I've tried, many times, but I have whatever the opposite of a green thumb is. Last time I went full-autism trying to get peas to grow, had a hundred separate little containers for the germinating seedlings, had carefully controlled conditions, deliberate variances in light and watering to try and hedge my bets and get a few to survive long enough to harvest; 20% failed to germinate, another 70% didn't survive long enough to replant, and the rest died within two weeks of replanting.

The only plant I've ever managed to keep growing is an aloe plant someone gave me about 10 years ago, and that's only because they're basically impossible to fuck up. Fuck you aloe. Stop reminding me of my failures you little cunt. Nobody fucking likes you. You're the fucking participation award of gardening. Fuck you.


... I'm sorry, aloe, I didn't mean any of it. Please don't leave me.