tragic decision
I'm not going to hook up with that guy
did some thinking about it and it's basically the same as drug use and self harm and eating disorder and such
talked about it with my mum and she had the same experiences when I was younger in terms of seeking love and feeling wanted and valued by sleeping with random guys and how it never works and always feels bad
which is true to past experiences of mine too
still it's depressing I won't be getting choked and fucked violently by a big strong guy but even if I was, it wouldn't make my dad love me or change any of the stuff he's done or fix anything
it'd just be escaping it while risking physical and emotional injury
feels bad not doing it tho even though it makes sense to abstain
makes me feel less than human that I'm so broken that even simple sex is potentially triggering and that I can't engage with it like other people