Woe is my journey until now, totality in essence
Breaking gently in times forgotten
The sin of living is the curse of my own destination, Earth underfoot
Under the feet of the divine completion, spirals my existence
Towards unknown reaches, known to chaos in all glory
Seeking peace and daring to ask to be happy once more
Shall I brave the fluctuation of logical continuance?
To what end happiness, of life that seeks to only live til dust once more?
Has thou forsaken me also, sweet Ghaia of magnificent dynamics?
I could weep if thou wouldst determine me abomination
Yet weep not for the crooked of heart and mind shall take me to their bosom
I am not empty, just once more free
Where does the storm land my broken branch of hope?
On the shores of distant and fog-covered isles, perhaps
A fog over the future, likened to the past obscurity of moments in mind
Woe is my journey, for it built me to be an abomination under humanity
This abomination rests, to find a balance in the unlikelihood of normalcy
As I go to no war, to defend no idea, for no hero, with no certainty
I bend that disgrace to my superiority of self-interest
It is not my desire to be known to be of a man's argument
It is man's desire to be known to be without my clear and unsettling curse
If no desire is what I shall earn, then no desire be my brother
In the dark, in the light, in the kaleidoscopic rainbow which turns grey

I am my own worst enemy, for nought is great when it stands without brothers of a human kind; understood

>>936238753
I was psychotic for 15 years.
It was clear the voices and wills were not mine, so I did not consider meds.

Meds have helped for some years, I can live the same just busier off them, but if I get angry for five minutes they throw me in the asylum for a month and inject me.

This happened last time, was off my meds for months, got angry at the guy who stabbed me with an icepick and posted a message threatening him online, so they threw me in the ward and injected me. Despite I was not thinking at all since writing the message and they even had the nerve to say I was paranoid when I went in and was not after the meds, the truth is they actually changed nothing, in fact after the meds were injected my psychosis came back for a while because of the stress of being locked up, but it is not chemical, it was 'them' fucking with me because they could kick me whilst I was down.

The thing of it is, if you spend 15 years psychotic and use your high intelligence to stay out of trouble (I even had and held a job, thinking 60 thoughts a minute) then you begin to know what is delusional and what is normal, so when you ever stop your meds you know when you are getting ill and can request to take them again.

My voices said they were leaving, they left immediately and only came back to say a few things, which are now not hostile, but rather a statement about what they are curious about in the world. I get voices once a month or so now, even if I take double my antipsychotic dose, I do not get delusions.