I get so worked up, so upset, I say things before the thought finishes and I realize that it's very bad to say, then he loses his temper because I crossed a line, and i immediately sob and shut down, making him the bad guy because I'm a poor little bitch crying and he's the big man. But I'M the bad guy. I started it. Its my fault. Now he feels horrible for making me cry and I can't claim responsibility without causing another fight. He'd insist I'm stealing his accountability and that a man is responsible for his own temper abd what he does with it.
Today I was just so upset about cleaning, I was in full mania. I heard him from downstairs say "I fucking HATE when she's like this" and it upset me even more, I went upstairs and said "I get it you hate me-" but I'd already said the trigger phrase. I didn't get to say "when I'm like this" so he flung into rage screaming at how he's done everything for me and I have no right, encouraging me to finish my thoughts. I couldn't help it i just curled up and sobbed. Then he felt guilty and apologized for being horrible. As if HE started it. He didn't. This is all my fault, i dealt what I couldn't take and crumbled under a dose of my own medicine.
HOW DO I STOP?! Its about more than impulse control to not say thinfs out of anger or sadness, I need to stop crying when I feel fear too. It just overwhelms me, I'm petrified he'll kill me even though he's never once struck me and never ever would. It makes him feel like a monster. Its a bait and switch. How can I stop?