>>33281990
true. might have stemmed from some defense mechanism in reaction to disappointment or failure. at least i know exactly what to expect when i'm intentionally causing it.

again, i know how cringe this sounds, but it feels poetic in a sense. whenever i feel happy or when things are on a good trajectory, i know in the back of my mind that it's only temporary, and that i'll eventually ruin it, because anything else would feel wrong or inauthentic. my future self is my worst enemy