I'm working through a second draft of my novel, and I'm hit with the question 'is it enough?' Have I over compensated? I wanted to direct the writing away from a fan fiction feel towards something more literary, but is it now Dollar Store Raymond Chandler? I wanted to avoid describing characters by looking in mirrors and highlight how our two leads are a pair of 6s who see the other as a 10, but is it too much for a starting page?

I know the right is 'better' than the left, but that doesn't mean 'good.'