>>40354402
I'll find a gender specialist therapist, I intentionally picked one that wasn't because I was terrified of having my feelings validated by a professional.
Early on I really wanted to be a girl, learned lucid dreaming to try and be one when I slept. Tried to learn how to grow boobs when puberty started. My first thought getting to second base as a teen wasn't "holy shit boobs" it was "oh, that's how those feel, good data for the dreams." I forced all that shit down in high school, transmuted it into a TF fetish, assigned the dysphoria to being an overweight sack of shit, and was "this close" to making it as a cishet white dude.
Along the way, I guess, there was stuff. Getting called a woman by your guy friends when you get drunk and histrionic probably shouldn't feel like a compliment, apparently most guys really don't like getting ma'amed by mistake, but it never bothered me. I buried it, said it never would work, layered under pictures of turborapehons and botches galore. I think I'd be happier, but I'm somewhat stable and successful now. But if I looked in the mirror and saw the grinning turbohon I know I'd become, well, I've never struggled with suicidal ideation before, but I have a feeling that'd do it. I never identified with a man's role in the world. All my guy friends give me advice on how to be, but not a word of it sounds very appealing.