>>40202246

>hate themselves SO MUCH
I considered this and I'll do you one better, I considered that 'self hatred' is actually a form a narcissism. At a fundamental level an ego is just the least complex and self aware parts of your brain. It's a primal urge for survival. Mainly in the back of the temporal lobe. At this level of consciousness the ego doesn't differentiate between hatred and love or jealousy or good or bad or sad etc, because all those emotions pull from the same pile of neurotransmitters chemicals.

That may be confusing but hang in there. It's like you said about the ego, we all have one but what we consciously identify as hatred can actually release more satisfaction chemicals than what we identify as satisfaction. So what you're feeling even though you think it's self hatred may be way more satisfying than you realize. This is part of why masochism exists and why I don't take self depreciation seriously as self hatred when you have trained your brain to like feeling like you are a victim. This is actually common with covert NPD.

>>40184630

Actually they don't have to know, you can simply lie about your mental health and nobody will find out unless you crash out or have some sort of anxiety/psychosis episode multiple times while under supervision lol. You could straight up tell your local recruiter and your recruiter would try to get you enlisted regardless most of the time. They are just trying to make rank, they have quotas to meet. So really consider it.