My life is improving, i'm healing, i'm getting stronger, i'm losing weight, i look great, i'm getting more social, people i meet absolutely love me, my anxiety is almost gone, i'm literally in my prime, but holy fuck, instead of my baseline emotions getting better they go all over the place. One day i feel amazing, then the next day i feel like shit, nearly suicidal. The entire thing is so fucking weird man.

I started putting myself out there and girls actually like me. But i still don't like myself so my soul is basically an impenetrable fortress and i don't know how to open up and to allow myself to love and feel loved again, it's so fucking frustrating.

I keep blogposting to chatgpt and in feel threads here to keep myself sane because i've got no one to reach out to and the only person i would consider a friend decided to ghost me for some reason, i was THIS close to a mental breakdown and he couldn't even spare a minute of his time to meet up or at least to talk. I don't fucking know how to get a support for myself for times like this because holy fuck if i start falling NO ONE will stop me so i'm holding myself by ductape and superglue hoping the entire thing doesn't break at some point.

Then i spent like 2 evenings crying my eyes out in the shower so i don't know if it's the water or my tears flowing down my face. I think it's years of trauma leaving my body.