*Dumbledore clears his throat*
>My dear Students, dear fellow teachers and dear Hogwarts staff!
>Standing here today at the dawn of a new schoolyear, I'd be remiss if I didn't inform you of some new and rather important developments, before we become too befuddled by our excellent feast.
>First of all, Gryffindor will start this year with minus seven hundred quintillion house points.
*Bewildered students look at each other*
>As I'm sure you want to know my reasoning behind this, let me move on to the second point, which, incidentally, will provide an answer for you. To keep it short and simple I... how shall I put this...
*Dumbledore points his wand to his neck to amplify his voice*
>I AM GOD!!!!!!!! I AM THE MASTER OVER LIFE AND DEATH AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED! HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU! WEASLEY, RON! STAND! AVADA KEDAVRA! MINERVA! STAND! AVADA KEDAVRA! GRANGER! AVADA KEDAVRA! TABLES TWO AND FOUR! AVADA KEDAVRA! ARE YOU CATCHING ON TO WHAT I'M TRYING TO CONVEY HERE? CATCHING MY DRIFT, YEAH? GOOD. MOVING ON! THE DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASS WILL HAVE A NEW TEACHER, HIS NAME IS TOM RIDDLE, YOU PROBABLY KNOW HIM BY HIS MONIKER LORD VOLDEMORT. I HAVE SENT MR. HAGRID TO GET ME AS MUCH AS TEN BASILISKS WHO WILL ROAM THE SCHOOL FREELY! QUIDDITCH RULES HAVE CHANGED THUSLY: THE QUAFFLE IS NOW MADE OF A HIGHLY VOLATILE EXPLOSIVE THAT WILL DETONATE AT THE SLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTEST TOUCH, THE BLUDGERS ARE NOW MADE OF TUNGSTEN AND ARE KEPT AT A TEMPERATURE OF PRECISELY 6,152°F (3400°C) AND THE GOLDEN SNITCH IS NOW MADE OUT OF FROZEN VX. SWALLOW THAT, POTTER!
*Dumbledore removes the wand from to his neck*
>Other than the aforementioned revisions in curricular procedure, things are bound to go their usual way, at their usual pace. And never forget: Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

HOWEVER