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7/3/2025, 2:55:25 AM
>>57965566
“Black and White, Acts 2 and 3”, by Vaporeanon
>https://rentry.org/CG-BWA2
>https://rentry.org/CG-BWA3
IIRC, another anon said your characters aren’t developing enough. While I agree things are moving slow, Althi and Ari made notable progress here, and Pirth’s conflict with Althi was good for his character. As for d’Alin, I still don’t really have a grasp on his personality and character arc, and I’m not sure this chapter developed him all that much.
All things considered, this three-act chapter was done well. The characters’ conflicts and emotions are engaging and interesting, and you depict their feelings nicely. Althi is clearly in the wrong (and crossed the line here), but she has realistic reasons for being this way. I’m particularly invested in Ari’s struggle. Her depression and desperation were portrayed brilliantly (especially in her first scene in Part 3). The parts you added for the final draft have some grammar issues, but they definitely improved the story overall. I enjoyed the extended ending with Ari and Booker. It’s so cute how she now considers Booker a friend and allows him to use her nickname.
>>57962841
“Crunchatize Me”, by Crunch-anon
>https://rentry.org/skivfa25
Helva/Crunch have clear goals and contrasting personalities, and I like your worldbuilding about teams and dungeons. Your use of commas has improved since the rough draft, but still needs some work. And there are still some spots where you slip into second-person POV, plus a lot of places where you put punctuation outside the quotes.
...
And now for some stuff I read for the first time:
“The Great Bulk: Sweet Relief”, by Makuhita-anon
>https://rentry.org/GreatBulkRelief
I don’t have much to talk about here, but it’s a decent little story with some chill vibes. Good to see Makky and Asana having a talk about his decision to spare Lombre, and it’s nice to see your team hanging out with guildmembers now.
2/3
“Black and White, Acts 2 and 3”, by Vaporeanon
>https://rentry.org/CG-BWA2
>https://rentry.org/CG-BWA3
IIRC, another anon said your characters aren’t developing enough. While I agree things are moving slow, Althi and Ari made notable progress here, and Pirth’s conflict with Althi was good for his character. As for d’Alin, I still don’t really have a grasp on his personality and character arc, and I’m not sure this chapter developed him all that much.
All things considered, this three-act chapter was done well. The characters’ conflicts and emotions are engaging and interesting, and you depict their feelings nicely. Althi is clearly in the wrong (and crossed the line here), but she has realistic reasons for being this way. I’m particularly invested in Ari’s struggle. Her depression and desperation were portrayed brilliantly (especially in her first scene in Part 3). The parts you added for the final draft have some grammar issues, but they definitely improved the story overall. I enjoyed the extended ending with Ari and Booker. It’s so cute how she now considers Booker a friend and allows him to use her nickname.
>>57962841
“Crunchatize Me”, by Crunch-anon
>https://rentry.org/skivfa25
Helva/Crunch have clear goals and contrasting personalities, and I like your worldbuilding about teams and dungeons. Your use of commas has improved since the rough draft, but still needs some work. And there are still some spots where you slip into second-person POV, plus a lot of places where you put punctuation outside the quotes.
...
And now for some stuff I read for the first time:
“The Great Bulk: Sweet Relief”, by Makuhita-anon
>https://rentry.org/GreatBulkRelief
I don’t have much to talk about here, but it’s a decent little story with some chill vibes. Good to see Makky and Asana having a talk about his decision to spare Lombre, and it’s nice to see your team hanging out with guildmembers now.
2/3
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