>>150054122
>you hear voices right?
When I have 'episodes' it's uncontrolled noise and thoughts. I don't have control over this and I don't think it's 'voices' but I am generally aware. Sometimes I'll see for example a claw scratching the window but I generally know that's just some symptom and I'll monitor but accept something is happening. Occasionally I'll lose grasp of reality but not that often. It'll be in extreme anxiety episodes I think x is trying to siege my house and I need to defend it etc or someone I know is after me. I accept government is tracking but that is genuinely true because some posts I made, and I embrace it because I have nothing to hide from them as I am non violent.

Meds made me 'normal' which was extremely placid and emotionless without opinions. I had no conviction on anything. Often I'd be very depressed and rejected the antidepressants as they made me feel terrible. My HRV was low, I had no energy, it took around 10% of my athletic performance even doing weights. I'd wake later like 10am instead of 8am so about 2hr more sleep. It made me more impulsive and eat more. Some points I worked well and did almost 1 whole highschool qualification in 3 weeks.

I missed the high periods where I felt 'me' and had convictions, energy to exercise, enjoyed music etc. I wasn't as much of a sexual deviant where I go to heterosexual gratification but that doesn't matter to me so much because I will never engage in that. Quetiapine was comforting and calming but I like the alternative state when it's higher, when it's low it's vile and I'll stay in bed for many days eating shit not washing and just existing. I despise those states and I've declared war on them. Very unlikely I would post this if I wasn't drunk which nowadays is very rare

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KLVnmChtIE