One thing I'm struggling with greatly is premises introduced to be by some Seth texts and I Am The Word. They present the idea this incarnation of you was willingly chosen to exist by a greater you, that this lifetime is essentially a play that you're just focusing super super hard and pushing away all other senses. It could be on of tons of other lifetimes, or maybe just one, maybe your first or maybe your fiftieth. For whatever reason you are here for to experience something.

But what gets me is that all I seem to want and think about is death. The wonders of non physicality excite me and fill me with a huge longing. Even fantasies of becoming billionaire in this world don't compare. I don't desire anything of this world anymore. So then what was the reason I was here then? To learn that I wanted to die again? Or am I a failure who's missed the entire real reason? I do the gateway tapes and try the 5 questions one so often and fail to here anything meaningful. Sometimes I wonder if this was my first every incarnation ever and there's no other info to go back on or is that just all cope. I just wish I knew why I was here and why death seems so damn beautiful to me but so painful to achieve.