How do I want MORE? I struggle with desire. I lack ambition though I'd say I want to do and be better and have standards I want to reach. But when people ask me what I want, I don't know, despite being a very opiniated person. I just say what people expect, a family, kids, etc. I wonder how it's so straight forward and decided for so many other people. I thought it was drugs holding me back, but I've been sober for years. I thought it was my looks or self-confidence, then I fixed those to my liking. I've hit a rock bottom and lost everything and had to restart, too, and yet that didn't put a fire in me.

The only thing that I can say motivates me is to not disappoint my family, and a little is competing with peers (somewhat). I guess having sex with hot girls too. I try to use stress but it's not sustainable. Otherwise, I feel like I just exist and don't get how other people cope with it so well.