Home again from visiting my family.
Wrote some observations down right after to keep a log of what happened and how I felt.
I do this often. When people try to gaslight me I silently look through my logs to prevent it from getting to me. It also helps me spot potential triggers, even if I hate using that word.

The TLDR is that going back there makes my suicidal and dissociative thought patterns worse, and that I only really feel like myself around the cat. Writing the things I felt down I think I’ve come to understand the source of some of my issues with food better. My sleep habits reverted back to what they were when I had to stay inside my room until night to say safe, so I guess that hasn’t left me either. staying there definitely affects me negatively… I’m very glad to be home.

My mother remarked that she feels sorry for my brother having to experience the recent episode with my dad being sent to the hospital because it left him feeling scared.
I guess I’m happy that she recognises the impact it has had on him, but I can’t help but wonder why the same doesn’t apply to me. I was right there with them, seeing the same thing they did.
I don’t know.
This feels like an absence of concern born out of convenience.

But I don’t want to bother telling them that it impacted me too.
There is nothing for me to gain from it, so it’s a waste of energy to try.
Keeping it to myself has its own cost but at least it keeps things more predictable. I hold no power over their reactions, but I do hold some over my own, so… That’s the plan for now.
Take care /sig/.
I’m trying my best again tomorrow.