hi thread. dumb wall of bullshit incoming. you don't know me you can ignore this post. i've been doing some introspection and needed to process some thoughts into words.
i'm a good person. i think. but i get scared and lash out i am afraid of being known i am afraid of closeness and how it can hurt me. afraid people will see me how i see myself and hate me as much as i do. its a self fulfilling prophecy i cant escape from. i never let anyone get to know me well enough to recognize when i'm not myself. some1 who doesn't hold it against me and only wants me to get better again. not cut me out or worse antagonize me. engage with me in bad faith and try to build me up to be someone who's best represented when at her lowest. have known me long enough to judge me on how far i've come not where i am.
perhaps it is true what they say about loving yourself first. i try to be kind but i carry a lot of self hatred in my soul, it manifests in my actions in ways i'm still not aware of. it corrupts how people view me. i don't think i'm like that. i think i'm very empathetic and tolerant of people's neurosis. it endears a person to me and i only ever want to be a positive impact to their life. but i've learned that isn't something that actually is reasonable to expect from others, that's an unusual trait of mine and not how everyone else thinks like i assumed.
it's a real catch-22. a fly in the ointment as it were. i don't think i'm capable of friendship until i have become a happier, better person but i also don't think i'm going to become that all alone.
thanks for reading my blog. sorry. typing out all this didn't ultimately make it clear what i should do next. but i am realizing i tried to put myself out there too early still.
i am half baked and still too soft.
too easy to squish.
now that i've said all that i will leave for a while and put my words to action.
attempt to get better on my own.
maybe try again to find community in a couple years after some growing.