>>82066743
>did something happen or is it just how you feel?
I don't know why its the way it is right now. Maybe im just remembering what my situation is and its driving me down this way? Dunno.
Maybe some media about death made me envious? Dunno.
I'll continue cleaning up tomorrow and maybe order some filters and sensor parts to make sure im not killing myself by inhaling fumes from one of my hobbies. Respiratory complications don't seem that much better than starving to death after all.
Maybe having something to do will stop this. But at the same time i feel like im paralyzed to do anything so i don't know if i will even do that.
>i understand why it would give you comfort
Its not about giving me comfort but about avoiding the displeasure of eating. Even if things are bad however i start eating at latest when i feel like my legs are folding and im feeling tremors.
>though please try your best not to do it okay?
This seems like an insanely bad way to go. Even if were extremely desperate i don't think that this would be it. What i meant was more like knowing that my bodies subconscious defense against times that are too much is just to stop working. But its not doing that so i am here standing on my own legs because i chose to. Its a sign of strength. Thanks for the concern however. I hope you are doing well also.
TL;DR Im not actively killing myself nor am i attempting to.

>that kinda seems unhealthy. and a bit dangerous.
Its not that dangerous. At most like drinking a coffee and going for a jog. I forgot to measure my heart rate and pressure but i didn't feel any different than without coffee when it comes to that. As on the psychological side its like a small boost to concentration and a moderate one to the rebound once the drugs stop working. I think its worth however.
>dont beat yourself up if you do nothing for a day or two.
I was doing nothing and felt this way more often than not for my entire life. I think im dealing with it as best as possible.