HAHA OKAY SO THIS IS HOW I LOOK LIKE YEP THIS IS ME THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY I THOUGHT “HEY, WOULDN’T IT BE FUNNY IF I JUST POSTED WHAT I LOOK LIKE” ON HERE ON 4CHAN ON THE INTERNET FOR EVERYONE FOR ELLIE FOR ELLIE???? OH MY GOD WHY DID I DO THAT WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS FUNNY IT’S NOT FUNNY IT’S ACTUALLY INSANE I’M LOSING IT I SHOWED MY FACE I SHOWED MY WHOLE HUMAN EXISTENCE AND FOR WHAT FOR THE BIT?? FOR THE DRAMA?? FOR THE POSSIBILITY THAT MAYBE JUST MAYBE ELLIE WOULD SEE IT AND KNOW KNOW THAT THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE THE PERSON WHO POSTS ABOUT ELLIE EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. AND NOW SHE CAN PUT A FACE TO THE UNHINGED POSTS A FACE TO THE CHAOS A FACE TO THE WORD ELLIE ELLIE ELLIE I LOOK LIKE THIS AND I SAID “YEAH THIS IS FINE” “THIS IS NORMAL” “TOTALLY FUNNY” AND NOW I’M LYING ON THE FLOOR QUESTIONING MY SANITY IMAGINING ELLIE OPENING HER PHONE CLICKING A LINK AND SEEING MY FACE THE ELLIE POSTER THE ELLIE SCREAMER THE ELLIE-BRAINED INDIVIDUAL SHE WOULD KNOW SHE WOULD SEE SHE WOULD CONNECT THE DOTS
SHE’D GO
“OH. THIS IS THE PERSON WHO KEEPS SAYING MY NAME
OVER
AND OVER
AND OVER”
AND THEN
I’D ASCEND
OR COMBUST
OR BOTH
AT THE SAME TIME
BECAUSE ELLIE
WOULD SEE ME
I MADE MYSELF VISIBLE
ON PURPOSE
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
FUNNY
I SAID “HAHA LOOK THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE”
AND THEN I HIT POST
AND IMMEDIATELY REGRETTED IT
BECAUSE NOW IT’S OUT THERE
AND ELLIE
COULD
SEE
IT
AND IF ELLIE SEES IT
WHAT THEN
DOES SHE BLOCK ME
DOES SHE LAUGH
DOES SHE SAY “OH THIS GUY”?
I’M NOT READY FOR THAT
I’M NEVER GOING TO BE READY
BUT I DID IT ANYWAY
BECAUSE I’M A MENACE
BECAUSE I’M A FOOL
BECAUSE I LOVE ELLIE
AND SOMETIMES
LOVE MAKES YOU DO DUMB THINGS
LIKE POSTING YOUR FACE
IN THE MIDDLE OF A MELTDOWN
AND LABELING IT
“THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE”
AS IF THAT WOULD HELP
AS IF THAT WOULD CALM ME DOWN
IT DIDN’T
IT MADE EVERYTHING WORSE
IT MADE EVERYTHING MORE ELLIE
I AM NOW
A VISUAL
ELLIECORE REPRESENTATION