I'll pre-empt with I'm sorry in advance for your loss anon.
The best I can offer is to say: remember that, ultimately, that pain comes from a place of love and care.
>>40292701
It pains me to say it (having lost about 30kg total over the last 2ish years), but really it's just getting slightly "male-brained" about it, which is just learning to dig in, applying fairly rigorous self-discipline and evading the various horrors of government waitlists (I mean i'm UK, our waitlist is 6 years, so absolutely not doing that).
The upside of being a neet is having the time to spend 1-2 hours a day knocking out cardio or other exercise as required.
Motivation really only comes to me from seeing results, which is essentially a feedback loop that requires kickstarting with something.

When I think about my life, it feels like its over. Feels like it is far too late I have no friends and it's too late to have friends anyway because everyone is getting married and having kids and im left alone completely emotionally and socially stunted and nobody is going to hang out with friends anymore they are all past that point in their lives and I never even lived in the first place but im too old to start to live and even if I had a partner its not enough because one person isn't enough to be my whole life but there's no way to make true friends nobody cares about anyone else and it just feels like there is no point to living anymore and I just want to die.

>>40297941
>it feels like its over
pic related
>Feels like it is far too late I have no friends and it's too late to have friends anyway
Relatable, how old are you? I am almost 30 and have no friends (apart from my boyfriend). It feels weird and I feel very disconnected from the world. Maybe it would be good to volunteer or join some sort of club to at least get some acquaintances.
>because everyone is getting married and having kids
This is kind of why I would prefer to have other gay/lgbt friends. I don't even relate to my siblings who have kids.
>im left alone completely emotionally and socially stunted
Also very relatable, at a certain age people probably expect a certain degree of social and emotional competency which I did not have the opportunity to develop.

Today, I ran 6 km with an average 5:55 min/km pace. It felt easier and more relaxed than the previous 6:25 min/km run despite being faster.

>>40297941
mood
Just distract yourself till it's over.

I'm pretty sure money will solve all of my problems easily.

>>40299376
good job nona, im proud of u

I'll ask more burning questions tomorrow after I've had at least 7hours and 30mins of decent sleep.

BUMP

>>40299304
Im 26 and even when I do join clubs I still dont really get to know people very well. Even people that I sorta become friendly with, they dont want the same intimacy with me back. Its that nobody really wants to get to know people like I do. And that feels pretty terrible

Home from another walk.
Not doing too well on the avoiding overexertion or starving myself or seeking out novelty and strangers to escape the reality I know fronts, but continuing my streak of no unhealthy drinking.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I feel like I’m seconds away from everything collapsing over my head.
The same feeling of urgency as last time I had a gap between infections and hospital trips, ignoring what has to be done in favour of chasing something that “looks” good, in order to impress people short term. Slowing down feels like a looming threat I have to avoid. I’m too proud and too scared to ask for help irl anymore. My awareness of my own desire for hyper independence doesnt make it stop. I need to get my shit together.
I’m going to allow myself a short run to help me avoid something worse.

I’m trying my best again tomorrow.

Let's see if I finally catch up today!
>>40271835
Glad you had a nice walk, estro!
>I also found an estrotick sucking my estroblood, I removed it.
Oh gosh.. do keep an eye on the bite, did it heal well? I'm sure you know but if the bite leaves a ring shaped inflammation you should go to the doc asap! Got me curious and apparently a diameter of 3cm+ is considered a sign to immediately go.
>I also bought some comfy long summer trousers
I'm glad to hear you treated yourself to nice estroclothes, heh..
>>40280321
>I have started doing so recently, at least a little.
Keep pushing, I am very proud of you for doing it! It might sound silly how often I say I am proud of people here but.. it really comes from the heart you know? It makes my day to see people like you doing the difficult but good things.
>I really wish I could.
And you have a kind heart to wish for it. But in the absence of clairvoyance the best we can do is explore one another's boundaries. And that too is actually a nice thing.
>I'm m worried I might die or disappear one day without a single person hearing what I have to say about the state of my life.
Do you feel you are meaningfully working towards preventing it, talking to people? And yeah, things will become so much easier once you are independent. Walking on egg shells is the last thing you need. You need people that understand to lean on.
>>40280428
>I'm always standing in my own way.
It's not unusual to, Anon. We gotta cut ourselves plenty of slack on that front, we are all living for the first time.
>>40280937
Hope you rested well, Anon!

>>40281912
Yeah, I miss my biflag too!
Spiraling sometimes happens, yeah.. I am glad you weathered the storm. The difficulties many of us are facing are heavy, yeah. At the same time, it makes me glad that, in the face of how powerlessness we often are, we can at least be there for one another like this.
It's definitely worth trying out other therapists to see if you click! But you also make a great point about advocating for yourself. As for the kindness.. Hm, I do you feel you have emotional support?
>I'm kind of thinking of it in terms of energy; what ideas about my future are energizing in the present?
perfect! And your list looks good, too!

>>40282123
>kind of hard for me to tell recuperation/backsliding
It is a tricky thing but I suppose the difference comes down to preventing the break to become an indefinite state.
>I still feel like I'm craving something.
As for the feelings.. you trying to articulate them, name them, trying to explore their purpose or function can and will help. But yes it IS hard.
>cool...
I know it sucks, but it is better to know it can happen than to feel broken and alone right? You aren't broken. Human hardware kinda sucks, is all.
>Or you share stuff externally with other people?
That part. I express my emotions outwardly and work through them with others.
>feels like a lost cause, but I'll keep trying for something like that I guess
If it doesn't work well for you, don't worry too much. It is one approach among many, I could really stand to make a wider array of recommendations, come to think of it.
>I've really liked Heidi Priebe lately
Never heard of her!
>it's closely aligned with a lot of the cptsd & toxic shame stuff on this general
I dug a little and found this to add to the resouces: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y47iJrbO2ug.
The draft for her entry looks like this right now https://sntry.cc/3e7f202071, anything you think I should add to the examples that you might rec in particular?

>>40284222
To be fair you have been through the wringer, it's no wonder it conjures up an inner storm.
>In the meantime I hope things are little less… buzzy on your end
Yeah,
>>40284624
What the actual fuck, Hungary.
>Hungary isn't the safest place to live, not even for cishets. But sure it's based, /pol/ would say :(.
If you allow me to be unproductively bitter for a minute, I take solace in the fact that the vast majority of people who think that would not only be unwelcome, but likely crushed under the same boot they are licking. Most of them are terminally online nerds who grew up in a liberal society and seemingly no conception of their hobbies would be considered effeminate and degenerate.
>But I greentexted enough. I don't want to suffocate the entire thread for myself. I have no right to.
I wouldn't want to force you if you aren't comfy with it but.. I personally grant you permission to speak about yourself more. The main reason I asked about your employment situation is because I am trying to understand is to try and make sense of where things are headed for you. The country is a hot mess by the looks of it and at least for now existential things are secured. Do you have an escape plan of sorts to unplug yourself further from the bullshit? I assume leaving the country is not an option.
>>40285264
Doing my best. I have vacuumed under my bed today, cooked a bit. I will have to wash my bedsheets on tuesday or so.
>>40286603
The days really sometimes come and go at a breakneck pace.. I am grateful for weekends.
>>40287731
Twisted in what way?

>>40304967
>Twisted in what way?
just too much self hate to not second guess and doubt and hate myself
depersonalization too ig? Im not so sure
I NEED to be normal but im too lazy
so lazy
ugh

>>40304967
> Populists are terminally online neets.
Unfortunately not here as far as I've seen. They are mostly the undereducated masses (white trash and lower-class minorities) subject to propaganda and people wanting Kádár (the last Commie leader) back.
> I personally grant you permission to speak about yourself more.
For whatever it's worth: thank you, Anon.
> The main reason I asked about your employment situation is because I am trying to understand is to try and make sense of where things are headed for you.
I'm a software engineer with 10 yrs of experience. So even with no degree, I could bounce back in 1-2 months if I lost my job, however both my finances and my productivity is in a tailspin since leaving in there. I wouldn't be surprised at all if they fired me. I need to pull myself together.
Why I mentioned my clearance is that I miss my job as an Army Civilian. I miss my comrades, miss the mission. I have a job but it's soul-crushing. I don't die from exposure or hunger, that's all there's to it.
> Do you have an escape plan of sorts to unplug yourself further from the bullshit?
I have:
- Clean paperwork
- The average people while not drunk or on drugs are polite enough not to clock my fat hon ass.
- Savings
- I've left a relationship which wasn't safe for either of us.
- I'm on track to rent a flat of my own.
- I've spent half a day today researching modern HRT, and will go from legit to black. That switch - if works - would save me €1.5k/yr.

> Leaving the country is not an option
Goddess, I wish. But at this job market? And also, my brainworms are telling me not to trust any job offer abroad because of all the stories I've heard of people being abused as "work" abroad.

>>40289590
It's borderline impossible to feel it until you experience it, I'm happy you get to!
>>40290768
>>40291128
>>40291156
(1/2)
>I've given up on any relationships at all really, so I don't even know if it will matter.
Trust me that, as much as it makes sense to you right now, it is not going to help you with your goals to remain steadfast in it. Do you mean romantic relationships or platonic ones too?
>they will realise how worthless I am as a person and abandon me for it
Ahh.. fear of abandonment.
>compensate for all the effort spent on me
Not a healthy outlook, Anon. Especially with family. A lot of families can have very.. interesting views they instill on their children, but I need you to understand that people consciously put other people on this earth aware that they will have to take care of them for about two decades. This is not a debt you accrue it is the price that (ideally) two consenting adults were willing to pay for a gacha pull.
Hm. Can I interest you in a channel anoter Anon recommended me earlier? I would love to have more eyes on it and hear people's opinions. And it might have topics that seem strongly related to what you are going through. Issue is the videos are 40 mins a piece.
>I live at the mercy of people I try and constantly fail to appease
>How do you mean?
What I mean is, you said you suddenly find yourself with more time in your hands than anticipated, right? I am trying to figure out whether it is because life is unpredictable (think: a doctor moving an appointment, other people's schedules clashing) or if it is something that is more in your control (personal schedule).
>Can't remember the last time I engaged in my hobby, can't find the passion for it anymore.
You probably are too survival brained right now for it. I can assure you that passion is something you can recultivate though, if it helps. It won't be lost for good.
>I really need to practice my skills again if I wanna break into an actual career in a year's time.

>>40290768
>>40291128
>>40291156
(2/2)
Ah, fair. In that case the barrier to lower would be exercising your skills I suppose.
>I gotta get my own place.
>Are there any reward systems that won't rile me into a dopamine binge?
I don't have a list on hand but remember that humans are animals too. Think about how you would meter out treats for a pet. Went to the vet? That's a treat. There is a limited supply of treats in a day, and the treats are tied to something concrete. Not because your pet doesn't deserve treats all the time but because it wouldn't be good to overfeed.
>>40289742
Seconding VK, I think it was sincere.
>>40292701
>How do i keep up hope/motivation when everything seems so bleak?
It is genuinely difficult a thing. A lot of the time something that helps with motivation is to find something small you do have control over. Powerlessness is soul crushing. And a lot of the time, the big things that take many small, ideally actionable steps feel so far away. The most important thing to stay sane, in my experience, is to look at your feet, not the horizon, unless you need to reorient yourself. I can expand upon it if need be. "I accomplished this thing today." Journaling, gratefulness exercises and the like help too. We have some stuff in the resources there.
>I have to lose around 30kgs before i can even begin to be considered in the system.
Oh perfect, we can definitely help you with that, I lost 40kg myself with no exercise and no restriction to the kinds of meal I ate. We could cook you up something workable though if we don't see progress after 3-4 weeks you should absolutely have your thyroid checked. You would not believe how often it's literally just thyroid fuckery that messes with weight gain or loss.

>>40290535
You aren't, take as much time as you need, you want me to not rush responses either, don't you? So, you taking the time and resting up sets a good example for me. Thank you for that. If it feels more like procrastination, we can have a small chat to lower the barrier of getting the words out.
>>40294339
I think antidepressants are at least worth considering if they have been prescribed but if I would suggest to perhaps look for a replacement psych if you can help it. But I agree that therapy is more important, ESPECIALLY since you have been stable without ADs in the past.
>>40294462
We do have resources for people with BPD in the paste. I heard mixed things from the therapy side, but whether you can or can't get a diagnosis and try, looking into emotional regulation stuff is worth looking into in that case. How do your relationships usually go?
>>40294725
Welcome back anon. Would you like me to pull up your last post and reply to see if there was something perhaps of interest to you in the last response?
>I really have become just like my father and I wish I had to courage to just stop existing instead of hoping the way I live accidentally kills me.
I don't think you have, sure, alcohol is a kinda cope that sometimes people slip into, but you come here. You want to change. And I have faith in you, genuinely. I will gladly take your hand and help pick up the pieces.

>>40305598
> Oh perfect, we can definitely help you with that, I lost 40kg myself with no exercise and no restriction to the kinds of meal I ate. We could cook you up something workable though if we don't see progress after 3-4 weeks you should absolutely have your thyroid checked.
I'm not that anon, but I also have weight problems. If you coyld also share in here or on disc, I'd be grateful.
My excuses are:
> I'm on E. Fat loss and muscle gain on E is far more harder than on T.
> I'm half in survival mode. I'm trying to give survival less priority so I'd have tge bandwidth.
> I won't realistically be able to access a gym in the next 3-4 weeks. (Bumfuck nowhere, it's hard to solve here.)

>>40289689
>>40294987
>I genuinely mean this when I say that all the advice and words I got here helped me so immensely to drag myself from the doom spiral that my brain kept trying to lock me into, it means so much ( ᴗ )
It's my pleasure, Tanjinon.
>And also, I miiiiight get mine and my husband's legal documents and passports
Honestly, I have the policy to recommend every citizen of every country to get the passports as soon as they are legally and financially able. It is ALWAYS a good thing to have one.
>No time would have been enough, but fuck, it hurts so bad.
Having just lost a family member myself, I feel for you, deeply. Loss is a bitch and never conveniently timed. It is all so infuriating. I want you to hear this though.. it is not a sign. It is cruel, and unfair, and has no right to hurt like it does. But you are not alone in this. Take your time. But remember that part of the pain stems from how much you are loved, and how much love you gave in turn.
>>40299376
Well done Anon!
>>40297941
It sounds like you are spiraling a bit, Anon. I assure you that it is not too late to make friends, that people in their 30s, and hell, even married couples NEED friends in their lives, and that it is worth noting that on top of that people don't have to be your age to become your friends. I've been friends with people 10 years older and younger than me frequently in the past, and continue to do so. I hope those feelings pass soon. We're here for you if you need reassurance.

>>40300901
>I'm pretty sure money will solve all of my problems easily.
Fucking mood a lot of the time. What things are you struggling with?
>>40300930
A wise choice!
>>40305305
>> Populists are terminally online neets.
Oh no, I was thinking of /pol/ specifically. Earlier /pol/ at least. Going to 4chan wasn't exactly something "normies" would do. Times have changed perhaps but that was what I had in mind. IRL, populists are far more dangerous than random dweebs on a basket weaving forum, which was my point basically.
>Kádár (the last Commie leader) back.
That name allows for a bit of a multi-lingual pun: Kader is German for Cadre.
>I have a job but it's soul-crushing.
And I definitely hope you find a better job soon, one thing after the other of course.
It sounds like things are generally looking up, well, as well as they can given circumstances right now.
>- I've spent half a day today researching modern HRT, and will go from legit to black. That switch - if works - would save me €1.5k/yr.
That sounds good, DIY seems to have come along way, too.
>And also, my brainworms are telling me not to trust any job offer abroad because of all the stories I've heard of people being abused as "work" abroad.
It strongly depends. I wouldn't trust job offers that try to fish abroad, sure. The safe way would be to have friends in the country and try to help you get a foot in the door. Being on your own in a foreign system is risky. Of course this is just musings. I don't have actionable steps to recommend here so I shouldn't dwell.

Maybe an aside but, I am glad we talk. You are going through one hell of a messy situation and I think having something other than cishets to talk to might make it a little less lonely (I hope at least).

How do I get motivation to draw again? I haven't in months and I can't get back into it.

Also unrelated addendum, I had a friend in Texas that I broke contact with like a year ago and I'm kinda worried for her, should I reach out?

Alright, enough for today.
>>40305001
Ahh.. that type of deal. Knowing you it will pass with time.
>>40303684
Welcome home, Shinjinon. I wish you all the best for tomorrow and a restful night. Is there something you need to hear from someone else to make it easier to do?
>>40305943
>I'm not that anon, but I also have weight problems. If you coyld also share in here or on disc, I'd be grateful.
Okay, the first step would be to compute your TDEE using the resources in the paste (see OP). MtFs should use the female setting (for reasons you named).
If you can plan your own meals, have a scale, and do not mind bookkeeping, your simplest approach would be to try a diet that has a 500kcal deficit. That would correspond to losing about .5kg per week. I would suggest you weigh yourself twice a week or so for 2-3 weeks and see if there is a trend line. If there isn't we gotta mess with intake.

i'm sorry for posting this here, especially something so long, but i have no one else to ask.
i'm an unpassing tranny who recently started speaking to someone over discord. this person seems to like me, and even says he's attracted to me. i have shown pretty unflattering pictures of myself, though i'm still almost certain he would be repulsed by me in real life. he has only ever dated women and says he isn't attracted to masculine men. i also wonder how it is he's come to be interested in me when he's successful enough in real life, including in the dating scene. why should he have to resort to me? not only because of my appearance but because i'm mentally ill and a recluse, and in another country. this has made me conclude i must be either misleading him or taking advantage of him, and it's only a matter of time before he realises this himself and stops talking to me. the worst case being us meeting irl and him regretting ever knowing me. is it reasonable to think it's not only more moral to cut things off but and also safer for me emotionally?
even though it seems unsignificant because it's only online, it has had a large impact on me because i'm very isolated socially, and so i'm fearful of losing it. i like him and he makes me feel good about myself. but i can't help but feel that's selfishness talking.

>>40306796
I hope it is alright if I come back to this more rested but the rule of thumb is don't decide whether you are worthy for someone else's sake. Get as close to them as they let you no matter if you think you are an ultraomegahon. It is not your call to make if that is a deal breaker. Trust me.