>>40041465
One of the big kickers in this situation is that for the past 5 years, he has gone asexual on me. Like, sex repulsed and touch repulsed. I've been laid twice in 5 years (I cried after the first time because he very much made me feel like a man), and I can probably count the number of meaningful hugs and kisses on both hands each. Add to that my own sapphic awakening (more feminine dudes are still okay, but 90% of my attraction seems to be towards femininity now) and it's kinda obvious that we're incompatible in that way now. I know relationships aren't about sex, but goddamnit I'm allo and have a very strong libido and not even being able to get a goddamn hug or cuddle without pulling teeth makes me feel ugly and unwanted, yaknow? Like, the way I've described it fairly often is that I'm pretty much raising 2 kids with my roommate, except my roommate also is kinda an overgrown child himself.
The upside is that there is some semblance of a plan to part ways with him. But it's hazy and I'm not sure if I'll survive it and there's a lot of things that have to come into place at the right time or else it can't happen. I need to be able to quickly find support for caring for my kids so that their life isn't disrupted much while also being able to insure he is in a place where he can't fucking kill himself once I break the news to him that we're done. I've thought a lot about if we could fit it but it's gotten to the point where even if all of the abusive shit stopped, I don't know if I could find love for him again. My future with him is lonely.
So, yea, that's the current big challenge in my life - and that's on top of also losing my job in a few months and needing to move states, whoo!