>>33357193
this but unironically. i don't feel worthy of life. 'friends' excluded me and women scoffed at me. all my peers live normal lives while i'm just trying to stall my inevitable suicide with maladaptive daydreaming. i was a shy, self-conscious loser even as far back as preschool. in the first grade i asked my mom "why doesn't anybody like me?", and i still don't have an answer. all i know is that i'm unwanted with no valuable contributions to society. no talents. no passions. only smart enough to know i'm stupid and engage with topics on the most surface level. can't understand myself, let alone other people, or emotions. wasted everything.

yes despite all this somehow i ended up feeling like i was special, or had some hidden talent that could be uncovered with enough work. when in reality you can accurately extrapolate someone's life from their behaviors and abilities in preschool. it was never going to happen. my brain is incapable of actually understanding what i ask for but i do anyways. my idea of excellence is an unexcellent person's idea. it's all distorted in the haze of my mediocrity. all i can do is superficially shuffle symbols and signs around until i get the right combination heuristically instead of understanding anything