>>508425038
Go to a Catholic Church, ask for a confession, tell a Father all of this.
I am 100% dead fucking serious.
Bear your fucking soul to God and just be honest for the first time in your life.
He will provide you with spiritual guidance and talk to you, that's exactly what he is there for.
You can find times for confession at your local Catholic church and schedule a time, you can tell them you are not Catholic and have been told to have a confession anyways for guidance.

>>508152041