Should I become racist?

Should I be racist?

Should I be racist or not?

My niggers, I did not snack today nor did I drink. Here's to tomorrow!

I find myself wishing someone would stab or shoot me to death. Maybe pummel me into the ground relentlessly. I like watching videos of such things to fantasize about it happening to me. Often times when I am out shopping I stare off towards the entrance trying to manifest a mass shooter to grace me with such finality not of my own choosing. I used to drive trucks for a living and my family always worried about the statistically likelihood of an accident but I never saw that as a downside. I won't orchestrate it myself or engage in health destroying habits but ever single day I pray for some kind of freak accident to take this life away from me. I have had no other social connection outside of 4chan for years and my OCD prevents me from doing almost anything meaningful. It feels impossible to start now. I am looking for ways to change this but I do not know how. Not a single thing feels meaningful anymore.

I am going to criticize everything in detail but I would NEVER EVER EVER do anything of my own.