Rainbows Edition
previous: >>39899147

Goal of the thread: Consider the things you want to improve or accomplish, whether long- or short-term. What small steps can you make towards those goals?
Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!

>What is this thread for?
Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.
Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.
>Why is this thread /lgbt/?
Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.
>Notes to consider:
Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:
WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION
>Note on advice
Generic advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.

We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!
Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!

## RESOURCE LINKS:

Resource link paste: https://sntry.cc/sig-resources-2024-04
General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04
Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04

Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/irc.rizon.net/#/lgbt/sig
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

>>39897660
>you'll keep us posted
Yeah it did not go well. I'm trying to not think about suicide again. I know that it's not the end of the world. I knew things are incremental, and this was never going to be the universe defining moment that would suddenly fix everything. It still hurts.

>>39903222 (OP)
Jesus, roughly 4 hours into my Monday and I got fired already.
It was decent gig though, hopefully I get something else very soon.

This week is starting off weird as shit.

I'm gonna go update my resume and send out some applications, after that's done I'll swing by this thread again.
You know, since I'll have a few extra hours this week to do so.

Goodluck, everyone else.

Things just feel worse as I get older and I run out of hope each year. I'm already in my mid 30s. How do older anons keep going without blowing their heads off? At least when I was younger I had some hope

>>39897660
>>39904832
K i've had time to rest and collect ny thoughts. Its not as if it went horrible. I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to do very well. It sort of hard for me in party environments especially talking to people I dont know or dont know well. I trive more in one on ones. In the end I never got to tell my coworker about myself and about who I am. I guess I just really wanted to be seen, and I never was, because I couldn't ever bring myself to talk about myself. And I feel sad because it's yet another person I could have potentially been very good friends with that I just let slip by because I was too afraid to just say hi. It happens a lot.

Also I guess I was upset that I was read as just a dude. I mean, I literally detransitioned, so makes sense, but I could just tell from the interactions. The queer women were sorta uninterested in talking to me it felt like, and the men at the party talked to me with very thick male socialization. It felt like I could just tell. It made me believe that even if I transitioned, I would never actually be seen, I would forever be a man. And from how it sounds, dating as a gay person is exceptionally hard, and I would imagine as trans even harder. So all of that together make me feel like my only real option in life is to stay as a man. And I really don't like being a man. I never have. But I don't think transition is right for me either.

It felt lonely. I know I don't know everyone that well, but it felt isolating. It felt like no matter how hard I try, nobody will ever be interested in me as much as I am of them. And I mean that in the friendship sense. I try really hard, and I am so interested in other people's lives, but nobody ever wants to get to know me.

I guess the one thing I really still have hope in is that there is still my other coworker. he's trans, and he's not going anywhere right now. I can still try to be better friends with him. But I feel sad.

>>39903222 (OP)
SIGGANON
I LOVE YOU
IM COMING OUT THIS MONTH TO SAY IT
I LOVE YOUUUU

page7.bump

bump.

Hey, I got fired this afternoon too. Well, not quite... HR asked me put in my two weeks notice.
I'm just gonna get state gibs for three months and transfer to another school. That was a rough phone call... and it's not quite over yet. But it will be soon. And then I can move on with my life.

>>39905342
Best of luck to you too, buncreature...

>>39906385
Video games and anime. That's why keeps me going. I'm 36. Playing through the Persona games for the first time right now and having a blast. That will keep me going for the next year at least. No matter how bad things get if I can at least lay in bed a few hours a day playing video games I can cope.

>>39896683
Don't have much time to answer rn but thanks anon, just wanted to keep you in touch that I'm gonna see a (too expensive lol) therapist in a week
I was offered CBT before but they told me I'd have to record my traumas and listen to them and I just fled. Shit scared me.
Idk if I wanna talk about specifics much right now, I managed to get high and chill and I don't wanna think about all that rn but I also don't want to forget to answer in the future since the other thread is archived
Hugs anon you're great

what do i do if
>moping around and being depressed accomplishes nothing
>fantasizing about a relationship accomplishes nothing
but focusing on what i have to do during the day is kinda like feeling nothing so i want to do the former two
loop

>>39897660
>>39904832
>>39907279
Okay its the next day and I feel a little better. I definitely go through major ups and downs emotionally. I'm sad about her leaving and missing an opportunity, but I'm still hoping to hopefully possibly connect to people. I'm going to try by best. Because the alternative is going back into that headspace of not wanting to live anymore. I guess I just want to be completely sure there there really is no hope before I lose all hope.

Popped in last thread then proceeded to have a total crisis and blip back out of existence. This place seems nice, tho, so I want to make an effort to try to come here more often than my other usual forms of self harm.
Will probably try to respond to some things in a bit, still getting my head on straight for the day. It's a big week for me and the first day is already halfway done with not much to show for it other than having taking my medicine on time for once. Whoop.

Oki, I'm settled in. I hope a double post is okay.
This is a big week for me. I'm taking my daughters to their grandmother for the month and then wheeling around to go to my hometown. I'll be seeing my brother and doing some groundwork for an upcoming move. But what's bigger on my mind is that I've made an amazing friend within the past year and by weird stroke of fate, they happen to be from my hometown (it's a pretty big city) - so I'll get to meet them in person. Very very excised, but also mega anxious because how people interact IRL vs online can be vastly different... plus I've been something of a social shutin for the past decade (other than the friends I've made online within the past year - who are all online), so I'm kinda worried I'll misstep when online becomes reality. Can't do anything but be myself, ig. I'm excited either way.
This strip is also a big chance for me to get away from my husband, who I've been on increasingly bad terms with. Afterwards, we're gonna try to fix some things.
Might talk about that later in the thread (don't want to flood the thread with my life) - been kind of a meditation of my madness recently.
>>39910683
The stuff that's gotta be done has to be done. Find little ways to reward yourself throughout the day and take breaks as needed. (I've learned to generally stay on my feet, even when taking breaks, to avoid a break turning into a wasted day). Things start to feel better as you pull the big things together - small self rewards in the meantime help to actually get there.
>>39909868
Persona is great! I need to actually sit down and work through the P3 remaster - I loved the original when I was a kid. Which one are you working on?
>>39909862
Och, that's rough, nona. Are you a teacher? I hope wherever you transfer next is even better for you. Being a teacher can be rough, especially while you're still gathering experience. I'm about to be between jobs myself, currently building my linkedin profile and resume...

>>39911805
>Och, that's rough
It is what it is. It's been a long time coming. But thank you... I'm just glad it'll be over with soon.

>Are you a teacher?
Nah, I was doing a cooperative study thing for a second degree. It involved working for a company while going to school. I'm going to just finish my studies at another school now. It doesn't really matter.

>I'm about to be between jobs myself, currently building my linkedin profile and resume...
Hmm, LinkedIn is evil. I'm glad I haven't had to bother with that so far.... Best of luck!

>>39909868
I got tired of video games in my late 20s, they're just not enjoyable anymore for me. They feel like slogs to get through, even older games

I'm miserable and anything I could say about my present state would be whining.
I want to be better. I want to not hate myself. I want to deserve not to hate myself. I want to not make everyone around me miserable. How does one achieve this?

Today was a lot, so I will only get to update tomorrow. I slept through my time off today.
For all of you using 4chanx, see https://pastebin.com/1tK7id2h to add flags.
I will add it to the resources but the site is currently down so I can't edit the paste.
I will visit my family unexpectedly by the end of the week, so I will travel.
My schedule will be a bit flaky hence, thanks for your patience!

Maybe something more lighthearted for me to report, I managed to sort through over a thousand images, decluttering my download folder. I have a really cool semi-automated setup where a script sorts all my files into a subdir according to extension (pngs, jpgs, you get it). Then I have a program a friend and I developed that lets me sort images by continuously making binary decisions (does this image go in this folder? y/n). It makes the hoarding of images manageable.

>>39907501
Hey Anon. I had a really difficult day ahead of me today, and I want you to know your post specifically made my morning a little brighter. Even if I can't know who you are, you made me smile... Thank you for that. <3

I took conversion therapy willingly to get a boyfriend for financial reasons and other stuff not to use them I like them platonically and I'm demi romantic and homoflexible but it's rare to like a guy for me like extremely. Can you get me a idea of what to do to self esteem boost? I pass.

Does flirting ever not feel pathetic?
>>39913149
Same. It feels like the only thing I can do anymore and feel something is riding my motorcycle or drawing.

>>39915747
Thank you siggynon. I hope you are doing well. Take care of yourself, and take time off for yourself. It's ok to need time away from things, and people understand

bump

page

>>39910919
>>39907279

honestly, similar. separated and living with my dad, wanted to transition but too masculine, gay spaces seem to hate cis men and i don't look fem enough to bother claiming non binary or whatever, just settling in to not kill myself for a while lmao, hang in there.

Jesus, I have bad impulse control.

>>39922992
What's wrong anon

>>39923042
Been spiralling for a few days, had a lot of sugar and now I'm decompressing by being on my phone for way...way to long.

I'll explain more after my shower.

>>39923082
Honestly feeling the same, happy to listen, had way too many carbs yesterday and trying to take it easy today

I (cis male) self-id as a gay guy, but I've been fetishistically cross-dressing infrequently but recurring since before puberty with the longest desisting period being like at most a year. With straight stuff I'm generally "wanna be the girl, not fuck her".

I do kinda suspect that this implies some low percentage of trans-ness, like call it 5 or 10% or whatever. From my perspective nothing I'd ever transition for (though I generally do loathe myself for a variety of reasons, fetishistic crossdressing included, because it's misogynistic a.f.) because obviously this would make everything much worse, but it does make me wonder =>

=> at which point would you seriously start thinking of yourself as trans and think about transition?

>>39923178
>>39922963
Honestly same. Easier to say gay. Way too much shit going on to feel like I can transition. I'm 34, don't want to be a hon, look fine as a dude just feel feminine but not sure who will accept me as is? Ex wife didn't, tried just shit like pegging but she didn't like it, realized I was some flavor of gay and she wasn't interested in me being more feminine. Having left I'm like idk. If I thought I'd be pretty id transition but like I think I'd kill myself in the meantime

Bumpy

Happy pride anons.
My lab results came back showing another infection, confirming what Ive been telling them for three months. I feel vindicated.
Time for another round of antibiotics, at long last.

I dont really know what it means that I dont get fevers from my infections, but I hope this might help prove that thats what happens, at least… I’m scared about going back and insisting they take it seriously and dont dismiss me on account of lacking fever during future check ups.
I’m thinking about buying antibiotics on the grey market again. Ive been considering buying some for a long time but I always wind up trusting the doctors more than my own gut. But I want to visit people. And to do that I might need it.
I guess I’ll see what they say after my next check up.

>>39923178
Iktf with feeling a random impulse that I wish I was a woman when in a bottom mindset or around straight guys I crush on. I'm in the same spot of having like a 5-10% chance since normally I am comfortable or indifferent. I never considered it worth it unless it's for someone since, in my, most of my own feelings come from a place of wanting to fit in and be more what my mom wanted and what I feel society has more interest in.
>>39923219
>34
>Married, then questioning more
How does this happen so often. I'm too bi for straight women so my chances in relationships are nill because I'm open. Still I hear stories of discovering sexuality or identity late in life while in a committed relationship often.
I wonder if there was a perfect option where people could switch I get a feeling demographics would look a lot like MMOs do.

>>39924895
Honestly I just never understood the signs growing up, my wife grew distant and I kept looking for alternatives to spice up our intimacy, eventually I realized I really enjoyed bottoming and while I preferred women I wanted to bottom when I was actually horny. I think that was a result of no intimacy, I stopped traditionally masturbating to be ready when she wanted it so I got used to playing with my ass to get through the dry spells vs jerking it to porn? Idk, parts of me wonder if I'd have ever slid so far if she just loved me but then like yeah Ive always liked women and struggled to find most men attractive so I just thought I was weird. But as we experimented with pegging I was like yeah this is what I prefer - if she had been into it probably would have been happy but she was turned off by it which really fucked with my head.

>>39925008
Also at this point I'm at a loss. I don't find masc men attractive, but I like crossdressers? Like I could be with someone like me who maybe isn't a successful transition candidate but feels feminine/likes to dress up sometimes, I'm more of a switch I like to bottom but enjoy using what I have as well, hetero sex wasn't disgusting to me. But like finding that seems impossible, not a chaser and like gay dating online is mostly just masc men I want to fight vs kiss. At a loss, ready to just be alone. Being mid 30s doesn't help

>>39925008
>eventually I realized I really enjoyed bottoming and while I preferred women I wanted to bottom when I was actually horny. I think that was a result of no intimacy, I stopped traditionally masturbating to be ready when she wanted it so I got used to playing with my ass to get through the dry spells vs jerking it to porn?
Had the same mindset after being alone for so long. I've realized I can only get in a mood to top if foreplay is aimed at me. Idk if people who are more experienced have that dynamic in the bedroom or if women expect to be the only ones receiving foreplay, with exception to BJ's.
>>39925141
I've given up already at 27 so I can't help you here. But I do question how much falls on getting people in the mood and actually allowing people to be comfortable feeling good.

>>39903222 (OP)
This is just what I need it. Also, what a good Meru color, makes it even better

>>39903222 (OP)
What do I need to do to be worthy of a trans woman's love?

>>39925428
Yeah topping became a "I'm doing this for her pleasure not for mine, doing it for me would be using her" so it just kinda took the pleasure out of it. Stopped orgasming from it like 10 years ago. Not sure how to fix that.

Alrighty..
>>39899147
>I just hope this time will be different.
How about this: you use us to monitor your progress, IF it ends up motivating you. If it adds pressure or makes you anxious, then we should stop. I would like it to feel more like you letting yourself be praised for your efforts by people that get it. In general, trust me, look for a way to let you sanity check things in regular intervals. If we keep an eye on things we can salvage partial wins even if something goes wrong. That way we can GUARANTEE things will be different, no matter what.
>The main reason I feel weird about DIY though is because I don't like the idea of having non-prescribed pharmaceuticals delivered to my house.
I know that feeling. Extremely well, even. Being as cis as they come these issues were largely philosophical since I never were gonna use the stuff myself, but I get how you feel. And I think it would do you well to just talk me through your concerns. It clears the mind even if you don't think it will change your pov.
>interacting with people that young makes me feel like a predator or something.
That is not your fault, it is because generation-spanning relationships have eroded and people are basically forced into isolation. Older people can and should interact with younger people. Hell, you forget that older people not only *might* be predators, but they also reliably clock them. Literally every single case I personally know of where someone did get hurt by a predator was a direct consequence of them having nobody that was older and more experienced to talk to. No network to rely on. Funnily enough male spaces seem more diverse age wise than female spaces but I think that is changing.
>Thank you for hearing me, anon.
My pleasure, by all means, stick around!
Alrighty everyone.
>>39905342
Christ, sorry to hear anon.. do keep us posted, alright? I wish you all the best.
>>39906385
Could you tell me a little about yourself, Anon? What is it you wish to achieve?

So another two months later update
job is going ok, it pays the bills but saps me of all my energy, I'm looking around though, fingers crossed I may have something new lined up soon
Already happened into a new relationship that's shaping up to become serious, I'm invited over to her place for the first time tomorrow and I'm kinda scared of having to rediscover sex with a new person, especially because she identifies as a lesbian but I would be her first woman partner and that feeds straight into my insecurities of not being a real woman and all that, like how can I be enough for her you know. But beyond that I'm trying my very best to be mature and level-headed in this relationship and so far I'm managing very well. It's not like she's fixing me or anything similarly dysfunctional but being with her gives me lots of opportunities to improve and be more reflected and such and it's done wonders for my self-efficacy.
Anyway, as far as self-improvement goes I don't think there's much else to share. I'm taking care of myself mentally, not so much physically but that comes with the job ig I will try and work on that next.

>>39909882
>they told me I'd have to record my traumas
>Shit scared me.
Would it be alright if we discussed that sometime, Anon?
Also, sure thing! I don't know if you use the 4chanx extension but you can also ask me to dig up an old thread for you if you can give me something to look for. Then I can direct you to the appropriate archived post. So there is always a way to catch up!
>>39910683
Hmm. This is very abstract. Could you put the things you desire/yearn for into more concrete terms? I get one of them is a relationship?
>>39910942
>>39911805
Welcome back, Seraph! You're more than welcome to stick around. What are the general circumstances you're working through, by the way? If you are okay with telling us. You're doing your best to help others, I'd love to give something back in return. It sounds like you have an accepting family from what I gathered (?), which in and of itself is already a wonderful thing. And kids! And husband troubles. I'm excited to learn more either way. As for making friends, there is one thing I would like to add: A mantra I have on that subject is that "everything can be mended"; you gotta trust that healthy relationships are made of continuous refinement. You could have a hilariously, embarrassingly stupid night out (you won't of course but it's about the worst case here) and it is nothing that can't be talked about. It would just become an anecdote. It's like stepping on toes (literally): it happens, the other person communicates it (ought to), you move your foot, and then both of you work from there. The one having done the misstep will always remember it for longer than the one with the stepped on foot.

hey siganon
be safe ok?
hang in there and be safe
I dont know if i can say more.

Dug up an old image, it's a bit corny but some might need to read this.
>>39915173
It would not be whining, Anon. I want to hear your troubles.
>I want to not make everyone around me miserable. How does one achieve this?
Tell me about your circumstances and the ways you feel you make others miserable. Also of course about the people in your environment.

>>39904832
>>39907279
>>39910919
Welcome back, Anon.
I'm sorry to hear things didn't go smoothly by the looks of it. If one on ones are your strength then we should leverage that in your favor, you never got her contact right?
>Also I guess I was upset that I was read as just a dude.
What conclusions do you draw from processing it this way? Originally I addressed a lot of points you made that.. from my outsider cis guy perspective read like dysphoria thoughts, but I cut most of that since I felt like I am trying to rationally dismantle a feeling you had in the moment that has already passed. However, if you ever want to talk about trans stuff, do prod me. I might be cis but given my experience talking with a ton of people in very similar situations.. perhaps I could add something useful. I won't press this however. I feel like detranners face pressure in every direction by default so I try my very best not to butt into things there.

As for your trans colleague: could you perhaps invite him to your place, or to hang out with him at for example a cafe? It's my go-to to have quality 1 on 1 time with people because just like you I do TERRIBLY at parties.
>>39909862
I'm sorry to hear, Anon.. I think I know which anon you are, we talked before right?

>>39916805
>I took conversion therapy willingly
I am not sure I follow, what's your letter, and what did that look like? I assume you are mtf and were transbian/bi, and tried to foster your androphilic parts?
>Can you get me a idea of what to do to self esteem boost?
What are the things you value in other people? What are things you consider your own strengths and weaknesses?
>>39916838
One thing that can help is to ask yourself: do you find other people flirting pathetic?
>>39917589
I promise, I do my best on that front. It's rough. I am okay but let's just say chances are I will attend a funeral soon. How soon is impossible to know. Could be two weeks. Either way, I am truly blessed not only with the kindness of you anons, but also my friends online and IRL. It's immensely humbling and I am so, so grateful for it all.
>>39923082
Seconding what the other anon said, would love to hear more!
>>39923178
Welcome, Anon. I am glad you came here, sorry if I myself won't be able to contribute much to trans stuff. What I can tell you is that a definite "transition now" point is when you find that masculinity becomes something that actively emotionally erodes you. If you find yourself dissociating, if you experience memory loss or other common signs of long-term trauma, immediately see to getting checked whether it is repression of the trans sort.
>I generally do loathe myself for a variety of reasons
Would it be alright to discuss the reasons you hate yourself in more detail?

>>39927787

I'm a genderfluid lesbian

>>39926027
Yeah, that has been the hangup I have been dealing with basically. Unfortunately while in my head I can get off to the idea of foreplay aimed twords me idk if it really works out IRL because I haven't been with anyone in over 10 years. So I can't really help there but I get where you are coming from.
>>39927787
Just when I do it.

>>39924705
Happy sparkles and rainbows month shinjinon! What a relief those dickheads did their job, my God it is so incredible how these medical professionals can have a patient that constantly proves them wrong and they still don't learn. They have this militaristic socialization where they conflate rank, authority and correctness.
>I guess I’ll see what they say after my next check up.
I am notoriously careful with recommending automed, but by golly depending on what they do next I would personally deliver you some.
>>39925472
I cannot remember a character in recent memory I have vibed harder with than her. By god, the absolute stonewalling defiance in the face of despair really spoke to me at a level a gag manga doesn't have any right to but given the personal circumstances I find myself in how can I not love her?
>>39925484
Well, worthiness is more or less an outcome of the continuous negotiation that is any relationship. It is not a barrier of entry as we like to romanticize it to be in our heads. What experiences do you have in dating, what do you think/feel holds you back?
>>39926823
Welcome back valley! I wish you all the best on the job search (and more importantly romance/intimacy) front. I'm grateful for the update! It's always nice to see familiar faces drop by.
>>39927258
You're a sweetheart, anon.. thank you. I mean it.
And I am grateful to all of you, keeping this general alive with me, supporting me, appreciating my efforts.. it means a lot.

I need a break for today.
>>39927843
What did the conversion therapy involve?
Also, maybe I misunderstood, is the self esteem thing entirely linked to your sexuality?
>>39927998
How do you feel reflecting upon that? We often judge ourselves more harshly than others, and that inconsistency is usually unproductive. Think of a copy of yourself, or something along the lines of a close friend confiding in you, telling you they feel pathetic for flirting. Try to articulate how you would push back in their defense.

>>39928064
Not sure I understand.

bump

>>39926607
>How about this: you use us to monitor your progress
would probably be pretty helpful. I think some of the reason my life has gotten to the point it has is I've never really had anyone hold me accountable for anything. which feels dumb to say, because I should be able to hold myself accountable. But that's hard when my family is enablers and friends are too.
I'll probably try to make an appointment with an advisor at the college sometime this week...

>I think it would do you well to just talk me through your concerns. It clears the mind even if you don't think it will change your pov.
I don't want to have to try to explain why I have non-prescribed estrogen delivered to the house to anyone else that lives here. and for some reason I feel dumb for thinking about going DIY when I live in an area with so many options to get HRT legitimately (northeast united states). even though the in person options are limited due to availability, there's so many telehealth options I could take advantage of that I don't for some reason... I guess I feel like I would prefer to see a doctor in person, cause then it feels more "real" and less like I'm faking it or something.

>generation-spanning relationships have eroded and people are basically forced into isolation. Older people can and should interact with younger people.
I think you're right, and I completely agree. It's a bit hard to work around the mental block I have internally though. I understand that if I'm my intentions aren't weird and I'm not doing anything weird, then I shouldn't be too worried about being seen that way, but in practice it's hard for me to not get overly self-conscious of how I may be perceived.


I think I just get in my own head about a lot of things and end up not doing anything because
1. I can and have gotten through life this far by doing that
2. If I make no choice, then I can't make the wrong choice
3. Doing something is a lot harder than doing nothing

>>39915173
>>39927561
Outside of rigidly structured situations (such as therapy lol) I can come across extremely autistic. It feels as if I'm wearing a giant sign that says to ignore everything I say or else take it as badly as possible. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong until months later at best because even when I ask nobody bothers to explain it, so these grudges develop. It doesn't matter where I go because the same thing happens. Somehow, every single time, I'm in the wrong and have hurt someone. I don't know how and I don't know how to stop, and I don't know if I'm not actually in the wrong. The best I can describe it is extreme passive aggressiveness because I'm awkward and thus deserve it. It turns out one of the problems browses here too so I can't be any more detailed than that.

Time to fly! Im excited but also a little scared. There's so so so many ways things could go wrong! But I'll make it, I think, and maybe I'll even have a good time!
Got distracted on a newish gen this evening. Kinda cool!
Gotta be awake in 4 hrs to fly. Deep breaths.
>>39931963
Not the first time I've seen this kind of sentiment. You're not alone in feeling this way, at least. It can be really really REALLY hard to figure stuff out when ppl just get all huffy and storm off. Do you have any close friends you could confide in? Even just having one person to baby steps you through how things went wrong can make a night and day diff. If you dont, maybe you could find some help in spaces like these? Im no expert on socializing - social shutin the past decade and all - but I could speculate with you maybe! ^^'
>>39928064
This pic made me laugh. The cow hiding in the background took me out!
>>39927116
Mmmm, honestly its mostly that my marriage is falling apart in general. Im also losing my job in Nov (tm) and moving states which adds a lot of stress. But the big thing is mostly just communication failure and total sexuality mismatch with my SO (ive shifted more femme attracted and he's kinda just gone pure ace) - which has left me feeling very very unwanted and unloved. Also some of the things he says and does ive been told repeatedly is actually very abusive (like threatening suicide when I mention our marriage is sliding).
Its a whooooooole can of worms. My to do list is over 100 tasks long and never gets shorter and... my transition is buried about 50 tasks into it! X'D
Its a lot a lot. But I need to wake up in 4 hrs and im already brain fried from the past few day. Maybe ill sit down and type out as much of the spiel (in under 2000 characters) as I can for yall.
Thank you, btw, this made me feel very welcomed. ^-^ Kinda needed it at this exact moment.

Gonna cut it there or ill really wind up not sleeping. >< Nighty night, /sig/.

>>39932870
>Do you have any close friends you could confide in?
Anyone I consider a friend says I've done nothing wrong. It isn't helpful.
>maybe you could find some help in spaces like these?
All right, let's try that. What's the takeaway when you try to apologize for something and it's never acknowledged in any form? Or when you explain that being ignored is upsetting, but you're ignored anyway?
That's somebody who doesn't care about you, right?

Does anybody here have experience with moving out from under family?

>>39909862
cute artwork.lp

>>39909862
>Best of luck to you too, buncreature...
Thank you, Anon.

>>39926607
>Christ, sorry to hear anon.. do keep us posted, alright? I wish you all the best.
Thank you as well, it is all appreciated.
I am currently waiting to see if I will considered for an interview this week, I have applied for a forklift license and I am getting my tax details together.

Waiting for further news of job opportunities while my family disintegrates from internal drama and external finance problems.
I can't tell if this is a new problem or not.

I had a very emotionally taxing day, again.
I geuss I just can't be myself or honest no matter where I am.
I annoy or aggrevate people off just by being a little messy and scowling too much, I geuss neighbours run the world.

I want to be left alone.
If I ever have the luxury of dying peacefully in a hospital bed, I hope it's just my siblings and a few friends watching me cave in.

I can't wait to leave everything behind so everyone can go live thier perfect littles lives, without me obviously.

If I have the cash and connections, I'd be in a city right now where nobody can point me out in a crowd.
I'm tired all the time now too.

Apologies for the blog post, I'm in a very immature and self-pitying mood tonight, also I need to go to sleep now.

Goodnight and goodluck.

bump.

>>39927561
>we talked before right?
Yeah! I'm the >duale Hochschule anon, and also the uhh AvPD / schizoaffective anon ig...

>>39896995
>Often I was trying to find connections between our interests, for example. Do you still have any people close to you?
Outside of my family? No, not really. I guess one guy I went to high school with replied back recently. Took him over a year... I think he might have been ashamed because he's still in undergrad almost ten years later... I should probably respond. But he's married now. idk
>more importantly than all of this, by god, tell us of your interests, anon!
Hmm, I like music & literature and STEM stuff. I read & write a lot. Journals and stuff like that. Something else I tried recently was deriving some equations for a double pendulum where the length is a function of time. It's almost done but I lost the drive idk...

>someone fucked up something fierce and it wasn't you
Uhh, it might have been me after all. It doesn't matter now. I said that I'll send them the resignation on Friday. And then I'll be out. It's a good thing. It's just annoying to handle.

>small town gossip really isn't helping with anxiety
I don't really care what they say about me.If anything at all. I am activating /hikimode/. To an even greater extent, I mean...

>were you the anon with the psychiatrist who only sees it in her duty to prescribe pills?
Yep, that was also me.

Hey, by the way: I hope you're okay, Anon. You said that you're having a rough time right now. I know from some past interactions that you're facing some tough challenges in your own life, and I know that you can pull through.

Gn bumb!!

gn bump hoping to rid myself of the accursed 120 second timer

>>39941178
valid

>>39924705
I hope you get and feel better soon.

bump.

>>39944519
thanks

>>39945019
no worries.

>>39927258
Thank you, Anon.
I hope you stay safe as well.

>>39935727
There's some developments back home though:
>My contact back home came through
>My siblings are in the process of training for work with a company
>A company my one friend works for
>I got him in touch with them and their resumes
>Provided all goes well, they can move up and become full-time employees

Please, PLEASE God let this work out.

They need stable jobs right now, we gotta get ourselves financially independent as soon as possible.
I'm so tired.

bump

bedtime bump.

>>39903222 (OP)
my therapist wants me to get evaluated for an ED but i don't think i have one i just genuinely need to lose weight

>>39949662
Early morning bump.

>>39949680
What is ED, in this context?

Not sure when I'll be able to post again but for now I just want to say:

>Thank you for all the help and replies from this thread for the past few months

It's making things a little bit easier to deal with.

>>39950615
eating disorder

>>39932870
Glad it did! Khyle (the artist) is a fucking treasure.
>>39928431
What I mean is: the thought exercise was meant to notify you that you are holding yourself up to a standard you would nobody else. More often than not we like to internally think of this as being lenient with others, but in practice it's often actually a sign of us being too harsh with ourselves. Take a step back and try to play with that thought. Critically engage with why you are in that regard, try to name the emotions and ideas that lead you to being harsh on yourself there.
>>39931963
Hm, without wanting to come off as mean or anything but have you ever been diagnosed with it? We do have some basic tism resources but I am not super well versed on the subject. One thing I can recommend however is the following: One pattern I personally use a lot is to take time and ask for feedback on occasion, asking how people around me feel.
>I have no idea what I'm doing wrong until months later at best because even when I ask nobody bothers to explain it, so these grudges develop.
First off, there is a breaking point where people's inability to voice their grievances stops being your problem. If you ask directly ask them, and they keep playing coy only to explode at you later, then what are you supposed to do? It is not your obligation to develop mind reading skills.
That said, what is it people are bothered by that they only speak up about so, so late?
>Somehow, every single time, I'm in the wrong and have hurt someone.
Being wrong and hurting people happens, in a healthy relationship, these things can be subsequently mended. Think of it as stepping on toes. If you do, then the other person needs to somehow communicate their discomfort if you don't notice it first, then you move your foot and work from there.
>extreme passive aggressiveness
on their end or on yours?
>>39934409
Difficult, could it be the person is generally just not very attentive?

>>39931331
Accountability is a great motivator, that's why things like accountability buddies help. Check the pastebins for stuff that can help break down larger, overarching plans into tasks you are more likely to actually do. S.M.A.R.T. goals come to mind.
>I'll probably try to make an appointment with an advisor
Excellent! Keep us posted.
>I don't want to have to try to explain why
What is in a parcel should not be visible from the outside, and it is nobody's right to inquire about the contents of your mail.
>I live in an area with so many options to get HRT legitimately
Valid, but you can't do anything other than work on it, right? You can think of it as a band-aid solution until you can get it legitimately. There's nothing wrong with that, right?
>so many telehealth options I could take advantage of that I don't for some reason...
Break it down for me. What would you need to do? Step by step, like I'm 5.
>it feels more "real" and less like I'm faking it or something.
I understand, imposter syndrome and such. At the same time, in my experience
>It's a bit hard to work around the mental block I have internally though.
That is normal, every last one of us has internalized things we shouldn't have. It's quintessentially human. It helps SO much (me at least) to have people tell me things I already know to actually get up and do them. Because rationally knowing and convincing your inner little animal creature that pulls the levers are very different things. As such, maybe this silly trick helps to trick that part of your mind: I, OP of this general, personally grant you permission to interact with people significantly younger than you, and accept being held accountable for that in your stead. Now, go forth!
>2. If I make no choice, then I can't make the wrong choice
A common trap right? Since choosing to do nothing *is* an action.
>3. Doing something is a lot harder than doing nothing
Oh, absolutely. That's why people help each other.

>>39938111
>I guess one guy I went to high school with replied back recently. Took him over a year...
Do respond to him. It's a start. For now it is a good idea to try and get a foot in any door you find a crack open.
>I like music & literature and STEM stuff.
Ahh, I am woefully uneducated in music but at least in STEM I do have a handful of things to contribute to the conversation. I mainly deal with quantum mechanics stuff at work so linear algebra and friends are closer to my day to day than relativity or biology, but I do have some fun tidbits to share.
>I read & write a lot. Journals and stuff like that.
Oh lovely, silly question perhaps but have you ever had a crack at poetry?
>double pendulum where the length is a function of time.
Oh lovely, it's been ages since I last solved a partial diff equation! Are you doing a small angle approximation for one or both arms of the pendulum? Even the normal pendulum was a bit of a bitch without the approximation iirc. I would love to encourage you to ramble (remember the last OP pic).
>Uhh, it might have been me after all.
>It doesn't matter now. I said that I'll send them the resignation on Friday.
Okay anon, still sorry to hear, having the floor collapse from under you is such a shitty feeling.
>I am activating /hikimode/
Hm.. what is the next step in your studies in that case, how did the school side of things pan out? I'm just a bit worried about you, I hope this doesn't sound like criticism. All I care about is that you are okay.
>Yep, that was also me.
In that case, let me reiterate: fuck 'em in that regard (though I am sure they are good on the meds front). Is there someone on your mind you could go to get the actual therapy half of your treatment sorted? Since
>Hey, by the way: I hope you're okay, Anon.
Well aren't you an absolute sweetheart, anon.. thank you. I will take a plane to Germany in.. actually a handful of hours from now. It is mostly a matter of.. seeing a loved one for most likely the last time.

>>39950615
anorexia

>>39934774
As in: sneaking out? Not directly, no. But if you expand upon your circumstances to we could try and think through your available means.
>>39938111
Ahh, so it was you!
>>39949680
Normally I ask a few simple questions to get a feeling for cases like yours, the questions will be umcomfy and you can tell me if you aren't okay with answering one, I can work around it. I won't judge no matter what, ok? Could you give us your height and weight, or equivalently your BMI? What would be your target? And how have you been trying to achieve it? What kind of weight loss approach do you take? From there I can try make suggestions that might keep you away from an ED diagnosis.
>>39938111
One last thing, what would you like me to call you, for short?
>>39950965
Glad to be there Anon, and always will be happy to. Take your time, okay?

I should pack my stuff...
>>39935727
>>39947251
I am sorry you had a tough day, bunon.
>scowling too much, I geuss neighbours run the world.
Oh, you have a habit of scowling? I guess it's just you are emotionally drained which naturally shines through. Is there at least some emotional counterbalance you get to look forward to?
>Apologies for the blog post, I'm in a very immature and self-pitying mood tonight
It's fine, I am happy to hear you out bunon.
>Provided all goes well, they can move up and become full-time employees
AWESOME!!! Oh god I wish you nothing but the best! Fingers fucking crossed...

gosh bless the anime anon

>>39951268
Thank you for replying.
>Hm, without wanting to come off as mean or anything but have you ever been diagnosed with it?
I have not, but I also have. Or I might have found the one psychologist who thinks it's possible to be socialized into autism. He's spent several months without coming to a conclusion. But if I call it autism, people suddenly understand me better, even if they don't act differently.
>One pattern I personally use a lot is to take time and ask for feedback on occasion, asking how people around me feel.
Unfortunately, I've tried that and been completely ignored. I've been ghosted after asking that. I've been ghosting after asking how I can improve.
>If you ask directly ask them, and they keep playing coy only to explode at you later, then what are you supposed to do?
That's true, and that's the conclusion I've been coming to. This tends to be related to things that no longer matter, that are long past. From what I understand of the situation I'm thinking of, it's related to a failure on my part to phrase something in an appropriate tone.
>these things can be subsequently mended.
The silence mentioned in my other post tells me that there will be no forgiveness. That's how I see it.
>Think of it as stepping on toes. If you do, then the other person needs to somehow communicate their discomfort if you don't notice it first, then you move your foot and work from there.
Actually, now that I think of it, it's more that my toes were stepped on, I expressed discomfort (badly) and then I experienced consequences. Unless I'm completely wrong.
>on their end or on yours?
Their.
>Difficult, could it be the person is generally just not very attentive?
If something is a written message, it shouldn't matter whether you're attentive or not if you take the time to read it.

>>39951519
I'm borderline overweight with bmi of 24.8 my target is 18.5. I've been counting calories and limiting calories to like 1000 per day. sometimes I'm a little over, sometimes I'm like half the limit. wdym by approach? i just drink a ton of energy drinks and hit my vape a lot. I've already been losing weight and I'm not underweight so idgi? my therapist tells me i look fine, but I'm still fat i just do my best to hide it

>>39927561
>you never got her contact right?
no. i could maybe get it through friends of friends but that might be too weird. oh well. wouldn't have able to become friends with such little time anyway.
>However, if you ever want to talk about trans stuff, do prod me.
could try, but probably wont get anywhere. At this point it's been 7 years now, going off and on hrt. I think I'm more comfortable just being a guy. There are points where I want to be one, and it feels good and right. If I were to rewrite my post, because I dont even entirely agree with what I wrote, some of it was just passing feelings, keeping the part that I truly feel it would be:
>Also I guess I was upset that I was read as just a dude. I mean, I literally detransitioned, so makes sense, but I could just tell from the interactions. The queer women were sorta uninterested in talking to me it felt like, and the men at the party talked to me with very thick male socialization. It felt like I could just tell they thought of me as any other guy. And I really don't like being a man. I never have. But I don't think transition is right for me either. I just wish I could have been seen for who I am. All of me.
With empasis on me just really disliking make socialization, and always have, and I am envious of how effortless it seems women can make friends with each other, and I wish I was socialized female it feels like my life would have been happier I could have been myself more, and I feel like maybe wouldn't want to die anymore. But in terms of transition, the number onr reason I stopped was because it felt like I was trying to become someone else because I hated myself, rather than just being who I am

And please do take care of yourself siganon. Please

>>39951576
>I am sorry you had a tough day, bunon.
Thank you, Anon.
I'm trying to manage myself right now.

>Oh, you have a habit of scowling? I guess it's just you are emotionally drained which naturally shines through. Is there at least some emotional counterbalance you get to look forward to?
Can you please give me some advice on how to mask effectively?
Or at least, how to be more stoic and unfeeling until I can finally move out and chill a bit?

>It's fine, I am happy to hear you out bunon
Thank you, I can feel myself calm down easier with each visit to these threads, as often as I can.

>>39951576
>AWESOME!!! Oh god I wish you nothing but the best! Fingers fucking crossed...
Oh God, I hope so.

I don't know how much more stress and anxiety I can take anymore, I'm so tired of being afraid of everything and everyone.

I gotta go for now.
Goodluck, everyone.

>>39951280
>stuff that can help break down larger, overarching plans into tasks you are more likely to actually do.
I kind of do this already. But even with techniques like that, I usually stick to it for maybe a week to a month. Once I fail one small goal, or miss one piece of a larger plan, it makes it hard for me to not throw the whole thing away.

>Keep us posted.
Turns out, they don't do appointments, they just have walk-in times. I will likely go either next Tuesday or Wednesday.

>it is nobody's right to inquire about the contents of your mail.
Logically, I know this. But practically, I have a hard time with boundaries. If someone does ask, I know I'd have a hard time telling them to mind their own business.

>You can think of it as a band-aid solution until you can get it legitimately.
That's how I've already thought of it. But there's a saying, "there is nothing more permanent than a temporary solution." I think I'd prefer to do it 'properly' from the start.

>Break it down for me. What would you need to do?
Depends on what service I use.
For planned parenthood telehealth, their appointment booking thing says I have to be in the state during the phone call, so I'd presumably have to go to another state (15 min drive, I live right near the border), I'm not too sure about how exactly they enforce that... it's probably something they have to say legally. I'd just have to pick one of the time slots they have available, which aren't very many and nothing sooner than a month from now.
If I went with plume, from what I've seen it'd be more expensive but also seems much easier to go through them. I even went through their website and filled in all the sign up stuff, but stopped right before actually paying for the membership. Not sure why exactly, I think again I just felt weird about it not being an in-person thing.
Haven't looked too far into other options, but I don't think any of them would be different in any critical way.

(1/2)

>>39951280
(2/2)
This is kind of indirectly a response to the rest of what you said

The "fix my stupid tranny life" list currently looks kind of like:
Get my course schedule figured out for community college
Figure out health insurance situation (the college has an insurance option for students)
(maybe) talk to a therapist about gender dysphoria stuff (college also offers therapy to students)
Start HRT through whichever route I end up going about it
Actually follow through with going to school
Try and meet people/make friends through classes

I think a few of the things would be helped greatly by seeing an advisor at the college. Namely course schedule, health insurance, and the therapy offerings. But it kind of leaves me feeling like there's a lot of waiting in there... classes don't start until late August, so I hope any motivation I have doesn't dissipate in the interim.
As for therapy, I think it would probably be different this time if I tried it again, mostly because I'd have something specific I'd want to talk through, whereas in the past it's always been just general "depression/anxiety" stuff with no real aim.
And the HRT situation might be somewhat dependent on what the insurance they offer covers as well as how therapy (if I do it) goes. But I might just be making excuses there because I'm fully capable of getting it without insurance.... I really should go through with it, it just feels so scary to.

>>39903222 (OP)
I'm starting to workout again :) now to get rid of the pimples and back hair

I don't understand how people have the energy to live life... or how they face reality without being wracked by confusion and survivor's guilt. Like wtf. Maybe I need to stop worrying about doing the right thing and let karma catch me when it catches me.

I had my first therapy session yesterday but I'm trying not to be idle in between. I'm really hoping to go out for pride this year.

I actually feel more alive than I have in a while but I'm not sure it's a good feeling. It's pretty scary. I don't think I can save myself in general desu i'm just going to try to do what I can this year, do what I can tonight

bump.

Bumpy

bup

No updates today. But I would like to mention a small personal detail tonight. My mother was a fucking lioness. A chain smoking, alcoholic, likely ADHD riddled lioness. But she loved me, and she cared so, so deeply about me, and went to such great lengths to the best of her abilities at every turn, that it permanently set my trajectory for how I have come to love people. I try not to be self destructive about it but.. ever since i was a small kid, I was treated as as much of an adult as I suppose would make sense. I was treated as a thinking being with their own logic and feelings. She claims to have never really raised me, that I just came to be myself all on my own. In a way, her parenting style sure gave me the the chance to figure myself out. I owe her a great deal. The next few days.. well. I suppose you understand. Now is not the time to speak of it as if it already happened. Now is the time to say, I am proud of her. And I am grateful for her.

My many of my traits that made sig happen I owe to her.
Goodnight.

>>39962852
I am so so sorry siganon. your mother sounds very much like a lovely woman. I'm sorry that there is nothing that I could ever do to lessen the pain. I know how bad it feels. How it can feel like you lose a part of yourself that never fully heals. Please spend this time with people you love, I think your mother would want that. Know that you are loved even more than you could ever possibly know. Please take your time, and be gentle with yourself lean on others if you need support. Know that many people love you so so much. Love, anon.

ump

hump

>>39942976
Thank you anon. Thats very kind of you to write. The meds have been helping a good deal already.
>>39962852
I’m sorry to hear things have reached that point with her already, siganon. Theres always a lot to unpack when confronting the end of a flawed being we loved. I hope it happens as quietly and softly as possible.

I wanna get a new apartment but I've been sleeping all day like 8am until 6pm. I need it bad. The rule63 foz bear is too cute I want my hair like this and bear ears. Im obsessed with teddy bears.

Im just studying networking for a cyber security job.

>>39903222 (OP)
I think the bleakest thing about having been a repper (in particular one who wasn't even bad at being a man by most standards) is I now have all these people who expect certain things of me and I don't know how to let them down.

And like being early transition at 23 I just know the odds fucking suck for me. I already struggle forming relationships because of non tranner issues and I'm just stacking the deck against myself further.
I desperately want to be able to bond with people but I am not myself yet outside of brief glimpses that only really I see.

Like great, I'm over repping and now I have years of effort gone into goals I just don't care for anymore. And now I have to find new goals to fill the void but sod knows where I begin with that.
Maybe I go back to learning, try for a degree apprenticeship or something but then my stupid brain insists that I have no chance getting in so why even bother.

Eugh, I'm just venting, it's late (well early) and I've lost my mental discipline to shut this shit down instead of letting it eat at me

bump.

>>39967035
>Im just studying networking for a cyber security job
Good gravy, I know what you mean.

lump

bump.

bump.

anon i was gonna do the bump! >:(

>>39962852
What a wonderful person your mother is anone
Flawed but wonderful.
I am so very sorry.
You are right. Its not time to speak as if it happened already.
Show her that gratitude and love. I am sure though she already knows.
Love is all powerful
I wish I could say words that were more than words, but this will do for now.
Stay safe. <3

>>39952263
I am glad to have all of you around, I think we have a pretty awesome general going overall.
>>39952389
>Thank you for replying.
I always will eventually.
>But if I call it autism, people suddenly understand me better, even if they don't act differently.
Valid!
>Unfortunately, I've tried that and been completely ignored.
Okay, I gotta be frank: In cases like that the best you can do is move on from those people. Cause I have been there too. And, since lifetime is finite, harsh as it sounds, sometimes the best we can do is cut our losses with some people.
>it's related to a failure on my part to phrase something in an appropriate tone.
>The silence mentioned in my other post tells me that there will be no forgiveness.
Yeah. I need to be frank with you, from where I stand none of this is on you. In brief, you are absolutely NOT the problem in all of this. If anything, you have given them more than enough chances. One of the things you definitely, urgently need are people aren't you that aren't shitty.
>>39952404
>wdym by approach?
You answered perfectly, no worries.
A caloric intake of 1000 is pretty low, and using nic as an appetite suppressant on top of that in conjunction with it might have tipped the scales in their interpretation. Especially having days of only 500 in between is a bit extreme. There are good reasons to increase your intake for several reasons, one being that if your body ends up entering some panic starvation mode you are risking increased risk of binging but also a high chance of yoyoing once you hit target weight. Try, for a while, a caloric intake of 1000-1250, being strict with yourself to adhere to the lower limit just as you would be with the upper limit. You should continue to see a loss of about 250-500g per week with this, although you can't trust averaging over only one week in my experience, after two or three you would know for sure. This would clear you of any ED suspicions afaict.

>>39953785
>>39954914
>I'm trying to manage myself right now.
That is good to hear anon.
>Or at least, how to be more stoic and unfeeling until I can finally move out and chill a bit?
Difficult. The best I can offer, I'm afraid, is trying to give you outlets. Things that help you destress and vent pent up emotions will be far more effective than trying to repress them. As for controlling how to react when angry, look into mindfulness techniques. This kinda stuff is meant to trip your self perception breakers early.
>
>I can feel myself calm down easier with each visit to these threads, as often as I can.
You need people to be emotionally open with more than anything right now, I feel.
Though you also (most likely) need a lot of soothing that you might lack. I am in an immensely stressful situation myself right now. These threads are a wonderful distraction, my friends support me as well, and I take time to retreat and do things that bring me comfort. Anxiety is a scared animal. Telling it it is safe doesn't do much. A blanket, a warm bath, a soothing voice, comfort. These things do. Sometimes you need to treat yourself like a hurt kitten.
>I'm so tired of being afraid of everything and everyone.
Very understandable, you are in a garbo situation and I really would love to ave you surrounded by more people that make you feel safe. This shit is hard, and you gotta be very generous with yourself, not everyone would have even come this far. Your efforts are laudable even if you are not in a position where you have the energy or will to celebrate that.

>>39953177
>that might be too weird.
Well I find weirdness charming, consider it but don't force yourself if you find it too inappropriate to make an online friend like this. I personally would be more impressed than weirded out.
>I think I'm more comfortable just being a guy.
Then there is nothing of substance for me to add, except one thing, and only for peace of mind: should you ever find yourself dissociating, experiencing memory loss or things of that sort then try to get to the bottom of the source. Feel free to ignore this bit, but it is probably very important to some anons reading along. These are repping flags.
>I wish I was socialized female it feels like my life would have been happier I could have been myself more, and I feel like maybe wouldn't want to die anymore.
Actually, I know what you mean. There are a few key ways in which I tend to break rules of male socialization, and I have found that it makes some people more comfortable in their skin. A lot of men suffer from emotional isolation, and are never made to feel attractive.
>>39953197
Doing my very best to. I promise.
>>39957416
All the best for your /fit/goals, Anon! You've already taken great care of yourself and it shows. Any clue what the source for your pimples is? Might be something as simple as diet or fabric choice afaik but I am not at all qualified on the subject.

>>39958392
Survivor's guilt is a bitch. Sometimes it can be freeing (albeit depressing) to think that lightning does not strikes neither the most or least deserving, just the one that happened to be closest. But I'm just idly prattling. I need to tell myself how it is not my fault as often as I need to tell others. There is comfort in that too I think.
>I had my first therapy session yesterday
If you feel like talking about it, remember, we're always happy to listen.
Are there specific dates you got in mind for pride?
>It's pretty scary.
>i'm just going to try to do what I can this year, do what I can tonight
And that is already amazing, trust me. It does not feel like it but it is above baseline.
>>39956647
>>39956661
You have a bit of a flight response to failure? Hm. I have a silly idea with no guarantee that it will work.
But what if you had a side project where 90% of the experience is failure, and you let yourself be rewarded for each one?
I think exposing yourself to something that numbs you of the pain of failing would be a godsent, and external validation on top might help too.
Do you generally find yourself in the habit acting on impulse?
>I will likely go either next Tuesday or Wednesday.
Deal! Please poke me on Wed latest, no matter whether you ended up going, ok?
>I'd have a hard time telling them to mind their own business.
Would it help to have a lie you can practice in advance?
>I think I'd prefer to do it 'properly' from the start.
On the one hand, absolutely fair. On the other, especially with [current events], I honestly take more the artist approach of "make it exist first, make it good later".
But I won't press, it is just that if you find yourself experiencing distress it is better to alleviate quickly.
As for planning, let's assume plume for now.
(1/2)

>>39956647
>>39956661
(2/2)
>from what I've seen it'd be more expensive but also seems much easier to go through them.
Would you be in financial trouble? That is the only concern I see here. As for the in person thing: one thing you will notice a lot with people is that humans LOVE making up rules to prevent themselves from doing things. Me? I dislike staring a task at a time that is not a multiple of 5 minutes, preferably 10. It's irrational and I haven't had the mental fortitude to break this hangup in over 33 years. But I recognize that it is an arbitrary rule and sometimes break it when it gets in my way, although it takes energy and conscious effort. Somehow, you have a block where the online solution is qualified as "not real enough" in a sense. Crowbar that thought, if you can help it. Find excuses, try to argue with it, essentially the best trick with these things is to try and employ self deception (which is practically fighting fire with fire here).
As for the other list, as you said we can more or less disentangle HRT from college for now and see how that goes, and see the college approach as a fallback solution. Because I do get the advisor would help but as you said:
>But I might just be making excuses there because I'm fully capable of getting it without insurance.... I really should go through with it, it just feels so scary to.
And by golly it IS scary because big, disruptive changes are. Back when unknowns like that could have you end up getting vored lethal style by a tiger it is no wonder we evolved to dislike change.
>>39963310
I'm cutting myself a metric ton of slack, so much is for certain. Still, every last word of support is appreciated, thank you Anon. You know, I am often floored by these threads. When I first made them I steeled myself for a ton of push back that.. never came. And instead, so, so much love and support.

Alright, 1AM, bedtime.
>>39966481
>I hope it happens as quietly and softly as possible.
...this really struck a chord, as I have never heard it put this way. I never knew I wanted to hear it like that.. thank you, shinjinon. Truly. It is a difficult time.
I will make do. I have many things to look forward to left in me.
>>39967035
>wanna get a new apartment
what do you need to do for that?
>Im obsessed with teddy bears.
Oh, teddies specifically?
>>39966509
What's your general situation? Have we spoken before? You definitely need a lifeline out of this spiral, I am glad you spoke up.
>>39967646
It must all feel so overwhelming. You have my sympathy. I know it's mostly a vent but one thing caught my eye.
>And now I have to find new goals to fill the void but sod knows where I begin with that.
Hm. One thing that always helped me align my goals was to ask myself: what do I value in others, and what interests me? What excites? Etc. Basically what makes me feel/think/do.
>>39975666
>I wish I could say words that were more than words, but this will do for now.
Words mean you are there. Having people be there is something I will often remember way more than the specific words. It's just how life is. And I am thankful for your kindness.

>>39976755
I'm ftm and pre top so i have to bind. binders get sweaty

>>39976667
>That is good to hear anon
Yeah, at least things are evening out at the money a bit.
I just need to get to work without burning out again.

>Difficult. The best I can offer, I'm afraid, is trying to give you outlets. Things that help you destress and vent pent up emotions will be far more effective than trying to repress them
My only consistent outlet is exercising.
I am trying to get back into drawing, or journalling or so on but I'm kinda spiralling a lot these days.

>As for controlling how to react when angry, look into mindfulness techniques. This kinda stuff is meant to trip your self perception breakers early
Do you have any techniques that you tend to follow?

>>39976667
>You need people to be emotionally open with more than anything right now, I feel. Though you also (most likely) need a lot of soothing that you might lack
I've been trying to open up to friends and family a little bit here and there.
I'm not good at keeping it real with people, I always worry I'll do something wrong and get into trouble or something.

>I am in an immensely stressful situation myself right now. These threads are a wonderful distraction, my friends support me as well, and I take time to retreat and do things that bring me comfort. Anxiety is a scared animal
I'm sorry to hear that, Anon.
I hope things become more stable for you soon.

>Telling it it is safe doesn't do much. A blanket, a warm bath, a soothing voice, comfort These things do
I see. That's does all sounds very nice.

>Sometimes you need to treat yourself like a hurt kitten
I have a hard time treating myself well but I suppose I'll have to, soon.

>>39976004
>If anything, you have given them more than enough chances.
It's hard to disagree.
>One of the things you definitely, urgently need are people aren't you that aren't shitty
But where do I find them? How do I stop them from instantly hating me? How do I stop them from feeling comfortable doing the same type of thing?

>>39977138
>>39977153
>You have a bit of a flight response to failure?
I've never really thought about it, but I think you may be right.

>what if you had a side project where 90% of the experience is failure
I'm not sure what kind of side project would fit that description...

>Do you generally find yourself in the habit acting on impulse?
Absolutely. I think I somewhat understand why I do as well.... It's something I've been trying to work on (with minimal success).

>poke me on Wed latest
will do

>Would it help to have a lie you can practice in advance?
Maybe? I don't really like lying though, and I'm not sure I could even come up with one convincing enough...

>if you find yourself experiencing distress it is better to alleviate quickly
yeah... but at the same time, I've gone so long dealing with it, what's another few months? and posting in this general has taken a bit of the edge off of the distress.

>Would you be in financial trouble?
No, I inherited a decent chunk when my grandpa died, which would likely be enough to cover all aspects of transition + some left over (which would be kind of funny if I used it for that cause he was a hardcore anti-lgbt guy lol)

>Somehow, you have a block where the online solution is qualified as "not real enough" in a sense
I think it's actually more related to the fact that I exist in real life much differently to how I do online, and I think I feel some amount of safety by keeping my real life and online 'selves' separate...

>it IS scary because big, disruptive changes are.
I had a thought at some point between my last reply and now that's kind of made it feel less scary to me: people far more successful than me have fucked their lives up in much worse ways for much dumber reasons than this.
It might not be the best way to look at it but it's certainly calmed my anxiety over being wrong about everything... and even if I am wrong, HRT would do so many things that I want very much.

>>39977262
Yea, I think the problem there is what excites me can be sometimes toxic (in sort of a saviour complex or ego driven sense). Like my motivation with the RM (marines, can't recall if i said before) was about finding a way to be the person you'd call on if everything was going to shit and that you'd trust to handle it with absolute professionalism. Like I've been lucky and known some pretty exceptional people (the types who will get called on a moments notice to go fix something on the other side of the planet - actually have a mutual friend with one of the divers from the Thai cave rescue if that gives you an idea) and that's where I aspire to be.
I want to be dependable and highly capable but also to be thought of that way at least within relevant circles (which like, that's pretty fucken difficult if you're known to be trans because social bias).
I suppose I get a little bit of that in my current job, but that's mostly because I'm vastly overqualified.

Saw a nuclear engineering apprenticeship I'm interested in and maybe fit the criteria for (prior experience in eng etc) mostly cause it's technical and actually interesting (to other people, i care what people think too much).

Idk it's 7:30am and I'm off a nightshift this is all probably a bit scatterbrained. Appreciate you reading my rambling tho <3

BUMP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

pump

Mom passed away, surrounded by her two remaining family members.

>>39976667
>Very understandable, you are in a garbo situation and I really would love to ave you surrounded by more people that make you feel safe
This move is very rough on me but things back home are bleak for jobs and quality of life.
Businesses keep shutting down, the economy is tanked and the whole country isn't getting better thus far.
Unless online/remote becomes less bloated sometime soon, my current routine is primarily a local job hunt.

>This shit is hard, and you gotta be very generous with yourself, not everyone would have even come this far
I always feel crummy trying to give myself credit.

>Your efforts are laudable even if you are not in a position where you have the energy or will to celebrate that
Thank you, Anon.

I also want to thank you for consistently following up with all these posts despite the difficulties and the effort involved.
I hope all is well, and/or gets better for you.

>>39983044
I'm really sorry about that, Anon.

I hope you and your family are doing okay at the present moment, despite how awful this will feel for you all.

My condolences and best of luck.

I would love to be able to only use the internet just to do basic banking stuff, work email and learning from useful resources, but I always end up getting distracted, browsing and scrolling aimlessly, deluded into thinking I will find something that's gonna finally click and change my life, but I can never get myself to do anything productive.

>>39977262
>>39983044
the second post is also you, I assume, based on the flag and content. My condolences, siganon. I am sorry for your loss. I’m glad my words resonated with you while they could.

>>39984995
I do roughly the same, only with less purpose.
One thing that has helped me is keeping my most important notes on papers offline, so I wont fall into the 6 hour scroll hole as easily when checking dates and numbers.
Another thing is switching out my phones default browser to Firefox Focus instead of regular Firefox (it limits you to 1 tab open at the time), and making checklists in advance when searching for stuff so I know when Ive drifted too far away from my original goal.
it beats using those time restriction programs/addons that exist imo, but it isnt perfect

Nightly bump!!!!

>>39980747
I have to be the most brainwormed individual.
People are expressing romantic/sexual/other interest in me and I'm just like
>Oh they wouldn't actually like me I'm a hideous creature my appearance online is all fake
Even though it isn't like I'm not filtering shit, I'm intentionally trying to not angle fraud. And I can objectively look at these thoughts and recognise they're nonsense but I can't push myself to move past them.
I think I'll be better once my hair's fully grown out and I've started laser, got 12 days off coming up gonna actually bite the bullet and do a consult. My skin is so fucked up from shaving all the time :/.

I think I need to girlmode at a queerbar of some kind just as I am, hopefully prove to myself that I'm not hideous in the flesh.

bump.

>>39988258
Morningly bo-wump.

>>39988839
>girlmode at a queerbar
That sounds like a good idea. Once you start forcing yourself away from the confines of your mind and home it gets easier to do it again, I feel.
Regarding the feeling of being a hideous monster versus people feeling attracted to you something that helped me accept the possibility of it mentally is the thought that even if I feel like I’m ugly I have to respect that others have differing opinions.
I guess it’s in the same vein as not mocking someone for liking a hobby I dislike, or eating something I find disgusting - I may not feel what they feel, but I’d be an ass if I denied them the right to enjoy it.

>>39990792
>it gets easier to do it again
Ye, i mean I've done it with other stuff before but I have this struggle of like being able to justify why I'm trans when I have a need to be able to explain myself to people. For running when I was fat(ter anyway) the answer was obvious and easily digestible but for transition? I've got nothing aside "my emotional range isn't shot to shit and I dont want to disassociate from seeing myself". It's stupid, i just need to bite the bullet otherwise I'll always be at "oh i just need to be a little more presentable" ad nauseum.
>Differing opinions
I guess I worry that I cant control other peoples expectations, I have a lot of contradictions that arent immediately apparent or easily explainable and I hate not knowing how people might react to that, I have to force myself not to write novels on my dating profiles.
If only I could read minds to figure out if someone has understood me correctly.

My eyes keep forcing themselves shut in protest atm so might come back to this

hey sig, how many miles should I try to run tomorrow?

>>39982970
kitty

Night time bump.

>>39993124
at least 3

>>39993124
How many do you usually run? Let's say you'd aim for 30 minutes.

Up you go, /sig/. I have responses i need to write, you cant die on me

I feel bad today…I should t complain but here I am doing exactly that
I am just gonna rot in bed I guess.
I hope everyone is ok. That’s all I can do.
Me? No I’m not. Comparison is the death of happiness I guess. I feel so…unreal yet again. Guess it never leaves.

bump, seems the catalogue had a sewage pipe break

bump

>>39997336
Understood.

>>39992954
Dumb blogpost because i am cursed with thoughts (also bump)
Feeling a lot of physical weakness/fatigue today.
Not sure if it's the overtime hitting me or HRT or diet. I should be by all rights in a surplus when I'm consuming like 2k+ a day but it sure doesn't feel that way.

I feel like I'm prone to overestimating how fast HRT is hitting me but at the same time I can literally see in gym pictures I'm not as big as I was 3 months ago and I am getting breast development. Idk if having previous cycles just made it hit faster this time or if it's cause im on a relatively high dose. Just wish it would smooth my skin out more.

My hair's growing in nicely, it's getting near my shoulders and I only really want it down to just below that.
Have a lot of anxiety about this upcoming army thing that I was too stupid to withdraw from until it's kinda too late to do without being a dick, ig I'll just tell the medical staff I'm on HRT and that'll DQ me, maybe ask if I have any path forward with that but honestly I've kind of lost interest (at least until im transitioned).
It feels really dumb to have some of the background I have while being a tranner, like I know intimately how hard I can push myself if I have to. Also like just weird unease creeping in because I rely on strength for work and it gave me (as a guy anyway) a high level of confidence because I always felt I could brute force problems in a pinch (from social to job related etc). Not sure how to carry myself, guess it's part of the proces

bump

evening bump

>>39999073
>I hope everyone is ok. That’s all I can do.
Me too.
I hope things get better for you as well, Anon.

I'll catch up with you all tomorrow, God I'm so tired of.

bump!

I'm taking my meds, but my healthcare keeps adding in bureaucracy to make my psychiatric meds/HRT harder and harder to get, to the point where it's just getting ridiculous
I also wanna get better at my hobbies, and get on top of my health and lose some weight, but it's all so much I don't know where to start
It's just paralyzing, there are so many things I know I should change, I can't pick just one and fucking start, so I just stay perfectly still and rot as days go by
I wanna do better, I wanna get better, I just... was never shown HOW to get better, and now at my age I feel like I'm too old to even start

>What he had wanted to say was: “All the other officers have two or three children by now and they read letters from home over and over again, and look at pictures their kids have drawn of houses and the sun and flowers. Those men have thrown opportunity away – there’s no hope for them any more. I’ve never done much, but I’ve lived my whole life thinking of myself as the only real man. And if I’m right, then a limpid, lonely horn is going to trumpet through the dawn someday, and a turgid cloud laced with light will sweep down, and the poignant voice of glory will call for me from the distance – and I’ll have to jump out of bed and set out alone. That’s why I’ve never married. I’ve waited, and waited, and here I am past thirty.

>>39951519
>what would you like me to call you, for short?
You can call me Tim if you'd like. I'll respond to your other replies at a later point, if that's okay.

I’ve been keeping up with my shows like To Be Hero X and Idol Precure my god do I love magical girls I always wanted to have a magical girl transformation as a kid still do. I’ve been watching some other shows as well to try to entertain myself with and been watching some movies. I’ve always wanted to have movie night to watch movies with someone I always wanted to do that with my brother, but he moved away so now I am doing it by myself now. There were times I wanted to watch a movie with my brother, but I never watched them because my brother was busy so now I am watching those movies on my own. Now that I feel a bit more like myself now I finally like I am in my 20s and soon to be 25 next week it’s a bit sad that now I feel like I have myself but the years have flown past me. I haven’t got my driver’s license, issues with my brain, and just general stuff that never resolved. There are at times when my mind feels off, but it is getting better. It looks like one more class and I will be done with my college and might get my AA-T I believe and go to a university, but I am still undecided atm.

Updates tomorrow.
>>39986143
Thank you, Shinjinon. It's a difficult thing, but at least things will normalize again soon. Again.. thank you.
>>39983394
Thanks Anon, if nothing else I can say that we have been doing as ok as we can. Soon it will just be paperwork that will become less and less urgent... soon.

>>40013590
Dont repress your sadness anon
Let it be
It’s ok to not be ok
Msybe I’m reading too much into it
I am sorry for that
Again… my condolences

>>40013590
Thank you for still communicating with us, Anon.
You are very strong to do so.

Wow, /sig/ has bunny pictures these days

>>40018108
Yeah that's my bad sorry, I can never find anything relevant to my posts.

>>40018573
No, I love rabbits. I put out water for the wild ones in my garden :3

To the surprise of probably nobody I've been a little out of it recently. But today I will catch up with sig.
>>39978043
Oh I see, it didn't even occur to me! Looking good though already, hope you find a nice solution for the pimples (and ofc that you can get your top in the near future).
>>39978926
What kinda spirals are they? Some feelings, like anger, often need something cathartic. For me it can help to just vent my anger and express it to someone, ranting for 10-20 minutes until it fizzles out. The friends I do this with understand, and do the same when they need it.
>Do you have any techniques that you tend to follow?
A couple, yeah. With friends I very often try to articulate my feelings to the best of my ability, or sometimes take a moment to try and put into words how I am feeling in a given moment. I noticed I am the most volatile when I grow faintly aware of being agitated and start pushing these thoughts away. "The situation is escalating" is a thought I find myself having more often *before* it's too late these days. It doesn't reliably snap me out of it yet, however. Another thing I personally really, REALLY need to learn is to walk away and deescalate that way.
>>39979303
>I'm not good at keeping it real with people, I always worry I'll do something wrong and get into trouble or something.
I am sure that this comes from your past lived experience, especially coming from a messy family situation where people sometimes react with volatility to things entirely unrelated to the problem can cause us to become anxious. After all, if we feel like there is no rhyme or reason to when people blow up at us, we start to think it's our fault somehow, even though the reality is more often than not the reasons they reacted that way was completely removed from us.
>I hope things become more stable for you soon.
Well, the brunt of paperwork will be the next two weeks, a funeral on Saturday... and then things will slow down.

>>39970459

there's no good threads on 4chins

>>39979630
>How do I stop them from instantly hating me?
You've gotta have faith that people will broadly fall into two categories: those where you think that they hate you cause you are so used to the idea (but they don't actually), and those too volatile to bother with. For now I can only promise you these people exist.
>How do I stop them from feeling comfortable doing the same type of thing?
In general, sad as it is, there is very little we can do to make them change. By my analogy with stepping on feet earlier, you can make them aware, but if they see no reason to take action it is them that failed you, not the other way around.
>But where do I find them?
That's the big question, and I feel we should focus our back and forth on "what places do I have available?" and "how do I select people?". It would actually be nice to find a couple people for you, people that are a fresh start, and you first of all try things on your own. Then, should things go awry, you could then give me a play by play of the interaction (because I have an easier time spotting a concrete communication issues). With that I could give you suggestions for what about this was/is in your power to mend.
>>39980747
>I want to be dependable and highly capable
You wish to be relied upon, I think what you are craving on that front is way more social in nature than anything else. Which is wonderful! There is a TON of meaning we derive from our interactions with other people. But at the same, is it really a career goal? Or perhaps a relationship goal in the dress of a career aspiration?
>it's technical and actually interesting (to other people)
This is a very interesting point. Suppose ANY subject you touch would lead to you being THE go-to address for people, a real pillar of the community. If that was a given, what are the subjects that interest you? Especially if, no matter the subject, you will be around people endlessly fascinated by it?
>Appreciate you reading my rambling tho <3
Always!

>>39980645
>I'm not sure what kind of side project would fit that description...
Well, drawing or other creative hobbies are a go-to. All craftsmanship is about failing partially. Your first knitted scarf will look like an accident compared to your tenth.
>Absolutely. I think I somewhat understand why I do as well
Would you be comfortable sharing what you think is the reason?
>>poke me on Wed latest
>will do
Perfect! Still catching up with the thread, if you've pinged me already, awesome, if not, today's the day!
>Maybe? I don't really like lying though
Well, how about vitamin supplements? Some pins, something like that. Or an hdmi adapter. Something boring like that. I could tailor something more convincing if I knew more about your interests.
>I've gone so long dealing with it, what's another few months?
Take it from me, that's the devil talking. But I don't wanna pressure you, either.. it's tricky, because if I push you too hard I would actually discourage you, but we as people often push things into the "eventually" bin.
>cause he was a hardcore anti-lgbt guy
ngl that would be hilarious.
>keeping my real life and online 'selves' separate
While I fully understand that, wouldn't that be more a matter of separating social media handles from your real identity? Like, take online banking. They only know your real life self even though you communicate online.
>It might not be the best way to look at it but it's certainly calmed my anxiety
That is what matters most. How you do it is immaterial, your well-being comes first.
>>39984995
A common rec is to have a dedicated machine in a dedicated place for that, one that is stripped down and distraction free, could even be a library computer. Though the technical solutions would require a bit of scripting I suppose (blocking IPs and such).

>>39988839
>And I can objectively look at these thoughts and recognise they're nonsense but I can't push myself to move past them.
Oh no girl you are actually picrel aren't you. Actually, this can help sometimes, trying to drag these brainworms into the humorous. Some thoughts are more easily coped with by trying to turn them into something ridiculous in your head. "Yeah I'm sure he is only mating pressing me to be polite. The way he pins me into the mattress is totally anglefrauding my face.."
Also seconding shinjinon, it's a good idea to go out.
>I think I'll be better once my hair's fully grown out and I've started laser, got 12 days off coming up gonna actually bite the bullet and do a consult.
Awesome, looking forward to that update!
>>39983368
>I always feel crummy trying to give myself credit.
I understand that, so I hope external affirmation makes it easier to swallow. You are granted permission to give yourself credit, so to say.
>I also want to thank you for consistently following up with all these posts despite the difficulties and the effort involved.
I'm happy to. It's not always easy, but at least it is something I have control over in my life. Something I choose to do. And that alone already makes it valuable beyond the happiness I feel knowing I can make a small difference.
>>39999073
It becomes less frequent, I've been told.
>>40004144
>I am getting breast development.
The tiddening is upon us. I'm happy to hear your progress is coming along nicely. And no matter how they react, I am sure things will pan out. You're not alone in all this, okay? You are figuring things out at a good pace.

>>40010592
If you are in the US you can force them to give you the names and credentials of every single person accessing your record. The one to ask for that is their mandated HIPAA Compliance/Privacy Officer. This is normally a way to grab them by the nuts when they actually deny you but it is good to keep in mind.
>I also wanna get better at my hobbies, and
oh, which ones?
>get on top of my health and
besides weight, what's on your mind?
>lose some weight
compute your BMI and TDEE from the resources in the pastebin. I will walk you through the rest.
>It's just paralyzing, there are so many things I know I should change,
Analysis paralysis, yes. Buridan's ass is a nice mental image for it, a donkey starving because it can't choose between two hay bales of equal distance and size. You are never too old to start. Some people only get to live at 40. Some even later. We are preventing you from that fate today.
One trick for binary decision making is: flip a coin, declaring what outcome represents what choice in advance. Then look at the result. If you feel disappointed, do the opposite of what the coin says, if you can't tell how you feel or are happy with the result, or worse, unsure, consider the coin's decision law and commit.
>>40011294
A cute name, Tim. Take all the time you need, okay? I'm right here.
>>40014972
I don't, at least not consciously. Emotionally I am in a limbo. It is.. all very fresh, and while I sometimes cry, sometimes mourn, I would not manage to feel this way all the time. There is so much to do at the moment, I will need a while for everything to sink in. Thankfully I have my loved ones to lean on when it inevitably happens.
>>40016409
Thank you, Anon.. I'm doing my best to stay on top of things without straining myself. I think I am doing alright.

I need rest now. See you.
>>40018108
We are blessed with bun bun pictures, yes!
>>40012127
I remember having watched a few magical girl shows as a kid, DoReMi among others. Fond memories.
Sounds like things are slowly but surely falling into place, with many things to still work on. I know it feels like you are "old" or that it took long, but I think it's important to remember that a TON of people barely get to work on their own lives until they are anywhere from 18-21. And this gained independence takes a while to get used to. People that study often don't mature until they hit the age of 23. In other words with 25 the average person has lived maybe 2-3 years of adulthood. I hope this is comforting.
And I hope you get to watch stuff with friends and loved ones in the many years of adulthood ahead of you!
>It looks like one more class and I will be done with my college and might get my AA-T I believe and go to a university, but I am still undecided atm.
I think it is good you take your time in that regard!

>>40019927
>Hobbies
Drawing and playing bass. Both things require time, of which I can't seem to get enough of in a day.
>Health
Just weight loss, I'm tired of being a land whale, but also lack the energy to make healthier food options and exercise. I had tried to stick to 1300 cals before, got some kilograms off, but I rebounded back some kilos again.
55% bodyfat, 2259 TDEE, BMI 41,4
>Coin analogy
It could work, maybe, I'll think on it

>>40019303
>What kinda spirals are they? Some feelings, like anger, often need something cathartic
Anger, Sadness or Mania (?)
I usually try to freak out when and where nobody can see.

>For me it can help to just vent my anger and express it to someone, ranting for 10-20 minutes until it fizzles out. The friends I do this with understand, and do the same when they need it
I see what you are saying.
I love in a small town right now, so my father is insistent I try to keep the lid on and not let people in this town think there is something wrong with me.
Even though I'm pretty sure there is something wrong.

>>40019303
>A couple, yeah. With friends I very often try to articulate my feelings to the best of my ability, or sometimes take a moment to try and put into words how I am feeling in a given moment
I have been trying to do so with my friends back home, bit by bit.

>I noticed I am the most volatile when I grow faintly aware of being agitated and start pushing these thoughts away. "The situation is escalating" is a thought I find myself having more often *before* it's too late these days. It doesn't reliably snap me out of it yet, however
I feel like I am in a similar camp.
Being aware of my feelings doesn't always help much.

>Another thing I personally really, REALLY need to learn is to walk away and deescalate that way
Me too, although sometimes I feel like a have zero control over that.

How delusional is going for a math degree when I'm currently bad at it and have all summer to study and focus daily to get ready for it?
I already started and I'm doing trig.
I never had the motivation to do anything, I want to do something while I still have time (mid 20s) and I always wished I had taken math seriously.

>>40019303
>I am sure that this comes from your past lived experience,
Anon, if I could trade away every 'good' family memory in exchange for everyone in our family having a level of financial independence from each other, I would.
Money is all that matters at the end of the day.
My parents were never meant to be together, let alone bringing a dead-end like me in the world.
My siblings are the only worth while people that came about from all this...whatever this is.

>especially coming from a messy family situation where people sometimes react with volatility to things entirely unrelated to the problem can cause us to become anxious
I genuinely despise when our family decides to get together for vacations or holidays (despite the fact we are apparently always one bad day away from losing everything and becoming destitute).
It's a constant test of anxiety and frustrations, I have no sway in the decisions that gets made around me.

>After all, if we feel like there is no rhyme or reason to when people blow up at us, we start to think it's our fault somehow,
I must be my fault a little for not being financially independent yet...or something...honestly my brain can't keep up with this stuff any more.

>even though the reality is more often than not the reasons they reacted that way was completely removed from us
A fair point.

>>40019788
>I understand that, so I hope external affirmation makes it easier to swallow
It does a little bit, thank you, Anon.

>You are granted permission to give yourself credit, so to say
That's a relief.

bump

>>40019788
>I've been told.
Right? but I keep...complaining...sorry
I am sorry I am so heavy sometimes
I wanna be better and get better
Need to rest
hopefully a good reset helps

>>40019927
>Thankfully I have my loved ones to lean on when it inevitably happens.
it is good to rely on others yes <3
please take the utmost care ok? I mean it.

>>39992954
>>40004144
(Sorry, I thought I would wait a little)
> I've got nothing aside "my emotional range isn't shot to shit and I dont want to disassociate from seeing myself”
That sounds reasonable enough as a justification to my ears. I know it’s easy to dismiss personal comfort as “nothing” when society drills into your head that discomfort and emotional responses are worthless excuses for being weak, but in reality that idea is borne from weakness and discomfort itself. Some will always seek to push others to accept discomfort in order to decrease their own.
>contradictions
>expectations
Hmm I think if theres one thing that can help on that front it’s making the people you meet aware of these contradictions early on. It doesnt have to be a long speech or anything, but a few hints and casual mentions here and there are better than nothing. I’m aware that doesnt really solve the issue of not knowing how they’ll react, however. If it’s taking up a lot of space in your mind and causing you anxiety I’d recommend reading up on body language and statistics related to sociology and psychology, to create a mental library of known behavioural patterns to refer to to keep yourself calmer. Being able to fight your own fear with numbers can be quite comforting.

>>40007821
I hope you slept alright bunanon. Take care alright
>>39999073
Unreality and depersonalisation is awful. I hope the haze lifts for you soon.
>>40013590
It is… I’m glad it seems like you’re expecting at least some level of normalcy in the future, however. That can be a big help.
>>40021320
I had a friend who went from all Fs in our basic level high school math class to all As in an advanced level summer course, so it’s not impossible.

>>40019649
>drawing or other creative hobbies are a go-to.
I've been messing around with music production and djing... I think maybe that counts? Funnily enough, I think actually getting into making music was one of the main catalysts for me to decide I should actually do something about the dysphoria... it's kind of hard to do something expressive when the part of you that wants to be expressed is being pushed down and hidden.

>Would you be comfortable sharing what you think is the reason?
Yeah, the only reason I didn't was it felt kind of long-winded. I think I mostly do things impulsively because most of the time, when I try to plan things with people, they don't end up actually happening. Especially with my mom growing up. She'd talk a lot about vacation plans, places we could go, things we could do... and then we'd never do them. But not just her, I've had a lot of cases where a friend group I'm part of would be talking about some thing we could do, but without fail, if that thing wasn't happening within a week or two, it wouldn't actually happen. I think it's kind of warped my view of making plans, as the only things that would actually happen were the impulsive things.

>today's the day
I didn't end up going... I didn't wake up til 4pm yesterday and today I had a dentist appointment that I had completely forgotten about. The advisor's office is only open Mon-Wed, so I have to wait til Monday at least to try again......

>Something boring like that.
I might be able to figure something like that out.

>we as people often push things into the "eventually" bin.
you're right, and I feel like I've already wasted so much time not doing it, I really shouldn't keep putting it off...

>wouldn't that be more a matter of separating social media handles from your real identity?
kind of? I'm not too sure, I might have to think more about this...

Developed a mouth ulcer, think it was a combo of eating terribly on shift and a bit of stress/sleep deprivation from that, sucks tho. At least my payslip is big this week.
>>40019788
>it's a good idea to go out.
The impulse to try and girlmode is pretty intolerable now, mostly because I'm close to it being a safe-ish possibility. The waiting is pretty torturous. It's weird, I mostly just want to as a gauge of how like "palatable" I am societally, it's hard to judge what I need to work on without a good reference point.
>Yeah I'm sure he is only mating pressing me to be polite.
Lol. Despite cypro killing a lot of my sex drive the thoughts do not go away (well, that and my bisexuality has decided to fight back at me with regards to men).
>You're not alone in all this, okay?
I appreciate it, I'm trying to rewire my brain back into some of the mindset I had going last year to handle the brainworms sometimes.
Having to mentally quantify transition as a form of bodybuilding just to put myself in the right headspace to accept that things aren't going to all happen overnight. Just put a few mental restraints back in place so I'm not completely unhinged.
>>40020125
>I had tried to stick to 1300 cals before
T.Went from 105kg to 73kgish (about 20kg of that in one 4-5 month shot, then really most of the last year to drop to 73).
That's too drastic a deficit for your current state anon, which is probably a contributing factor to the rebound, 1300 is a figure I targeted when I was dropping weight at around 95-82kg (and I was doing a good amount of cardio as well) but for you your maintenance level is likely significantly higher, i'd really look at 1600-1800 at minimum for a while.
Like i'm trying to drop to 65kg and I'm seriously struggling to hold my 1600kcal allowance while working so I can't imagine 1300 being viable, and my base metabolic rate is really only just over 1600 maybe 1700 (but I do a lot of exercise/physical job in cold environment)

>>40027081
I'll try to see if 1600-1800 is more manageable for me and move from there even if it's slower then
Doing 1300 was definitely hell
I'm at 121kg (I was 126kg when I first started). I got down to 114kg ish before rebounding back to my current 121kg
Ideally I should weigh around 65-70kg for my height, I think, so I'm pretty fat, but I'll get there eventually, I hope

Is 21 too late to start exploring the feminine side of myself?

I repressed a lot as a kid cause my mom was really harsh and always told me I needed to 'man up', but I feel like I can't suppress this side of me anymore

>>40025947
>(Sorry, I thought I would wait a little)
It's all good, I mostly just try and get my thoughts out here, and I have way too many when I'm working (well and when I'm tired). I'm an incurable rambler :P
>I know it’s easy to dismiss personal comfort as “nothing”
I think part of the issue is I also mentally trained myself to do that, it's not something I bolted a switch onto when I was sort of conditioning myself for it (which I have done for other things), so I've not figured out how to turn it off yet.
This like relates to that whole contradictions thing, I like being softer/gentler and I guess weaker a lot of the time, but sometimes I just mentally flip and it's normally not a conscious choice.
>making the people you meet aware of these contradictions early on.
Yeah, I think I just worry about scaring people off if they expect me to respond in certain ways, like when I have task overload I just tend to go non-verbal and end up being, I guess, fairly aggressive (not necessarily like angry or lashing out but just very much head down, emotionally cut off type deal).
Thinking about it, probably stems from childhood, didn't have the easiest time at school (socially) but my brother had it worse so I ended up suppressing my own emotional needs for the sake of not causing more problems.
Too much to try and talk myself through at 2am and I'm rambling away from the point.

I'll have a look, try and figure out how people handle that sort of thing Too much of my emotional regulation is rooted in just repressing shit.
>>40027451
No, it's not too late, but also that image is heinous and definitely some sort of cognito hazard.

>>40021320
Not delusional at all. The first semester math course should go over the later high school curriculum (with extra details) anyway so you have more time than you think. Fun doesn't kick in until second semester.

Pro-tips:
>MIT OCW has like a full undergrad curriculum available online including problem sets, exams, solutions, lecture notes/videos
>Paul's Online Math Notes is another great free resource that covers first and second year calculus
>best way to grind out math skill is PRACTICE PROBLEMS, even if you struggle on them. Growth mindset!
>if you also take physics: you will need differential equations and linear algebra long before they show up in your math classes, plan accordingly (MIT also has a great selection of physics content!)
>a significant portion of hot-shot students underestimate the university environment and bomb calc 1, so don't get intimidated by their smugness. They will be crying within 2 months

>>40019303
>Well, the brunt of paperwork will be the next two weeks, a funeral on Saturday...and then things will slow down
I am sorry you have to go through all of this, Anon.
I wish you the best, I'm sure you will be okay.

>>39903222 (OP)
I want male attention, that’s the improvement i want

Okay, back! That trip took a LOT out of me, more than I thought it would - it's been hard to even get on the computer. But I had fun!
>>39934409
Sorry I left ya hanging, anon. I hope you found the answers you needed.
Honestly, a LOOOT of context is missing here. Is this online? Offline? Did an argument happen? Being hard ignored is rough, but there could be a lot of reasons they went that route. It may not necessarily mean they don't care, but I'd say its very likely that for whatever reason they just don't have the energy to care enough. Do they have a lot going on in their lives? How close were you? Like, was this a best friend just ghosting you, or just an acquaintance? It's really really hard to draw conclusions.
I've definitely left people in the dark before - not often, because it's a sucky thing, but its happened. For me it was always a case of "life overwhelmed me and I was forced to pick and choose my battles". Something to remember with dealing with others is that they are always fighting battles you will never see.
Probably best not to think about it. If they want to talk, they'll probably talk.
>>39952389
>If something is a written message, it shouldn't matter whether you've taken attentive or not if you take the time to read it.
I kinda disagree. There are different ways to ingest written messages, and not everyone operates on the same basic level. Some people take everything at surface level unless prompted, while others will pick apart every detail and subtext they can. I've experienced that the former can lead to "inattentiveness", whilst the later can cause someone to draw false conclusions (no matter how analytical someone thinks they are, they aren't as good at is as they believe.)
I think it's a matter of reading the crowd - some conversations require you to look a bit deeper, and others can get you hurt if you read too deep.

Okay, I'm back from my trip. It was really really fun! In fact, I think in the span of 72ish hours, I experienced something approximating happiness for the first time in nearly a decade. I spent a LOT of time on the streets of my hometown just kinda reconnecting with the culture during the day and a lot of time on VC with my online friends in the evening. I don't get to VC much at home because my husband is jealous and gets upset if I talk to them for too long. (more on that later)
Met up with a trans friend I made online about a year ago. We walked around a lot, got food, tried on dresses at the clothes store, and just generally talked about all kinds of stuff. On the first day out, I walked more in heels than I ever have - my feet were so sore, but it was worth it! I kinda wish I could just hang out like that with someone I get along with every day - hell even just "now and again" would be a cut above.
I was, several times, struck completely speechless how pretty she is, too - especially when she was lost in thought. I think she thought I was getting bored, but I was actually just at a loss of words for a moment - whoops.
Met up with my brother and cousin and had a blast with them, too. Talked about life and problems n' such. Funnily enough, despite being such a huge city, most of the people I met were within maybe a 10 minute walk of each other (the last being maybe a 10 min drive). Small world, sometimes.
Each person talked to me about moving back home soon. I'm thinking about it, but the fact that my home state is Republican country doesn't quite make up for the deep blue city. I want to go back, because I felt really happy - but I'm scared of what the future may hold. A little hung up there. I need to decide soon, because my job lets me go in Nov...

>>40029822
My friend saw me off on my last day after hanging out for a few hrs. I was struck with a sense of melancholy once we went our separate ways, and some of her last words ("I want you to come to <city name>") hung in my mind the whole ride back. I kinda was struck with the kind of feeling I got when I enlisted... like a rope was closing around my neck and pulling me away from happiness... I wanted to run, but I knew that would be even worse.

I've been thinking a lot lately... What do you do in a hopeless situation, when happiness seems to have become impossible? That's what life feels like to me over the past year or two. Nothing in my current life brings me any joy except the small group of queer friends I've made online. Sure, my kids give me sparks of it, but they bring quite a lot of frustration as well and... it makes me feel bad that I often wish I could just walk away - I can't and won't because their lives are best with me... but my life pretty much is a cycle of work > childcare > chores > repeat on endless loop and it's grinding my soul away...
Doesn't help that me and my husband are at odds. I think our relationship is dead in the water. Even when things are "better", he feels like a roommate at best, not a lover or a partner. And when things are bad, they're really bad... the way he belittles me just shatters my soul - and he threatens suicide if I even suggest something is wrong with our relationship, so therapy is off the table...
There's a lot more to it, but this is already gonna be a 2 part post... I was, for a brief moment, happy, and now that I'm back in my house sitting on my couch with my laptop typing this out... the sudden immersion into misery has been enough to draw tears multiple times each day...

That's more than enough blog posting from me. I'll prob loop through the thread after some other folks have made some replies so I haven't posted enough. Just kinda wanted get some stuff out
Question for the crowd: What makes you happy?

>>40029822
*the fact thaty home city is deep blue doesn't make up for it being republican country
Ope, fuckied my sentence bad there.

>>40019568
>For now I can only promise you these people exist.
I have a hard time believing that. My reading on bullies indicates they know how to be kind, but choose not to with regard to their victims. My problem is that anyone who talks to me outside of brief exchanges seems to be a bully or devoted to a bully.
>I feel we should focus our back and forth on "what places do I have available?" and "how do I select people?".
I've made some attempts. Simply adding someone off of a contact exchange thread hasn't worked, probably because of not having much in common or much reason to interact outside of intentioned messages. The big failure leading me to post here was actually related to a place related to one of my biggest interests.
Because I live somewhere extremely isolated, I'm more or less limited to online interactions, which I'm aware is part of the issue.
I don't quite follow what you mean by your last paragraph logistically speaking.

>>40029684
>Sorry I left ya hanging, anon.
You are not.
>I hope you found the answers you needed.
I did not.
>Being hard ignored is rough, but there could be a lot of reasons they went that route.
You didn't bother to explain. Yes, you. You ignored my lengthy apology (which I spent hours writing, not that you care) and never mentioned it. You ignored me asking if despite everything you wanted to try to be friends... The other poster is correct. I've done everything in my power to make things right with you, and you've chosen at every turn to make yourself and your friends my enemies. You destroyed something I cared about deeply, and wrecked my mental health, and I know after tonight you'll never think of me again. I was going to pretend not to recognize you, but your other posts were too much. Eat dirt and die quickly.

>>39903222 (OP)
I think I need to stop using discord so that I can stop thinking about her and get over her since she doesn't gaf at this point anymore.

>>40030272
I'm really at a loss of words. I think you may have me mistaken for someone else..? I only recently started posting here - if someone else used the Seraph name before me, that is entirely coincidental.
I hope you rest at least somewhat easy tonight. I will have you in my prayers.

>>40019788
>I'm happy to. It's not always easy, but at least it is something I have control over in my life
I totally get it.

>Something I choose to do. And that alone already makes it valuable beyond the happiness I feel knowing I can make a small difference
I totally understand what you mean.
I wanna seize more control of my life but it all feels...out of reach.

I have very little money, influence, resources or much of anything at all to help me too.
It all feels too much these days.
But I keep going, nowhere else to go really.

>>40030307
If you aren't who I suspect then I apologize. You just seem to have the same life issues, the same place of living, the same sorts of friends, the same issues in your personal life... and a very similar username. Recent events have put me on edge and you remind me of someone who despises everything about me. Though it isn't right to lash out at strangers, I hope you at least understand that if you WERE the same, you would have been prodding an open wound.

>>40024135
bwump

I am so glad I spent some time with my friends before I left.

>>40030492
I understand, it's okay. The Internet is a big place, even though it can be very small sometimes. It sounds like I have a doppelganger! I think I can explain a few of these things, tho:
My particular career field has a lot of trans women and only has on base. The military tends to attract repressing trans women, so you wind up with a lot of former repressors who enlisted and were married/had kids condensed to one spot suddenly discovering themselves. Military can be isolating, so a lot of us probably explore on the Internet. Mix isolation, self discovery, and the tendency for both the mil and transness to break marriages and you wind up with a lot of babytrans with broken marriages trying to figure themselves out online living in the same general area.
As for the name... I dunno. I picked something that references the flaming ones from biblical literature because I want to reach a state of purity - and I also like this character who has an obvious nun aesthetic going on. Maybe your not-friend had similar aspirations?
Im very sorry my presence and background incensed you so. I wish I could have noticed sooner that something was wrong. I hope you did rest well.

>>40019927
1/2

>Take all the time you need, okay?
Thank you...
>>39951481
>Do respond to him. It's a start.
Yeah, I probably should... But he waited until his life isn't a shitshow, so I think I will too.
>I mainly deal with quantum mechanics stuff at work so linear algebra and friends are closer to my day to day than relativity or biology, but I do have some fun tidbits to share.
I know nothing about modern physics in general honestly lol. Like, not even on a popsci level. I have more of an applied math/software "engineering"/engineering background. Linear algebra is cool tho. I've recently started a course on vector analysis but I dropped it again, maybe I should finish it sometime...
>have you ever had a crack at poetry?
I've written some poetry in the past. I don't really like most of it though, looking back. I mostly just write my journal these days.
Do you write poetry? What kind of poetry do you like?

>>39951481
2/2


>Are you doing a small angle approximation for one or both arms of the pendulum?
I did a small angle approximation for the potential energy after I derived the formula for that, but I did all of the manipulation math otherwise. It was a good exercise methinks.
I derived formulas for the potential energies, the kinetic energies, a Lagrangian and solved the Euler-Lagrange equations for the first angular function. I don't really understand the Euler-Lagrange equations, I just took them from Wikipedia because I've never studied calculus of variations. I think I would also have to solve them for the length functions. Maybe I'll look into it again later. Probably won't tho...
>still sorry to hear, having the floor collapse from under you is such a shitty feeling
Eh, it's not too bad. I'm grateful that I had my family to catch me. I really don't deserve them...
>what is the next step in your studies in that case
Not sure. I'm looking at a couple of schools to transfer to right now. But I don't really care. I'd get a degree, and then what... IDK
>the actual therapy half of your treatment
IDK, I think my therapist has been making more of an effort in that regard lately... Maybe it won't be necessary. Time will tell...
>it is mostly a matter of.. seeing a loved one for most likely the last time.
That's really terrible, anon. It really is. I don't know what else to say. I'm sure your mom would be proud of what you're doing here.

>>40032064
buwump

>>40027548
>I've not figured out how to turn it off yet.
Thats the difficult part, yeah, and I cant say Ive quite mastered it myself. The best Ive got is trying to ask yourself every now and then what you’d do or say to a friend if they were treating themselves as you are treating yourself. That, and maybe thinking of discomfort as a biological expression of need rather than a purely emotional response.
>sometimes I just mentally flip and it's normally not a conscious choice.
>I think I just worry about scaring people off
Without trying to armchair diagnose you, that sounds like a survival response stemming from learned behaviour, which I guess makes sense given the description of your childhood. Bullying can do far more long term damage than we’re commonly lead to believe, even lighter instances of it.
I know it’s hard not to fear these things, but if it’s of any help to hear it from a stranger I think most people are relatively forgiving if they’ve been properly prepared beforehand, and properly briefed afterwards.
Theres always going to be a few dickheads though, of course, but on average I’d say it works :)

>>40029822
>>40029832
>he threatens suicide if I even suggest something is wrong with our relationship
Sorry to hear it’s this bad between you two, Seraphanon...
There’s no way for me to phrase this politely:
Your husband sounds like an emotionally immature asshole who would happily trade in you and your childrens discomfort in exchange for longer naps and less work for himself.
Everybody needs friends, and ideally most of us need to see some of them at least once a week. Thats just how we are, as social animals.
Denying you the right to maintain this need on grounds of it causing him displeasure, then outright refusing to work on the insecurities that contribute to him feeling like this and slinging all responsibility for it onto you, is incredibly selfish and mean, not just towards you, but towards your children. I can’t tell you what to do, but no matter what you sacrifice for his comfort, and no matter how good you get at it, it will come at the cost of your childrens future understanding of relationships and marriage. If your basic needs arent being met - if you’re running around doing everything while he gets to slack off and have his way 100% of the time - that will become the basis for their default.
Even if I know it isnt easy, I would suggest finding a safe place where you can relocate to with your children and divorce him before things escalate or before you break entirely. This is no way to live - and no life to offer them.

What a cute general, I'm so proud of you all

Semi-bump.
Tomorrow I’ll be going to the doctor for another follow up consultation and the thought of it is making me feel … Well, I dont know what the right words for it are anymore. Dejected - Hopeless - Nervous - Mad. Fed up, maybe. Overwhelmed. Exhausted.
I’m out of antibiotics now. Minor side effects aside theres no doubt they helped, but I can tell whatever infection I have accumulated over the past 3-4 months of the doctors denying it isn’t cured for good.

On another note my mom had lunch with me the day I picked up my prescription.
I tried opening up about the fear I have for my brother following the time he wanted to kill me during his psychosis, and how it bothers me because I can tell he likes me now, but all I got out of it was a bitter snappy remark along the lines of “my mother had schizophrenia when I was I child and I had to navigate that too, think about that”, implying that I had to suck it up and move on because life was tough on her in the past.
I wasnt asking for blind sympathy. I just wanted some tips on how to make my relation to my brother as okay as possible without getting stabbed because I let my guard down at the wrong time.
I’m tired.

>>40034632
>I just wanted some tips on how to make my relation to my brother as okay as possible without getting stabbed because I let my guard down at the wrong time.
Hey shinji, I don't think I've ever been in a position as tough as yours. I still think I have some advice on this, because my relationship with my parents has been strained before too — although mostly on the basis on deeply converging political differences/worldviews.
One thing that worked for me is to take a somewhat detached, neutral stance on the things your parents say. I think the issue isn't so much that your parents don't want to consider your point of view, it's that they — at least right now — actually can't.
I think it's a good thing that you had lunch with your mom, despite the differences.
>I tried opening up about the fear I have for my brother following the time he wanted to kill me during his psychosis
My advice would be to not do things like that right now. You cannot depend on them for emotional support at this point. I think you need to take the perspective of a therapist to some degree. Just passively listen, maybe even try to say some thing you know they'll like. It's a bit manipulative, yes... So don't overdo it. But people need the feeling of being heard & understood. They're not giving that to you right now, so I think you'll have to be the one to do the work.

Also, and I know that's like elementary school advice, but try using "I statements" whenever possible. It really does work.
So yeah, I obviously don't know you or your parents, but from what I've gathered from your posts so far, these are the things I would try uwu

im probably going to need professional help, but I don't want to do anything anymore. it probably wouldnt really help me. i dont think anything really can. ive never enjoyed life. some days are harder than others. i just want to rest. its all so tiresome.

>>39983044
im so sorry

>>39983044
My condolences, anon.
t. tim

Thanks for replying anon. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had trouble talking to your parents too. It really sucks when you cant have a good healthy relation to someone you’re related to…
>deeply converging political differences/worldviews
I think in my moms case most of it stems from unresolved trauma and stress, but I can relate when it comes to my dad and my brother. Normally her and I talk just fine about politics even if we’re quite different, but the other two yell insults and threaten me lol
>take a somewhat detached, neutral stance on the things your parents say.
that’s more or less what I have been doing with my brother and dad, but with my mom thats… actually a massive no-go because it makes her angry with me.
With her I have to let her talk with no interruptions for as long as she wants, no matter what Im doing or how Im feeling, and then offer more subjective replies, reactions and suggestions as she goes along, otherwise she’ll accuse me of not caring and then direct her irritation with my father and brother towards me.
I’m pretty good at it by now, but it sucks.
She’ll spontaneously call (or walk into my room when Im back home) and talk for an hour about topics that I can best describe as being ptsd like in nature. Some of them involve me, which isnt very pleasant. Today in the car she was talking about things like the time a family member knocked me unconscious and how it affected her. It’s like that.
>cannot depend on them for emotional support at this point.
Yes, I think you’re right… I think my mistake was thinking that since I know she had been dealing with her mother’s psychotic breakdowns in childhood, and since Ive been acting as her therapist or main source of sympathy in the home for most of my life, I thought maybe she’d be able to offer some useful advice so I wouldnt have to hurt him by staying my distance.
But I guess it wasnt the time, and maybe it never will be.

>>40036638
>>40035685
… I forgot to link it back to you. Sorry for the long reply between, it got way longer than I thought

Goodnight bump, updates Fri-Sat, depending on my condition

how do i learn to be happy for others when im miserably lonely? i cant even bring myself to smile or fake one.

Bought myself some womens hiking trousers and a sports bra, so I guess I can technically boygirlmode now, although it's obviously not exactly a passing girlmode.
>>40033414
>thinking of discomfort as a biological expression of need rather than a purely emotional response.
I've been making a run at that the last couple of days. 6 days on shift and my knee pain was acting up so I've just been forcing myself to sit around at home the last 2 days (I should say, this is as much an issue of handling physical discomfort as emotional). My brain is screaming at me to do something though.
>that sounds like a survival response stemming from learned behaviour
It probably is, I was thinking this earlier, although I'm struggling to pin down which memories/experiences are the main triggers (especially for aggression, which is frustrating as someone who wants to be able to explain themselves, I can sort of understand why I go non-verbal sometimes at least).
I'm not really used to forgiveness from people, honestly, I was saying somewhere else, but I had an unprompted extremely vivid dream about outing myself a while back and it just mostly involved the shit getting beaten out of me, which I think probably indicates where my head is at (and like I know on an objective level, my queerness/transness isn't even something that should need to be forgiven and isn't a fault but it sure doesnt feel that way).
I'm slowly trying to exposure therapy the problem away but of course, in this case, the behaviour mostly triggers at work, and I can't discuss sensitive topics there.
It'd be nice to be able to run purely off my emotive brain around someone (rather than rely on objective override), but yea, don't feel safe doing that.
>>40036638
>I thought maybe she’d be able to offer some useful advice
Just as an observer, it sort of sounds like she hasn't adopted healthy behaviour in regards to that so not sure you'd get useful advice if she did offer any

>>40039092
I guess you don't, or I've not figured it out, the only thing I've found that helps is de-isolating but of course the trans experience is inherently isolating when you're surrounded by cis people.
I just sort of get a hollow yearning when I see other people fulfilling something I can't.
I can't fake a smile, but I try to be glad at least someone is living in a way I wish I could, as much sombre acceptance as anything.
I suppose I try and target the isolation (at least in relation to transition) by talking here and a few other places, it makes it a bit more bearable.
>>40032708
>The military tends to attract repressing trans women
Sorry, saw this but yeah damn I know that feel, someone should really study the phenomenon I think.

>>40038038
:)

>>40040107
I've known a *lot* of military trannies over my time in the service and usually it comes down to 2 trends:
1) Needed to stabilize life in order to begin transition - in the US in particular the military can be a very strong stepping stone in the middle class if you play it right and get a job that transfers well back to civilian side. Add the Biden admin opening up in-service transitions. This was me.
2) People who wanted to try to embrace their masculinity by jumping into one of the most stereotypically masculine jobs. Usually they break the first time they have to shave their head in basic. Alternatively for ftm, people who were subconciously chasing masculinity.
Like, it's pretty cut and dry. Stats have shown that transgender folks are statistically significantly more likely to be veterans than the general populace - which is part of why the disccharge of trans servicemembers in the US is a huge attack on our community. While it's not a lot of servicemembers relative to the military, it IS a lot trans people relative to the trans population that are suddenly losing their healthcare and job stability - especially those of us who didn't luck out on good jobs that transfer out easy or were very early into our service.
>>40033431
Yeaaa, I had a very long conversation (8 hours) with a good friend about this mess today, as well as just generally venting towards people I know for the better part of a year at this point. There's a deep deep rabbit hole to go down there but to sum it up pretty quickly without giving my current life story as a thesis: I am in an emotionally abusive relationship where my abuser uses learned helplessness to turn my empathy against me. Essentially, his life will implode without me and without at least some support, I feel my own life will implode due to not having the energy to properly care for both kids on my own... plus if he did off himself I don't think I could handle the emotional recoil or deal with the kids blaming me

>>40041465
One of the big kickers in this situation is that for the past 5 years, he has gone asexual on me. Like, sex repulsed and touch repulsed. I've been laid twice in 5 years (I cried after the first time because he very much made me feel like a man), and I can probably count the number of meaningful hugs and kisses on both hands each. Add to that my own sapphic awakening (more feminine dudes are still okay, but 90% of my attraction seems to be towards femininity now) and it's kinda obvious that we're incompatible in that way now. I know relationships aren't about sex, but goddamnit I'm allo and have a very strong libido and not even being able to get a goddamn hug or cuddle without pulling teeth makes me feel ugly and unwanted, yaknow? Like, the way I've described it fairly often is that I'm pretty much raising 2 kids with my roommate, except my roommate also is kinda an overgrown child himself.
The upside is that there is some semblance of a plan to part ways with him. But it's hazy and I'm not sure if I'll survive it and there's a lot of things that have to come into place at the right time or else it can't happen. I need to be able to quickly find support for caring for my kids so that their life isn't disrupted much while also being able to insure he is in a place where he can't fucking kill himself once I break the news to him that we're done. I've thought a lot about if we could fit it but it's gotten to the point where even if all of the abusive shit stopped, I don't know if I could find love for him again. My future with him is lonely.
So, yea, that's the current big challenge in my life - and that's on top of also losing my job in a few months and needing to move states, whoo!

>>40038038
Be safe anone
We will wait

>>40039092
Just think of it as being part of something good for a just moment, knowing there's hope for you too.

>>40038038
Take your time and take care sig anon. I hope things are progressing as smoothly as possible, even if it’s hard.

>>40040002
Ouch, any idea what’s been causing it? No matter what it’s probably a good idea you forced yourself to sit down. It’s annoyingly easy to go too hard on joints and muscles when you’re used to ignoring pain signals, or when your drive overrides them. (Used to do it a lot when I used physical exercise as self-harm)
>not used to forgiveness
>dont feel safe doing that
That makes sense, even if Im sorry to hear it, navy anon.
The worst part is that guarded behaviour like that in adulthood can signal a past lower position in the status quo, which some people then use as grounds for further alienation. Feigning a “normal” level of emotional openness and trust towards acquaintances is a requirement for them to treat you like a part of the flock to some extent, I think, which I’m aware is kind of an unpleasant thought that may negate what I said about the average person being moderately forgiving if warned. I guess everything comes with an asterisk, sadly.
>behaviour mostly triggers at work
Hmm. Are there any specific work contexts where it seems worse?
>sounds like she hasn't adopted healthy behaviour in regards to that so not sure you'd get useful advice
Thats actually a really good point... Thanks. I hadn’t really thought of that before.

>>40041465
Glad to hear you have somebody to confide in Seraph anon, but man... What a horrible situation.
>the kids blaming me
I’m not sure how old your children are, and Im not sure if it’s of any comfort or use that I write this, so apologies in advance if it isnt:
Anecdotally speaking many of my childhood friends had parents who split over similar things. everything from spousal violence, alcoholics, to plain old bad people.
Most of the friends I had ended up taking the side of the parent who left over the other parent. (Thinking about it… It might actually have been all of them)
Even in one instance where the other parent wound up dying from cancer alone, the classmate I had seemed to be aware of how shitty that parent had been to the parent who left.
So having seen that I cant help but think that depending on your childrens age there might be a chance that they’ll understand your decision even if he does. But I can understand not wanting it to happen and fearing it, nevertheless. It sounds awful…

>>40036485
Im sorry you’re still feeling like this, anon. I dont have anything to offer in terms of judging whether professional help would help you or not.

bump

Jesus fucking Christ, I'm so mad I can't stop shivering now.

God, I wish I wasn't such a FUCKUP.

Anyone hve advice on buying womens clothes and learning fashion oin general?
I like summer dresses with shoulderpads, long skirts, sweaters, puffy shirts and floaral designs.
I like cropped jackets and jeans, shorts too if push comes to shove
I am trying to reinvent my wardrobe away from the masculine manmoder shit I got
Also any advice on practical haircuts for trannies are welcome
Also also I think im doing ok mental wise

>>40043127
>any idea what’s been causing it
Bashed my knee into a bit of machinery at work probably 2 months back and just never really had a chance to let it recover. Ended up running a couple of miles today at a middling pace (bout 7:36mm) just to test it out, and it seemed okay. I'm really, really tired now, though.
>Feigning a “normal” level of emotional openness
I guess I feign confidence okayish in my day-to-day, I just sort of play the role of a person I no longer am in work, etc, and it seems believable enough that people go along with it.
There are times, though, where I think I visibly freak out or shut down a bit, mostly when the men are doing their "sexual harassment as male dominance" thing, even though i'm not the subject of that harassment (well so far, i'm not sure how i'd respond then)
>specific work contexts
Just any time it gets busy, and I feel like I'm failing to stay on top of it all or not meeting expectations, I know I get distressed, sometimes angry (I guess a mix of both) when my performance in my job is questioned because I don't feel like I am bad at my job and then it's like being a kid again and dealing with another person with authority that just wont believe you no matter what you do/say so maybe I'm just pushing myself to try and avoid that situation.
Sometimes when I'm out in public and just feel like there's too much going on it'll trigger but I normally just hide in my headphones to avoid that.

Hope my friend is ok she hasnt spoken to me in a week
She wasnt doing too well but I thought she had plans after her exams were over.
Maybe I was too cold to her
I hope not
I cant do anything but wait for her to be ok.

sunmp

bump

>>40051081
That pic is how I feel when I have too much during the day.

Can't stop, won't stop.

>>40049265
just let her know you are there for her