>>40642298
>I need to find out how to not think like this
Pray and constantly look at images of Jesus. It sounds like you're not inviting any light into your life, free will is a double edged sword. You have to pray, tell Jesus what's going on, and ask for help or signs to show you the way.
Remember God can do anything he wants to do, including purifying you to be your real self. Think about that