>"ringmaster"

How do you deal with the thoughts about your quality of life being destroyed? Sometimes I think about it and feel shame for thinking it. I live life for my disabled grandmother and she has major bipolar depressive problems that are only made worse with medication. Every tiny inconvenience is the worst thing to happen that week and everyday is a grind of just listening to this person drone on and cry about everything.

Sometimes I think "why cant you just accept how you are and stop complaining about everything?" I just feel resentment and anger when the next tantrum comes flowing out. I've read about caregiver burnout and all the advice is stuff that isnt feasible for us. We are poverty line and cant afford a home visit nurse or a nursing home, she wouldnt go to a nursing home anyway because she is genuinely paranoid about the medical staff trying to kill her because shes "too much of a burden."

One thing that keeps me going is the idea that this is temporary and there will be a day when I'm free of this. No more screaming. I could sit on my own outside and feel the wind without having to worry about listening for someone screaming my name. That would be nice.