I am still a 24 year old virgin schizoid doomer. I am no longer a wagie.

I may have never felt worse than today. Theres this younger guy at the gym I befriended and so we hung out sometimes, I especially latching on to opportunities because I had nothing back home for years and years and Thailand offers new beginnings. Since we were both sick and not training Muay Thai for a week or so, we basically met up today and spent the whole time smoking weed. I basically got lifemogged so hard it's unreal. He basically didn't give a fuck about his first time and just got it out of the way with some random thai girl hes been dating casually, and whiles he been here a shorter time than me, he's much more bold and adventurous and it comes easy to him, exploring the local avenues and befriending people as well as women. Meanwhile, I'm so crippling defective from years of being a shutin, even though I have the literal capability to do more, I struggle to actually act on it. For him what's comes effortlessly and without the jaded cynicism of years gone by with things slowly degrading, is an insurmountable task or a small hero's journey all on its own for me. I've never really made friends back in the States, so it's almost an alien concept here, as much as I try to be friendly. He even asked if he's the only friend I made since here. That hippy girl I met weeks ago must've caught the same loser vibes from me which is why she invited me out from a place of pity. And I even feel like I facials MOG him, he just has so much more XP in these arenas it's unreal. Hotter ex's than girls I ever could hope to attain probably. I feel like there's some genetic or epigenetic marker he has that I don't that allows him to succeed as such

I'm going to try and enjoy my lengthy trip as much as possible, but I fear after years and years of being heavily conditioned to just room rot, it may be too late and the eventual conlusion to my story always ends the same, by my own hand.