After test-riding & renting numerous bikes, and wasting 11k pre-ordering a bike that brought nothing but disappointment, I came to conclusion:
This is what peak performance looks like.
Light is right. Cheap is right. A bike that you can throw into a ditch without fear (and pull it back out of it on your own) brings joy.
The lack of power just means I can't be on a highway — a place where I don't want to be in the first place.
Time to downgrade.