Dear J,
I miss you everyday. I keep going back to the time when we went to the amusement parks, when we took cute photos together, when we smiled after wanting to vomit. I think of how simple the love was, how we loved each other, and could fall asleep knowing that the other person is there. I feel really stupid for doing the things i've done, and if i could turn back time, I would. My own insecurity ruined what we had.
At the same time i don't really know how i could have navigated it differently without going through this first. I knew nothing of how to voice my concerns, how I felt that every serious thing was relying on me to fix, to handle. I felt overwhelmed. Maybe that was worth the love we had.
I wish things have been different. I wish i could still tell you that I love you, I wish I could be excited to see you again. Part of me hopes that you will one day forgive me, but the things i've said were so hurtful that i don't think i deserve it. I remember the time you cried on a call with me so vividly, how cold i was to you. I hope that you will find your happiness. I hope that in every other universe i didn't throw away everything for nothing. I hope that the dreams of holding you are visions from other universes.