I'm 25 years old am i've destroyed myself over the course of the last 10 years and now i find myself backed into a corner. When i was a kid (~12yo) i started developing issues with my self esteem due to the fact that i was very short. People would comment on my height jokingly and i would take it as a joke and laugh back but over time it slowly turned into a real issue and because this happened early on it significantly impacted my social skills. In highschool i couldn't socialize properly because i felt weird and awkward when everyone was a foot taller and looked a lot more developed than me. As a result i could not develop socially and became a recluse, giving up on my life and staying home since i turned 15. Around this time it started spiraling into suicidal ideations, i thought i would kill myself in my 20s so i could just do what i wanted with no repercussions. I was comfortable wasting away playing vidya and jerking off.

I turn 26 in october and i have been living like a subhuman piece of shit for a decade. I have 0 experiences with anything in life, i can't talk to people, i made no friends. I'm extremely poor, i eat at most 1 meal a day, and every month there's a stretch of a few days where it's really difficult to afford food. I know all of this is my fault, i just can't bring myself to seek help and try to change my life because i feel hopeless. I've never been able to look forward to anything in life, and i always just accepeted whatever happened.

I feel like i have no choice but to kill myself now. Starting anything at this point feels impossible, life feels too complex for my retard brain. I bought a rope a few months back and i tried kneeling down to see if i could pass out, but i always pussy out. Only person i have in my life is my mother and we don't get along, i don't care about her and she doesn't care about me, so staying alive for others is out of the question.

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